Quistis sat in Squall's chair and stared around the office, simply looking at the room itself for the first time. Weapons' magazines littered the coffee table that sat in front of the black leather couch against one wall. Filing cabinets filled the other side of the wall, two on each side of a bookcase filled with SeeD manuals and textbooks. The desk itself stood just off the third wall, so that there was a clear path from the door to the desk for any unfortunate cadet who had been sent to see the Commander.

The office smelled like coffee and leather and was set at a comfortable temperature, not bare of human comforts and jacket-wearing cold like some rumors led to believe. The room was neat and clean; welcoming, even if that hadn't been the intent.

The desk itself, unlike the room, was cluttered. Work papers were neatly placed in one of three bins at one corner with the phone and the computer sat on the other corner, but in between the two there was an array of open books and sheets of paper with highlighted sentences. She picked one page up and tried to determine what it was about but all she could manage to put together was that it was talking about the human mind. Another page lying on an open book was about memory. Apparently Squall had been doing some extracurricular studying just before the mission and hadn't had time to put it all away.

A coffee mug had been abandoned on one side, a bottle of pain relievers next to it. She frowned at the combination and hoped that wasn't all he'd consumed before he'd left.

Sighing, she nudged the empty box by her feet sadly and started to gather up the papers on the desk. Setting them in the books to mark the pages needlessly, she put these in the bottom of the box and then opened the bottom most drawer of the desk's square leg. When she saw what was in the drawer she laughed softly and took them out one by one. All the framed awards he'd ever been given, shoved away out of sight. Those too she put in the box and moved on to the next draw. Systematically she cleared out Squall's personal stuff, leaving Garden issued items behind. She tried not to think too much about what she was doing, knowing that if she did she'd start crying.

When she'd worked her way around the room and ended up back at the desk, she sat down heavily in the leather chair and leaned back, wondering what would become of the room now.

She brought her knee up to cross her legs but the desk was lower than she expected and her knee banged into the underside of the hard wood. Cursing she pushed the chair back from the desk, and it was then that she realized she'd missed a drawer. It sat just above the roll out keyboard, thin and long. Pulling it open she glanced in: Pencils, highlighters, and more papers.

Pulling the stack out she flipped through it to see if it should go in the box. A folder on Sorceresses powers, a news clipping on the end of the war. Seeing the gloss of an old picture, she pulled it out and smiled. The image was of Laguna Lorie and Squall's mother, Raine Leonhart. The two stood wrapped in each other's arms, smiling happily towards the camera. She flipped it over and saw Laguna's handwriting, large and flowing. Squall, I've been carrying this picture around for years, but I think it's time to hand it over to you - Happy Birthday. A father's love

She put the picture back in its spot gently. They'd all known before Squall, when the Estharian President had arrived at the victory celebration. Standing side by side, the resemblance was undeniable. Leaning over she went to place the pile in the full box when something fell away and landed on the floor. It was another picture. Picking it up, she furrowed her brows in confusion.

What was a picture of Seifer Almasy doing in Squall's personal papers?

There was a knock on the door before it opened. Quistis placed the picture back in the pile and let it drop in the box before straightening as the Headmaster Cid walked into the office.

"Sir," she said in surprise and stood to salute.

"At ease," Cid replied with an impatient wave of his hand. He studied her as she sat back down. "You look good behind a desk."

"Sir?"

Cid didn't reply to her questioning look and slowly walked around the office, now devoid of any personal touches. Again he studied her, as if making up his mind about something. "How is Squall?" he asked.

"He's been sleeping," she replied, biting off her added thought that if the headmaster had gone down to the infirmary himself he'd have known that Squall had done nothing but sleep in the last week. She didn't know why Cid hadn't been down to visit his Second in Command, and tried to refrain from making theories. She had never understood the Headmaster all that well, and didn't think trying to find the answer would get her anywhere.

Cid paused by the couch and look out the window at the Balamb plains. "The World Council is in a few weeks,' he said not turning around. "Balamb needs to be represented by a Commander."

