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(We left off with HHH asking Hebner to come with him and his buddies. Now, we cut to the parking lot...)
HHH says, "Ok Hebner, this is a road trip. You know the rules, again, the same as the mall or wherever else."
Hebner replies, "No problem, champ."
HHH asks, "Hey Naitch, where's Batista?"
Flair answers, "Oh, he went to go snag us a couple cars and Randy went to get a crane for, well, you know."
HHH, grinning widely and rubbing his hands together, says, "Yessss, yessss."
(Meanwhile, in another area of the parking lot...)
RVD says, "Hey Lita, you wait here, I'm gonna' bring my cruiser up to you."
Lita nods, "Ok cool."
(A couple minutes later, RVD pulls up)
Lita rubs her eyes and takes a second look. She says, "Rob, do you know what your car looks—"
RVD interrupts, "--YEAH BABY!, hahaaaa. I had this done last week, hop in!"
Lita gets in looking around. She says, "Oh my god! This car is a giant BONG!"
RVD smiles and says, "Aw yeah, aw yeah! We're gonna be ridin' in styyyyyle!, because, as you know I AM Rob, Van, Dam!"
(Lita just shakes her head, laughing)
(We now cut to the third level of the lot, where Spike and Albert are)
Albert asks, "Hey Spike, where's the car?"
Spike answers, "Well, it should be here somewhere, this is the area where I parked it."
Albert shrugs, "Well, nevermind. We'll just take MY car."
Spike asks, "Your car?"
"Yeah, it's over here."
Spike sees the car and is disgusted, but for HIS safety, doesn't let Albert see any emotion. He says, "It's...nice, Albert."
Albert smiles and says, "Yeah, I got it last month. You get in, here's the key."
Spike, carefully touching the door handle--the entire car is covered in back hair—says, "You sure 'bout this?"
Albert replies, "Of course!, now get in."
(Spike gets in and starts up the admittedly very hairy car and then proceeds to back out)
(Simultaneously, in another part of the garage, Tazz and Show are looking for Tazz's ride)
Tazz, looking around, says, "I know it's gotta' be somewhere around hea'"
Show, eating a sammitch, answers, "Didn't you leave it in the front of the building this time?"
Tazz shakes his head and says, "Na', I decided to park it in here...somewhere--AH, here it is! "
Show, looking at the "car", and looking at Tazz with a doubtful expression, says, "Y'know, tazz, I really don't think I can fit."
Tazz, looking at the "car" and looking at Show, replies, "G'head, try sitting down."
Show shrugs and says, "Ok, here goes..."
(Show sits and the driver's side rises in the air)
Show says, "See, told you. Tazz, I tell you what, let's just take MY car."
Tazz, slightly offended, asks, "Show, you tellin' me that my shiny, new big-wheel isn't GOOD enough for you!? Is dat' what ya' sayin'?"
Show replies, "No, no, Tazz. I'm just saying that you "driving" this big-wheel and me sitting in this sidecar you had installed—"
Tazz, interrupting, "HEY, Joey Numbers put this sidecar in!, It's of the best quality!"
Show, trying to reason, says, "Look Tazz, let's just take MY car, it'd work better for us. C'mon, let's go."
(Show leads Tazz to his car)
Show smiles and says, "Well, get on in."
(Tazz sighs and gets in the car, and Show starts up the engine)
Show smiles and says, "Hey listen to that motor, she really purrs, eh. Hahahaaa!"
Tazz, looking around, says, "I never would have figured a sound like THAT coming from a car that looks like THIS!"
Show explains, "Well I just figured that a car should symbolize the owner's persona, y'know? So that's why I've decided to have my car made
in the shape of a giant hand!"
(Tazz just sighs and puts his face in his hand, shaking his head)
(We cut back to HHH and Flair. Randy and Batista are just getting back)
HHH, yelling over the noise, says, "OKAY BATISTA, YOU GET OUT, AND RANDY, JUST HOOK THE FIRST CAR AND PLACE IT ON TOP OF THE OTHER CAR--GENTLY!"
Cowboy Bob III answers, "NO PROBLEM, CHAMP!"
(Randy lifts the first car and then places it directly on top of the other car and gets out of the crane)
Randy asks, "How's that, Champ?"
