"Come on, Anders, you can't expect me to actually learn anything if you're just going to beat on me until Mercy comes out," I breathed out as my face went numb from fighting the haziness.
"Is your spirit trying to come out?" Anders ignored my comment.
"If it is, you're just going to keep going until Mercy comes out," I stated. For the week I'd been training with Anders, that seemed to be the way he wanted to teach me. Like I was almost an outlet for his pent-up anger.
"You're avoiding the question," Anders glared at me.
"And you're supposed to be teaching me how to master my abilities as a mage," I glared right back at him. "So far, you've only taught me three spells."
"And you haven't mastered any of them," Anders said coldly. "That's the point of all of this."
Sadly, I saw the logic in what he was saying. Still, none of this was helping me find a way back to my sister. I took a deep breath to speak, but before I knew what was happening, Anders hit me with a bolt of lightening, my body felt as though it was on fire as I faught off the feeling of Mercy coming out. I cried out in agony as my fight with Mercy came to a horrible end. Everything went completely dark as the spirit took over completely, I felt as though I was trapped in a black void deep in my own body, unable to see or hear anything. I felt nothing, all I could do was hope that I'd get control over myself soon.
"Kimberly?" I could feel hands on me, shaking my body. I listened to the voice as I reached for reality, trying to figure out who was at my side. Then I heard the voice again, it had to be Hawke, "What have you done to her, Anders?"
"I've only been teaching her how to master control over her spirit," Anders replied.
"And it's clearly not working," Hawke sounded pissed. "Maybe you should concentrate on teaching her how to hone her skills as a mage and allow her to gain control in her own time."
"I-" I gasped out.
"Thank the Maker!" Hawke helped me sit up as my eyes opened.
"I take it Mercy came out," I coughed.
"It wasn't your fault, Kimmy," Hawke glared over at Anders. "Someone should know when to stop, if only out of an understanding."
"I understand how it is to be possessed by a spirit, I was only trying to help out. I wasn't trying to hurt her," Anders argued.
Hawke shook her head as she helped me to my feet and led me away from Anders. I was exhausted, but if I could get a break from Anders for the rest of the day, I would have been overjoyed. I took a deep breath as I walked beside Hawke.
"I'll have a word with Anders about his training you as a mage," Hawke sighed. "I doubt that he'll listen to me, but at least you'll know when I've spoken with him."
"Don't say it like that," I frowned.
"What? Why?" Hawke looked at me.
"It just sounds like I'm not going to like the outcome of you talking to Anders about how he trains me," I replied honestly. "I...could always try harder."
"Don't you already try your hardest?" Hawke asked. I looked down as I nodded, "Then how could you possibly try harder?"
I shrugged, "It was just a thought."
Hawke gave me a small smile, "I know, and it was a very good one."
"Good what?" Isabela hopped out from behind a tree.
"Kimmy had a really good thought," Hawke repeated himself.
"Oh, did she offer to give in to my offer for her to share our bed?" there was a hope in Isabela's voice that I could hardly believe.
I shook my head, "Sorry to disappoint you, Isabela."
"I don't think you'd be disappointed if you actually gave me the chance," Isabela winked at me.
Hawke laughed, "I'm sorry, Kimmy, Isabela is in her own world."
"I don't think you need to appologize for me, Hawke, I'm sure Sweetling has already figured that out," Isabela smirked.
"What will we be doing when we get back to camp?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"The three of us are going to play a little game," Isabela nudged Hawke.
Hawke shook her head and rolled her eyes, "You're going to relax for the rest of the evening, we have a very long day ahead of us tomorrow."
"What will we be doing?" I asked.
"We're going to a small village to see if there's any rumors on the where-abouts of the Hero of Ferelden," Hawke replied.
I held back on asking any questions, I was sure that I would hear about the "Hero of Ferelden" at some point. I just stuck to Hawke's side and tried to avoid Isabela's lustful gaze. I prayed to God that Hawke would find what she was looking for.
I was surrounded by distruction and chaos, the sky was glowing red from the flames, my friends were lifeless on the ground with men in strange armor standing over their bodies, and Faith was limp in my arms, as still as death. I tried to breathe, but my throat closed up, tears of confusion, pain, and shattering heartbreak streamed down my face.
Suddenly, Faith's eyes popped open, still lifeless, and her voice rasped, "Look at what you've done."