Quistis looked down at the box on the floor at her feet. In other words, Cid needed to appoint a new Commander. Squall hadn't only lost his sight; he'd lost his job as well. Though it hadn't been said yet, he'd probably lost his seat in the World Council as well. He'd been given it for leading the defeat of Ultimecia. The fact that he was Balamb's Commander simply meant that there was one less chair.

Logically, from Cid's standpoint, it was the only thing that could be done in the circumstances, but she really didn't blame Squall for sleeping the week away. What was there for him to wake up to anymore?

"There wasn't a Commander before you gave the position to Squall," she pointed out.

"After NORG, I needed someone to handle the financial side of running the Garden and SeeD operations."

Quistis remembered. He'd thrown the bomb of a gift at Squall and run off so that he wouldn't have to face his wife across the battlefield. She supposed she could understand, but it had been anything but welcome to Squall who had been in the middle of trying to fight a war.

Cid had come back after the war when Squall had immersed himself completely in missions, completing one only to jump into another, working feverishly with no stop. She'd worried about the brunette then, wondering why he didn't stop. She'd thought for a time that he might have been on a battle high from the war. She had felt it herself the first week after the war when she found she no longer needed to fight for her life every day, but Squall had kept at it for months until he'd overstrained himself and ended up in the infirmary.

Cid had finally acted then, pulling the Commander off the field and putting him behind a desk. Squall had overseen some of the bigger missions but the need for missions lessened the further away from the war they got. And then Cid had left again. He'd come back now and again to oversee the Garden's progress, but there wasn't much for him to do once Squall had taken over the paperwork. Just advisement when Squall needed an opinion on a particular decision and appearances at conferences.

Squall hadn't been out in the field for months before this last mission. It was why she'd pushed at him to go with them, knowing the public would appreciate a glimpse of the fighter in action again. She'd also hoped that it would pull him out of his recent dark mood.

"The position wasn't only for Second in Command, Quistis," Cid said, breaking into her thoughts. He had turned to look at her, seeming to know where her thoughts had led her. "You could say that it was training."

Quistis blinked in surprise. "You were going to give Squall headmastership?" She supposed she should have seen it. Why else would Cid have pushed himself so far into the background?

Cid smiled slightly. "He had promise, that boy. A quick mind and sound instincts."

Not liking the past reference words, Quistis tried to bring them back to the point of Cid's visit. "So you've found a replacement then?"

"I have a few ideas," the headmaster said and paused before he dropped the bait. "Would you accept the position, if I offered it to you?"

Quistis' eyes widened, Cid's innocent words of you look good behind a desk running though her mind. She quickly stood and distanced herself from the desk she'd been sitting at. "Me?" Her voice came out squeaky and she hastily cleared her throat. "Sir, I'm not sure-"

"Think on it," Cid said, interrupting her mid-sentence.

She watched him leave the room and cursed after him once he was out of earshot. He'd always had a knack for surprising her in the least expected way. Her as Commander, soon to be Headmistress? Cid was out of his mind to even propose it.

She stomped back to the desk to stoop and retrieve the box of Squall's items, and then paused. Cid had said he had a few ideas, so there were other candidates. Nida and XU might be high on that list, having taken over the running of the Garden when Squall literally jumped through time to save them all.

She made her way to Squall's apartment suite mulling it all over in her mind. If she was truthful, her incredulity at the situation wasn't because she couldn't do the job; she knew she could, probably more gracefully than Squall had. What ate at her was that knowledge that she'd be stealing the job right out from under Squall's nose.

Keying in the code that she'd been given, she opened Squall's door and went in to place the box on Squall's desk. She wondered what would happen to the stuff now, and making her way back out of the room decided that she'd visit the infirmary. Maybe Squall would be awake and aware enough to eat something.

She'd barely made it out of the apartment suites however before her phone vibrated against her hip. Digging it out, she flipped it open. "Trepe."

