I do not own ABC's Once Upon a Time.
I just try to keep up with all its little twists and turns.
MR. GOLD: A User Guide and Manual
Congratulations! You have just purchased your very first MR. GOLD unit. In order to ensure a happy Storybrooke existence with your unit, we have taken the time to create this user-friendly manual.
Technical Specifications:
Name: Mr. Gold – first name unknown as classified documents from Storybrooke Homeland Security (aka former Sherriff Graham) have been unexplainably redacted
Alias: Sir, Old Man CrabbyPants, He-Who-Walks-Alone
Age: presents as a 50 plus year old man – actually only 28 years old
Place of Manufacture: Storybrooke, Maine
Height: 5 ft. 8 in.
Weight: unknown – slightly lighter in heft than RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit as this model presents san scales and approximately 270 less years of sins upon his fine-suited shoulders
Included Accessories:
(1) hardly chipped tea cup (prized possession; handle with extreme care)
(1) Pawn and Antiques Shop filled with various fantastical oddities
(1) surprisingly versatile cane, utilized for many purposes including physical stabilizer and beatings administrator
(1) large, inexplicably salmon-colored, Victorian-style house filled with expensive, dusty knick-knacks that hold no real value to him
(1) black, little used pimp-daddy car
(1) magically imbued scarf – possibly once served as son unit's baby binky
Programming:
Your MR. GOLD unit is equipped with the following modes:
Jack-of-all-Trades: Need a magical element set aside "for a rainy day"? Someone to menacingly crunch red apples to a certain seething civil servant maybe? Or perhaps procure magical baubles and books of forgotten lore? Need someone who knows how to use smelly sheep offings to burn down a troublesome establishment? Your MR. GOLD unit is the one to go to for any and all atypical needs. For a price of course.
Miserly Landlord: From sweet old grannies to wing-clipped nuns, your MR. GOLD unit will raise the rent on them all and smile coldly in their faces while he does it. A mannerly veiled quip or two at their helpless ire and he's on his way to the next victim, er, tenant.
A Long Memory: Your MR. GOLD unit is particularly long of memory especially when triggered by the name of a certain long necked, white feathered bird of ballet renown. He also exhibits an "Under My Cloak" subprogram which helps him keep his new acquired revelations secret until the most opportune moment presents itself.
Bi-Polar Store-Owner: Your MR. GOLD unit prefers that people do not "break my little bell" but will recklessly destroy his own store items while in the throes of emotional turmoil. Rest assured that his pronounced limp will not slow him down during any combat with the targets of his rage, but only serve to grant him a regally odd grace and majesty. While shattering treasured baubles to worthless bits.
Dastardly Pop-Pop Hiding a Tender Heart: Your MR. GOLD unit may pretend to be an uncaring, heartless old wretch but he actually possesses a surprising sentimentality and emotional depth of character. He may even share bits of hard-earned wisdom* with you if you happen to catch him in a verbose mood. And if you're smart, you'll take them to heart. Assuming you've still got one.
*A few wisely spoken adages are:
"That's the thing about children. Before you know it . . . you lose them." – Make your children important.
"You find goodness in others. And when it's not there, you create it." – You can influence people to be better.
"So long as you live in the past, you'll never find your future." – Let your pain go so you can be truly happy.
"Love. It's like a delicate flame. And once it's gone . . . it's gone forever." – Live and enjoy your life right now.
Useful Talents/Abilities:
Quips, Puns, & Mocking Jests: Your MR. GOLD unit has an extremely dry sense of humor which he is more than pleased to dole out to anyone whom he deems worthy of sly hints here and there and perhaps even a touch of revelation thrown in for good measure. Make sure you pay attention so these little golden nuggets don't fly right over your cursed little head.
Misdirection and Misdeeds: Your MR. GOLD unit gets what he wants and sometimes that necessitates allowing people to believe he is actually more deviant than he really is. Or maybe not. Careful with this ability as he may use it on your desperate soul before you have a chance to blink and then you'll own him a favor.
Most Gentlemanly Manners: If you so choose to purchase a REGINA unit as an addition to your Once Upon a Time Play Pal Set, your MR. GOLD unit will automatically activate a new capability to make any request ending pointedly with "please" and your REGINA unit will be compelled to comply with his request.
Master of the Cane: Your MR. GOLD unit smoothly ambulates with the assistance of a fancy cane. This cane can also be used to beat the living daylights out of whomever has earned that ill fate. Be it an innocent flower vendor or a drunkened horndog, your MR. GOLD unit doles out his justice when or where he so chooses. Best to stay under his crystal ball radar.
