Title insp. Setting Fires by the Chainsmokers ft XYLO.
Edit: Thank you to the guest review pointing out some mistakes, I have updated the chapter to fix them.
_
They all saw it.
"Shit." Jane mumbles to the ground before turning to Korsak first, "We need uniforms outside of her room 24/7."
"It's already taken care of," He responds and Jane is grateful that he doesn't bring up the kiss although the shock is still evident on his face. She wonders if that is reflected in hers too.
"Someone is really pissed off at me." Jane comments to keep the silence from settling in.
"We knew that yesterday." Korsak remarks, trying to lift the detective's mood with a little humour, "Doesn't really narrow it down." Jane looks at him, appreciating his attempt at normalcy all things considered, but is not in the mood for it, "Go check on your brother," Korsak advises and then turns to sit on the hood of the car, resuming his previous notebook flicking while he waits for her to return.
Jane makes her way over to her brother, "Hey," she says gently, her mind scrambling back and forth between Harris and Maura like a fragmented hard drive working overtime to piece everything together.
"Hey." Frankie responds, almost cheerfully as he holds an ice pack to the back of his head and smirks at her, "So, you and Maura huh?"
Jane slaps his arm, mildly irritated, "Shut up!" she does not want to hear about it right now.
Frankie laughs, "I guess it makes sense now why you didn't want me to date her, you were jealous."
"Nooo!" Jane immediately defends, hands sitting on her belt reflexively, "I was not! I just-"
"You don't have to defend yourselves to me; I think you're pretty cute together."
"CUTE?" Jane yells but then pulls her volume down immediately afterwards, not wishing to draw any more attention to herself this afternoon, "Oh no. I am not 'cute' I am a badass," Jane points to herself, "and Maura is not 'cute' she's-"
"Beautiful?" Frankie helps.
"Yes. But it's not what you're thinking, I was going to say a certified genius and we are not cute!"
"So how long have you two-?"
"We're not! We don't- we aren't…" Jane tries to explain in a huff. "It's not like that and you know it."
"Uh-huh. Okay well, I think you should go for it."
"You think so?" Jane asks before she can stop herself and figure out of why she is protesting in the first place.
Frankie nods, "Yeah, I mean, who knows her better than you? You're her best friend, you're always there for her, you understand her, you don't judge her, she's already met Ma and Ma adores her."
"Yeah, exactly, I'm her best friend. FRIEND. We're friends Frankie, that's all." She starts to lean forward threateningly and Frankie instinctively leans back, holding his hands up in surrender.
"Okay okay, you're just friends! You can fight with me all day but I'm only trying to help you two. You don't have to admit it to me but at least listen to yourself, is that how you really feel Janey? Cos you might wanna have a chat with Maura, it looks like she's on a different page."
Jane nods and straightens up, "She's probably just stressed, or traumatized… I'm sure she didn't mean it." She takes on Maura's usual role of trying to rationalise the situation, knowing she is going to have to deal with it sooner rather than later but wanting to avoid thinking about it for as long as she can. But not thinking about it meant not talking about it. "I'll talk to her when I get to the hospital okay? How are you doing?"
"I'm fine-" Frankie starts but another EMT cuts him off.
"Scrapes and bruises mostly." He steps around from the side of the van to face the Rizzoli siblings, his nametag reading 'RYE'. "The bump on his head looks alright, but we're going to make sure he gets that checked out at General too."
"I feel fine, I'm fine." Frankie defends, eyeing Rye and trying to convince him that he does not need another trip to the hospital.
"Hey," Jane calls his attention back to her, "If the doctor says you need to get checked out, you're going."
He scoffs, "You wouldn't go."
"Yeah well, do as I say not as I do."
"You're not my mother."
"No, but if Ma was here she'd be saying the same thing, now go before I make Korsak order you to." Jane points into the van with an expectant gaze.
It is not without grumbling and mumbled complaints, but he consents to transportation to the hospital for testing. Rye helps him into the back, directing him to lie down on the stretcher so he can strap him in as per safety regulations. Jane watches with fidgeting hands in front of her as nervousness settles back into her bones.
"Hey," Korsak is suddenly standing beside her and she jumps slightly; she had not heard him walk up. "there's nothing more you can do here, you've had a hell of a day. Let me drive you to the hospital."
"No," Jane protests, eyes flicking over to the ambulance she left Maura at but it has gone and taken the doctor with it, "We still need to-"
"It's fine, we've got it from here, c'mon."
"But-"
Upon running into the typical Rizzoli resistance, Korsak tries a different tact, "Alright then take a seat and you can start writing out your statement for the officer involved shooting incident report."
Jane visibly cringes at the thought as though she is allergic to paperwork and heads towards the car, "Ew, no thanks. I pick hospital."
Korsak cannot help the small laugh that escapes him; you can always count on a homicide detectives disdain for paperwork. "Would you like to drive?" He offers, "Perhaps it will give you a sense of control over today."
"No!" Jane responds, not wanting to feel like anyone was pitying her and secretly, concerned that she would be too distracted and cause a crash. The last thing she wants is to be cooped up in a hospital bed, sitting around all day with nothing to do, cut out of the investigation and work, vulnerable and unable to protect her family.
Korsak takes the lead, adjusting the seat back as he gets in to give his legs the room he needs. He checks Jane has put her seatbelt on and then starts the car but before driving away, makes a point to change the radio station to something softer in hopes of calming the detective.
