Food Fight!

It was one of those seemingly harmless days where the angels sang a chorus of melody and the birds of paradise lined up a path of roses towards haven. Komui was taking a break from his endless pile of work, humming his way to the cafeteria for another blissful taste of Jerry's cheesecake when something awful struck him in the face.

What did you know? Jerry's delectable cheesecake came from more places than one.

So he tastefully licked his lips, wiped the remnants of whipped cream and cheese off his glorious face and stared at the awful sight otherwise known to the world as a Kanda and Allen food fight.

Food was flying all over the place, and that includes blueberry pie, fried shrimp, octopus balls, dango and Unagi. Talk about the rising food expenditure. Wooden benches and thick tables were tipped over, turning the dining hall into a broken maze of obstacles: Kanda in the West camp and Allen in the East.

"The name's Allen. ALLEN! Stupid Kanda Yuu! Which part of my English do you not understand?! Or is your measly morel of intelligence inadequate for you to comprehend?!" Allen flung more trays of food towards said man.

The reaction was immediate. Kanda returned the favor. He ducked under the table, wiped out another tray of assorted foodstuff and dealt a heavy slam towards his 'enemy'. One could almost hear a 'whish!' sound and then a 'BANG!' from the flying soba noodle.

"Stupid Moyashi, don't insult me with your level of stupidity!! Why don't you shove your mouth with food, shut up and return to the bloody sewers where you belong!!"

More fried shrimps and chicken wings flew over Komui's head.

"Oh yeah?!" Allen shouted. "I wish that someone would shove your katana up your bloody a**!"

Komui has had heard enough.

Food fighting was one thing.

A seemingly innocent 15-year-old boy sprouting colorful language was another.

What on earth would the people think of the Black Order? A mismanaged school of delinquency and felonious consequences, no doubt.

SO when the Supervisor returned from his rather unearthly visit to the cafeteria, he, despite verbal accusations and protests from his fellow workers, conjured up a plan to promote healthy liaison between members of the Headquarters. There was only one thing to do: Setting a FARCE (Friends And Relations Common Examination) whereby candidates require understanding and knowledge of their least favorite person in the entire universe (Earl of Millennium not included because everyone would have failed faster than they can say 'Earl of Millennium').

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Allen's Realization

Candidate's Name: Walker, Allen

Test name: FARCE (How well do you know your friend?)

Selected Friend: Yuu, Kanda

Instructions to Candidates:

Answer ALL questions.

Failure to answer the question requirements warrants an immediate zero.

A passing grade is required for ALL candidates.

You are reminded of the need for good English and clear presentation in your answers.

-

1 (a) Pick one word that best describes your friend.

Answer: Bastard.

1 (b) Provide 2 reasons for your answer in part (a).

Answer: First of all, I'd like to point out that THAT BLOODY BASTARD who is still incapable of pronouncing my name is NOT my friend, thank you. But sure, I have a couple of reasons for his bloody stuck-up attitude. 1) He insulted and called me 'stupid' when I greeted him in the morning. Stupid Kanda Yuu, I wish someone would drag you down to the lowest depths of hell! 2) He accused me of the rising food cost when he's the one ungraciously ordering 5 sets of soba noodle everyday! I wish you'd choke on your noodle!

2(a) Name 5 good traits of your friend.

Answer: Nil. Unless you wish to count cursing others a talent.

2(ai) From your answer in 2(a), how would you help to enhance those qualities?

Answer: Well, I don't think he needs anymore help polishing his vulgarities.

2(b) Name 2 bad traits of your friend.

Answer: Egocentric. Arrogant. Stupid. Idiotic. Mentally perverse. Heartless. Idiotic. And the list goes on…

2(bi) From your answer in 2(b), how would you help to correct those qualities?

Answer: Improbable. Thoroughly improbable. No one can salvage that bastard from his overwhelming ego.

"It's a no wonder you failed!" Lavi exclaimed after a few hours of sporadic burst of laughter and tears. "Man, you crack me up!"

Allen frowned, snatching his answers from his none-too-helpful friend.

"They didn't call it a FRIEND and Relations test for nothing, ya know! You're supposed to give socially correct answers to please the examiners!"

"Sorry, it's not in my trait to lie about something so explicitly and morally unacceptable," said Allen, looking obstinate. "Call me an honest fool but I'm not about to worm my way through examinations puking out stuff that goes against my level of morality and consciousness."

"Hey man, I'm not asking you to put Yuu chan up on the pedestal of sorts," said Lavi, looking ready to burst out laughing again. "All I'm telling you is to…well, magnify his good traits! Not the bad ones."

"But he doesn't have any!" said Allen. "I should have gotten at least half marks for 2(b), I am rightfully spot-on."

"While I admit you're right at certain points of your answers, I believe the markers have their own reasons for not giving you any marks. That's why they asked you to 'see me'.'

"So I'm gonna be fried and eaten?"

"I suppose so, considering you would have to live with Kanda for a couple of days if you fail your sub-paper again."

L-LIVE with that bloody bastard?!!

Allen zoomed off at lightning speed towards the science department.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Kanda's Realization

Kanda stormed towards his poor friend in the form of one Noise Marie and violently, very, VERY violently shook him by the shoulders. "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT LIVING WITH THAT STUPID MOYASHI?!! WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED?!!"

Marie, close to retching at the violent treatment he was getting (for he was always a delicate person), turned green.

"It would seem otherwise erotic if that person was someone else rather than Marie." someone commented.

The entire room shuddered.

Lenalee calmly walked over and smacked Kanda's head with her 292 pages of Learning Peace and Solidarity with your Friend. "Don't blame Marie for your inattentive attitude during pre-examination. And it's not like it's confirmed or anything. I don't suppose the science department would send you guys off to a random desolated island for days of healthy long bonding session. It would put too much toll on the taxes we're collecting."

It was Kanda's turn to feel sick.

"Or I suppose they could," said Lenalee, looking thoughtful with a hand beneath her chin. "Hmm, I wonder what they'll have you two do together…oh well, it depends on who that person is anyway."

Lenalee returned her gaze to buggy-eyed Kanda Yuu and smiled. "So, you haven't told me who's that unlucky chap?"

Kanda wasn't listening, he had slumped down, rather uncharacteristically, on the bench; feeling mortified and thoroughly shocked out of his sockets.

Days away from his life as an exorcist and what's more?! On some god-forsaken island with that stupid Moyashi?!

Good heavens.

"Allen-kun," came a weak response from Marie who was attempting to catch his breath.

"Shut up, Marie."

Lenalee's eyes widen. "Oh my, Kanda, I'm surprised you even got a mark! So? What was the question?"

"I think it was...the first question. He put 'Naïve'."

"I said shut up."

"Well, Allen-kun is certainly naïve in an adorably charming way. What about the rest of his answers?"

Marie shrugged his shoulders. "Kanda-kun alternated his answers between 'Naïve' and 'Stupid', and his examiner commented that he should read up more to expand his vocabulary."

"Shut up!"

Lenalee threw a disapproving look. "You were prepared to fail, weren't you? You're not even making an effort. Well, I suppose I should relate this unenthusiastic attitude of yours to my brother and have him send you two to the island immediately."

There was a no need for Lenalee to continue.

Kanda had miraculously disappeared with a 'poof!'