"Miss Standish. I am afraid I must regretfully inform you your grandmother Jessica Standish passed away a few hours ago."
"What?" Ellie stuttered into the phone, trying to focus on the conversation and at the same time almost certain she was simply having a nightmare. "What do you mean passed away? She was getting better. She was coming home soon."
"I am sorry Miss Standish, I realise this has come as a terrible shock. Your grandmother suffered a heart attack in the night and we were unable to revive her."
"Unable.. I don't understand. She was getting better. She was coming home." Ellie was repeating herself in her desperate attempts to get her mind to come to grips with the information she had just received. Her gran couldn't be dead, she couldn't be gone.
"I am so sorry Miss Standish. Please come to the hospital at your earliest convenience. Goodbye."
Ellie's whispered 'goodbye' was probably never heard by the other person. They had already hung up. The phone slid out of her hand and fell to the floor. She just sat staring disbelieving into space. Her face a picture of shock, her mind filled with only two words.
Gran – Dead.
With a heart wrenching sob she slid from her bed to join her phone on the floor. Wrapping her shaking arms around her raised knees and hugging herself fiercely as though fearing she would be ripped apart by the strength of the heartbreak she felt. Tears streaming from her eyes unchecked she rocked herself back and forth while keening her mournful wail heavenward.
How long she stayed like that Ellie couldn't tell, but eventually the tears lessened and the cold and stiff condition of her body brought her back to some form of self-awareness. Rising carefully her joints creaking in protest at having to move after being stationery for so long. A cold numbness had settled over her as she mechanically made some coffee and stared blankly out of the window onto the garden, the garden her gran loved. That set off another round of tears until she just sat staring blankly at the wall.
The sun began to blaze through the kitchen window Ellie could feel it's burning warmth on her back, she could see her shadow cast large across the room. Outside she could hear birds chirping merrily to one another completely oblivious to the tragedy that had unfolded just mere feet away. This began to make her angry.
"How dare the sun shine today! How dare the birds sing!"
Fury burned within her threatening to erupt like the lava from a volcano. Her hand began to tremble, scrunching her eyes tight shut she began to fume quietly.
The smash of her mug hitting the wall brought her back to her senses with a jolt. Reality began to dawn on her. She couldn't just sit there and feel sorry for herself, there were things she needed to do. The sudden realisation that her gran would be disappointed she was falling apart hit her like a ton of bricks, knocking her breathless. Leaving her doubled over gulping air into her lungs, great sobbing wails coming from her. She had no idea how she was going to get through this alone. Struggling to regain some form of composure Ellie made herself another drink and forced herself to drink it. She made herself run through conversations she had had with her grandmother in her mind, when they had discussed funeral wants and no no's. For instance Ellie knew without doubt that flowers were out. Plants were in. Her gran had mentioned a 'living arrangement'.
"I want to be the only dead thing in the room." She had tartly said one time.
Drying her tears and breathing deeply in an effort to pull herself together she decided that she might as well get on with it. Ellie dug out the number of the funeral directors who had dealt with her granddads ceremony and called it. That phone call brought on a fresh bout of tears but she got through it and felt better about herself for at least starting the process. All she had to do now was get herself dressed and presentable and go to the hospital, and that was going to be hard.
The visit to the hospital had been just as bad as she anticipated. What with the paperwork that needed signing, collecting her grans belongings and trying to track down a necklace that had gone missing. It was an silver and amethyst teardrop shaped pendant that she had bought in Malta the same time she met Ellie's grandfather. Jessica rarely took it off. It was found eventually under the bed, the chain was snapped. This made Ellie weep anew. The thought that her gran had been thrashing around enough to do that was deeply upsetting to her, as was the knowledge that no one had noticed. She wanted to rage against the hospital, insist on investigations, she wanted someone to blame and yet she knew deep down no one was.
Some of the nurses were visibly upset, as were the doctors. That didn't help Ellie trying to keep it together. She caught a glimpse of her refection in the windows of the doctor's office. Her hair was greasy, dragged back into a pony tail. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, nose red and swollen, pale almost grey pallor, she looked ill and like she had been dragged through a hedge backwards but couldn't care less. She knew her gran would give her hell for not making an effort but again on this occasion she wasn't bothered.
No one could explain what had happened other than a sudden turn for the worse. The preliminary investigations showed nothing, no negligence, nothing suspicious, nothing. In the end her doctor stated simply.
"She was fairly old. The elderly can quickly take ill and when they do it is often serious."
She was old. That thought churned around in Ellie's head for days after. It was no excuse. Yes she was old but she had always been healthy, she was getting better. With no one to blame her fury at the injustice of her gran being taken from her turned inwards. Unable to find an outlet Ellie let it smoulder away inside, never letting it show how angry she really was, how hurt and devastated. Her fury at any happiness in others often left her unable to speak in fear of an outburst she would regret. Even her grandmother herself was not except from Ellie's fury. She raged against her in the quiet of the night, demanding answers that would never come, expecting an apology or a reason.
