My life as it stands is a good one, and I won't begin to try and convince anyone otherwise. No matter the problems that I have, I know that I'm living a lot happier and a lot better than quite a few people out there.
Life, that's the real problem though. It has this uncanny way, this harsh reminder that no matter how great you are, or how great things seem that it is all going to crash down around you. It knows how to remind you that no matter how big and bad you think you are it is always better. And even if you don't want to believe in fate, destiny, a higher power—whatever you want to call it—it knows how to knock all the wind out of you to remind you that even though you feel in control; even though you feel like you are the one and only person dictating your life it's simply a cruel joke that life plays on you to make you feel safe--- for the time being.
That's how I feel now. It's the feeling that I haven't been able to shake since I had my run in with Madison. I was safe and comfortable in my relationship with her. I had her to call when I was down and out, she was there to comfort me until I was asleep, then she would go back to John, to her husband. And as much as I would open my eyes hoping for her small body to be next to mine, I took comfort in knowing the drill. I knew where I stood with the two of them.
Two weeks ago I knew exactly who I was, where I stood with my best friends, I had a handle on my life. That was of course until I walked into the Cena household; until I talked to Maddie, and I heard my Maddie tell me that she loves me. My Maddie, it may sound possessive and controlling but it's how I feel about her. She may not truly be mine the way that I want her to be, but I don't know how else to feel.
Even now as I watch John wrap his arms around his wife who he probably hasn't seen in a little over a week, I can only think of her as mine. I can only see her lips on mine, and her arms wrapped around my neck, declaring her just as possessive of me as I am of her. I don't know how to feel any other way but this. This jealousy that is building in me, causing me to nearly growl from the very pit of my stomach, it is so overwhelming that it scares me.
I have only been this upset over one other woman and I haven't seen or heard from her in over a year. And my darling Madison was the one that helped me get through it all. One look into her great big green eyes or hearing her whisper something to me in French. That soft sweet accent that she took from her mother; it has always been enough to floor me. And I have to look away as she and John share a long kiss almost as much as I need to watch it transpire.
This woman fifteen feet away from me is not mine to have, I know that. At least I think I know that, on some level, somewhere deep inside of my body that is now screaming at me to jump on John and tear him limb from limb.
Even through my unwarranted fit of jealousy I see Madison break free of John's lips and give me a warm smile. Oh that smile that I have lived for, for the last two years. I don't think I could be any happier than I am now, knowing that she still can smile at me. That even though two weeks ago I told her that I would stay away from her she can still make me feel safe and protected is something that is above and beyond priceless to me.
I can't help but strike my infamous pose and smirk at her which will probably always make her laugh. She always says it's because she knows that I'm not so bad off screen than I am on. She always had the highest of faith in me. To not get too cocky, to not get too full of myself no matter how many girls I have screaming around me. And honestly she has always been a big part of the reason that I haven't gotten such a big head, any time that I was close to it she always deflated it far too quick. Just one more reason that I can't get enough of this woman.
Another reason why I can't seem to stop my legs from moving towards the happy couple and standing around like a complete idiot until they decide to include me in their conversations. Simply standing there waiting rocking on my heels until they are done trading smiles and "I love you's" through small kisses.
"Look who decided to join me on the road," John finally turns his head to me with a big grin. He's smiling like a little school boy who finally started summer vacation and I can't blame him. I vowed to give this woman the space she needed and I'm lighting up from the fact that she's here.
"How are you Maddie?" I barely recognize my own voice. It's so soft and filled with concern. Concern that I'm truly feeling for this little woman standing in front of me. I'm so used to being able to call her or message her whenever I feel that I find myself worrying all the time about her. If she's really doing alright when she's alone after John has broken yet another promise to make it home when he can't. If she isn't having a hard time dealing with the worry of if John is cheating when he begins to miss their daily phone calls.
I release a breath that I haven't even realized that I was holding in when she gives me a small nod and answers me. "I'm good, really good. How are you Randall? Staying out of trouble?"
I laugh and nod. Things may not be as easy and playful as they once were but at least I can see this woman without breaking out in tears. At least that is what I'm telling myself as we exchange goodbyes and I watch her walk away with John.
My heart is nearly beating out of my chest and I'm nearly dying for one more kiss. One more dip into that wonderful world of bliss her lips bring me to anytime I touch them. I have to hear her tell me one more that she loves me. That no matter how things may have gone between us that she has loved me the best that she knew how. I need to talk to her. I need her to be mine at least once.
