Sakura must admit that she waited for the days to pass to meet him again. She counted the days, including the hours, until he will land back in her office. She knew what she wanted to do, and she knew the exact steps and how long each one of them will take. All she needed was the man who had the most precious sharingan. Sakura waited and waited, sometimes fearing that he might not come back but she always tried to be confident. She soon realized that she had forgotten that feeling and she had no idea how to summon it, so she just waited and struggled every day. Sometimes, while she was resting in her bed, thinking about her research, she would go crazy, speaking on her own, contradicting her fears and sometimes pinching herself to shut up. "He might have died…" she whispered worried she had no chance to test his sharingan. As if possessed, she would get back her spirit and pinch her cheeks. "No, you are wrong!" she shouted back. From time to time she would imagine him back, on her chair, waiting for her to start her tests. "He will come back." She liked to believe that his return would be for her although she was fully aware that was impossible.
"I do not like him," she told herself out of the blue, fearing and suspecting herself. "There is really nothing to like about a man as cold as him," she insisted. The fear was there. The agony persisted. The pain never left her chest. He resembles Sasuke quite a lot and she fears she will mess up her life again. She cannot go through that again. She would rather die than fall in love again. Being stupid is tough, she concluded as she saw her reflection in her coffee. She hates herself. Seeing her reflection makes her sick. No woman should be a fool like she was. Now it is too late to know that even people in love should have pride. "I am not stupid anymore." Sakura watched her reflection as she talked on her own. Each day she is crazier and crazier. Eventually, her mind will no longer be hers. What will happen to her then?
Sensing his chakra in the building, Sakura jumped from her chair and looked around to make sure everything was in the right place. This time she will hide her bras away from his sight. Waiting and waiting she realized that he was not there for her but for his check up. He might not visit her that day. Fearing that might be true, she rushed outside her office looking for him. He has to at least say 'hi' to her. She was alone for so long that she longs to say at least 'hi'. She does not need more than that. She found him in room number 5 after very long minutes. Sakura wanted to enter but she petrified seeing he was with Tsunade and Ino. She longs to say 'hi' but not to them. They are the only people she dares not approach. They do not understand her. Shishi doesn't understand her either but he does not care to do it and she doesn't need it either. He can hate her and consider her crazy as long as she can say a few words to somebody. She is tired of having to answer her own questions.
They are speaking and smiling. He is smiling. "Why are you laughing?" she whispered jealous she cannot be there, part of that conversation. Tsunade is fine. Ino is fine. Shisui is fine. She would be the only crazy one there. Then go inside without worries. The coward she was, Sakura walked back to her office, locking the door and leaning over it. She avoided them for so long that she nearly forgot them, their faces and voices. "They seemed well." Yes, they did. Sakura felt a sudden wave of jealousy. Everyone must be doing well while she is agonizing on her own. They tried, she is aware of that, but they should have tried harder! Sakura undressed her coat and threw it on the ground as if punishing it. "Why the fuck were they smiling?!" she questioned hitting the floor with her foot. Oh, they know I am fucking crazy so they don't bother anymore. "Is that it?" What else would it be? They have their lives in order. "Fuck!" she covered her face with her bands and dug her nails in her head. The physical pain is nothing compared to her emotional one. She sometimes wishes she were normal. She wishes she were stronger. How the fuck did she survive her first heartbreak? What was different then that she could not do it again? "They should have helped me…" she whispered with trembling lips. Naruto is such a strong shinobi…why could he not pull her out of her misery.
Blood slipped down her temples. The smell of iron is calming her down. "No, I don't care." She has her plans and she will succeed. Just watch her. She will become an amazing person again and Sasuke will regret rejecting her. Sakura took her coat from the floor and walked back to the desk. Her purpose now is not to make friends or salute people. She will make a name of her own and prove everyone she is doing great. It does not need to be true as long as it is fooling everyone else.
