A/N: So, here you go, second chapter :) excited about posting this, again! I hope you like. Please leave a review, these are always very much appreciated. Also, still looking for a beta, if you're interested message me :) I'm always happy about pm as well, don't be shy, I'm a friendly person ;)
I'm aware that there's not a lot of Quinn in this story so far, but i promise that's going to get better, because I love my Quinnie way too much to not bring her into the story more very soon :)
So, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters, I do also not own the books mentioned. The story and everything the "poet" writes, is mine though :)

Pretending

Rachel opened her eyes immediately at hearing her alarm go off. She was convinced that there was no better song to wake up to than "Don't rain on my parade". Apart from being a musical masterpiece sung by the most talented woman to ever grace the earth, it gave her the right attitude to start the day. The only attitude that would help her survive it, if she was honest.

She got out of bed quickly, grabbed her workout clothes, which she had prepared the night before, of course, as she wouldn't waste any part of her precious morning. She always had a lot of energy when she got right out of bed. Most of the time it was an anxious state, feeling like she had to get things done, improve everything about herself, her body, her voice, her performance at school. Also, the routine gave her something to hold on to, something she had to do, but did for herself, something stable she could control.

Today though she actually felt like doing all these things, she was even kind of looking forward to going to school, because something just told her that she'd see Quinn's smile.

So she started on her elliptical, for once not being driven by the feeling of being inadequate, but actually because she felt good about herself.

She even got out a small bottle of shower gel she had saved from the last holiday with her dads. She always saved a bit of the shower gel she used when traveling, because when she showered with it back home, the smell would immediately bring her back to that place, memories would come up and make for a happy and relaxed feeling.

This one smelled like tropical fruit and pictures of sun and a beach appeared in front of her inner eye. She inhaled deeply and smiled at the thought of Leroy teasing Hiram over not catching the ball when playing "piggy in the middle". She could taste the sweetness of the pineapple she ate while watching the sunset on a pier.

That thought made her mouth actually water now, so she got out of the shower, dressed herself and skipped down the stairs to get something to eat.

Leroy was already standing in the kitchen, chopping up some fruit for their breakfast. He handed her a bowl, giving her a little wink. She smiled when noticing the lack of melon, which she hated, and the extra strawberries, which she loved, in her bowl, whereas her daddy got more apples and her dad, of course, balanced as he was, an equal mix of everything.

She poured some soy yogurt over the fruit and took a seat at the counter, opposite her dad.

"Did you hear the newest gossip?", Leroy asked her.

Rachel giggled a bit, it was a strange start to a conversation before you even said good morning to each other, but she'd take it, because she was in a great mood and her dad always made her laugh.

So she gasped dramatically and asked excitedly: "What is it? I demand to be informed right now!"

"Well", he gestured for her to come closer and stage whispered, "They say the one and only Rachel Berry is in love!"

Rachel laughed loudly for a moment, before composing herself and turning serious again.

"I see daddy told you."

"He did and I'm happy for you, Rachie."

"There's not much to be happy about, dad, but I appreciate what you're saying. I would appreciate it even more though, if you could stop calling me Rachie, it's a very silly name anyways, and, I'm sorry dad, but out of your mouth it's just downright comical."

"Alright, Rachel, I guess I'll just have to accept that you're growing up, although you still are tiny."

That last part got him a playful slap to his forearm and a glare, which he did admittedly deserve.

"But back to the serious business. I'm happy for you, because you're in love, Rachel, a first love is always glorious. And I'm happy for you and for me too, if I'm honest, that it's not that Finn kid. He doesn't seem to be the brightest young gentleman around."

Rachel huffed.

"He is lovely, and he is also my boyfriend, if I may remind you!"

"Yes, about that", Leroy replied, now serious again, "You realize it's not fair to stay in that relationship? On neither of you two. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, it's the last thing I want to do, I hope you understand that, but I just think it's cruel. And you are doing what we try not to do in this family, giving in to the pressure of what's expected from you. You're taking the easy way out, Rachel, and that's not you, not you at all."

Rachel sighed and dropped her head. This comment had dimmed her happiness immediately and she would have been angry with Leroy for ruining her morning, if she didn't know that he was completely right. Finn was the easy solution, Finn liked her, maybe loved her even, and she couldn't say that about a lot of people at McKinley. He was there for her, a shoulder to cry on, someone to spend friday nights with. Since she started dating him, there were less slushies and more smiles for her in the hallway. If she'd leave Finn, that'd stop. Not to mention it could be fatal for the Glee club, he was her leading man, they needed good chemistry.