Once again, she was lifeless in my arms and all I could do in return was scream.
"Kimberly!" I was shaken awake by Aveline.
The second my eyes opened, I realized that I was surrounded by everyone I knew. Faith was still in my world, alive, and my friends were all alive as well. That had been the most vivid dream I had ever had in my entire life. I had no idea why I would even dream of something so unbelievably sinister. My body ached, my throat was sore from my screaming, and to top it off, I could feel "Mercy" trying to come out.
"Maker's breath, are you okay?" Aveline asked in a worried voice.
I nodded weakly, but the truth was, I wasn't okay. I was having a battle inside of myself that confused me, and I was afraid that I was going to lose. Horribly. I didn't want to become an "abomination", shit, the only thing I did want was to go home and protect Faith, but that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.
"I think maybe you should stay behind with Anders and Merrill to relax some when we reach Atarice," Hawke frowned at me.
Again, I nodded, there wasn't really anything else I could do. I sure as Hell couldn't just sit there and argue with Hawke over something so small. It was probably for the best that I stayed behind with the two mages. I took the help offered to me by Donnic to get to my feet. As we cleaned up camp, Faith's lifeless form flashed in my mind and I heard her words to me, "Look at what you've done." I shook away the image and tried to think of happier things. I had to force myself to walk beside Merrill as I continued to try to think of something else. Anything else but my nightmare. I looked at Merrill, and couldn't help but wonder how she could have a skip in her step everyday.
"If you wanted, I could teach you some magic," Merrill said to me in a quiet voice. "The way we Dalish learn from our Keepers."
I looked at Merrill, "You do realize that I'm struggling to remain myself, right?"
"You've got way better control than Anders did when I first met him," Merrill stated.
"Thank God," I breathed out.
Merrill's face made a confused expression, but she shook her head, "I heard Anders telling Hawke that you still haven't mastered your basic spells yet."
"Not even the three spells that he cared to teach me," I nodded. "Lightening is hard to handle."
"Lightening should have been a later spell for you to learn, Anders should have started with the most basic defence spells," Merrill's pointed ears twitched. "Such as Mind-blast, Winterblast, and maybe even a fireball."
"I've been learning fireballs, sheilds, and lightening," I told her.
"By the creators, what is that man thinking?" Merrill shook her head, disapprovingly. "If you want, I really can teach you what Anders skipped."
I was absolutely sure that Anders wouldn't be too happy with me as I replied, "I would like that very much."
Merrill beamed brightly, clearly happy that I had accepted her offer, "Later, I can even teach you some old Dalish magic."
I nodded and peaked over at Anders, who was in a deep conversation with Varric, "Do you think that we could keep it between us for a while?"
"Of course," Merrill looked over at Anders as well, she probably already knew who I wanted to keep it from.
"Why did you start doing Blood Magic?" I asked her suddenly, unable to help myself from asking. I had wanted to know why ever since Hawke and Anders had said that was why she'd been exiled from her Clan.
"Oh, don't listen to Anders, I don't do that anymore," Merrill answered quickly. "I promised Hawke that I wouldn't, and the...demon died over two years ago."
"I understand that, I was just wondering why you started in the first place," I frowned.
Merrill looked down at the ground, "It promised me that it would help me restore my people's history. So much has been lost to the Dalish-including our history-Kimberly. That is why I accepted the demon's deal."
I knew that I couldn't possibly fully understand, but I tried to. I felt like I understood Merrill just a little bit more. Because Merrill had reassured me that Atarice wasn't that far away, and that there wasn't a chance of us stopping, I stuck close to her. I was greatful for the fact that I didn't have to train with Anders until then. I wanted to have some slice of peace in my day. Sadly, the fact that I wanted some peace in my day meant that my mind wouldn't allow it. For the entire two-an-a-half hour walk, my nightmare haunted my thoughts. I just couldn't get any of the images out of my head, and my sister's words were burned deep into my mind. I'd never been bothered so much by a nightmare, it had felt more like a mental warning. What if Mercy caused me to snap suddenly? What would happen if that did happen?
"You're okay with staying out here with Merrill and Anders, right?" Hawke asked me gently, pulling me away from my disturbing thoughts.
"Don't worry about me," I forced a smile.
