If you want the full disclaimers, see Chapter One. I don't feel like doing them all again. Suffice it to say this is still intended as shoujo-ai, I'll still laugh at flames, I still want constructive reviews, and I still don't own the rights Star Ocean: TtEoT, though I do own the game and have completed it.
Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice
Chapter 2: War and Doubt
Clair watched the soldiers preparing for war and sighed. She knew Nel would be here soon, ready to lay her life on the line again, go on another potentially deadly mission. She hated it. She hated the price this war could so easily take. She hated that her friend was so ready to die for her country. She hated all these things with a passion, but more than anything else, she hated that Nel thought she had no reason to stop risking her life. She was so ready to die, convinced as she was that no one would care. She had gotten more reckless lately, and except for that one night of weakness, that one night of pain, Nel had withdrawn further into herself, taking herself farther away from Clair.
'Why can't she see how much people care for her? Why can't she see how much I care for her?'
She closed her brown eyes, turning away from the window. She could hear the soldiers talking to Nel and the others, could hear Dion's voice and Fayt answering him.
'Once again, I have to send the person I care for more than anyone to what very well could be her death. May Apris forgive me.'
She heard the commanders in the conference room with her stir as the door opened and looked up, smiling very faintly despite herself. Nel was beautiful, her eyes bright and proud, so different from the woman she had known that night.
'Maybe I'll get to see her as the person she keeps so well hidden someday. I'll wait as long as it takes for her to realize that I...'
She shook her head, starting the meeting rather than continue that painful line of thinking. Once everyone was briefed and leaving to prepare for the next day, she sighed again, rising to once again look out the window, speaking softly to herself.
"One day, you'll see..."
"What?"
She blinked, turning sharply to face the owner of the familiar voice.
"Nel, what are you still doing here? Shouldn't you be resting for tomorrow?"
The redhead smiled faintly, coming closer from where she had been leaning against the wall near the door.
"I was worried about you. I noticed you seemed very distant during the briefing. I wanted to be sure you were okay."
Clair smiled softly.
'Of course she notices. She's blind when it comes to how much I care for her, but she always knows when something is wrong with me.'
"I'm fine, Nel. I just... I don't like this."
Nel tilted her head, her intense green eyes focusing on her, piercing her soul as effectively as blades.
"No one likes war, Clair. Or rather, most don't. Something else is bothering you."
'That's Nel for you. Straight to the heart of the matter.'
"I don't want to see anyone else die. I..."
The gray haired woman turned away, afraid to face her friend. Her eyes were watering, she knew, and she didn't want Nel to see her like this. As much as she wanted the redhead to understand, she didn't want to be thought of as weak by the strongest person she had ever known.
"Clair?"
Nel came closer, close enough for her sharp senses to smell the gray hair and hear the slightly uneven breathing of her best friend.
"Look at me, Clair."
When she didn't, the redhead stepped around in front of her, close enough to feel the heat from her body and see the almost invisible tremors racking the lean form.
"What's wrong? What's bothering you so much?"
Clair slowly looked up, and Nel was struck by the tears in the pale brown eyes. She had rarely seen Clair cry, always finding the commander cool and calm even in the worst of times, despite a sweet, peaceful nature that seemed so out of place in a battle commander.
"Clair? Why are you crying?"
The taller woman tried to turn, but Nel's eyes wouldn't let her, pinning her in place and refusing to release her.
"You're going to go out on another mission, Nel."
The redhead frowned.
"Yes, I am. You asked us to take out Vox while the others engaged the rest of the enemy's troops."
Clair shook her head almost violently, a single tear falling down her soft face.
"Nel, you're going out on another mission, and every time you leave, I'm less certain you're going to come home. You keep risking your life, putting yourself in the most dangerous situations you can find, without any regard for your own safety."
Nel shook her head, confused.
"You are the one who asked us to do this, Clair."
"I know," the commander cried softly, "and if you die, I'll have no one to blame but myself. How do you think that makes me feel?!"
The redhead closed her eyes in pained understanding. Not unlike herself, Clair was more than capable of accepting guilt when there was no need.
"Clair, I'm going to come home. Even if I don't, it'll be okay. I know you don't want to send us out into the war, but I'm a soldier. I go where I'm most needed. "
She paused, remembering something she had heard Adray say.
"Your father said something about that to Laselle earlier, actually. He said 'a warrior should always be sent where his country needs him most.' For once, I agree with him. I'm going where I can do Aquaria the most good. It's not your fault if something happens to me."
"Isn't it?"
This was a battlefield Nel had little experience with. She wasn't prepared to deal with the onslaught of emotion the pain and fear in Clair's voice caused her, and she couldn't turn away now, not when her friend so obviously needed reassurance.
"No. In the end, it's my choice whether I go or not. I could choose to run, of course. I always have that option, but the price I'd pay for cowardice is far worse than the one I'd pay if I stood and fought, regardless of life or death."