HHH says, "Perfect, let's get in."
(So Evolution and Hebner get in the top car and start it up--somehow, the bottom car starts moving and can also be steered from the top car--don't ask me how or why)
---Meanwhile, we cut to RVD and Lita----
Lita says, "Hey Rob, when we hit the first exit with a restaurant, could we get somethin' to eat, I'm hungry."
RVD nods and says, "Sure, no problem."
"Thanks."
RVD asks, "Hey Lita, that's a shame what happened t'Matt, huh?"
Lita, giggling a little, says,"...yeah. I DO kinda' feel bad for him, y'know? I mean, he's stuck in this hellish storyline all because he called Triple H a "former champ"."
RVD shakes his head and says, "I never even called him a "former champ", but it seems just 'cause I'm popular, I get shit on."
Lita replies, "I guess it doesn't hurt to be banging the boss's daughter, either."
RVD, snickering a little, says, "...yeah, bet he has t'do it while she eats. Hell Lita, you ever see her in action at a buffet?, it's truly a sight to behold. She also has old man Brisco running up to the buffet and back while wearing her ridiculous "buffet hat", as she calls it.
You ever SEE that thing?"
Lita, laughing outright, says, "Yeah, it reads 'keep the plates a'comin!'"
(They both just start laughing aloud)
RVD nudges Lita and says, "Yeah, you ever been around when the locker room orders subs? There could be, like 10 people ordering and Steph gets wind of this and she orders, like, five subs--FIVE SUBS!! Lita, this woman eats subs like, fucking McNuggets!!"
Lita, almost falling over laughing, replies, "Yeah, I know!, I know! I can't even bring any food inside the arena when she's there. For instance, on my way to Backlash last month, I decided to stop at Burger King and get a little somethin', right? I sit down, take a couple bites out of my burger and not two minutes later, I guess the smell must've escaped, but here comes Stephanie. But that's not the strange part, the strange part was that she had her eyes closed as if she were in some kind of trance and she was literally FLOATING over to my table. Like, her feet were about two inches off the floor. She just hovered in back of me with her eyes shut and an open mouth. I tried taking another bite, but stopped. I finally turned around and asked 'May I HELP you!?'"
(RVD is cracking up at this point)
Lita continues, "Yeah, and she's still miraculously floating with her eyes closed and mouth open, so I just throw up my arms and leave. She just gently floats down to where my food is and, still with her eyes peacefully closed, just picks up the fry carton and "drinks" the fries out of it. That's right, Rob, she DRINKS THE FRIES!!! At this point, I'm astounded. She then picks up the burger and manages to just stuff the ENTIRE BURGER down her cholesterol-ridden throat."
RVD, wiping the tears out of his eyes and trying to catch his breath, "Ohh God, ohh God...Wait, wait, Lita, I just GOTTA tell you this, then."
Lita smiles and asks, "Alright, what?"
RVD says, "Well, this happened around Wrestlemania. Okay, we were all sitting in the arena cafeteria and having some lunch before practice, right? There were, like, eight of us at this one table. We were minding our own business and eating our food. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, Steph comes to the foot of our table and says "Boy you guys sure know how to chow down, huh?" I look at the guy sitting next to me with a slightly concerned expression. Big-mouth Triple H says "Do you want any of my steak?" well, not surprising ANY of us, she accepts. She said, "Why SURE Hunter, baby!" She starts to walk toward him and starts looking around the table at everyones' meals. She turns back and stands at the foot of the table and proceeds to lift the ENTIRE TABLE up so that everyone's food slides into her mouth."
(Lita is staring wide-eyed at RVD with an astonished look)
RVD explains, "Dude, I have NEVER seen anyone EAT like that, hell, not even Dusty Rhodes back in ECW."
(They both just start laughing aloud)
(Now we cut to Tazz and Big Show)
Tazz mentions, "This is...an interestin' car ya' got here."
"Hey thanks."
Tazz says, "Yeah. Hey Show, slow down, slow down."
"What's up?"
"Look at that guy with that sign. What does it say...Hey Show getta' load a-this, 'Will crotch-chop for a dollar' HAHA!!"
Show asks, "Hey Tazz, you don't recognize that guy?"