"We'll be back in an hour or so," Hawke said.
I watched as everyone but Anders, Merrill, and myself walked towards the small village of Atarice. It took me a moment to realize that they had left behind only the mages in the group, but once I did, I couldn't help but feel a little left out. Though, I was sure that Hawke had her reasons for leaving the three of us behind.
Merrill looked as though she was about to say something, when Anders barked, "Grab your staff, Kimberly."
I glared at him, mainly because I was leaning against my staff, "It's already in my hands, Anders."
Immediately, I wished that I could have taken my words back. Out of nowhere, a larger than usual fireball was thrown at me. The instant it hit me, I could feel Mercy trying to take over. My eyes started to burn as I threw up the clear bubble that was meant to be my protection. I blinked several times as my eyes began to water.
"Anders, don't you think that you should take it a bit more easier on her?" Merrill frowned.
"I am going easy on her," was Anders' response before he threw a lightening bolt that instantly broke through my sheild.
"Fuck," I cursed as I tried-and failed-to throw up another sheild. I swore that there was white smoke coming from my eyes. "Anders, I don't feel right."
He ignored me as he threw another lightening bolt at me. I gasped as I felt Mercy fight harder for control, the white hot pain from the lightening was nothing compared to the pain I felt fighting Mercy. As the spirit took over, I heard two crackles. The first sounded like it came from Anders, which scared me, but only for a moment; the second came from me, I could feel it the instant that Mercy took over.
When I came back, it felt more like waking up from a deep sleep, and I was also on the ground. Once the sleepy haze left my eyes, I realized that a strong, yellowish bubble was around both Merrill and me. She was standing protectively in front of me, her hand was up to ensure that the sheild remained strong. Confusion filled me, I had no idea why we were in the sheild bubble, that was until I looked over at Anders. The creature I saw wasn't Anders, his eyes were glowing brightly, and his skin cracked in some places, showing the same blue glow that was coming from his eyes.
"What happened?" I asked Merrill weakly.
"Thank the creators you're back," Merrill breathed out. "Justice saw you as an abomination and has been trying to get to you since he knocked Mercy out."
"Abomination?" I frowned as I looked at "Justice". As if he had room to talk like that. He had no right to call me an abomination.
Merrill nodded, "I think we may have to wait for Hawke to get back. She's the only one Justice will listen to."
"Why would he say something like that?" I glared at Anders.
"Justice doesn't do stress too well," Merrill replied. "The smallest thing can set him off." She cleared her throat as she added, "I highly doubt that Anders himself thinks you're an abomintaion."
"And how long have you two been like that?" I asked.
"An hour...maybe more," Merrill shrugged.
I let out a releived breath, that meant that everyone else was due back soon. There just had to be another way other than Hawke to get Anders back, I just didn't know how. As I looked at the angry spirit of Justice, my stomach turned, and my nightmare replayed in my mind.
"God, help me please," a lump formed in my throat.
"What's wrong?" Merrill glanced back at me.
"Mercy will make me like that," I choaked out.
"Creator's no!" Merrill shook her head, "From what I could tell about your spirit, it's only trying to help you. Justice hasn't really helped Anders with anything for years."
I wasn't quite sure if that was meant to make me feel better or not. I was more surprised that Merrill had the guts to protect me from Anders' angry spirit of Justice. I prayed to God that Mercy wasn't anything like Justice.
"What's going on here?" Hawke demanded once everyone else had arrived. "Justice, we need Anders."
I was surprised that Merrill was right about Justice listening to Hawke, almost immediately, Anders was back to normal. Merrill waited a moment before relaxing and letting down the sheild that had been our protection from Justice. I almost couldn't believe that Merrill had to protect me from the one person who had offered to look after me. It confused me more than anything else.
"Maker's breath, Blondie, what did you do to Kimberly and Merrill?" Varric frowned.
Anders shook his head, "I'm sorry about Justice's behavior, Kimberly."
I noticed that he didn't even look at Merrill, because it wasn't her that he was apologizing to. I was more in shock by the fact that he had called me an abomination... my feelings were hurt, and even though it had been Justice, not Anders, it didn't change the fact it still hurt.
"Kimberly?" Varric frowned at me.
I looked down at the ground, because of my lack of control over Mercy, I had caused Justice to come out for over an hour. I couldn't say anything, because I feared the words that would come out of my mouth. I was angry at Anders, but mainly, I was disappointed in myself.
