WHEN ALL YOU CAN SAY IS NO
It felt like the whole world was against me sometimes. It didn't give a fuck what my dreams where, whether the situations it thrust me in were ideal for my sanity. The whole world stood on the other side of the road, wondering why Embry the fucking chicken had crossed the goddamned road.
To get away. I just wanted some peace. A moment of it without having to sacrifice some part of me.
"So that Leah girl is back…" mom slurs, eyeing me knowingly. "You going to shag her?"
"Who uses the word shag in this day and age?" I exhale, pushing the ash tray towards her in a bid to save our crappy table.
"People who've shagged…"she snickered, her small frame shaking with glee "and I heard before she'd moved she'd been giving it to everyone…"
Everyone but me.
"Uh, she's changed. Doing her law degree…"
"Doing a law degree doesn't mean she's changed. It just means she's gonna be giving it to every other law degree wielding idiot out there" she says, taking a drag on her menthol cigarette and puffing the smoke in my direction, all while watching me with the keenness of a vulture.
"She has…"
"No, what hasn't changed is you wanting that Clearwater cunt..." she hisses. "Sam had some sense dropping her…"
"I have to go… do something" I growl, leaving the house too fast and without a change of clothes to replace the ones I knew I wasn't going to be able to save before phasing.
"Uh…." I mumble, trying to back out of Sam's house slowly…
"You stalking me now, Call?" Leah smirks. "Coming in?"
"Uh…."
"Close the door Embry. Seth is here too, so you can sit around doing shit all and eating Emily's cooking together"
"why is your sister here" I whisper to Seth. he is scowling at Sam's tiny ancient televisions set.
"Don't know… she wanted to chat with Emily. Made me drive her here so she can text in the passenger seat freely" he sighs, folding his arms before handing me the remote.
"Chat with Emily?" I raised an eyebrow and shook my head. "so where are they?"
"Just ask me Embry, Leah doesn't have super hearing anymore and neither does Sam"
"uh, what about…?" I whisper anyway.
"Don't know… I'm glad they're getting along that's all"
"So she came home to 'get along'?" I stop watching the poor quality TV set and stare at Seth.
"Something's up, Em… but I can't tell you what it is…" he sighs, slumping further into the soft couch. "If I were you I wouldn't pester her about it"
"wasn't planning on"
"So what I need you to do, is just give them a talk"
"why can't you do it?" I whine.
"Because I am not a wolf anymore Embry… and you're the oldest" Sam sighs, scoffing down his doughnut's. His appetite did not change when he stopped phasing. I felt sorry for the waistband of his tracksuit pants…
"no, I' not… well, only by months. Quil can…"
"Just do it Embry, you have got to get over this 'talking' thing" he huffs, throwing a half eaten doughnut back into the box. "Call them to the clearing by that huge red wood…"
"Seth is by lineage…"
"Shut up Embry and just do as I say!" thank god he isn't the alpha anymore. It would suck doing 'everything' he says…
So Sam wanted me to give you this talk… I think to the reast of them, still trying to word the talk out and they pounced on my indecision.
Dude, seriously? Mental stammering…? Collin snickered.
Don't run up into Canada please I sigh.
That's the talk Embry?Seriously…? Seth asks, prodding through y memory for the original version.
Who the fuck decided to get seen by a game ranger in Canada? Seth screeches. Like fuck, we aren't kids anymore… there is no reason for anyone to be seen…
Everyone listens intently to his chastising while I quietly exit the wolf link. It was much easier for Seth, since he was genetically next in line in terms of being in charge… It was odd running around with no Alpha. We felt… lost. What with Jake so far away and having to deal with his own life, things were just warped.
"Hey Em,, I didn't mean to take over back there" Seth says, handing me a beer. "Just… well, you gotta take charge with these pups otherwise they run all over you"
Like he had done?
"Anyway" he sighs. "I'm going to Alaska his weekend, come with me?"
"No"
"Dude, do you have to make me beg every time or do you secretly like my puppy dog act?"
"No"
"No, don't like my puppy dog act or….?"
"Seth, no"
"Fuck!" Seth shouts, slamming the beer hard on the table. "you make it so hard…."
"Why are you swearing so loudly…" Leah asks, emerging from the study… were loud music had been playing, with the phone in her hand, receiver covered.
"How are you having a telephone conversation with music that loud" Seth counters, not bothering to look at her.
"Because you can be nosey when you're bored" she hisses, turning around to head back in the study. "Sorry, Thomas… you were saying?"
Seconds later the music has been turned up again.
"whose Thomas?" I ask Seth.
"her boyfriend"
"Why didn't you tell me she had a boyfriend?"