Jane leans her elbow against the window and bites the nail of her thumb, losing herself to her thoughts before Korsak can lose sight of the building behind them in the mirrors. She knows that all she has achieved is swapping one stress for another; she does not want to recount what happened but she does not want to confront Maura about the kiss either. Not until she has had time to think over both incidents.
The detective leans back, unaware that she had been sitting forward until she moved, oblivious to Korsak glancing at her periodically. It was not that she had never thought about Maura in that way, or thought about kissing her- it was more that she had too much respect for her best friend to cross the line drawn in the sand unspoken between them. She knew they were friends and had never expected it to be more than that, her friendship was more important to Jane than anything else. To think about her like that in anyway felt as though she were betraying Maura's trust in her or being disrespectful. She felt guilty for even thinking about kissing her that she could not let herself imagine anything more. Jane had been curious what it would be like to be with Maura in a romantic sense and justified it to herself that surely everyone had these thoughts about their friends on occasion. It was harmless, right? She tried not to question how their history had bonded them, or how it shaped her feelings, or just how deep those feelings ran, preferring instead to maintain the status quo. Jane had wondered from time to time how she would respond if Maura showed an interest in her but had always brushed the thought aside because it brought with it a surprisingly hurtful reality that it was not to happen.
But then it did.
She kissed me. Jane stared out the window, her tips of her fingers touching her lips and now forced to confront the questions she had purposefully left ignored and unanswered. She kissed me and I ran away. A feeling of shame spread through her for the first time at her actions. Maura must think I don't share her feelings. She hated to think that she would be the cause of Maura's pain, especially after a day like today where she was already at, or even possibly beyond, her limits. But what exactly are my feelings? Does she have feelings for me? She sure seems to be harbouring something that she hasn't told me about but what exactly are the limits of my feelings for her? Or hers for me? Can I see myself dating my best friend? Do I love her? Sure I do but-
"Jane?"
"Huh?" She tears her hand away from her mouth, letting it fall to her lap, turning to her partner.
"Are you okay? You don't usually talk to yourself."
"I-" Jane went to deny the accusation but realized he was right; she had been muttering slightly but could not recall what she had said. "Sorry."
"You don't have to apologize," Korsak assured, hoping to keep the lines of communication open between them, "I just want to make sure that you're alright." He kept his eyes on the road.
"Yeah, yeah." Jane dismissed, looking back out the window "I'm fine."
"This about Maura?"
Jane whirls back around so fast her ponytail flicks the headrest behind her, "What do you mean?" she asks harsher than intended, invisible barriers beginning to hastily build themselves in place.
"Have you two been seeing each other?"
"We work together and she lives with my mother." Jane snips, questioning why she is being defensive or what she thinks she is trying to hide but still avoiding the answers she doesn't feel she is ready to come to yet.
"I mean outside of work; Jane I want you to know-"
"There's nothing going on between me and Maura. She's my best friend and I hate seeing her all broken up like that, can we just- drive please." She gestures to the road ahead, wishing they could go back to the silence and not discuss this.
Korsak resists the urge to correct her sentence structure, "Jane I saw what happened and I'm not trying to condemn you for it-"
"Good. Then don't."
"Will you let me finish?" Korsak remains calm with the understanding that today has been a horror show with the highest stakes and the Rizzoli emotional fallout can be wild and unexpected. He's worked with her long enough to know that if he keeps his cool, Jane too will come around and when she doesn't respond he takes that as a good sign. "I don't know what your feelings are in this matter but Maura is in a very fragile state and after everything that's happened over the years I would be surprised if the two of you didn't have a very strong bond. I just want you to know that if you decide to pursue this you have my support," he looks over to her for a second so the detective can read the sincerity in his expression. "and if you don't then I respectfully suggest you choose your words to her carefully because right now she's hurting and needs your support. Losing you now might just send over the edge. Permanently."
Jane's shoulders drop and Korsak's support for the both of them no matter the outcome hits her harder than she expected. "I know," She rasps out and tries to clear her throat. She hadn't gotten to thinking about how those around her would react since she was trying to discern what it is that she wanted and how exactly she felt, "God," she puts her head in her hands, trying to hide from it all, "I don't want to hurt her." Jane looks at Korsak for help, even knowing the man has had four wives, "What do I do?"
"Do you love her?"
"Of course, she's family."
"Are you in love with her?" Korsak amends.
"I-" Jane hesitates, "I don't know, I haven't thought about it," she admits, rubbing her palm with her thumb in a nervous gesture, shoulders held high and feeling very out of her depth.
"Whatever you decide, we're with you. Just remember that if this goes badly it will be the talk of the department trying to figure out what broke up the infamous inseparable Doctor Isles and Detective Rizzoli." He tries to joke.
"We're already going to be the talk of the precinct." Jane grumbles and then a thought hits her like a freight train, "Please don't tell anyone what happened, Maura doesn't need that kind of flak from her peers right now." Jane is confident that she can handle anything anyone wants to throw her way, but she'll be damned if she lets anyone else contribute to Maura's trauma today. The last thing Maura needs is to be alienated from the one place she feels she belongs in this world. She thinks to herself.
Korsak smiles that Jane's first thought is to protect Maura. She may not see the significance of her words but he has a sneaking suspicion which way their conversation will go and he makes a note to avoid going down to the morgue for the next few months at least. "Your secret is safe with us, but if anyone tries to give either of you any shit they're gonna have to go through Frankie and I first."