Those weren't all the reasons though, because as self centered as Rachel Berry sometimes was, she didn't like to hurt people. And she knew she'd hurt Finn a lot, he wouldn't understand why she was leaving him. It was like finding a little stray puppy when on holidays. You know right from the start that you couldn't take it home, because the paperwork is way too complicated and you don't have time for it, but when it's sitting there in the rain, looking at you with big eyes, wagging it's miserable little tale, you take it in anyways. And you know it's unfair to give all that to it, because it's going to be taken away again very soon, but being the selfish human being that you are, you can't bear the pain it causes you to leave the puppy in the rain.

Yes, Finn was like that puppy and Rachel did love him, in a way. Not in the way one should love their boyfriend, never in the way she loved Quinn, but something was there.

He didn't make her happy, but at least he made her happier.

Maybe Rachel wanted the easy way out, for once in her life, maybe she wasn't strong enough to always fight. Why couldn't she too just give in to the pressure, when her head was aching from keeeping it out?

Still, "I'll try.", she whispered.

Then she was up and grabed her bag, because school didn't wait for foolish teenagers who had to think about their puppy-boyfriends.

When she arrived in the parking lot, Finn was already there, grinning. She got out and allowed him to kiss her a bit longer than the five seconds she normally counted. It was meant as a gesture to ease her guilt a little bit. It didn't, because regardless of length and manner of the kiss, she was thinking of Quinn, as always.

"I'm sorry.", she said, when she pulled back and she meant it, although not in the way Finn understood it.

"It's alright Rach, we have to go to class anyways."

He grinned again. How this boy could be so carefree, Rachel would never know. Blissful ignorance, she guessed.

Her classes this morning flew by, she was focused and organised as always and tried to stay in the classrooms as long as possible, so she wouldn't have to be in the hallway, where she was in danger of suffering an attack, either through slushies or snarky remarks.

In the lunchbreak she hurried towards the choir room, because there was a solo she wanted to work on. It was also a way to avoid Finn and the thoughts of his disappointed face if she were to tell him what she really felt.

Sometimes she got paranoid, feeling like everyone could suddenly see what was going in her head, her thoughts written all over her face in her neat handwriting. it was the scariest thing she could imagine and sometimes she had to check her reflection in a glass window when passing, just to be sure. Then she laughed at herself, for being so silly, but the feeling would appear again after a while.

As she opened the door to the choir room, she noticed hushed voices. On stage, seated in the middle, were Santana and Quinn. Rachel immediately stopped everything she was doing, even breathing for an instance.

"Quinn, please look at me!"

She saw Santana tracing her fingers over Quinn's cheek softly. Rachel could almost feel the soft skin herself, she would have given everything to trade places with Santana right now.

"I could kill that fucking asshole!", the Latina said, the anger in her voice very clear, even from where Rachel was standing. Quinn lifted her head a bit and only now the shimmering tears on her face became evident. She was quietly sobbing and it hurt Rachel more than she'd have ever expected. The need to run up to the stage was maddening. She wanted to hold Quinn and make everything better, wipe away the tears, even though Quinn looked the most beautiful right in this moment. There was something fascinating about the vulnerabilty she had, her eyes shone brighter than ever and the dim lights made the tears turn to diamonds on her face.

It was the most pure and real Rachel had ever seen Quinn and it made her fall in love with her even more deeply. Her whole body was aching and tingling from how much she felt.

But at the same time the scene had something of a theatre performance. The two girls on stage seemed in a completely different world, for Rachel to look at, to feel with them, but completely untouchable. She was just a nameless face in the audience, wanting to change the plot of this play, although she knew it had already been written and she wasn't part of it.

Quietly she wanted to turn around, overwhelmed by the sense of being completely useless, because she was the last person who could help Quinn, the last person Quinn would ever want help from.

But Santana had already spotted her.

"Berry!", she bellowed, "What the fuck are you doing here, midget? Stalking Quinn again?"

Rachel, who had already been on the verge of tears before could hardly keep herself from crying now.

"I just wanted to use the choir room, for-for practicing, I'm sorry, I didn't see much, I'll leave if you want me to, actually, i was just about to leave anyways and.."
She was cut off by Quinn, who was suddenly standing in front of her, face still tearstained and hate in her eyes. Hate and panic.

"How dare you, manhands, how dare you!", she shouted at her, grabbing her arms and pushing her forcefully against the wall.

"Goddammit!"