'How could you die? How could you leave me?'
And even as she raged she knew it was unfair. Her gran would never have chosen to leave her.
The next few days were spent with calls and visits to lawyers, florists and friends. It kept her busy but did nothing to ease the ache inside her, or to dampen the feelings of utter loneliness and devastation she frequently felt. Friends turned out in droves to help, they came with food and words of comfort. Or just with cards of sympathy and company, to stop her dwelling on her loss. They also came to attend the funeral. It turned out to be a huge affair that her grandmother would have loved. Jessica had always enjoyed being the centre of attention. Many from the hospital attended, even her grans old publishers in New York sent a representative. There were so many people there Ellie couldn't possibly know them all, but it warmed her heart to know her gran had been so well loved and in the end it did help to thaw a little of the recently formed ice around it.
Eventually as time passed, the days turned into weeks which turned into months, a sense of acceptance gradually crept its way stealthily into Ellie's being. Christmas had come and gone with barely a ripple of acknowledgement on her part. The New Year had been welcomed in with anger and frustration. And yet as winter thawed into spring the sorrow, which at times had been almost crippling in its intensity, lessened. With new life springing up all around her Ellie could not help but begin to see joy in some things again. She no longer flinched away from happy memories but embraced them; she stopped raging at the loneliness and grief but dealt with it. She caught herself smiling and even laughing on occasion without the accompanied guilt she had forced upon herself. She even found she could remember happy times again with wistful fondness and allowed herself to look with anticipation to what the future may now hold for her again.
The future. There was a question in itself. Ellie had no idea what she was going to do with herself now. She had spent the last few months just going through the motions of trying to exist. She had thrown herself into the bookshop and almost steadfastly ignored the house. The garden of which her grandmother had been so proud was now overgrown and disorganised, the house dusty and untidy with several rooms never entered these days.
One day however as the spring sunshine warmed the earth Ellie took her coffee outside for the first time since her grans passing. It used to be her favourite thing to do, watching the garden thrive with activity as she mentally prepared herself for the coming day and ran through her 'to do' list. Looking around at the weeds drowning the delicate spring flowers and the grass long and straggly after months of neglect she sighed, knowing it was all her fault and also knowing it was too much for her to handle herself she berated herself for having been so weak. She had allowed things to get on top of her, she had allowed herself to stop caring and worst of all she had allowed herself to stop living. But this morning everything felt so fresh and new, so bright and happy that Eleyne just knew she could start to move forward, to put the past months behind her and look to her future as her grandmother would have wanted. Smiling up to the sky she sent a silent vow to the heavens. Clichéd as it was today was the first day of the rest of her live and she promised her grandmother and herself that she was going to live it to its fullest.
Going back inside she called Jenny and told her she wouldn't be in for the next few days, then firing up her laptop she searched for local gardeners. With that sorted she rolled up her sleeves both physically and metaphorically and started on the rooms she had left closed. While she cleaned, washed and polished she remembered. Every item she touched brought back another memory, most happy but some sad and Ellie embraced them all. The act of cleaning in its self was amazingly cathartic and as the day wore on she found her heavy heart becoming lighter and lighter. By the end of the day she was exhausted but happy. There were boxes of things ready to be stored in the attic. The whole place had a clean, fresh feeling throughout. She had decided to re-decorate a few rooms and was going to update the furniture as well. Phone calls had been made to a sale room to collect some of the larger items and a decorator was coming in the morning to discuss colours and give her a quote. There was only one room left, her grandmother's bedroom. She would tackle that tomorrow and hopefully exorcise her last remaining demons.
Going out first thing the next morning Ellie returned with arms laden with flowers. She filled vases and jugs in almost every room allowing the sweet scents to pervade the house with a welcoming perfume. The painters visit had been brief but productive, he was starting next week the whole house was going to get a re-fresh in bright cheerful colours. The saleroom was collecting on Monday so she was going shopping the next day, Ellie hoped that by the end of next week the house would feel like a new home to her. Heading up the stairs she paused momentarily in front of the photograph of her with both her mother and grandmother. It was taken the day she came home from the hospital as a baby. They were smiling down and infant Ellie with looks of adoration on their faces. They had been completely unaware Bill was taking the picture. It was a beautiful candid moment and it made her smile. She hoped her gran would understand her motivations behind her sudden drive to rejuvenate and change. She wasn't trying to remove her gran from the house but trying to make it her own. She wanted to move forward positively without being faced with the past at every turn. She wanted to be able to live in the house as happily as she once had and felt that this was the best way for her to do that. Deep down she knew Jessica would have understood.
Taking a deep breath she turned away from the picture toward the door. Stealing herself mentally she opened the door and entered her grans bedroom for the first time since her death. She wandered slowly around the room, opening the windows and letting in the light. She gently ran her fingers over the knick-knacks and trinkets that covered almost every available surface. Each held a fond memory for her grandmother and Ellie knew the stories behind each and every one. Jessica had loved clutter; she adored being surrounded by her past. Ellie preferred order, she liked to remember but wanted to look forward, nothing however would be thrown away. With great care she dusted and reverently packed away the majority of the items. Her personal favourites were going to her room or downstairs. The clothes were bagged up to send to charity and the jewellery was moved into Ellie's room as well. While the majority of it wasn't to her personal taste she couldn't bring herself to part with any or to pack it away so for now it was hers.