"I got you some things while we were in Atarice," Hawke cleared her throat and handed a cloth bag to me.
"Thanks," I said weakly as I took the bag. I peaked inside and forced a smile. If I wasn't in such a bad mood, it would have been a real smile. In the bag, there was a pair of leather boots, a pair of gloves, and a long blue and yellow dress that I assumed was supposed to be robes.
"It's meant to look like a dress so you blen in easier," Aveline sighed.
"Thank you, Hawke," my voice was still weak. "I don't know what to say."
"I think that 'thank you' was good enough," Hawke smiled at me.
"So what's the news?" Anders asked suddenly.
"We're going to be heading to the Deep Roads, we'll stay near the entrance, because the Hero of Ferelden's journey in the Deep Roads shouldn't take that long. It's said that the Hero is just north of here," Hawke replied.
"That's okay," Anders sighed. "As long as we're not going that far in. I'm sure that Warden-Commander Amell won't be in there long. She was born to be a Grey Warden, and by the time we get to the Deep Roads, she could be on her way out... or even already out of there."
"Where are the 'Deep Roads'?" my question was directed at Hawke.
"A two day trip north of here," Hawke answered. "And it's also underground."
"Pray to your 'God' that we don't encounter any darkspawn," Anders added.
Hawke snorted, "I highly doubt any will be near the surface."
My stomach turned, Anders seemed kind of uneasy about heading down into the Deep Roads, and the thought of going underground made me feel a bit nervous. If we could find the Hero of Ferelden there, it was one step closer to me finally going home to my sister. I held onto that hope for dear life. I could only imagine how Faith felt, me being nowhere to be found. The soon I was reunited with my sister, the better I would feel.
I was staring up at the stars, trying to find constellations that I knew, but they were nowhere in sight. None the less, I'd never seen so many stars in my entire life, and the view of absolutely breathtaking. It felt wonderful to be relaxing without Anders wanting me to train. It was the first time in a week that I got a break-a real break-after setting up camp. I was beside Aveline and Donnic, who were both studying me intently. Finally, I looked over at the couple and frowned, "What?"
"So...you had no idea that you're a mage until you got here?" Aveline asked.
I shook my head, "Where I'm from, magic isn't real, it's only an illusion."
"That must be nice," Fenris' deep voice came from across the fire, startling me. I hadn't realized that he was paying attention to what I had said. "You didn't have to worry about becoming possessed."
"Oh, I believe that demons torment and that many people have been possessed," I sighed. "Only where I'm from, demons can't be seen with the naked eye."
"And you're close with your sister?" Donnic pressed.
"Very," I nodded. "There's not a thing I can't tell my sister."
"Do you think that your sister will believe you when you tell her about this place?" Aveline asked.
I shook my head, "No way. I wouldn't even believe it."
"If you could do anything at this moment, what would it be?" Donnic asked me thoughtfully.
I shifted uncomfortably, feeling everyone's eyes right on me. There was only one thing that I wanted to do-even though everyone tried to make me feel welcome. I frowned and sighed, "I would go home."
"Perhaps one day soon we can figure out how to get you there," Anders offered.
"I sure hope so," I took a deep breath and looked back up at the sky. I desperately needed to change the subject. "God, I wish the stars came out like this back home. There's so many of them."
Aveline and Donnic retired for the evening, and Varric took their place with a grin on his smooth face as he quietly said, "It seems that Anders, Isabela, and Fenris have all taken a certian liking to you."
"Anders and Fenris?" I snorted doubtfully. Isabela I believed, "Fenris barely looks at me, and Anders is just 'looking' after me."
"And I've been friends with both long enough to know how they act," Varric pointed out.
"In that time, have either of them ever been interested in a woman?" I asked.
"Well...no," Varric sighed.
"Point proven," I smirked.
Varric grinned at me, "We'll drop this for now. I imagine you have some questions."
"Actually, I do," I couldn't help but smile back at the dwarf.
"Feel free to ask away, but in return, I want a story," Varric's grin grew in a sly way.
"Deal," I looked over at Anders and lowered my voice, "What happened in Kirkwall two years ago?"