John is my best friend and I love him as my own family. And the only thing that is stopping me from acting on every instinct that is inside of me right now is the loyalty that I have for him. John and I have never fought over a woman before and I don't ever want it to happen.
Even though I don't want to feel this way about Madison, or think about taking her to my bed and trying my hardest to show her that I am most definitely the right lover for her, I can't stop thinking about it. It's the only thing that is on my mind. The only thought that can seem to make it longer than a few seconds in my brain that has suddenly become scattered and unable to focus on anything but the images that I am conjuring up of Madison.
The hard pounding on the hotel door finally pulls me out of my sinful thoughts about my best friend's wife. And the shock on my face as I open the door must be evident by the smile playing on her lips. As if my thoughts had conjured her up, Madison stands in front me as gorgeous and scintillating as always.
"I didn't know where else to go," her voice is trying to remain light and happy even as her eyes are clouded over with sadness and possibly a bit of anger, or maybe resentment.
I smile and step aside to let her in. "You are always welcome here. I'm not really sure though why you aren't with your hubby making up for lost time. As I recall he missed his visit home this week."
I'm surprised by the harsh chuckle that passes through her lips. I've never heard any sort of sound come from her. Then again I've never been privy to every emotion she might display in a relationship.
"Work, again. You know Cena, nothing is more important to him than his work; Apparently not even when I take time off of work to come be with him."
I watch her sink onto the bed and her shoulders sag. There it is, the depression that she goes through when John doesn't realize just how hard this life is on her. Not that she didn't know what she was getting herself into when she had decided to marry him, because she did. She talked to me about what it would do to her on plenty of nights. What is getting to her now is the fact that John is not the one sitting next to her trying to calm her fears. He is too busy trying to play superman in front of the world that he's leaving his wife in his dust leaving her to carry all of his emotional slack.
This isn't me guessing just by looking in her watery eyes. It's the same fight that Madison has been having with John for years. It's the fight that they will probably have until he retires from this business—if they make it that long.
"Come on Maddie you know that he loves you like crazy," I try for reassuring first as I sit on the bed next to her. I can smell the mixture of her body wash and perfume as I sit next to her and it seems to be beckoning me, taunting me until I take her in my arms and taste her once again.
"He's just a man, a stubborn man who makes mistakes some times. I'm sure that he didn't realize that him leaving for something unexpected would get you so upset."
"I know that he doesn't mean to upset me, and that he really does love me. I mean he wouldn't have begged me to come on the road with him if he didn't. I'm just not so sure that I can do this anymore. I'm trying so hard, but it seems like the longer we're married the less he's around. He's so comfortable just leaving whenever something comes up last minute. Leaving when he's supposed to spend time home, barely coming home as it is; I can't help the feeling of abandonment that keeps popping up in my gut. And if I mention it to him to just talk it out so that maybe he can help me put my fears aside it only turns into an argument."
I keep staring at Madison trying to focus on what she's saying instead of thinking about how sexy I think she is angry when her eyes spark up, or how full her lips get when she begins to pout. I know that she is hurting over what John has done. But in honesty I really don't need to focus that much on what is being said. It's the same old fight that she and John have when he starts getting caught up in work; which is staring to get a bit excessive.
"Maddie the two of you fight about this all the time to be honest," I finally say as her emotional tirade nears its end. "You know that you love each other and that you aren't going to leave him. He's the best thing that you have, the only thing probably. I mean besides work."
I hear the sigh that escapes her lips. I don't mean to impress her further than she already is. But she's private and has had a hard time finding friends outside of her job since she's moved to Tampa full time with John. He's her life line when it comes right down to it, and I know that some days he doesn't understand that.
"Come on Maddie don't be upset about this. You're here with me; we can do what we used to do when you got into a fight with John."
I hear her laugh and shake her head. "Training with you is almost pure torture. Besides I already got my workout in today. Another one will kill me. I just want to sit and be depressed about John. I'm just going to go back to my room and sit alone for a bit. I'm still reeling from our fight before he stormed out and dragged myself over here to bother you with all of this after everything between me and you- "
She stops talking and the lingering end of the sentence sends my heartbeat into overtime once more. And now I can feel it the anger, the jealousy is rising up inside of me once more. John has what I have wanted for years and here she stands in front of me with misty eyes and heartbroken. I want to be able to comfort her and make her feel better. At the same time I want to tell her that she needs to leave John and come to me. So many thoughts are running through my mind that I barely notice when she hugs me to say goodbye to me at the door. It's only when I feel her lips on mine for a quick kiss that I come back to my senses and pay attention to what's happening around me.