They say that seclusion makes people crazy. Speaking alone and running away from ghosts of her past, Sakura is without mistake on the road of craziness. For some reason she is aware of this but she does not mind going mad. Sakura giggled on her own imagining her future self after she succeeds. "Will I be happy then?" she asked herself. What is happiness? Right, what does happiness feel like? She was happy before, or at least she believes she was, so why the hell is she alone now? Happiness alone is not good enough for her. She wants more…she wants…Sakura smashed her fists on the table annoyed. "No!" She doesn't want that bastard anymore. She is not a masochist. Who the hell needs a retard like Sasuke? She will create her happiness. Just watch! She will make it happen and then he will knee before her, asking her to take him back but she will spew on his face and walk away. "I will do that, won't I?" she asked with trembling lips. She will be strong, right?
That day Shisui did not come to visit but the next day, early in the morning he knocked at her door. She was still sleeping, dressed in a plain long shirt. Nobody comes to visit me, she told herself putting her head back on the pillow. Who the fuck would want to approach her nowadays?
"It is me," his voice invaded her gloomy office. Sakura tilted her head to stare at the door. She is tired of waiting. Yesterday she waited and waited and he did not come. "I know you are there," he insisted.
"Go home," she whispered lacking the power to make herself heard. She didn't eat anything yesterday because she wanted to be in her office in case he decided to come.
"I am not coming back if I leave now," he threatened.
Sakura dragged her feet to the door, too tired to work and too lazy to speak with someone. She cracked the door open only to see if he was alone, before fully opening it and inviting him in. Aware that she was wearing only a plain long shirt, she went searching for something to wear, leaving him to find his way inside.
The office is so dark that he felt like a black hole was pulling him in. He touched the wall until he found a switcher and turned on the lights. Sakura was casually dressing a pair of black shorts. He turned his head away, closing the door behind him and walking to the desk. That woman has really no shame, he thought as he sat down. Sakura caught her hair in a low ponytail, trying to look at least a little bit nice before approaching him. Seeing his face revigorated her.
"You are late," she growled as she sat on the edge of the desk to face him. She has this feeling she cannot truly name. His presence there is very reassuring. "I was waiting yesterday."
"I was busy," he shrug his shoulders not impressed by her words. Actually, he wanted to come but he had the check up which took quite a while, after which he had to write a report and hand it in by the end of the day. He sensed her in the hospital and though he spotted her when he was speaking with Tsunade and Ino but she disappeared so fast that he missed her completely. Itachi was also very keen on meeting him and by the time he finished everything, it was too late to visit her.
Sakura bit her lower lip trying to restrain herself from getting violent. Hitting him would not help her case. She has to be nice and give him reasons to always come back. She has no right to be angry anyway. "I have many plans," she said as she cupped his cheeks. The temptation was so strong that she could not restrain herself anymore. She had to touch him and closely look at his eyes. "I've missed you."
Shisui remained emotionless as he was aware that she was speaking with his eyes and not with him. For her, he can be dead as long as she has those eyes. But these hands are warm, he though. Sakura caressed his cheeks with her thumbs, giving in to the warmth of his body. It has been a very long time since she touched someone. Before, when she was testing other Uchihas, she never touched them. She barely spoke to them. All she did was looking at the sharingan, drawing it and writing down information provided by those men. But they would come only once or twice before deciding she was way too nuts to continue. Sometimes, when madness was at its greatest, she would visit the morg, checking if any Uchiha died. Still, she never stole an eye.
Now she is touching the flesh of a living person. It feels much better than touching a corpse. Sakura bit her lower lip. She was hungry a few minutes ago but seeing those eyes she is back on her feet. It would be nice if this feeling never vanished. She likes having company. "Should we start?" she asked not waiting for his reply. "I will draw all the stages of your sharingan."
She grabbed a pen and paper and waited for Shisui to activate his miracle eyes. He never forgot how crazy she really was but he missed noticing her dedication towards work. Or maybe she is simply obsessed but her dedication for this mania is admirable. He noticed her well-kept nails. He saw the look on her face as she was drawing. She seems happy. Maybe she can still be saved. He has no idea from what she should be saved from but maybe she is responsible for her misery as well. Maybe she should be saved from herself.
Her drawing is very accurate, and she seems to know very well the anatomy of the eye. She drew all the details, including the optic nerve and the macula.
"Why are you drawing those details?" he asked curios of her response.