"You don't have to go all formal on me Quisty you know that," a cheerful voice replied on the other side of the line.

"Oh, Selphie. Sorry, I didn't check the ID. How's Trabia?"

"Great!" Selphie's voice came in a burst. "We just finished the last of the rebuilding! It's been two long years of hammer and nails but Trabia looks even better than before."

"That's great Selphie." The comment came out a little dry. Quistis was glad that all Selphie's hard work had paid off but she couldn't bring herself to share the joy. Maybe if the news had come two weeks earlier.

Her lack of enthusiasm didn't seem to daunt the other woman. "Isn't it? I helped the young children settle in their new foster families today. But anyways I wanted to check up on you and let you know that I bought a ticket for Balamb today. I'm gonna come visiting! I'm packing right now."

"You're coming today?" Quistis asked in surprise.

"I wish. The train leaves in two days!"

Quistis thought about telling Selphie that packing was useless that early before a trip but decided against it. Selphie wouldn't listen anyways. "That's wonderful." She replied instead. "We could certainly use your cheerfulness down here."

"Of course you do," Selphie agreed readily. "Whenever I leave I come back to find you all frowning and taking classes on how to apply the Leonhart death glare. Seriously I don't know how you get along without me." Quistis opened her mouth to ask how much the petite girl knew but Selphie interrupted her. "I got the scoop on Squall from Irvine already so no need to explain. How are you holding up Quisty?"

Quistis let a weary sigh escape. "I'm not sure Selphie. So much has happened in the last week."

"You sound tired. Are you getting enough sleep?"

Quistis didn't answer. How could she explain that every time she closed her eyes she saw the explosion? It was her fault that Squall had even been on that mission.

"Quisty," Selphie whined into the silence. "Don't beat yourself up. Squall will be fine."

"He won't ever see again!" Quistis snapped and immediately regretted the words. "Sorry."

"It's alright." Selphie replied soothingly. "But really Quistis no matter how much you think this is your fault – I know you're doing it because you always do – it's not. You couldn't have known this would happen. Unless you knew that tank would explode then it's not your fault."

"I should have known something would happen."

"Quistis stop." Selphie ordered, a hard edge coming into her voice. "You're blowing this out of proportion. Look, there's a blind women down here in Trabia. She does just fine. Reads those books for the blind and all. A nice young man helps her around town all the time. Just because Squall can't see any more doesn't mean he can't do anything ever again."

Quistis rubbed her face with her free hand. "Since when did you become so good at giving advice, Selphie?"

"Since I started looking after my best friends!" came the instantaneous reply. "I miss you sooooo much Quisty!"

"I miss you too, Selphie. I'm glad you're coming down."

"I'm going to plan trips down to the beach and picnics and-"

Quistis listened to Selphie's charade of plans indulgently. Before Selphie had left for Trabia they had made plans like these - or Selphie had made the plans and the rest of them went along with it. Squall had declined more often than not with the excuse that he had work, but those times when he agreed were some the best days she'd ever had.

When Selphie's list didn't seem to be coming to a close Quistis cleared her throat. "That sounds great Selphie. I'm sure we'll have fun."

Selphie giggled happily in agreement. "Have you heard from Zell yet?"

"No, he's still in Centra for another month. I've left a message." She paused before rushing ahead, desperately needing advice. "Cid asked me if I'd take over the position of Commander."

"Really? That's great! You said yes of course."

"I didn't say anything. Is it great, Selphie? I feel like I'd be twisting the knife in Squall's stomach, taking his job from underneath him like that."

She heard Selphie sigh tolerantly. "If you don't take the job, Quis, someone else will. Squall's not going to be upset if you take over. He knows you're competent enough. If he does get upset, that's just his own damn fault."

"But it's not his fault. None of this is."

"You really do go in full circles, don't you Quisty," Selphie said, chuckling before sobering again. "It's not your fault either. It's no one's fault. It just happened, and everyone has to make the most out of the pieces. Like the war. We had to do our best with what we were given."