Jane gives a wry smile, "Thanks, I guess." and tries to return to her thoughts, "I just- it was such a surprise you know? I didn't expect her to-" she stops mid-sentence, brow creasing and shaking her head slightly. What does she want? What did it mean to her? Could this just be a stress-induced reaction that she regrets? I didn't exactly respond with assurances or welcoming arms.
"Kiss you?" Korsak finishes, making sure they are on the same page. Jane nods, "How do you feel about that?"
"I don't know, I mean I love her but I don't know what I want out of this. I've spent a lot of time trying not to think about it, that I'm in over my head now."
"Sounds like you've given this some thought before. Normally I'd say trust your gut but today I'm going to amend that." He pulls into a loading zone and turns off the car, Jane only now realizing they have arrived at the hospital, "Trust your heart Jane." Korsak watches her expression, watching the open concern and jitters as she shifts her hands and holds the door handle, very obviously itching to escape.
Jane nods, "Okay," she acknowledges and exits the car with a hasty, "Thanks for the ride." over her shoulder.
"How are you getting home?" Korsak hollers out through the closed door, Jane crouches by the widows and shrugs.
"I'll figure it out later." With an appreciative thump on the cars door, Jane jogs over to the entrance of the hospital, her heart beginning to race again and she calls out to the first member of staff she sees in the ER, "I'm looking for Maura Isles; she should have come in before me in an ambulance. I'm a detective, I need to see her." Jane flashes her badge for them to see.
"Jane."
The detective recognizes the voice immediately but isn't sure if she's relieved or more anxious to hear it, she had planned on finding out where her best friend was and then hovering around outside until she could plan what she was going to say to her. Regardless, Maura has seen her now and she wants a status update immediately so she strides over to her, reflexively reaching out to touch her but then halting, suddenly unsure if it's okay to touch her and drops her hands to her belt out of habit, "Hey, you doin' alright?" she asks, noting that Maura is still in her own clothes and not actually making use of the immaculate bed she's sitting on. Maura nods, but she looks exhausted now compared to her previous distressed state and as Jane examines her more thoroughly she realizes her makeup has smudged, "Have you been crying?" She asks softly, reaching out again and this time putting her hand on Maura's shoulder.
Maura doesn't meet her gaze, pulling her lip into her mouth and running her tongue over the abrasion. Unable to lie, she nods. "I'm okay now, one of the nurses-" she starts fiddling with the bedsheet underneath her as though there were wrinkles that needed to be ironed out. "I must admit I was in rather a state when I arrived and they decided they needed to sedate me," she shakes her head as though it were something to be truly ashamed of, "but I'm alright now." She looks up, although not at Jane and to the wall beside her head as though trying to see into her own head for analysis, "That could be a biased assessment given the circumstances. Yes, I can definitely feel the drugs' effects on my central nervous system providing a false sense of calm over the rest of my body that will wear off in a few hours but-"
"Sooo, you're not alright?" Jane questions.
"Physically I'm fine."
Jane glares down at her now, it doesn't escape her that Maura chose to avoiding answering the question holistically, "And what about not-physically?"
"That's not proper English-"
"Maura." Jane warns, refusing to be redirected.
The doctor licks her lips nervously and twists her hands together in front of her, avoiding Jane's eyes and sighing, "It's not uncommon for someone who experiences a significant trauma to harbor feelings of fear, anxiety, guilt or sadness, numbness or even anger which seems to be your go to emotion. I've noticed a history of avoidance with anything related to the experience, withdrawing and having trouble trusting others, often irrespective of prior relationships." Jane lets her scientifically analyse her emotions as though they are not her own, distancing herself from the situation to rationalize her human reactions according to how science tells her she ought to behave and respond. "I have to apologize; I don't want my actions to have adverse reactions on our friendship-"
"Hey don't even worry about it," Jane understands immediately what she's referring to and tries to diffuse the conversation without having to really talk about it, "I'm not going to leave you okay? You don't have to worry about that, I'll always be here for you, I wouldn't leave my best friend like that." Jane assures and wraps her up in a gentle hug, guiding her head to her breastbone as she would a small child and holding her there, rocking them from side to side and resting her chin atop Maura's head, "You can't scare me off that easy." She recalls the time when Maura's assistant kissed her as a means of distraction and starts to draw the parallels between the situations, further rationalising to herself that Maura has other intentions.
"Right, of course, you're my best friend," Maura mumbles and then closes her eyes to the tears trying to reform. She can feel Jane's steady breaths and listens for her heartbeat while her own remains unsteady and a little out of her control. Focusing on the tap of blood pumping under her friend's skin, a reassurance that they're both alive and have escaped another horrific event, Maura tries to use it in combination with breathing techniques she's read about in her science magazines to combat intense anxiety attacks to calm herself. She feels Jane place a tender kiss in her hair and it almost sends a sob through her, the token of affection reminding her of the mistake she believes she made not all that long ago.
Jane meanwhile is reeling, taking the time to drop the carefully held up mask and let her confusion play across her face as Maura tenses under her affections. She curses herself for being too cowardice to say or do anything more but still wrestles with unknowing, and the lack of answers or understanding frustrating her but assisting in stalling her response. She knows that the longer she waits to react to Maura's sudden display of need and possible attraction, the more she damages what they have and hurts her friend in the process.