For a moment, Clair almost begged her friend to do just that, just run away from all of this, but only for that instant. She knew Nel never would. She was too proud, to brave to run. She was a warrior, and there was no escaping that, nor did she honestly want to. Those qualities were such an integral part of her friend that if they were they taken away, Nel wouldn't be Nel anymore, and she didn't want that. It'd be just as bad as the redhead dying.
"Nel, just please be careful. I know you need to do this, but I don't want you to become another corpse on the battlefield."
"Clair, I'm always careful."
The light brown eyes darkened slightly.
"Not lately. Ever since that night, you've been more and more reckless. Even before that, you weren't the most careful person, but afterwards, you started taking even more risks. Cliff and Fayt have talked about things that give me nightmares just to imagine."
Nel growled softly, inwardly pledging to beat the two men senseless for frightening Clair, though a part of her knew she had to take some responsibility for it too.
"My job is a dangerous one. You know that as well as I do."
"But you don't have to go making it even more dangerous on purpose, Nel!"
It took a moment for the spy to realize that Clair was angry, so foreign was the expression on her pale face. Not only was she angry, she was angry with her.
'I've seen her upset and worried, but I can't remember the last time, if ever, she snapped at me like that.'
Clair realized that she had almost yelled at her friend and sighed, turning away again, this time without interruption.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you like that, but I... I'm worried for you, Nel."
"I know."
The redhead stepped up behind her, bringing a hand up to rest on her shoulder.
"I don't want you to worry, and I don't want you to be scared. I want you to live in a peaceful world, far from anything as terrible as war."
Nel closed her eyes again, stepping back. She had said more than she had intended to, leaving herself vulnerable without thought.
'But then, when has Clair ever taken advantage of me when I was feeling weak or vulnerable? Isn't that why I trust her, among other things, above all others?'
The runologist turned around, not surprised to find Nel with her eyes closed, her face flushed slightly in embarrassment. That was typical of her when she said something that could be taken as weak or emotional. Clair just smiled sadly.
"I want that for you too. I don't want you to have to risk your life any more."
'I don't want you to feel like you have no reason to come home anymore...'
With a jolt, the gray haired woman realized just what it was that was affecting her friend so much.
'She doesn't realize how much I need her here, how much I've always needed her...'
Clair felt her knees go inexplicably weak, and she struggled to stand, wondering what had brought on the wave of weakness, then realized just what it is she had come to understand about her best friend.
'What would it be like to feel that no one cared whether you lived or died? Is one person telling her they worry enough to make her understand? And if not, why wouldn't she be willing to die?'
Nel saw Clair jerk as if struck, then almost fall to the hard stone floor in the surprised instant before she caught her in strong arms gone unconsciously gentle around the slim woman.
"Clair? What's wrong?"
The gray haired woman shook her head, surprising the other woman by leaning against her and crying into the cloth of her shirt. She could feel Nel's light armor, which she hadn't had a chance to get out of yet, and through that, her heartbeat.
"Clair?"
Nel was at a loss. First she gets snapped at, then cried on by the person she had always found to be a rock in a world of chaos. Clair was gentle-hearted, but there was steel in her veins to back it up. Still, she rarely became this upset. The redhead thought back to the last time she had seen her friend cry, years ago after some nightmare or another. She had always had them, but usually just ignored whatever it was if she could. When she couldn't, she'd go to Nel's room and wake her up, tears running down her face and her light brown eyes reddened and pained.
'It's just like all those years ago. She looks like she just came from one of the really bad ones, too. Not unlike myself that night.'
She couldn't help but smile faintly at the memory, and she momentarily lost herself in the remembrance.
(Flashback)
It was the same dream she had had before, but this time Clair woke her up almost as soon as it started, holding her while she fought back the fear and pain. The taller woman continued gently caressing her back, which she had started before she had even fallen asleep, the movement calming her frayed nerves once again. She let herself drift off again after awhile, this time not waking until just before dawn, as she usually would. Clair was sleeping lightly, indicated by her slightly tensed body and vaguely irregular breathing.
'She wants to be awake if I need her help...'
The thought made the redhead smile. She and the runologist were different in many ways, but in this, they were the same. They both did everything they could for the people that had earned their respect and trust, and with that, their loyalty. Nel stretched slightly to test her body's responses, pleased to find everything functioning at almost full strength.
'She did a neat job, as always.'
Clair stirred in her arms, and Nel smiled gently in greeting as she opened her tired brown eyes.
"Nel? Everything okay?"
The spy was filled with an amazing sense of delight that the first thing the Shield Legion commander thought of was her well being.
"Yes, everything's fine."
She realized then that she still wasn't wearing her shirt or armor, having taken the armor off before coming to Clair's room. She had fallen asleep wearing it, but after waking from the first nightmare, she had remembered the bloodstained stuff and started to change.
'Of course, there's no reason to be embarrassed or anything.'
But she was. Nel was extremely aware of the other woman's warm clothes and skin against her own flesh, more than even her sharp senses could account for. She felt like she was burning from the inside out, but it didn't hurt. It was just more confusing than anything she had ever experienced.