"With Blonde?" Varric followed my gaze. "When I first met Anders, all he cared about were mages and their freedom, but he was very fun to be around, he'd hang out in the tavern and he knew how to have a good time. The Templars started treating the mages in Kirkwall worse, and because of Anders' anger, Justice gained more control and Anders...his 'cause' became his only focus, until he started a revolution by blowing up the Kirkwall Chantry."
"Why?" I breathed out in shock. "That doesn't sound like Anders."
"That's because it was Justice, and Hawke saw that. She knew Anders, he's one of her best friends, but Justice didn't believe Hawke truly supported the mages or Anders. She was just a distraction from their main goal: to liberate all mages. Justice-and Anders-saw it as the only way for mages to raise up and take their freedom," Varric let out a sad sigh. "And by allowing Anders to live after the fact that he had...started a war...Hawke lost a friend...I lost a friend."
"Who?" I asked.
"King Sebastian Vael," Hawke answered before Varric could. "Before all of this, I think you would have liked him. The only person he really didn't get along with was Anders. He's been the King of Starkhaven for the last two years."
"Choir Boy has sent assassins, mercenaries, and bounty-hunters just for one person. Anders," Varric sighed.
"Why?" I pressed. With the math, I figured that Sebastian Vael, "Choir Boy" became King of Starkhaven after the fact the war was started.
"Because when the Chantry was destroyed, someone Sebastian cared for deeply was inside," Hawke frowned. "He placed the blame on Anders and now supports the Templars fully in the civil war against mages. It's something I'd rather not relive again."
I nodded and looked over at Fenris, who was on the other side of the camp, "Do you know how-"
"-Fenris got his tattoo?" Varric finished for me. I nodded and he explained gently, "Those tattoos were branded into his flesh by his ex-master, and they're the stem of his hatred for mages. He was owned by a mage who treated him like an animal."
"His master was a mage?" I frowned.
"He was," Varric nodded. "I think we'll save the other questions and the story you owe me for when we're in the Deep Roads. It's getting late, and you need your sleep."
Anders was getting on my nerves to the point were I was tempted to kick him in his family jewels. I just wanted a real break before heading underground, so to prove my point that I was done for the day, I sat on the ground and let out a long sigh, allowing my skin to soak up the sun. We were going to venture down into the Deep Roads in the morning.
"What are you doing?" Anders demanded. "Get back up."
"No, I'm done," I stated stubbornly.
"I'm not playing around, Kimberly," Anders barked.
"I'm not either, Anders," I glared at him. "I'm tired, and I can't think straight."
"Templars wouldn't care," Anders tried to point out.
"Fuck off, dude," I yawned. "I'm exhausted and can barely walk."
I heard a crackle and immediately knew that Justice had emerged, which caused me to jump to my feet. There was no way Anders' angry spirit was going to catch me not ready to defend myself.
"If you want to die, so be it," Justice boomed. I felt the hazy feeling of Mercy trying to come out, which caused me to get dizzy.
"Anders, I'm sorry," I breathed out. "You're right."
But Anders didn't come back, like I had hoped he would, instead, Justice was the one teaching me, and I had no chance against the angry spirit. Not even while training. To Justice, everything was for real, and I knew all I could do was pray to God that my sheild was strong enough to block most of his blows. I was so fucked.
I didn't know what the cause was; it could have been the fear of having another nightmare, or it could have been anxiouity from the knowlage that I'd soon be underground that made it difficult for me to sleep. Which was how I found myself away before dawn. Whoever was on watch was gone-probably taking a piss-so I took the oppertunity to make myself scarce. I wanted to see something I hadn't seen in a long time, a sunrisde, and I wondered if it looked anything like a sunrise in my world. There was a cliff near camp, which I stood close to, though I didn't get anywhere near the ledge. Even in the dark, I could tell that the treetops were bright green, making me wonder what color of green they'd be with the first light of dawn. It was so beautiful in the dying darkness alone.
"Couldn't sleep?" Fenris' deep voice came from behind me.
I pput my hand on my chest to slow down my heart, and I whirled around to face the tall elf, "What are you doing?"
"I could ask you the same thing," Fenris drawled out. There was something in the warrior's gaze that I didn't trust.
"I want to see the sunrise on the treetops," I looked back down at the valley.
"It's not as neat as you'd think," Fenris stated.