I need to act now.
Jane reflects on the times she had briefly wondered what Maura would be like romantically but previously would not allow herself to indulge, her current affections, and her body's natural reaction to the surprise she received earlier. She decides to make it simple for herself and bring it down to one thought: Even if I don't know what my feelings are now, do I want to take the chance that this could be something more or am I 100% certain that what I feel is purely platonic and will never be anything else? Thinking specifically on the excitement that she felt when Maura kissed her, she resolves to tell her.
"Maura," Jane sighs her name and leans back to put some physical space between them, ready to start getting this conversation over and done with so she can have at least one answer today and get one thing off her plate of problems, "I don't know what this means or what's going on between us now; if this a manifestation of stress, or trauma, or if this is real, or if now the best time to be thinking about this-" Her answer surprises her because it's not the route she had intended to go down.
Jane pauses to try and bring her thoughts back on track to asking what it all meant to Maura, but the doctor takes her pause as a chance to respond, "I know and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to complicate things between us," she starts waving her hands in placating gestures and sits up straighter. It is an outwards sign of her defences going up and her intention to bring their relationship back a professional one. "I don't usually respond the way I did today when I-" she falters but knows she needs to finish her sentence, and the sooner she does, the sooner she can let go of one her worries that are starting to pile up. She swallows before continuing, "when I kissed you, the immediate threat had been neutralized but there is definitely a part of me that idolizes you for finding me and- oh god I'm rambling." she hides her blushing face in her hands to collect herself.
"No, no, it's okay Maura, really it's okay I-" Jane jumps at the chance to speak and tries to convey both her desire for this and explain herself at the same time. She takes a hold of Maura's hands, "It's just that you're my best friend and I'm at my wits end here worrying about you, Ma, Frankie, hell even Korsak, Kiki and Nina aren't safe by association, they could be targeted too and any one of them could be hurt or killed..."
It doesn't escape Maura how the detective emphasizes their relationship as friends and she immediately backs off even harder, not willing to risk what they have already in the prospect of having more, "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't have done that, it won't happen again." she backtracks, hoping this won't affect them going forward.
"No!" Jane panics, running out of ways to initiate this conversation in a positive light, "No no no! Don't- I-" her words break her vocal cords and she can't find anything to replace them fast enough to convey what she wants, and with her brain running wildly in her head to find the fastest way to convey all her thoughts her body takes over and she kisses Maura. She did not think as her fingers had curled behind Maura's neck and the base of her skull, thumb coming to rest by her ear. Not a thought passed through her previously screaming mind in the second she used the advantage to pull Maura up to her lips and demonstrated the intention that would not find its words.
The effect it has surprises her. It tempers her fear and clears her mind for her pull back enough to say, "Don't be, please. I'm sorry," And when Jane opens her eyes it's to find a pair of tears cascading down Maura's dusty cheeks and leaving little clean tracks on her skin. The sight stabs through her and she can't bear to see the pain, closing her eyes, head tilting and lips pressing gently to hers once, twice, three times she releases Maura's lips and her own shaky breath over them, then brushes their noses together affectionately. Jane holds there with their foreheads touching while she reigns in the scratching heat at the back of her throat. She sniffs just once, all the cards on the table now and waits to see what Maura would make of them with closed eyes, praying that she hasn't just made the biggest mistake of her life on the force.
"Jane, please." Is all Maura says, chest tight with all the emotions swirling for attention and trying to rise to the top first. She's at the end of her mental rope of things she can deal with today and possible misinterpretations or in-depth analysis are not tasks she wants to face; she just wants a straightforward answer, needs clarity in its simplest form.
Jane gives it to her, standing up straight and looking directly at Maura when she says, "I'm willing to give this a shot. Whatever, this… is." She adds with more than a little uncertainty, now fiddling with her hands in front of her and waiting with baited breath.
"You… want to give us a shot?" Maura questions, unsure she heard right but unable to stop the little rush of relief and happiness that manages to streak through her despite the intensity of the day she's had. Jane nods, unable to muster the courage to speak the words aloud again. "But Jane, you're a heterosexual woman with no prior engagement or interest in the same sex what's makes you so sure this is something you want?" Denial creeps its way in and strengthens her voice, the last thing she needs right now is to deal with rejection issues and the loss of her best friend in one foul twist of fate.
"I kissed you back?" Jane asks, shoulders unconsciously rising along with the pitch in her voice.
"I… I-" Maura does not know what she wants to say and stops altogether.
"And you kissed me back," Jane defaults to humour, pointing and hoping to ease the tension with some normality as she turns the question back on Maura, "besides, you're a heterosexual woman…" she mimics and waves her hand theatrically with a grin, "with no prior engagement or interest in the same sex, what's makes you so sure this is something you want, huh?"
Maura wants to smile but looks away, and finds herself admitting quietly, "I wouldn't want to take something that pleasurable back." She looks up at Jane again because while she wants to smile at the fact her best friend is trying to keep things normal between them and assure her no matter which way this goes, she'll still stand beside her as always, Maura's longstanding insecurities are not so easily dissuaded. "I have to ask, I have to know so I can protect myself if need be; Are you sure this something you really want?" She started strong but Maura's tone drops back pleadingly, "Please Jane, I couldn't bear it if this doesn't mean as much to you as it does me."