God-like Resilency: It is nearly impossible to kill off your MR. GOLD unit as he refuses to expire or actually stay dead. Called it spectral stubbornness if you will. Be it poisoning, a stab wound, or simply evil Jedi death thoughts, your MR. GOLD unit is built to take a lickin' and keep on tickin'.
Removal of Your Unit from Packaging:
Your MR. GOLD unit can prove to be stubborn when compelled to break the safety of his shelter and alter identity. Here are some useful suggestions that may expediate the process if you don't have twelve episodes, er, hours to wait for him to reveal his true nature.
1) If you are very hasty and very stupid, you can abscond with his hardly chipped teacup. However, it is wise to update all your hospital and insurance information before doing so.
2) If you are a petite female, don some scrubby clothes and a slightly disheveled BELLE wig (available for purchase in our costume/Halloween shoppe) and act lost, yet still brave and curious. This will compel your MR. GOLD unit to exit his box in disbelief and hug you. Enjoy it while you can because he will likely begin scheming nefarious plots of revenge and accidently leave you trailing behind in his slightly limping wake.
3) If you are a tall, wooden-like male with the wrong color eyes, skulk around acting like you are looking for your long lost papa. Your MR. GOLD unit will peek out at you suspiciously, but if you are calm and unassuming, he will eventually show himself, hug you, and beg your forgiveness. You may take such opportunity to allow him to unload all his most heartfelt machinations and absolve him of his guilt or you may simply attempt to ambush him in his vulnerability. The choice is yours.
Transportation of Your Unit:
Take caution when transporting your MR. GOLD unit on romantic getaways or family vacations. He becomes rather agitated when journeying far afield as he tends to manifest decidedly mortal tendencies upon leaving Storybrooke, Maine. Aerial transportation to New York City in particular really tends to freak him out. You may need to administer liberal doses of Dramamine to calm his nerves and thereby avoid him smashing up his hands in public restrooms.
Compatibility with Other Units:
AGED CORA unit: Your MR. GOLD unit still harbors lingering feelings for what this unit once represented to him. This, however, will not stop him from sacrificing her for the greater good and so that he may survive in the hopes of building a new relationship with a BAE/NEAL unit. However, seeing as he is decidedly incapacitated, you will need to purchase MARY MARGRET and REGINA units to complete this particular sidequest and receive your "Heart Full of Love" achievement.
REGINA unit: As mentioned in the RUMPELSTILTSKIN: THE DARK ONE user guide and manual, your MR. GOLD unit experiences an ever shifting relationship with this unit. He will manipulate and trick her at every chance he gets. A most entertaining aspect of this relationship is the verbal banter exchanged between the two units. As his alter ego served as a mentor to the orginial REGINA unit, she also possesses the ability to pull glowy hearts from chests although interestingly enough, she has not attempted this feat on neither your RUMPLESTILTSKIN nor MR. GOLD units.
LIGHT BELLE unit: Your MR. GOLD unit internally pines for this unit as he believes she is lost to him forever. However with the helpful of a certain storm-cloud eyed MAD HATTER unit, these two units will be reunited in post-curse bliss. For about five seconds before your MR. GOLD unit stupidly chooses magical revenge and power over LIGHT BELLE unit. After much angst and nail biting frustration, your LIGHT BELLE and MR. GOLD units will be once more reunited. For five more seconds before he engages in self sacrificial action against a PETER PAN/MALCOLM unit. Rest assured that your LIGHT BELLE unit will not cease in her quest for true love until reunited again with her MR. GOLD.
DARK BELLE/LACEY unit: This alternative unit proves particularly baffling to your MR. GOLD unit as it looks similar but presents very differently than LIGHT BELLE unit. Your MR. GOLD unit will require professional and not-so-much professional counseling for the effect this unit has on him. Ever the love-struck gentleman, he will try to date this unit which will prove most painful for every unfortunate witness involved. Though his feelings of disquiet and wrongness never leave him entirely, your MR. GOLD unit will find himself enjoying the company of a DARK BELLE/LACEY unit as she is excited by his titillating bad boy side. Whether you enjoy this display or are repulsed by it, be warned that you will not be able to turn away from the disturbing spectacle that ensues.