Tazz, squinting as they drive by, replies, "Hey yeah, I do know that guy!, That's X-Pac!"
Show shakes his head, "Oh how the mighty have fallen."
Tazz points out, "Hey, he's flagging us down. Wanna' see what he wants?"
Show nods and smirks, "Alright, 10 bucks says he'll want a hookup for a job and if he gets hired, he'll promise us a main event spot."
Tazz smiles and says, "Okay, I'll take that bet."
Show shakes his head, "You gotta' understand, Tazz, I've been dealing with this little greasebag for YEARS. I know him like the back of my hand. Just watch, you'll see."
"Oh really?"
Show, pulls over, "Yup, just watch."
(Show and Tazz get out of the car and approach X-pac.)
X-pac excitedly says, "HEY guys, I'm soooo glad to see you. It's been a long time, huh?"
Show looks at his fingernails and replies, "Yup."
X-pac, knowing that Show knows what he's up to, says, "Hey Tazz, my man! How's it goin'?"
Tazz replies, "Cool brotha', how 'bout you?"
X-pac says, "I'm coming along, I'm coming along."
(There's an awkward silence as Tazz glances at Show)
X-pac suggest, "Y'know, me and Chyna are s'posed to be getting back together!"
Tazz, feigning interest, says, "Oh yeah, that's--that's nice."
Show, growing impatient, asks, "Alright Pac, enough of the bullshit! Just what the hell do you want?, we're in kind of a hurry!"
X-pac, thinking a moment, replies, "OHHH, it must be time for the annual beer and porn run, huh?"
Show answers, "Yeah, so just what is it you want?"
X-pac raises his hands and says, "Alright, alright, alright...I'd like to know if you could, you know, talk to Vince for me."
Tazz asks, "Talk to Vince for you? Well, why?"
X-pac explains, "Well, I kinda' fell on some hard times, y'know. I have to come out here and beg for money in these tired-assed nWo trunks.
YES, I know, these ARE the same ones I had during my last run in WWE. You guys don't know what it's like. I mean, I'm in the cold and all I've got are these trunks under a well-used overcoat I found. I mean, PLEASE guys, please, I-I'll give you a main event spot, I PROMISE! Just please, PLEASE talk to Vince!"
Show says, "Okay, I will."
X-pac, whose eyes are as big as eggs now, asks, "REALLY, you WILL?"
Show smiles and says, "Nope, hahahaha--I just wanted to choke-slam your hope! HAHAHAHAHA! Damn, I'm so evil."
X-pac angrily declares, "Okay then, FINE! You can go to hell, too Tazz!"
(Show and Tazz are laughing as they walk back towards Show's er, car.)
Show says, "Yo X, I'll tell Hunter I saw ya', I'm sure he'll get a good laugh at that!! HAHAHAAAA!"
(X-pac just curls his top lip and flips off Show and Tazz)
(Show and Tazz get back in the car and drive off)
Tazz shrugs and says, "Well Show, I guess I owe ya' 10 bucks."
Show happily says, "Yup, run me my money. Hahaaaaa!"
Tazz, digging in his pocket, mumbling, "...Damn..."
(Meanwhile, on the interstate, we find Spike and Albert)
Albert explains, "Alright, there's supposed to be an IHOP up at this next exit."
(Spike takes the exit and drives the car to the restaurant.)
Albert says, "Okay, you go find a table. I'll be in shortly."
(Spike goes inside the restaurant while Albert counts his money. Afterwards, he enters the restaurant amidst some stares from the people—mostly because he's in full wrestling gear.)
Albert angrily asks, "What are you people lookin' at?"
A waitress nervously answers, "Hello sir, you-you must have a shirt on to be served here."
Albert angrily asks, "WHAT?"
The waitress, who's obviously scared, replies, "Y-yes sir, you must have a shirt on or we can't serve you."
(Albert reaches out and grabs the waitress by the neck with both hands and...BOOM!!!, a baldo-bomb right through the table. The whole restaurant is chanting "HO-LY SHIT, HO-LY SHIT, HO-LY SHIT...suddenly, the manager runs out to see what all the chaos is about...)