"So you think I should take the job?"

"Better you, than someone else. Besides, you're a war hero too; people know you." Selphie started to say something else but stopped mid-word. Quistis distantly heard words being shouted on the other side of the line. After a second the sounds became muffled as if Selphie had put a hand over the phone to block it out. A second later the shouting died away and Selphie's bubbly voice came back.

"Sorry 'bout that. I've got to go. Don't worry about it, okay? I love you Quisty! And don't forget, my train comes into Balamb in two days. See you soon!"

Before Quistis could repeat the goodbye the line went dead.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

When Kiros came into the office with a handful of papers and a package, Laguna was busy reading his computer screen. That in itself wasn't unusual, but the intent concentration on the president's face was. He gestured for Kiros to put the papers on the desk and immediately went back to what he'd been reading. After a minute he realized Kiros hadn't left and looked up again, giving his friend and advisor a distracted look.

"I've never seen you so transfixed by work, Laguna." Kiros said once he saw he had the president's attention.

A spark of guilt flashed into Laguna's eyes. "Oh, um … well I … I'm not exactly working."

Kiros sent a slow look towards the stack of papers in the president's in-box –much higher than usual – before coming around the desk to put a hand on Laguna's shoulder. The website on the computer had the heading Blindness: Questions and Answers. Kiros squeezed the shoulder under his hand sympathetically and didn't say any more on it.

"This package came through." He said, handing the box to Laguna.

Laguna set it aside on his desk, avoiding Kiros' eye for a few seconds before conceding. "It's Braille. For Squall."

"I'm sure he'll appreciate it." Kiros said with a soft smile and walked to the window to close it against the coming storm. Already dark clouds were swirling in the sky, waiting to unleash their downpour.

"You think?" Laguna called after him. "Squall didn't like it very much when I bought him that convertible last year and he refused my offer on the vacation house."

"A book is small compared to a house. I don't think he'll mind much Laguna."

Laguna did have the tendency to buy his son expensive things. Luckily for the budget Squall had refused most gifts. Laguna spent as much time sending things to Squall as Squall spent sending them back to Kiros.

"How about a dog? There are special dogs that could help him navigate."

"Probably not," he said over his shoulder and went to the wall length bookcases, stopping in front of the array of picture frames.

In the picture he had sought Squall was sitting on the edge of a fountain with a knee balancing his elbow. It looked as if he'd been caught in the act of looking towards the camera. Laguna, a picture collector, claimed that he had needed to resort to devious means if he had any chance at getting a recent picture of Squall. Kiros knew there was a stash of more pictures in Laguna's desk, but he'd warned him it was probably only safe to put one picture of Squall on display, or the rest would meet an unfortunate end with a Gunblade.

Along with Squall, there were pictures of Ellone and Raine and one of Ward and himself. Towards the back however, blonde hair contrasted with the breed of dark hair. Seifer Almasy smirked lazily, the camera capturing a devious twinkle in his eye.

The blonde hadn't liked his picture put on display with the others but Laguna had been adamant.

The President had been the one to find Seifer, unconscious in the presidential gardens after the war had ended, almost at the same time he'd received the call that Rinoa had succeeded in pulling Squall out of Time Compression. Laguna had taken it upon himself to give the wanted man a place to stay the night and one night had turned into weeks. Kiros still didn't know if it had been the right thing to do, housing a man wanted for murder and treason, but Laguna had always had a weakness for strays.

Seifer had left after his trial and pardon to live in Deling and become a lawyer, but the President and Knight had created a bond somehow while Kiros hadn't been looking and it had lasted easily since.

"When did you say Seifer was visiting?" he asked, turning away from the picture. It wasn't that he didn't like Seifer – the man was easy enough to like when he wasn't being a bastard – he just worried that Laguna trusted the man too much.

"Within the week. Oh! I've got to call Dr. Kadowaki!"