"This is how a healthy eye should look like. After I finish, I will check your eyes and see what damage you have." Her explanations are simple and she tries to provide him the needed information. He has no idea why she is so…he could use the word 'nice' but that is not the right word. Maybe she is telling him things to make him feel secure. 'Security' is not the word either. She has times when she simply doesn't reply. When that happens, he does not insist but pretends he does not need an answer. She often contradicts herself and her attitude sometimes proves him just how amiable she can be. Everything is natural.
She uses colors, he noticed. A strand of hair is solitarily forgotten in her shirt while the rest is caught in a messy ponytail. Her green eyes seem to have a lighter color today. She seems at peace as she works. Doing nothing all day long and having nobody to speak with would maybe anyone mad. His eyes fell on her chest: she doesn't wear a bra and her nipples are hard. Her breasts are small enough to fit in only one of his hands. He noticed the first time as well that she is very attractive despite her unkept figure. Her pink hair and green eyes are like the perfect personification of Spring. She is beautiful. Why is she so beautiful? Why is he attracted to her?
"Ok," she exclaimed as she finished her piece of art. Shisui was brought back to reality and averted his eyes away from her. "Let's check those eyes, shall we?" His eyes turned back to black and he sighed exhausted. He did nothing at all but her beauty kept him busy. "I will use some eyedrops to dilate your pupils," she informed him. She wants him to trust her so she informs him whenever she is about to do something which might alert him.
Waiting for the effect of the drops, they both remained in silence for what seemed like very long, pressing hours. None of them wants to speak more than needed with the other but both of them want to know each other better. She has questions only he can answer her but what is the point of knowing since she has no desires in helping others? It would be nice to know if Tsunade is in good health and if Ino is happy. She is curious if Naruto is still struggling to become Hokage. To her surprise, he gave her all the space she needed and he never bothered her. Sakura wants to know about Kakashi and about Sandaime as well but she cannot ask. She has to look strong in front of him. She mustn't give in.
Sakura leaned closer to him and started the check-up. Her smell of soap and dust is tickling his nostrils. Her fingers are moving on his temples, sending her chakra through his nerves and veins. Surprisingly, her chakra is very pleasant and somehow peaceful. Anyone would like her if she were a little bit more normal. It is clear she is kind and loving but her mind is completely messed up. He can hear her from time to time incoherently mumbling words and she seems to be answering her own doubts. She is speaking with her demons, he concluded. He doesn't want to be nice to her, he mustn't. She will find his weakness and make use of it and after that he will not be able to get rid of her. He must push her away when she finishes her work or she will keep on coming back to him.
Her nipples are occasionally poking his chest. He mustn't show on his face the effect she has on him. Today, he cannot react like normal men do. He must keep his distance.
What he doesn't know is that he also has an effect on her. She is trying her best to breathe normally and not give in to her weakness. From time to time she looks at him to see if he notices the effect he has on her. This is not love, she confidently confessed. "Yeah, it is not," she answered out loud. She won't feel embarrassed for speaking on her own. Shisui knows very well she is crazy so she can be herself. He doesn't seem bothered by it.
When she finished the check up she became aware that the whole time she was staring in his eyes, he was doing the same thing. Her hands remained on his shoulders. None of them dares to look away. This is dangerous, she thought aware of the attraction. She mustn't give in.
A lot of will was needed for Sakura to turn her back and write down everything she learned from the check-up. Shisui was grateful that she made the first move because he was completely caught in the moment.
"Tomorrow I want to see how your sharingan works in combat."
"You want to fight me?" he asked liking the idea. He is also curios to see how strong is Tsunade's pupil.
Sakura searched his face before answering. He really wants to have a match with her. "Don't be silly. I could kill you," she mocked. She hasn't fought in one year, so her technique is rusty. She cannot win against him.
Shisui rolled his eyes and got up from the chair. "Then I can go home."
"Tomorrow at 7 pm, at training ground number 6."
"So late?"
"I want to see how it works during the night as well."
She felt lonely after he left so for long hours she remained isolated in her office. This is why she hates having company. After they leave she will be again alone with her demons. She wanted to follow him and tell him they should try it that evening but then tomorrow she will be for sure alone so she preferred to see him tomorrow.
