Wavering

/ Ludwig's pov /

I know what aishiteiru means. I understood it from the way you pronounced each syllable and realized that the word, as a whole, was only for me, for what you were feeling- love.

Don't ask why I didn't answer you immediately. It was a mistake that even this moment, I wish I could correct it, turning back time, and do what I should have. It's not possible. I believe that if we lived twice only then we could truly reconsider our decisions, focus our attention on the things or people that hold high importance that we missed to see -and I don't mean their origin and status- not due to indifference, but because of ignorance, lack of wisdom or bravery.

It's not like I didn't have a choice, I admit it. I could trust myself and my passion instead of wondering what's wrong with me... perhaps, then, things would be more difficult for us but at least we would remain true within our insecurity and sin...

Sin...

I was nurtured in an environment where the expression of love, in any form, was nothing more than a covering, a hollow basis for establishing a relation with people who could strengthen social profile and political prestige. It was nothing more than a responsibility to the family, without the heart's involvement. I never confessed to anyone how heavy this cross has been for me. I had accepted the burden.

Then you came and tried to change that. You tried to free my feelings. When I noticed you, from the first, quick glimpse I thought you had the power to challenge me to re-examine my life. Perhaps what also conduced to this belief was the fact that you came from a very distant country, so distant from mine that in my perception is almost seen as a mythical place, another world... I guess I put my hope of learning something more, something more meaningful, in your hands.

Naoji...

But when the ravishing thrill of your desire and clear and comforting tenderness were about to plunge me completely into the fire like a sword that needs to get rid of rust, the doubts, awakening shadows from the past, took over me.

I turned my back on you to face the world. It feels like it's already late because if I let you come to me, you are going to lose your way.

I am afraid that if I embrace you now, nothing will be as it should have. But what scares me most is that I continue to stick to logic while I know that my heart, in the end, will avenge me.