Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. I'm admiring Bruno Heller who created The Mentalist.

Author's Note: Well, here we go. I would like to thank everyone who read the first chapter and everyone who will read this one so, thank you, you are amazing! Especially I want to thank klcarr892, WolfE Cat, LAurore, ztsjl, Brown Eyes Parker, rej and Agathanancy98 which gave me fantastic reviews (I adore you!). Hope you enjoy while reading this one! And yes, it really is from Jane's POV!

You learn to appreciate things only after you have lost them.

Many people say so when they talk about health. You know if you never thought that you will someday lose your ability to walk, you never think how much you appreciate your ability. And when the day comes and somebody takes that ability away you will feel like somebody has cheated you.

I never thought that I would come cheated like that. After my family's murder I thought I learnt my lesson. Nothing in this life is permanent. In any second your whole life could collapse like a house of cards. Someday you may understand what went wrong ages ago but does it change anything? Nope. It doesn't. Like revenge doesn't take the pain away.

And believe me I'm some kind of expert what comes to revenge.

In my case my revenge didn't change anything better. It turned my life upside down leaving me with confused and empty feeling. I didn't know what to do when my life's only purpose had taken away. I was free again. And it scared the hell out of me.

I was a coward. I ran away when I got a chance.

I moved to another state because I want to start again in some place where nobody knew me. I chose Montana to be that state - or maybe I should say Montana chose me. I was in the bar in Sacramento when I heard three men talking about Queen City. I just listened how one of them complained about his house. He was trying to sell it but nobody was willing to move in to Helena. I interrupted them and after a half hour and one beer I was the owner of the house in Helena, Montana. So I moved.

It was love at the first sight. The house was perfect. It was smaller than my house in Sacramento but it felt like a home from the beginning. My neighbors came to help me and I felt like I belonged to here. Like this was the real home I was looking for. I come here to forget my previous life in Sacramento so I changed my phone number. I also deleted every number on the phone's memory. I didn't want to remember.

First few months I was happy. I met new people, got new friends and after all I got new job. No, I'm not a consultant for anyone anymore. I work in kindergarten. I'm good with kids and I love them. So when I heard the kindergarten near my home was looking for an employee I applied. They chose me (maybe because there were only few other applicants) and I was satisfied.

Little by little I started to feel like something was missing. I yearned back to Sacramento. Back to my life, to my home, to my couch in CBI headquarters. I miss all my friends there. Especially I miss one of them. There wasn't a day without me thinking of her. She was my best friend so many years. She was always there for me whenever I needed her. I wanted to call her. Just to be sure that she was okay. But I couldn't. I was trying to forget them. I was trying to forget her.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't forget her. So one day I gave up. I had to know how she was. Her job was dangerous – what if something had happened to her? I talked to my lovely coworker Sally and asked her to call Lisbon. She wondered my request but she promised to do it. I told the number from my memory and Sally called. I stood next to her listening carefully. I didn't know if I want Lisbon to answer or not. I was breaking my own rules by calling her. Okay, technically Sally was calling her and I was just listening. Lisbon answered the phone and Sally did what I told her to. She asked if Lisbon was the nurse from hospital and she of course told Sally that she wasn't. Sally apologized politely her mistake and ended the call.

After that call I knew that Lisbon was okay. She was alive and that was all what matters. Soon I started to feel restlessness. What if she gets injured? Or worse, what if she gets killed? To reassure my restless mind I started to read news from Sacramento. Every Sunday I went through the newspaper in the Internet just to see if there was any mention about CBI. There wasn't and I felt better. She could be alright. She could take care of herself. She was survivor.

My life soon got routines and everything was like in the good old days. Or at least I tried to think so.

The fact was that my life wasn't better or easier in Helena. I had a job, yea. But I didn't have friends. I didn't find anyone who could be like her or the team. I was alone. Nobody understood me. Not the way she used to understand me. There was nobody I could talk if I needed to. I had to deal with everything all alone. I wasn't used to be that alone. Yea, I felt sometimes that I was alone when I lived in Sacramento but it was nothing compared to this loneliness.

After my first year in Montana I knew I had to go back to Sacramento. I had to see her. I couldn't deal with loneliness and restlessness anymore. I needed to be sure she was alright.