Kiros decided he didn't want to know.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Quistis stared at the long gash in the infirmary wall with apprehension. It was clear a blade had been taken to it, but whether it was a vicious strike or an accident she couldn't tell. Striding to the closet where Dr. Kadowaki kept the unneeded personal items of her patients, where she herself had placed Squall's blade, she tore the door open and stared inside. The case was open and the blade gone.

"Shit," she muttered, wondering how in the hell Squall had managed to get it.

Snapping the door shut again she made a run for Squall's room, images of him slashing his wrists searing into her mind. She had just reached the door when a screech of metal on metal sounded through the wood. She shoved the door inward and rushed inside into chaos.

Squall was standing near the center of the room, panting harshly as he wrenched his Gunblade from the metal bed frame where it had stuck. Metal screeched again as Squall's blade was pulled from the rent it had made. There were horizontal marks on the walls and the lamp that had been replaced on the end table lay in pieces on the floor. Her frantic eyes searched for blood, but there was none, just sweat sticking the cotton shirt to a muscled torso.

"Are you insane!" she shouted and pushed the door further in so that it banged against the wall. Squall's shoulder's flinched at the sound and he turned his head towards her. She stalked forwards, her mind doing cartwheels as her emotions plummeted from her initial panic into anger and fear. What the hell was he doing? There was no wild edge to his movements so he wasn't simply carving out his anger.

Squall lowered the blade and she stopped a few feet away. "What the hell are you doing?" she asked harshly, fighting the urge to wrestle the weapon away from the brunette. Hyne, just one miscalculated slip and he could embed the long blade in his own leg.

Squall's hand tightened on the handle as if he could sense that Quistis was about to pounce. "Practicing," he said in a hard voice.

"Practicing what? How to destroy the room?" She immediately wished she could take her words back as Squall's face tightened and he turned away. "Squall, I'm sorry." She placed a hand on his shoulder, but he pulled away with his back still turned. "I panicked. And… I don't think it's a good idea to be swinging your blade around right now?" Never. It was never going to be a good time, not now. She had thought that Squall had realized it too, but apparently he'd skipped over that finer detail.

It was then that it finally processed that he was awake and out of bed. He was standing up, for god's sake, and she had immediately started yelling at him. Feeling like her emotions were all over the place, she took a deep breath and tried to still the churning in her stomach.

Squall was a careful man, thinking before he acted, right?

No, he'd always been a bit reckless. He was being reckless now, handling a gunblade when he couldn't see what he might hit.

"Squall… will you please just give me your blade."

"No."

"Squall!"

"Oh dear" a new voice interrupted in the doorway.

Quistis whipped around as Dr. Kadowaki walked into the room and assessed the damage with an unreadable expression. Then she glanced between Quistis and Squall and the palpable tension swimming between them. She smiled gently at Quistis and nodded her head towards the door. "Why don't you go to my office and get a cup of tea Quistis?"

Knowing Squall wouldn't see it, she sent a glare towards him anyways before stalking out. Once she'd made it to the safety of the Doctor's office, she let out her clenched breath and sat down on the worn couch in the room. She wouldn't have been so angry if she wasn't so scared.

"Can't you drive faster?" Irvine shouted over Squall's choked screams as he struggled to hold down the brunette's convulsing limbs. "I'm going as fast as I can," she snarled back, fighting the urge to let go of the wheel and block out the sounds her friend was making.

Quistis blinked and raised a hand to her wet cheek. Dr. Kadowaki had said that Squall didn't remember the accident, but she remembered every minute and feared that it would haunt her for years.

Dr. Kadowaki came into the office but stopped when she caught sight of Quistis. "Are you alright honey?"

Quistis tried to smile. "Yes. I'm fine."

The older woman studied her, obviously not believing her assertion. "You haven't been sleeping very well have you?" It wasn't a question but Quistis found herself answering anyways.

"Every time I close my eyes I see the accident."

Dr. Kadowaki gave her a sympathetic look and walked to a cabinet. She rummaged around a little and finally came up with a bottle that she handed to Quistis. "Here. These will help. Take one before you're ready to sleep."