Quinn's voice shrieked a bit, she seemed to have completely lost it and in a fit of rage she roughly punched the wall right beside Rachel's head.

Rachel's eyes widened, she was scared to death, Quinn seemed so out of it, she could have been capable of anything in this moment. But then again, she was also nearer to Rachel than she had ever been and the proximity of her face was fascinating. She could see everything, the lonely little freckle on her nose, a tiny scar on her chin, her sweet lips, still trembling, just inches away. And her eyes, big and clear, her irises even greener now that her eyes were reddened from crying. And Rachel could read hurt in them. Real and deep. This wasn't mindless bullying, this was a girl, who didn't know what to do, who couldn't help herself and thus freaked out, just so she'd be doing something.

Realizing this, Rachel wasn't scared anymore, she just felt so, so sorry for Quinn. She wanted to soothe her pain, protect her from the world. But she couldn't.

"I'm so sorry Quinn.", she said in a calm voice, not holding back on the affection in her tone. It was the least she could do.

She ducked under Quinns arm, that still pinned her to the wall and started walking away. Quinn didn't move an inch, but Rachel thought she could see new tears streaming down her perfect face.

Santana shouted: "You better keep your big mouth shut about that, Streisand!", but she didn't make a move to follow her either.

Walking out Rachel thought she heard Quinn mumble: "Why her, of all people, why did Rachel have to walk in?" and Santana softly shushing her.

She felt strangely dilated and very sad at the same time. Maybe Quinn didn't hate her. It seemed as if she was really just a sad girl, trying to stop herself from going crazy.

How much pain she must carry, if it can make her that cruel.

her Quinn, her beautiful sad Quinn, who made her life a living hell, just because she didn't know any better. How much she loved her!

The rest of the day Rachel spent distracted by her thoughts, Quinn skipped literature, the only class they usually had together, so Rachel didn't even pay attention there.

In the evening, her daddy hugged her as soon as he walked through the door and handed her a bag.

"Since you seem to be into literature lately, I picked you up a book from the library."

She smiled at him, thankfully.

"It's Camus, "The Fall", he's a brilliant man, great philosopher. Might distract you a bit."

Rachel thanked him and took the book straight to her room, she did feel like reading today. She reverendly opened the it and immediately noticed that there was something scribbled on the inside of the cover. She wrinkled her nose, because it was a library book, so it was not okay to just scribble your personal notes in it. But then curiosity got the better of her and she started reading. Two lines in, she almost cried, for the second time this day, because she realized that this was her poet. And she finally remembered how she had found the quote from yesterday, in the back of a play she borrowed from the library, "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof", scribbled in the same messy writing, that seemed as if someone was desperate to get his thoughts onto paper. It started right where the last chapter ended, and she loved how well it concluded the book, even though it seemed completely out of context.

And here her poet had done it again, used the blank space in this book to make his own thoughts be heard.

The human race has in its mindless stupor created an environment that is toxic for any thought, thereby raising a society, that's unable to think. They are softly killing me from the inside, because by some genetic accident, and abnormality, I can think. And I'm unable to stop.

Even if I could, would it be worth losing my freedom and the understanding of the world? Wouldn't it just be a weak surrender to cruelty of the desert I live in? It is tearing me apart, because my strategy to survive became to pretend, though in me it's screaming "no". But I can't start a revolution, they wouldn't understand. They don't see what's wrong and I'm not the one to share it. It's too big for my little body. So many people who saw what I see chose to leave this life behind, because they too were quiet rebels, tired of hiding from the scorching sun that burns all that truly lives.

The only thing that keeps me in this desert is a flower I see. Standing tall and beautiful, seemingly unaffected by the lack of nurturing water. The crowd roars and tramples on it, but every morning it's there again, glowing that little bit more. And somehow, I think, I hope that I'm like her, on the inside, but unlike me, her outsides correspond. She is the one to start the revolution, she alone has the strength to. And it makes me angry, angry that my disguise stops me from joining her, so I trample along with the others. My actions slowly stab my thoughts to death and my heart hates me.

It was so true, again. Rachel felt her tears spilling over now, because she got it. She knew the desert the poet was describing, she knew the pretending and the helplessness it brought. She was trampled upon, when she tried to stand up, but somehow this page, scribbled on by an anonymous stranger, gave her hope and the strength she was lacking. She understood what her father said to her this morning, about breaking up with Finn, but only now did she feel like it was actually something she was capable of doing.

She had to break up with Finn. And she had to hug Quinn, because they both needed it. It was a scary thought, but she felt brave right now.

"Thank you poet!", she whispered.