Although I thought so I didn't go back. I was too stubborn and proud that I couldn't give up. Only a thought about going back felt like I was a beaten dog which came back licking his wounds when the abusive owner called. I didn't want to be the beaten dog. I want to be wild and free wolf which can do whatever he wants!

Because of this childish way of thinking I made the secondly biggest mistake in my life. The first one was absolutely leaving Sacramento. The second was that I didn't go back when I had the chance. The third mistake was that I let the self-pity overwhelmed me. Do I need to continue? Yea, I guess you get the point. I was an idiot.

Years went by, I grew older and my need to see Lisbon didn't go anywhere. I felt I was creepy stalker when I finally heard about her. Or maybe I should say when I saw her. On the television. My heart nearly stopped at that moment! It was so many years since I had seen her face and heard her voice. Okay, I lied about the first one. I have a photo where we are together so I have seen her face. But it was so different when I saw her on the television talking to the reporter. She was real person, she was alive! After my first moment of joy I concentrate to her. She was grumpier than I remember and she also looked older and colder but she definitely was the same old Lisbon.

Except she was now on the top, in the charge of CBI. I laughed a little when I realized how she was now in Virgil Minelli's and Madeline Hightower's shoes. She was the one who yelled to the agents and made sure that rules were followed. She had made a wonderful career. She got what she always wanted to. I was sure that she was happy. So sure that I almost missed the hint of sadness in her smile.

But only almost. Maybe she wasn't so happy than I hope she would be. But there were thousands of possible reasons for that hint of sadness. She could have an ugly break up with her boyfriend. She could miss her brothers or her friends. Maybe something had happened to the team. I soon realized that I didn't know anything about her anymore. I didn't know what had happened to her in the last eight years so I wasn't the best guy for guessing what could be wrong. Maybe nothing was.

Maybe I was just paranoid.

After that I found extremely hard to focus on anything. The familiar feeling, yearning, raised its head again. I wanted to see her. I wanted it so desperately! I had to go back to see her. I had to. I repeated that sentence in my head many months but I never left. I just thought that next week will be better time for leaving. After many "next week" periods I found out that it was summer again – and my next weeks' had lasted half year.

I didn't do it on purpose. But you know, when you think you had everything here you don't want to go somewhere else just because there everything would be better. I had everything I needed in Helena so I didn't want to destroy it all because in Sacramento I would have something that I didn't have here. But what if in Sacramento everything is worse than in Helena? Then I would have destroyed everything that I still had. In other words I was too scared to leave.

Like I said earlier I was the coward. And the idiot too.

Eventually my loneliness won the battle inside me. Maybe Sally had something to do with my decision too. She said that I was unhappy and lonely and I should leave to find my happiness again. According to her words I was much happier when I came than I was now, nine years later. I finally packed my stuff and left the house in Helena.

I was coming back. To Sacramento. And to be honest it scared me a lot. I didn't know what to expect. Everything would be different. I might not recognize some old friends. But those were only excuses. The real thing that scared me was how Lisbon would react when she hears I'm back in town. Maybe she hates me. I understand. Maybe she doesn't want to see me. I understand that too without thinking twice. She has every reason to do that. Maybe she doesn't even remember me. If I try really hard I may be able to understand. If I try really really hard. Or nope. That's impossible to me to understand. If I couldn't forget her although I moved to Helena how could she forget me when she still works in same place?

I told to myself that she wasn't the same person anymore. I didn't know anything about her current life. She might be married, she might have kids and she might have family. She wasn't my Lisbon anymore. But I'm not the same person either. I have changed too. I was older (of course, I wasn't Peter Pan after all), calmer, humbler and I hadn't my wedding ring in my finger anymore. Maybe I'm better person now. Maybe I learnt something from the kids I worked with. There are too many maybes in my life but what is sure is that I have learnt my lesson.

In those lonely years in Helena I learnt to appreciate everything that I had had in Sacramento.

A/N: I hope I didn't let you down although Jane didn't come back yet (but at least he is on his way back). Thanks for reading and special thanks (and virtual hugs) for everyone who is going to review.