(Flashback)
She blushed faintly at that memory, then put it aside, putting herself back in the present where she was needed. Nel lifted her taller, lighter friend with ease, cradling her against her chest as she might a child, going down the thankfully empty halls and up the stairs to Clair's room in the manor, sitting down on the bed and leaning against the wall, all the while whispering soft reassurances in Clair's ear.
'She's so scared... I don't know what to do or say to make it better...'
"Clair, please tell me what's wrong. If I can do anything to help, I want to know."
"Nel..."
The taller woman sighed softly, fighting her disobedient body to keep from curling up in the spy's warm arms and spilling out everything she felt for her slim friend. She couldn't afford to take that risk. When she tried to pull away, Nel just held on tighter, not letting her retreat.
"Please, Clair. I don't know what to do. Please, just tell me what's wrong."
She had never heard the redhead plead like that, except for in her nightmare that night. It touched a chord inside her heart she couldn't escape, and wasn't sure she'd want to if she could. Nel was so open to her right then, all her defenses lowered and her confusion so painfully obvious in her intense eyes. Clair couldn't look away from that look, drinking it in and praying she never forgot, as sad as it was. It was a part of Nel she had never seen, and she treasured every side of her friend.
"You..."
Her voice cracked under the strain of so much emotion, and she shook her head, burying her face in the crook of the spy's neck. She wasn't used to feeling so much at once, even around Nel. Much of her calm was a mask, but she had never felt so completely overwhelmed. Clair mastered herself with an effort, dragging her head from its warm, pleasantly scented hiding place.
"You... you'll always have a home to come back to, Nel."
The redhead blinked, startled. Their conversation had just altered drastically, once again going deep into unfamiliar territory. She could tell there was more to what Clair had said than it seemed.
"I know that, Clair."
"Do you?"
The question caught her off guard. She hadn't realized Clair could see through her so easily. Her light brown eyes were searching for something in her face, though she had no idea what. It was strange to see the warm understanding in those eyes directed at her. She had seen it countless times in the face of traumatized soldiers and helpless innocents, but rarely had it been turned on her. She was usually the one comforting Clair.
'Of course, it has been the reverse much more often lately. A smile or a touch whenever I come through here... she's been there for me even when I didn't realize I needed her to be.'
Nel came out of her thoughts when her old friend touched her face with her fingertips.
"You've been so reckless lately, even for you. I think you've forgotten something important."
"W-what might that be?" Nel stammered out, unable to focus properly.
"I will always be here for you, Nel. I worry about you when you're gone, and I'm so happy to see you come back safe. At the same time, you keep throwing yourself at danger. It's like you don't care if you live or die."
The gray-haired woman paused, making sure she had the soldier's rapt attention.
"I don't think you take the time to remember that there's someone here who'll suffer if anything happens to you. You don't see how much you're... you're needed."
The pause bothered Clair. There was something she had wanted to say, something on the tip of her tongue, but it had slipped away. Nel, in the meantime, was staring at her. She couldn't understand how this woman had seen into the darkest parts of her heart and soul. She put herself on the line every day, so sure she had nothing to lose.
'I'm such an idiot sometimes. All those times she says she cares, and as much as I care about her, and I don't listen.'
"I'm sorry, Clair. I should know better."
"You should," the Shield Legion commander said with a sad, affectionate little smile, "but I know you. It takes a long time for anything to get through that stubborn head of yours. One day you'll figure it out. For now I'll take your promise to try to be more careful."
She knew a compromise when she heard one, and that's what was so obviously being given to her. She also knew there was more to what was being said than that. Clair meant something more, but she didn't know what. A promise she could give, Nel knew, but she'd be spending the rest of the day and night, if not longer, trying to figure out what else was going on behind the beautiful eyes.
'Did I just think that? I know Clair is beautiful, but...'
She shook her head slightly, tightening her grip on her friend.
"You have that promise, my friend, and I'll give you another. When this battle is over with, we'll talk more about this."
"That means you have to come back."
'Never misses anything, does she?'
Nel laughed softly, freeing one of her hands to touch the soft, milky cheek not pressed against her shoulder.
"Yes, that's what it means."
Clair smiled softly, warming her from the inside. For just a minute, the agony and sadness was back in her eyes, hinting at a vulnerability that was still raw.
"I'm going to hold you to that, Nel."
"I know," the spy whispered, unable to look away from the liquid brown that had so easily captured her, "I'm counting on it."
The dinner bell rang downstairs, and the two women slowly separated, heading for the door. Just before the redhead opened it, she turned, smiling faintly. She had heard Clair come up behind her, and was only slightly surprised when she was wrapped in a strong embrace. She returned it with one of her own, wiping away a stray tear as she backed away. Her hand lingered of its own accord, brushing back one of the gray tails and stroking the soft skin with the tips of her fingers. Her hand slid down Clair's arm, clasping her hand gently.
"I'll come back tomorrow. Let's eat and get some rest for today, okay?"
Clair managed a small smile. She was still afraid, but she had Nel's promise. If she couldn't trust this woman's word, she couldn't trust anything.
"Let's go."
They left the room together, their hands still joined.