Manager: HEY, WHAT IS ALL THIS NOISE OUT HERE!? WHO DID---(He sees his waitress sprawled over the remains of a table)
Manager: (Authoritatively walking up to Albert) Who do you think you are!? This is MY restaurant, and you can't just put people through tables, GOT IT!!?
(Albert just shrugs and--BLAM!!!, a Baldo-bomb to the manager! The manager is doing an excellent job of selling the baldo-bomb as the crowd is once again doing the HOLY SHIT chant. Albert looks at his two victims and smiles at Spike...)
Albert smiles and says, "Now if only I could get someone at the federation besides YOU to sell THIS good, I kinda' had my eye on that li'l green guy we have on the roster. You know, the one always trying to peep in the women's locker room?"
Spike asks, "You mean Hurricane?"
Albert nods, "Yeah, that's him!"
(Spike just folds his arms and rolls his eyes)
Albert suggests, "Alright, let's go. We'll go to a KFC or something."
(They leave, hop in Albert's hairy car, and zoom off...)
(We now join Evolution and Hebner aboard their car(s))
Batista says, "Hey champ, we've been riding for, like, four hours now. There's a rest area up ahead at the next exit."
HHH nods, "Alright, we'll stop then. Hebner, you know what to do, right?"
Hebner gives a thumbs-up, "You got it champ."
(So they pull into the crowded and slightly smelly rest area, just off of the highway)
Flair says, "Ok champ, I'm gonna' be in the gift shop."
Cowboy Bob III says, "Yeah, and I'll be in the bathroom."
Batista mentions, "Champ, I'm here to help you and Hebner."
HHH smiles and says, "Alriiiight, good. A team player, I like that."
(Suddenly, some screams can be heard a little ways down the walk as some girls just recognized Trips and the gang)
Fangirl 1 yells, "Oh my GOD, I can't believe it's really YOU!!! Please, could you sign my chest?"
Fangirl 2 buts in front of the first girl and says, "No, sign MINE!"
Batista whispers to Trips, "I'd sign the second girl's chest. You see the chesticles she has?"
HHH smirks and says, "Ladies, ladies, I'll pose for pictures and all that...but, first (he slowly looks at Hebner) could you ladies line up and do ME a little favor? Hmmmmm? (smiling widely)"
Fangirl 3 yells, "ANYTHING!"
(At this time Batista pulls a ring bell from out of his trunks.)
HHH says, "Okaaaaay, YOU!, Yeah you. I need you to lay down in this grass over here, ok?"
Fangirl 4 asks, "Ok. what are you gonna' do?"
HHH replies, "Oh, don't worry, this won't hurt a bit. Let me just--ahh, that's better (HHH just got down on top of this little girl and...)
Ok Hebner, now!"
Hebner pounds the grass and yells, "1-2-3!"
(Batista then rings the bell)
HHH points to another girl and says, "Ok, you next, yeah kid--get over here!"
(HHH gets down on top of this poor girl as well as Hebner counts to three and Batista rings the bell--mainly because it's his turn to ring the bell, Randy had it last time when they went to Olive Garden)
---So this shameless farce goes on until ALL people at the rest stop were pinned by HHH--even an 80 year-old lady (some even had their pictures taken with HHH smiling at the camera as he had their legs hooked.).---
(Now you see why HHH insists on driving around with one car on top of another)
Flair asks, "Okay, all done, champ?"
HHH, looking around, says, "Yeah, that should be everybody. Heh, eh Naitch--I'm leaving this rest stop with a perfect win-loss record of 196 and zero."
Batista applauds and says, "Alright CHAMP!, WOOOHOOO!"
Cowboy Bob III exclaims, "Yeah, that'll show everyone who's the best!"
HHH smirks and says, "Damn straight! Okay, lets get outta' here."
Batista suggests, "I'll drive this time."
(Evolution gets in their vehicle(s), and peel off)
---What's going to happen in the next chapter? Who's going to make it to Miami first? Is Albert just going to continue to Baldo-bomb people "straight to hell", as J.R. puts it? Did Stephanie find a purpose for her dietician yet? Is HHH just going to keep pinning people wherever he goes? Is X-pac going to find a new box to live in, or is he going to stack one on top of his existing one and call it a duplex? These and other weird questions will be answered next time, so tune in--same Warrior time, Same Warrior place, same Warrior station!
--Please review, thanks.