"I just wanted to thank you for letting me vent even after everything that I told you," She's avoiding my gaze and staring at her hands.
"Maddie you are one of my favorite people and you can always come here. No matter what."
"Thank you Randall," I cringe at the name but can't help smiling when I hear a giggle float through her lips. "I love you," she says sweetly putting her hand on the door knob.
Before I can stop myself and tell myself that what I want to do is an extremely bad idea I put my hand over hers and slowly turn her around to face me. My body seems to be acting of its own free will when I cup her face and bring her lips up to meet mine.
I can hear my father's words playing over in my head as he warns me, "Never mess with a married woman. Marriage is something you never toy with son. Do anything else you want to do but stay away from married women." He warned me the last time I saw him. I couldn't help but talk about my Madison. And even though the words are echoing and pounding against my ears I can't seem to stop myself from pinning her against the door and getting more aggressive.
I am always used to being in charge in every facet of my life, especially the bedroom. This time, even though I seem in control I am not totally sure exactly what I am doing, what I want the two of us to be doing. I just know that I can't get my lips off of hers and the way that she is panting is making me lose almost all of my control.
"Randall," she whispers against my lips slightly pushing me away from her. "I don't know what that was about."
I force myself to back away from her as far as I can without breaking contact. I'm not sure what happened between us but I know that I can't stop touching her, not right now. Not while she has that strong seductive look in her eyes and panting, trying to fight the effect that I have just had on her.
"I mean I have John, and even though we- "
"I know," I say before she can finish her sentence.
"And you told me that you and I would- "
"I know."
"You said that you couldn't be- "
"I know," this time I say it loudly and drop my head. She doesn't need to finish a single sentence for me because every doubt that she is feeling I am feeling as well. Every thought that she is trying to express to me through her panic is racing through me.
"I'm sorry Madison I really am. I don't know what that was about."
I see her start to speak but we both jump when we hear a knock on the door. And my surprise and guilt nearly send me to my knees as I see John standing in my doorway with a small bouquet of lilies and a remorse filled smile.
"Did Maddie happen to make her way over here? We kinda got into it and I don't know where else she would go besides here."
I try to manage my best unaffected smile as I swing the door open giving Madison a look to see if she is ok enough for me to let John in. She plasters a smile on and I move away to let the two embrace and "kiss and make up".
I busy myself as they step out into the hall and work out their current fight. And I know that in a few weeks time it will happen again. Only next time I don't know if I can have her in my bed or not.
When the door opens once more I smile at Madison looking relaxed and slightly anxious. I know how she's feeling. I love the fact that her and John have worked things out so soon. He makes her happy and all I honestly want for her is to be happy. But at the same time I can't explain what I did before. I cannot honestly describe one single emotion that is flowing through me.
"John ducked out of his work things for the night. We're going to go out and spend some time together."
I nod at her and stand up. I don't honestly know what to say to her. I'm not ever sure if my voice will work after what has happened between us.
"I don't know what happened before but-"
I put a hand up to stop her from talking. I don't know what she wants to say to me about before. I only know that right now I cannot handle talking about what I felt. Mainly because I can't honestly tell anything that I'm feeling.
"Don't," I say in a low voice. "I can't do this right now. Go have your night with John."
She nods and moves to the door. I've just managed to screw things up even more between the two of us and I'm feeling like more of an idiot than I have before.
"Hey," I catch her hand once more and force her to look at me. I plant a soft kiss on her lips and bend to whisper in her ear. "Come back later beautiful. I'll be here waiting."
I can see the blush in her cheeks but she says nothing as she leaves my room letting the door slam closed behind her.
I hang my head and sit on the bed. I know that she thinks I'm volatile and unpredictable. I've messed things up with Madison more than once now, and I can see that our relationship is starting to take its toll on her.
Maybe time will heal all of these mistakes that I've made; maybe it will make things worse. All I know is that right now my heart won't stop racing until I can have Madison sitting next to me talking through everything that I have done wrong.
Ok so after a long emotional night and day of fighting with my man I've written a second chapter to this. Originally I only wanted to do one maybe two chapters... I don't know where it's going now or if this will be the end since I'm kind of enjoying writing Randy right now. Let me know what you think and if I should do a bit more :)
And as always ENJOY