As she reached the end of her allotted task Ellie found a large box at the back of the wardrobe under a pile of clothes. Dragging it out with difficulty she knelt of the floor to open it. Inside was a treasure trove, at least in her eyes. The box contained diaries that covered almost her grans entire life. Thumbing through the top one it was from two years ago. Ellie remembered that there had been a diary amongst her grans things that she got back from the hospital. That was on a bookshelf downstairs. But this box held all of the years prior. It would be a great base to start her book from. With a shriek of delight Ellie realised she had decided what she was going to do. She was going to write the book she had always dreamed of writing. She was going to put her grans life story to paper for the world to read.
With giddy anticipation she finished cleaning the room and dragged the bags and boxes out to be dealt with tomorrow. Hauling the box of diaries downstairs she grabbed some food and a note book and settled at the table to start.
She quickly skipped through the years she knew about, but was saddened to find her gran had thought about her father a lot more than she let on. She was amazed by the strength of emotion expressed at her mother's passing. Gran had truly loved Sarah. While Ellie had always know that fact she was surprised to read just how much. The hours passed quickly and eventually she fell asleep where she sat with a pen still clutched tightly in her grasp.
She was woken the next morning to the sound of birds singing outside and the feel of the sun warming her face. All plans of shopping were quickly forgotten as she looked down at the mountain of notes she had written and the pile of diaries she had read. No shopping could wait till tomorrow, this was far more important. Rushing to shower and get herself some caffeine she began reading where she had left off. By late morning she had reached the point where her eyes were starting to cross from tiredness and the words were blurring into one another. Taking a break for lunch she decided that rushing this was not a good idea. If she was to do her gran justice she needed to be methodical and thorough so she decided to go furniture shopping and call in at the book shop after all.
The rest of her day was very productive. She had agreed with Jenny that she would reduce the number of days she was in the shop to two. This would allow her the time to work on her book and give someone else a part time job. The furniture she bought was modern and comfortable and Ellie was looking forward to seeing it in the house. She felt it would give the place the lift she needed. She was determined to put her own stamp on the place. It was to be her home and her family's home, she hoped, for the foreseeable future so she needed to get it right. She was looking to the future with hopeful eyes and for the first time didn't feel guilty about it.
After getting home and eating some food. She decided to put the boxes in the attic. It made her sad as well as relieved. Sad because she felt disloyal, like she was packing her gran up and locking her away. And relieved because she knew it was what needed to happen to allow her to move forward. It helped her enormously to remember that it was exactly what her gran did when granddad died. She packed up his things and stored them away, moving forward but never forgetting.
Their attic was like an Aladdin's cave of memories. Everywhere she looked were boxes of children toys, books and photographs. There were pictures stacked against one wall, old computers and DVD players as well as stacks of DVD's and CD's. Then there were other boxes labelled, Bill, Sarah and John, her father. Now there were Jessica boxes, but there were already Jessica boxes up there. Unable to resist temptation she stacked the boxes she had brought up and sitting on the floor pulled the first box towards her.
Inside this one were clothes, books and photo albums, namely things she had used at Uni. The clothes were teeny tiny skirts and tight tops. The photos were what looked like a series of drunken nights in various night clubs. Her gran looked vivacious and happy. It made Ellie blush thinking of her gran wearing those clothes but then again she never knew her gran as a young woman. It also made her smile, she had always known her gran had lived life to the fullest, but it surprised her to realise that she only thought of her gran as middle-aged when she quite clearly had been young once. She had never seen her as old though. In another box were more books and A4 files filled with her university work. Ellie was tempted to look through it but stopped. She had time.
The last box was filled with her grandmothers high school yearbooks, exercise books and of course photo's. There were loads of her at high school with a bunch of kids. On the back of one was written: 'Mike, Angela, Eric, Ben, Lauren, Tyler me and Bella.'
"So one of you girls is Bella." Ellie mused to herself. She recognised her gran but as she had boys next to her on both sides she couldn't tell which one was Bella. For a long time Ellie started at the photo trying to guess who was who. Her gran never told her what Bella looked like and never described any of the others. After a time she put it aside and looked through the remaining ones. Prom with Mike apparently. One of Angela and Ben so she could rule out that girl as Bella. Then she found some of her gran's graduation. There were no names on these just pictures. Ellie flicked through them with a smile but the last one stopped her. Her blood ran cold, her heart began to pound and her hand started to shake.
"No, it can't be." Ellie looked around her in panic, a cold trickle of terror ran down her spine as she could hardly believe her eyes. It couldn't be true and yet there it was in colour. There in the corner of the very last picture was the smiling, handsome face of Dr Carlisle Hale.