"Half the precinct already thought we were dating," Jane comments but on seeing Maura look away again she realizes that her attempt at being funny is misplaced and if she wants this then she's going to have to face up to her feelings. Immediately. Jane looks down at their hands, both holding their own tightly and rectifying the situation by taking Maura's hands in her scarred ones, "It'll be an adjustment but for you I'd do almost anything."
Maura smiles at that. "I know you would." She whispers, some of the tension easing its way out of her body at a successful resolution to what could have been a damaging act to their friendship, "This won't be easy you know, Harris's partner is still-"
"Shhh," Jane whispers, kissing her knuckles, "the office can wait, what's say I get you home?" she lets go of a hand to rub Maura's shoulder and when she nods her consent, leans in to kiss her cheek and then guides her over to the nurses' station for release forms with an arm around her back.
"I suppose we can get the results delivered or emailed over to us," Maura justifies, self-consciously wiping at her cheeks.
"Hi," Jane calls to one of the nurses typing away at a company computer, in the friendliest tone she can manage, "Can we-"
"Detective Rizzoli?" The smile on Jane's faces wipes off instantly as she leans back to look behind Maura at the uniformed officer standing there.
"Yes?" She growls.
"I was assigned detail to Doctor Isles."
"Well good," Jane waves towards the door and ignores the questioning look on Maura's face as she turns to her, "Then you can take us home." She catches the look that says Maura's about to interrupt and adds in, "I'm not letting you out of my sight."
"Excuse me, she hasn't been released yet," The nurse calls back to the trio and Jane makes a point of looking at her name tag.
"Well, Brenda, tell me where I need to sign to get her released."
"Are you a doctor?"
"No." Jane replies with over emphasis as if it isn't already obvious by the gun and badge attached to her belt, "But she is." She points to Maura who interrupts the nurse's next response.
"Typically, a patient can't sign themselves out of-"
"You're not a patient," Jane argues and then turns back to the nurse, "she willingly volunteered to be taken here for testing, that means she can sign herself out and if that isn't a good enough reason then how about this: I believe her life might be in danger and here is both too open and too vulnerable AND there are too many people here I don't want in the crossfire causing panic if something should happen. That would make both our jobs a lot harder. So how about I take her home and make sure she stays there until we hear back from you about your tests and if something comes up, we'll bring her straight back here?"
"Jeez, no need to be bossy," Brenda mumbles to herself as she refers to her paperwork in front of her but Jane hears her.
"I'm protective." Jane corrects, "This woman has had one hell of a day on a scale you can't even imagine and being here isn't helping."
Brenda is quiet for a moment, debating her options and then says, "Just wait here a minute, I'll refer you to my supervisor."
Jane nods, annoyed but vaguely courteous, "Good, fine. Go do that, we'll wait here." she shifts her stance slightly and her hands habitually return to her belt.
As soon as the nurse is out of sight Maura leans into Jane and whispers so the officer will not hear her, "You're very demanding, are you alright?"
"I won't be if people keep asking me that," she mutters back and then lifts her tone to a more caring one, "I just want to get you home safe."
"I appreciate your support in the matter but I'd be fine to wait here and-" she can't miss the way Jane looks at her with a clear disdain for hospitals and changes her tact, "Going home does sound nice, I could run a bubble bath or…" her eyes shift sideways as she thinks through what she might want to do that night, "just sleep." The word prompts another thought and she looks to Jane again, "When was the last time you slept?"
"Uhh," Jane looks up at the spotted ceiling and tries to remember back through the long string of events in recent memory, "I think I fell asleep on the couch in your office at one point, it doesn't make for a very good bed you know."
"Well of course not, it's not made for sleeping on and with the way you slouch you should really go see a chiropractor, the discs along your sp-"
"I do not slouch."
"You do!" Maura challenges the defiant look on Janes features, finding a little spark of energy with the conversation, "Okay then what would you call the posture you're holding right now."
Jane looks down at herself, Maura's eyes following just a bit slower so the detective is able to catch it and cannot help but smile, "Standing. Waiting. I-"
"Ladies," a man announces his presence standing before them with a piece of printed paper in his hands, but the first thing Jane notices is how neat his black buttoned shirt is for working in a hospital, "the nurse tells me you want to sign Ms. Isles out?"
"Doctor, Isles." Jane corrects slowly, "Yes. I'm taking her home."
"Okay it says here that you came in for tests, we haven't had any results come in yet. Would you mind-"
"Yes, I would mind," Jane butts in, "Do you know who she is?" she asks, pointing to Maura who now just wants this to all go away, "She's Doctor Maura Isles, the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts-"
"-Jane-" Maura tries to quietly interject.
"And if she says she's fine and wants to go home, then I take her home."
"Are you her… partner?" He guesses.
"I'm the cop taking her home with or without your permission." Janes anger returns with the resistance she is encountering in the staff, even knowing they are only trying to cover their own asses so they can't be sued for negligence. She decides it is better to say this than to admit that as of 3 minutes ago, yes, she is Maura's partner, her experience and judgement telling her that revealing that information would only slow the process down.
"Jane." Maura tries again, equally as quiet as the first time but too tired to raise her voice.
"What?" She breaks her stare on the supervisor and turns to her friend who is now tugging on her arm.