ZELENA/WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST unit: Due to his alter ego's cruel treatment of her (proving the age old lesson of "Do Unto Others"), your MR. GOLD unit now remains a major target/plaything of this unit. By an odd turn of events, this unit possesses what is hereafter referred to as "The Dark One's Pointy Thingy" and exhibits complete and utter control over your MR. GOLD unit. She enjoys shaving the face of her caged assassin and engaging in somewhat disturbing foreplay at least until she discovers he is going for his pointy thingy. No, not that pointy thingy.
BAE/NEAL unit: Your MR. GOLD unit has been searching for this son unit for years. His alter ego, a RUMPESTILSKIN unit, he even created the "curse to end all curses" just to journey to a land without magic to reunite with this unit. Having not seen this unit since it was a mere lad unit, he may accidently assume (we all know what that makes you) that random male units are a BAE/NEAL unit when in fact they are not. And most sadly, in the end, this unit will first reject him, then accept him, then be lost again to him.
EMMA SWAN unit: A long haired blond savior of the fairytale units of Storybrooke, this unit triggers latent Enchanted Forest memories and curse techinicalities knowledge when he hears her name spoken. This unit will prove very useful to him as well and eventually owe him a favor of more than just a sandwich. An EMMA unit also has a family connection of being his almost daughter-in-law.
PETER PAN/MALCOLM unit: Your MR. GOLD unit feels a personal connection to this unit and pursue him all over your Neverland and Storybrooke Playsets. Good hiking footwear is suggested in order to keep up on this arduous trek across the realms. Also, be aware that your MR. GOLD unit has an end goal of permanently stopping and destroying this unit for the sake of a HENRY unit and the greater good. If this instance does occur, Amazon will not refund your money order as this is a set storyline event.
Cleaning:
Taking care of your MR. GOLD unit will prove quite easy so long as you brush up, um, razor up, on your dry dagger shaving skills. Your MR. GOLD unit also enjoys it when you gently brush his silky brown hair.
Feeding:
Your MR. GOLD unit no doubt enjoys partaking of the finer things in life. (I mean, dude, have you seen his impressive gold ring and expensive suits? Jeez.) However, he has been seen on frequent occasion dining at Granny's on unlikely meals of cheeseburgers and fries. Skeptics of his enjoyment of these foods abound due to the fact that no one ever has actually seen him ingest any of the above mentioned refreshments.
Rest:
As a human, your unit must sleep to regain his strength for secretive carryings-on. His comfy bed, a rather restrictive underground metal cage, or a plush couch in his shop may provide him with adequate space required for a cozy respite.
Frequently Asked Questions and Troubleshooting:
Q: My MR. GOLD unit keeps beating people with his cane and accusing them of random wrongdoings. What do I do?
A: Well, it depends on if they deserve it, now doesn't it?
Q: My MR. GOLD unit has a very overactive shadow that keeps running around hiding all my stuff. What do I do?
A: Give it all the stuff that your ex-boyfriend left at your place. And your credit card statements. And your speeding tickets.
Q: My MR. GOLD unit keeps saying I owe him favors and I don't want to pay up. Is there a deactivation code I can use to reset this unit?
A: Nope. Better fess up and take your medicine. Then after taking your medicine, go fulfill the favor.
Q: My BELLE unit is on backorder from Amazon and my MR. GOLD unit just mopes around my house. What do I do?
A: Give him his chipped tea cup. It won't stop his pain, but it will give you something in which to catch his bitter, salty tears of regret.
End Notes:
Your MR. GOLD unit is an ever changing, ever evolving force in the playsets of both the Enchanted Forest and Storybrooke. Future addendums will no doubt need to be created due to the high volume of brown matter that seems to hit the fan whenever he is involved in anything.
Hope you have enjoyed this addition to the OUAT user guide and manual! It was really fun to write.
After careful consideration, I will not be writing one for Rumplestiltskin: Pre Dark One because it just seems too sad. ;_;
However, if there are any other characters you wish to see given the same lovingly sardonic treatment, PM me or just ask in a review. Come on, who's up for a REGINA unit or a GRUMPY unit? I love my OUAT characters and I'm game to work on nearly anybody.
Or, if this was cute and is now quite enough, that's okay too. ;)
As before, if I have left out any information you deem incredibly important for this piece, review or PM me about it, and hey I'll make an addendum or something, yeah?
A personal tidbit: Dramamine and me? Good pals, we are. Good, comatose pals. Uh-huh.
Thanks to CrimeShowsNumber1Fan for suggesting the cane proficiency and please section. You are quite clever, dearie! :)
Thanks as well to that mystery guest reviewer (same one as before, dearie?) and Robin4 for your great reviews. I appreciate you! :)