Quistis took the bottle and stared at it for a minute, before looking back up at the doctor. "I've never seen him in that much pain, not even in the war. To be experiencing it… I can't believe Squall doesn't remember it."

The older women sat down next to Quistis. "That's why he doesn't remember, Quistis. His body remembers the pain but his mind forgets. It's subconscious; he doesn't know he's blocking the memory."

Quistis shook her head, confused. "I don't understand. How can you block a memory?"

The doctor was silent for a minute, obviously preparing her answer. "You know the side-effects of junctioning a Guardian Force."

"Yes. I was there when SeeD discovered the truth. The longer you junction the more susceptible you are to lost memories." It was why SeeD reframed from using the creatures unless they needed the junction to allow them to stock magic.

Dr. Kadowaki nodded. "I've been keeping an eye out for any other effects since then and haven't seen any … until now."

Quistis turned to face the other women. "What are you saying? That because Squall junctioned GFs he now has the capability to lose his memories on his own?"

"The memory is still there Quistis, it's just buried deep. And no, Squall is not doing it, his subconscious mind is."

She contemplated that. "I've used GFs. Half the Garden has."

Dr. Kadowaki shook her head. "I think he's junctioned more than anyone realized, Quistis."

Quistis' stomach began to churn uncomfortably again. "…You're not saying that he was junctioning after the war, are you? That was after we found out! Why the hell would he continue to use them?"

"I thought maybe you knew." Dr. Kadowaki replied, frowning thoughtfully.

All those missions Squall had been on. He hadn't needed magic for most of them, didn't need to junction, but what if he had? As Commander, he had access to all the Guardian Forces stored in Balamb. Theoretically he could have junctioned every single one without anyone guessing.

"How many has he junctioned since the war?" she demanded but the doctor shook her head to show she didn't know. "He was intentionally junctioning Guardian Forces knowing that he'd lose some of his memories in the process?" Quistis stood up abruptly and turned towards the window where a breeze was swirling leaves passed. "Why would he do that?"

Dr. Kadowaki stayed on the couch, giving her space.

Quistis looked over her shoulder at the woman. Squall knew the risks, as much as she did. "He wanted to lose a memory?" The doctor didn't answer and Quistis rubbed her face with both hands. What could Squall have wanted to forget?

"When you don't use the Guardian forces for extended periods of time, the memories come back." She said, thinking out loud. "He's been off the field for months." As long as he hadn't stayed junctioned when off the field, the memory could have resurfaced, triggered by something small.

Causing a sudden withdrawal?

She had thought that Squall's dark mood had been because of whatever had happened between him and Rinoa, but now… Was Rinoa's leaving caused from the returned memories as well?

What the hell had he tried to forget?

She thought back to the papers she'd found spread across Squall's desk that morning. They'd been on memory and the mind.

As a sudden thought occurred to Quistis, she whirled back to face the doctor. "What about this subconscious mind trick? Does it work the same? Will the memory of the accident come back too?"

"Eventually, yes. If I'm correct in my theories."

"If he remembers the accident…"

Dr. Kadowaki answered Qusitis' unasked question. "I don't know what will happen Quistis. I've never seen anyone who could repress a memory in the first place. People can push them to the back of their minds or distort them but to completely block it?"

"But you have a theory?"

The doctor rubbed the bridge of her nose. "My guess is that when the memory comes back it will come back like any other memory you or other SeeDs have had returned to you; when something triggers it."

Quistis walked back to the couch and sat down heavily, trying to take it all in. Too much had happened that day; all she wanted to do was crawl under some blankets in a dark room and pretend none of it had happened.

"What did you do after I left the room?" she finally asked.

"He agreed to leave the weapon in its case as long as it stayed with him."

Quistis gave a low laugh and shook her head before sobering again. "He wants it all to be like it was before. But it can't." She knew the biggest problem with the whole situation. Squall never asked for help. He never even admitted it when he did.

And now he was in a position where he needed it.