With Jane's attention now on her, Maura looks over at the man whom she realizes bares no nametag or an introduction and calmly explains, "We would appreciate it if you email the results of the tests to me personally and if something should come up, I'll come right back in. I assure you, I feel fine." She speaks with a confidence doesn't quite match her current physical appearance.
A tense few seconds pass in which the supervisor delays answering before conceding, "Alright, we'll email you the results. But before you can go I need you to fill out this form with both your details." He points to the two women.
"Of course," Maura responds, stepping in front of Jane and holding her hands out for pen and paper.
Jane is forced to move back and uses the moment to address the officer with them, "You got a squad car?"
"No Ma'am."
"Mm." Jane grunts. She had expected as such since there never seems to be enough squad cars and she pulls out her phone, "I'll get us one." She starts to dial one of the memorised numbers of the precinct.
"My buddy is in the area, I can probably get him to swing by?" He offers.
"Sure," Jane looks up from her phone, "Officer…?"
"Gram."
"Officer Gram," Jane repeats with a small smile and then returns her eyes to her screen, checking for any messages but there are none. She slides the phone back into place on her belt and then looks over Maura's shoulder to see how she's going but Maura slides the paper and pen back before Jane can catch any of the words on it, "That was fast."
"Well it's just a release form saying that I am leaving against their advice and if anything should happen to me that you're my responsible adult and they won't be held accountable in the unlikely event of my death."
"Oh goodie." Jane is deadpan, "Responsibilities." waving in her peripheral vision catches her eye. It is officer Gram telling her that they are ready to leave, "Oh thank God, c'mon let's go." She unconsciously put her hand on Maura's back to guide her as they leave while she checks constantly for any sign of an impending attack.
"The car should be here in a minute," Officer Gram confirms, much more casual about his assignment than Jane would have liked but her paranoia would cover the three of them and then some.
The whole ride home the strung-out detective keeps a lookout, watching every movement outside the windows, each car on the road, all the pedestrians going about their day as normal. A few people stare at the squad car as they go passed but Jane is not expecting a threat from the standard mill of gawkers, she has her eyes out for something more organized and sinister but the ride is smooth and uneventful beyond her calling out directions. When they turn into Maura's street, she turns to look at the doctor and finds her asleep. Jane looks at her with soft eyes and debates attempting to carry her inside, but decides it will be safer for all concerned if she simply wakes the woman.
The car comes to a smooth stop and the officers turn to her expectantly for instructions or a thank you and dismissal, "Protect her at all costs." Jane instructs and quietly opens the door, stepping out of the car and drawing her gun. The officers see her movements and go to follow, opening their doors but Jane turns on them, waving them down, "What did I just say? Stay. Watch her, I got this." she insists roughly. Besides, she does not expect that anyone will actually be in the house but she has to satisfy herself and be certain of it.
Jane recalls her training, peers through the windows before approaching the door, and opens it with the key Maura gave her. She leaves it open, gun in front of her and sweeping the room for intruders or anything out of place but the place is as immaculate as ever. Everything is as it should be, nearest Jane can tell. She is the only one in the room so she moves down the hall to the guest bathroom and softly kicks the door open, checking behind it after clearing the room ahead of her. Jane readjusts her grip on her weapon and backs out to repeat the process for the equally empty laundry. She notes with some surprise that there does not seem to be any sign of washing to be done, nor that any have ever been done with how spotless every surface is.
However, the cleanliness of Maura's house is not what she came to investigate so once more the concerned detective backs out and does a quick check of the guest bedroom, producing the same results.
This time as Jane heads out, she goes for the stairs. She takes them one at a time, eyes flicking between each step as she takes it and what she can see of the landing above her, lest someone try to ambush her. Jane starts with the left side, checking the meditation room and going so far as to check each of the cupboards, opening them one by one and steadfastly ignoring the little voice in her head trying to tell her that she is paranoid because no one would be able to fit between all the items stuffed into them. She walks quietly over the carpeted floor to the guest bedroom, pushing the door open and peering inside, noticing the sweat from her palms when her hand moves back to her gun. As ever the room is neat and devoid of life beyond herself.
Jane takes a deep breath and tries to shake off her nerves, poking her head (and gun) into the dedicated shoe closet in the hallway. One room left. She had been into Maura's room a few times before, but never had she felt like an intruder until this point. Something about walking into Maura's bedroom without her knowledge, permission, or her being there felt oddly intrusive but regardless she had to finish her sweep. Raising her service weapon one more time she approaches the closed door, standing against the wall and silently opening the door, cracking it open she looks quickly into the room and then pulls back, much like she did earlier in the tunnels. In the snapshot glance she'd taken of the room it appeared empty. Jane steps out into the doorway, her whole body moving with her as she checks the room left and right, noticing that Maura's bed is unmade, the sheets pulled out and ruffled, suggesting the doctor didn't have time to fix them before rushing into work unexpectedly.
Turning around to the walk in wardrobe, she checks that too and the thought strikes her that its dimensions may rival the bedroom it is supposed to accompany.
Jane refocuses her attention on the ensuite door, the door is ajar and the light is on. She swallows her fear, comforted in knowing she's armed and it only takes her two strides to reach the door, peering in from beside the doorway so her reflection can't be seen to anyone inside.
One… two… three!