"Have you seen a sunrise from this very spot?" I turned around to face him again. "Haver you ever stopped to just enjoy a sunrise or even a sunset?"
Something flickered in Fenris' forest green eyes, "No."
I grinned and turned back to face the valley below. Why is he even here? He hates all mages, both Anders and Merrill have told me that repeatedly, I thought. If he was talking to me, I had a feeling that it was because he wanted something from me. Why else would he be talking to me? Because I wasn't born a mage? I shook my head, took a deep breath, and I continued to wait for the sunrise. I didn't feel very comfortable with Fenris behind me, something told me that he was very much the wolf he was named for. Besides, I didn't do good with paranoia, so I searched for something to say, just so it wasn't so awkward, "So are you staying to watch the sunrise?"
"Yes," was the response I got. The first rays of light strained through the trees, rising slowly. When the risising sun finally hit the trees, the forest canopy seemed to light up brighter than ever. I was in awe of the beauty of what I was seeing, and as much as I missed my home, I wouldn't want to miss seeing this for anything. "I'd swear you were an elf in this light," Fenris' voice was quiet, but loud enough for me to hear.
I ignored him and focused on the scene before my eyes, "I can't believe how much beauty is in this world." I was talking to myself to distract my mind from Fenris' comment.
"There's nothing like this where you're from?" Fenris asked.
"My home...my world, is dying slowly," I glanced back at the elf. "Don't get me wrong, there's beauty in it still, but all the wars and technology have been killing the planet slowly but surely. So you should really stop and appreciate the beauty around you sometime."
With that, before the brooding elf could say anything, I walked past him and back to camp, know that once Anders awakened, he would want to train before going down into the Deep Roads.
About two hours later, my body was drenched in sweat, my new robes clung uncomfortably to my body, I was leaning against my staff, trying to catch my breath wile fighting the dizziness and haziness that meant Mercy was trying to come out. Anders wasn't backing down, and I had a feeling that if I didn't defend myself, Justice would be the one to teach me.
"DEFEND YOURSELF!" Anders ordered me.
I glared at the stubborn fool and readied myself for his next attack. As he threw a fireball at me, I felt a sudden burst of energy that blinded me and suck me in...
I was choking for air, it wasn't Anders who had his hands on around my throat, it was Justice. His fingers burned into my throat as his glowing blue eyes pierced mine, then that eerie echo-like voice came from him, "NO MORE GAMES!"
He threw me to the gound, I grabbed my throat and backed away from my mentor. I didn't want to become like him, not if that meant losing complete control, like I'd done so many times before. I wanted to learn to control my spirit...if that was even possible, "We're done for the day."
"Kimberly..." Anders' voice came from behind me. "Maker, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"I know," I said calmly, though inside I was panicking. "I can tell the difference between you and Justice...I'm just done for rest of the day."
"Let me heal your neck," Anders grabbed my hand and whirled me around.
I didn't look at Anders as he healed me. The question I had asked him, "who has more control?" had been answered. Justice was the on wearing the pants in the relationship. Once Anders finished healing me, I went straight back to camp and settled in beside Varric by the fire for breakfast. I knew I couldn't stay mad at Anders forever, not because he was my teacher, but because he was my friend. It didn't matter that I'd known him for just a short time, I knew that I could trust him. It was Justice that I didn't trust. Though the people I trusted the most and had the most respect for were Hawke, Varric, Aveline...and Fenris-though I was sure he didn't have a clue.
"You look exhausted," Varric stated once I got comfortable.
"It's been a long day," I sighed.
"It's only started," Varric pointed out.
"I know as way to relax you, Sweetling," Isabela grinned at me. "I'm sure Hawke wouldn't mind if we had some...girlly fun. Shit, she might just join us."
"I'm good, Isabela," I blushed.
"I'll talk you into it some day," Isabela winked at me. "And that's why I won't ever give up."
"She won't either," Varric smirked. "So if you don't want to end up in Isabela's bed, I wouldn't drink with her if I were you."
"Shhh, Varric, don't ruin my fun," Isabela pouted. "If I can't have my fun, I'll get bored."
"And Maker forbid that should ever happen," Varric chuckled. Then he looked at me, "Don't listen to me. I'm just a beardless dwarf who tells way too many stories."
I couldn't help but laugh as I stared into the fire. These guys had no idea how homesick they made me.