The next day she left the hospital in the morning, before Tsunade or Ino coming and risking to meet them in the hallways, and rushed to the training ground. When she goes outside she always has to make sure she doesn't meet her past friends because they will cling on her, ask her things and she will get violent with them and push them away.
Sakura rested in the shadow of a tree and waited for the hours to pass. Will he come earlier? "Why would he do that?" Sakura shook her head and occupied her time: she gathered medical plants. But gathering plants is not pleasant when it is very hot and you have no gloves so she released her body from all the clothes restraining her and jumped in the small lake. It did not use to be there but probably it was created during some training. Sakura floated in the water for a while, staring at the fluffy clouds. During this one year she forgot how to enjoy small things. Really, what kept her busy one whole year when she did almost nothing.
"Have I lost everything, including shame?" she asked herself realizing she was stark naked in open space. "Yeah, I did," she answered herself with no remorse. Who the fuck cares if she is naked or not? Nobody! Nobody cares about her nowadays. Everyone is living without even remembering her. Why the hell is she not sad at all thinking about that? Is there really nothing left in her?
Sakura patiently waited for Shisui to come. When she felt like it was high time he came, she dressed and waited under a tree. Shisui arrived 15 minutes earlier than planned and was surprised she was already there. The two looked at each other without saluting. There is no need for a conversation. Everything is related to work and they don't need to know each other better.
"Now what?" he asked eager to see her plan but without showing his emotions.
"I will show you things and you will have to copy me."
"Again, it sounded better before," he confessed dissatisfied.
"This is not training. I am testing your sharingan."
Both of them sat near the lake and Sakura handed him a piece of paper and a pen. "I will write things and please copy the way my pen moves without looking at what I write." She did not write anything in particular, she just moved the pen pretending to write something. Her eyes constantly stared at his and watched how the sharingan reacted. It was fascinating, amazing. The sharingan remained strong even when there was no light. The fascination increased with each test. Sakura made so many notes that she feared she will not have enough blank pages on her.
Everything was normal for Shisui. He didn't really understand her amazement. On occasions she seemed funny but he did not say anything. Shisui noticed then that behind her cold clay mask lies a kind and sometimes childish person. Things like this make him wonder what happened to her that she had to change so much. He saw Sakura before, shortly after she became genin, and he could not believe his eyes how much she changed since then. Back then she was always smiling and her willingness to help impressed him. He saw her only once but he could tell that she was without mistake a good person. Compared to now, it is like they are two different people.
Sakura leaned closer to check his heart rate. "Everything is normal," she concluded. Using his sharingan did not exhaust him too much. Sakura looked up only to meet a pair of black eyes staring closely at her. They sit very close to each other; if he leans over, he can touch her forehead with the tip of his nose. The two looked at each other with emotionless eyes and blank minds. She knew she was close but she didn't think it was intimate. Back to the times she was a doctor, she always sat this close to her patients to check them up. This feels different. Why is it different? she wondered.
In the end, Shisui could not restrain himself anymore. His fingers reached her hips and gently moved up to her middle. He confidently grabbed her waist to keep her still as he leaned closer. Sakura remained motionless. She was surprised by her lack of reaction. If she doesn't move he will kiss her. On second thoughts, it doesn't sound bad. Her heart screams 'yes' while her mind is telling her to be strong and resist. Sakura slowly tilted her head at the side, brushing the tip of her nose over his. There is someone for everybody, she concluded when he pressed his lips over hers. I was obsessed with an illusion. Why didn't she think like this one year ago? His tongue slipped between her lips searching for hers. Their tips touched for a second before she pulled her tongue away. She looked in his eyes, searching for an answer: why are they kissing. She relaxed her muscles under his gaze. Her palms rested on his shoulders, arching her back until her chest was pressed over his. As result to her reaction, his grip got tighter around her middle, pressing his hips against hers. Their tongues found each other again, shily touching.
Her first kiss tasted like regret for wasting her life and giving in to some ridiculous love. Now it is too late for her to change back to what she used to be. She cannot accept love anymore and she will never have the desire to be with another man.