The Davy Jones Times, Issue 2

"All the news you need to hear"

Captain Hector Barbossa's Circus Fantastica Coming to Port Royal

By Jack the Monkey

Captain Barbossa's traveling circus, Circus Fantastica, is coming to Port Royal next week. There are to be "a grand number of mind-blowing attractions," as Captain Barbossa assured us yesterday. Tickets are on sale in Port Royal and Tortuga.

Strange "Alien Creatures" Arrive in Port Royal

By Tia Dalma

On Friday, "strange aliens" arrived in Port Royal. They assured us that they were peaceful, but their attire and accessories seemed to prove otherwise, as one of them announced that they would injure the two soldiers, Murtogg and Mullroy, who led them to the prison. The individual in question appeared to be slightly insane. They gave their names as:

Norra Wexley, middle-aged female

Temmin Wexley, around 20 years, male

Mister Bones, violent, we're not sure

Sinjir Rath Velus, middle-aged male

Jas Emari, around 30 years, female, alien?

Jom Barell, around 30 years, male

Stay tuned for more information regarding these new arrivals.

ASK JACK

Dear Jack Sparrow,

I am hopelessly in love with a girl, and she finally noticed me. Now she says she is in love with someone else. What should I do?

~ Unloved

Dear Unloved,

Don't worry too much about it. You can't dictate who loves you and who doesn't. Besides, I'm sure you'll find someone else who will love you back. Good luck finding the woman of your dreams.

~ Jack

Dear Jack,

My father wants me to be a baker like him. The problem is… well, I want to be a pirate. What should I do?

~ Confused

Dear Confused,

Parents are great. Except when they're not. My advice to you is to follow your dream. Become a pirate. (Spoiler - it's a lot more fun than being a baker. Unless you like bread. If you like bread, go be a baker.) You're welcome to see me aboard the Pearl to inquire about enlisting. Good luck!

~ Jack

William and Elizabeth Turner Open Restaurant in Tortuga

By Captain Sao Feng and Joshamee Gibbs

Mr. William Turner and Mrs. Elizabeth Turner opened their new restaurant in Tortuga last Friday. The restaurant, The Flaming Enchilada, was "not a new idea," said Will, who enjoys cooking, enchiladas, and flaming things. "I've been wanting to open a restaurant for a while, and this was the perfect opportunity." Elizabeth added that "The Flaming Enchilada will serve a variety of quality, delicious food at family-friendly prices. We're excited that our dream is becoming a reality." We tasted the crepe-suzettes to see how they were, since the restaurant is called The Flaming Enchilada and flaming things are good. The crepes did not disappoint. They were light, fluffy, delicious, and quite flaming. All the food was very reasonably priced. Also, on Fridays, dessert is free. The formal review is included on the following page.

Do you want to join a pirate crew?

Captain Davy Jones is hiring members to crew his ship, The Flying Dutchman. Apply in Tortuga for a position. Limited spots - don't wait!

Chefs Needed!

William and Elizabeth Turner are hiring chefs to work at their restaurant, The Flaming Enchilada. Apply in Tortuga for a position.

Must be willing to set things on fire. Only four spots are available, so sign up for an interview now.

Consumed and Reviewed By The Davy Jones Times

By Captain Sao Feng and Joshamee Gibbs

Location: The Flaming Enchilada, Tortuga

Owners: Mr. William Turner, Mrs. Elizabeth Turner

Food Tested:

— Fried fish bites

— Sauce was fantastic

— Fish flavor was not overpowering

Chinese dumplings

— Authentic Chinese flavor

— Advertised as "The Taste of Home," which is quite accurate as they taste like traditional Chinese food.

Chicken noodle soup

— Noodles were delicious

— Broth had a variety of delicious spices

Enchiladas

— Sauce was not too heavily applied

— The variety of salsas provided were quite complimentary to the enchiladas

Crepe-suzettes

— Light and fluffy

— Fantastically flaming

HELP WANTED

The new East India Trading Company store needs employees. If you believe you have a future in the retail business, contact our manager, Lord Beckett, at 2343 Bad Guy (it's French and it means "good man") Drive, Port Royal.

Competition for the Black Pearl

By James Norrington

Recently the two Royal Navy soldiers known as Murtogg and Mullroy decided to start a pirate crew. They hollered, "Pirates have all the fun!" as they jumped onto a small, waterlogged rowboat with the words "the Gray Goste" painted on it. It was noted by Captain Jack Sparrow that they aren't very good spellers. They were noticed by Captain Jack, who told them that if they wanted to be pirates, they could make a bet with him. The bet was simple: if the two soldiers and a crew they got together could beat the captain and his crew at a game of Jack's choosing, then they would win the Pearl. The soldiers agreed. Elizabeth Turner said that the game to decide the fate of the Pearl should be volleyball - with all players wearing corsets and dresses. Murtogg and Mullroy agreed, this time rather reluctantly. A few days later, the teams set up their net on the beach in Tortuga. Needless to say, Captain Jack and his crew beat the soldiers twenty-one to zero. According to Mr. Turner, who led his team to victory, "Elizabeth taught me how to play volleyball a while ago. I wasn't very good at it, really. I think one of the most memorable games was when I was serving and I hit the ball really hard. It hit Davy Jones himself, who was a few [nautical] miles away, right on the head, and he fell over shouting curses. Jack, Elizabeth, and I collapsed on the deck of the Pearl laughing. Gibbs or Marty or somebody came up, took one look at us, and went below to escape the madness that was our volleyball game. I've been working on it, and even Jack told me that I was 'pretty good, for a kid.' I felt very accomplished and I've been beating other people ever since." Soldiers Murtogg and Mullroy are in the stocks with the charge of desertion in the main square until next Friday.

Want to work for The Davy Jones Times? Visit our office in Port Royal to apply.

A/N: Virtual enchiladas to anyone who recognized the 'alien creatures' (from Star Wars: Aftermath by Chuck Wendig) and the 'Bad Guy' reference from Muppets Most Wanted. Please review!