Jane counts herself off as she would with a team and on three, bursts through the door, quickly checking left and right but the bathroom is empty. She sighs in relief, her body relaxing with the motion and she looks around again, taking note of the towel on the floor. Jane picks it up and hangs it on the bar it's supposed to dry on but as she turns to leave, Jane catches her reflection. She's tired, that much is clear, it's written all over her face but she doesn't want to study herself. Turning the light off and leaving the door open, Jane exits and picks up her pace now that she's confident the house is safe.
It's not until she reaches the front door again that she remembers to holster her weapon. An incessant throb begins in the back of her head and she rubs her neck as though it will alleviate her constant stress and erase the week from her memory. Jane approaches the officers that stand guard around the vehicle with their holsters unbuttoned and hands ready, "House is clear, you can go." She dismisses them and rounds the trunk to Maura's door, opening it and crouching down, "Maura." she calls softly, putting a hand on her forearm. Maura jolts up with a gasp and lashes out at the contact but Jane deflects her attack, having anticipated this could be a possible reaction, "It's okay, you're safe. It's just me."
"Jane." Maura says as though trying to convince herself that is indeed the detective before her, "Sorry." Her shoulders drop, letting her guard down and she accepts the hand that Jane offers to her, pulling herself out of the car.
"We're here," Jane tells her and Maura looks up to her house, "It's safe, there's no one inside, I checked just to make sure."
"Thank you." She responds, walking with Jane inside and trying to be subtle in doing her own check.
Jane shuts the door and locks it, observing the officers through the window as they pull out of the driveway, but remain in front of the house. She decides not to tell Maura they are there, but quietly she is glad that they will be staying.
"Jane?" Maura calls with uncertainty clouding her voice.
"Yeah?" She turns back to Maura her eyes searching for the woman who has moved to stand in her kitchen and now stares at her. It is obvious in her rigid stance that something is weighing on her mind, "What's wrong?"
"Will you stay?"
Jane moves to close the distance between them but stops when she reaches the island, resting her hands on its cold marble surface, "Of course. I'm not letting you leave my sight." she watches her words take effect as Maura releases a shaky breath and seems to deflate an inch in height with it, nodding to herself.
"Good, good… Thank you." She adds as an afterthought and moves around the island to be closer to Jane, "I don't want to be alone tonight."
Jane accepts the hug she sees coming her way, not normally one for a lot of physical affection but understanding that Maura needs it and willing to accommodate. "You couldn't get rid of me even if you wanted me to leave." She assures, pulling the exhausted woman into her and using her height advantage to rest her chin atop her head. A moment of peaceful of nothingness passes between them, both lost in their own thoughts but Jane struggles for words to say. Without the weight of Maura's expectant and analysing eyes on her she quietly admits, "I don't want to be alone either."
When Maura looks up at her she expects her to let go but she does not, silently looking over each of her facial features and trying to read into the words and their possible meanings. Jane imagines she is asking herself; is she talking about living with me? Admitting her feelings for me? Is she confessing intentions to commit to…
Jane stopped trying to guess what was going around in Maura's head, "What are you thinking about?" she finally asks, loosening her hold slowly and putting a steps space between them, noticing how Maura looks for something to distract herself with but there's nothing in reach besides Jane.
Maura swallows visibly and licks her lips nervously, her tongue passing over the cut and reminding her again of the day she's trying so hard to put behind her, "You," she answers simply although her own thoughts are anything but, "I can't lie, you know that, I-" she pauses to gather her confused thoughts, "I've thought about this a lot, thought about us, a lot, and now we're here. I thought we never would be but here we are, and I've thought about what I would say or do, what you might say and… I'm so tired I can't think."
"It's okay."
Rationalisation steps in and Maura once again tries to distance herself from both the trauma and Jane. "It's possible that I'm experiencing an acute stress reaction, it's not uncommon in a traumatic event for a person to experience a strong emotional response, or dissociation," She looks down at her hands suddenly, flexing her fingers as though testing she can feel them and they're all there. Her voice drops to a whisper as her thought process takes a turn on the word 'disassociation', "This can't be real," Maura curls her fingers into fists, pressing her manicured nails into the flesh of her palm to feel them sting with pain, "You wouldn't- No, you don't, you-"
"Maura it's okay," Jane tries to reassure her before she can think herself into a full-blown panic attack. She takes hold of her shoulders and lowers herself to see into Maura's eyes, "We'll get through this okay? We'll work it all out. You're smart, and you're strong, you'll get passed this, alright?" Maura nods but Jane isn't convinced, "I'm gonna stay here tonight, I'll watch over you. No one is going to come near you or hurt you if I have anything to say about it alright? They'll have to step over my dead body before they can touch you and I have no intentions of dying." Jane voice is strong with intent but she cannot bring herself to say 'I promise', the weight of her failure glaring up at her in the form of Maura's watery eyes, shattered confidence, and anxiety. It reminds Jane that she has not escaped unscathed either and the conviction she held earlier is suspiciously missing, "Maura I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. I knew the threat wasn't directed me but I thought it was about Ma, I came here looking for her but it was you they were after and I should have known, I should have had someone looking for you as well."
Maura shakes her head, unable to see fault with Jane's actions or thought process, "You were right to go after your mother, I can protect myself- I should have protected myself. I've taken classes and steps to prevent this kind of this happening but in the end I was powerless-"
"You are not powerless." Jane interrupts, and searches for a tissue box when the dam finally breaks and Maura lets the tears she has been holding back go. She finds a box halfway down the island and reaches over, pulling it back with her and holding it out to Maura. "You're amazing, and… incredible, and I don't doubt for a second that you fought as hard as you could."
"It wasn't enough." Maura murmurs, wiping carefully at her eyes and realising it would be better if she removed her makeup entirely.
"It was though, we followed your trail and we found you. You did an amazing job leaving us clues like writing 'tunnel' in the dust on the radiator and the blood at the fake crime scene, you're a genius Maura."
Maura deflects the compliment, "It only takes a hundred and fifty IQ points to be classified as a genius but IQ isn't-"
"You say that like it's nothing, not just anyone has that kind of ability but that's not the point. You did everything you could and it was enough, you're always enough Maur, and I will always find you. Okay? Always."
"What if next time you don't find me in time Jane?"
"Who says there is going to be a next time? I'm not letting you out of my sight until this prick is either dead or in supermax!"
"That's impractical, you can't do your job or do anything if you're looking at me the whole time and eventually you'll have to look away or at least sleep."
"Then I'll hire a bodyguard for you."
"I don't think you can afford that with your salary-"
"Maura," Jane whines, slumping forward and letting her arms hang limply in exasperation. Maura ceases verbalising her thoughts, instantly shutting down again and retreating inwardly. Jane straightens once more in her silence. "I'm not going to let there be a 'next time' because I'm going to catch this guy, they're gonna tell us what the hell I did to piss them off so much and then I'm going to throw their ass in jail where they can't see the light of day or hurt anyone ever again, and you and I are gonna skip off into the sunset with margaritas with little twirly umbrellas." Jane punctuates her sentence by swinging her arm in an upwards curve, hoping Maura will launch into a scientific explanation as to why little pink umbrellas help boost sales, or the history of alcohol, or prohibition, or perhaps the psychology behind the different drinks people of various archetypes like to consume. But Maura says nothing, staring down at the tissue she keeps folding in her hands. Her silence worries Jane and she tries to draw her back out, "Hey um, how about you go take a shower or I can run you a bath? Something to relax you and put this day behind you huh? This won't last forever."
"I just want this to all be over." Maura replies dejectedly.
"I know, me too but let's start by finding you something more comfortable to wear, do you have anything that doesn't cost more than I make a week?"
"Of course, I have very few items that cost that much Jane, I am practical when it comes to money management."
"Alright, well…" Jane gestures to the stairs and lets Maura take the lead, following behind and rubbing the back of her neck as she tries to figure out exactly what she is doing, that throb persisting. She notices Maura check every room they pass, "There's no one else here."
Maura nods, distracting herself with the state of her clothes, "I'll have to send these for dry cleaning." she notes.
"Is there anything you don't send to dry cleaning? Does the laundry ever get used?" Jane asks, Maura's comment reminding her of the state of the room in question below them.
"Yes. I do the linens in house but I prefer my outfits to be cleaned professionally and with more precise care than I have the time or space to achieve on my own."
They arrive at Maura's room and she enters without hesitation.
"Will you be alright to…?" Jane gestures to the bathroom, rubbing her neck yet again in a nervous gesture; unsure of what it is she is proposing to do with her line of questioning.
Maura looks back at her with a scathing view, "Of course Jane, I'm not an invalid. Why wouldn't I be fine?"
Jane backtracks both physically and conversationally, taking a step back, "I'm just making sure you don't want me to check for any monster or kidnappers or… something. I'll just wait downstairs." she finishes hurriedly, moving towards the door before the sentence has finished.
Maura reaches out again to stop her, "No, wait, Jane. I didn't mean to imply that I wanted you to leave, in fact I would feel safer if I knew you were close by, I just…" she trails off in her words, wrangling with her thoughts and new fears.
Jane nods slowly when Maura's sentence does not pick back up, "Okay, yeah, I'll be right here." She takes a seat on the corner of the bed, sitting tall and straight as though she is on guard duty.
"Thank you." Maura whispers, turning to find the hangers on which her clothes belonged, ignoring Jane's eyes on her as she moves towards the bathroom and closes the door behind her.
Jane sags, unable to maintain the posture with the weight of the day on her shoulders and she pulls out her hair tie, letting her curls fall freely at first and then running her hands through the tangled mass. She looks down at her hands, almost surprised to see they aren't shaking and she opens them to look at her palms. The faded pink scars stare back at her, a forever reminder of Charles Hoyt.
More scars. Mine physical, hers mental, but how deep do her scars go? I haven't seen her this shaken up since… Ever. She's been through so much in her life but it's hard move on when there is no reason behind the attack. How much more can she handle before she crosses a one-way bridge and we never see Maura as we know her again?
Jane stares at her scars. Maura had been there for her then, as had Korsak when he found her terrified, bleeding, almost screaming and staked. Maua had stuck by her through the years of traumas, trials, long cases and variable moods, putting up with her impatience, impulsive ideas and often reckless endangerments. Jane knew that she would return that loyalty in the weeks to come, vowing to be as a good a friend to Maura as she had been to her, but what she did not know was how to help her heal. It had been years now since she had killed Hoyt and put an end to the scars he'd give her, they'd healed with time and she's learned to accept the scars her body bears.
Time heals all. Jane remembers hearing it said to her many times but amends; Well, most. Some things can never fully heal, leaving behind residual marks, impairments or imperfections. Scars. Jane wonders what Maura's scars will look like.