"you never asked" he says grinning. "and even if you did, I wouldn't tell you because it has no consequence to your being"
"you're right. But I'm her brother…" I try.
"were her brother when she was in the pack" he elaborates. "and brothers don't think about their sisters in the shower…"
"is it about that? Seth, it was an accident, bro"
"I know" he sighs. "you come across any colleges you like?"
"uh…"
"that's one of the reasons I'm heading down to Alaska. Edward is changing colleges next year, he asked if I would be interested in joining him at his new college" Seth says, getting up from the couch. "you staying for dinner?"
"I think…"
"you're staying. Anyway…" he continues, walking to the kitchen and I follow him in a daze. "Going to talk about that. He asked if you would be interested too. It won't be so bad, although Jake won't be with us I think…"
"I can't go to college" I said sitting down slowly on the kitchen stool.
"what are you talking about! You're the smartest guy I know… You got that Math and Physic's certificate thing when you graduated…"
"what I mean is I can't afford it" I said bluntly, studying the counter top.
"we can work something out…" Seth says, waving his hand like it was no issue that I was en cents short of poor.
"I am not taking any pity money from any… from the Cullen's"
"after all these years and they are still leeches?" he asks, visibly hurt.
They weren't still leeches to me. Like, I wouldn't go crazy if I saw one of them but I would avoid them like the plague. They had caused me to phase. They had ruined a lot inadvertently. If I wasn't phasing when I had done my last year… things may be different. if I could control my emotional state to stop in time to get a scholarship and not worry about so much then maybe… if I hadn't realised how much more my mother needed me…
They weren't just vampires. They were the Cullen's. Rich, glamorous and beautiful…
They were everything I wanted but could never be.
"Embry, this isn't you…" Seth says intently. "Look, I know you've been dealing with a lot but you don't let prejudices get in the way of…"
"Seth, I have to go" I get up and leave without a backward glance.
"hey" Leah whispers, standing at y front door with nothing but a thin cardigan on. It's snowing. She isn't a wolf…
"what are you doing here?"
"I came to see you" she says, her eyes staring at my feet. "you not gonna let me in? it's snowing if you cant tell…"
"Right, uh…"my house is a mess, my mother passed out on the mouldy couch in the dining room. "Okay, but be real quiet and ignore the mess"
"I always do"
"You're room…" she murmurs, spinning around the limited floor space. "not what I expected"
"What did you expect?"
"A mess, like Seth's room"
My room was different from all the other rooms. Ridiculously organised and clean. It was the one place where everything had a purpose and fell into place. The one clean place…
"So, are you ever going to cut that hair?" Leah asks, sweeping my hair out of my face. I move away from her touch and she smiles. "I don't bite anymore, Em"
"Why are you here, Leah?" I ask abruptly.
"You don't want me here"
"no" another abrupt answer.
"I like you better when you stammer" she whispers, taking a deliberate step forward to the bed, were I sit still, watching her.
"I….."
"That's better" she says smiling, taking another step. "you didn't answer my question?"
"Which…." I begin, but she takes another step, her fingers going into my hair, manicured nails scraping my scull before she fists my hair out of my face… pulling it and thus, pulling my head up, to face her.
I close my eyes. I don't want to look at her, standing over me… holding me by the hair like this.
"your hair, Embry… what are we going to do about it?" she asks again, her voice low and husky.
"I like it long"
"I like it long too" she snickers. "but I don't know what that has to do with your hair?"
"i… meant my hair"
"It doesn't have to be so sticky and slick just because it's so long" she growls into my ear. "Why are you're eyes closed, do you still think I am medusa?"
"Ngh…" I groan as she tugs my hair up wildly. It doesn't hurt like it would have if she was a wolf… but the sensation…
"Embry, look at me" she commands, her warm breathe fanning my face.
My eyes open automatically and her face is inches from my own. I inhale a sharp breathe and straight after that, my heart goes into overdrive… I start hyperventilating…. My moth is dry and suddenly I don't know what to do with my hands but then I realise something.
Leah smells a little like my mum. She smells like alcohol and her pupils are dilated.
"you've been drinking" I state.
"and then?" she asks, her fist still violently gripping my hair.
"you're drunk"
"so?"
"what are you doing here, Leah?" I ask her seriously, removing her hand forcefully from my head.
"I'm here to fuck you Embry Call" she says, smiling innocently. "I want to rock you're brains out…"
"Leah, let me take you home" I get up and look around for her car keys.
"Not until you fuck me" she slurs.
I spot the keys and grab them from the side table and grab her hand. She tries to jerk away; half heartedly but them complies and lets me lead her down stairs, stumbling now and giggling slightly.
"You are still a virgin!" she giggles as I click her seat belt over her. "Virgin Embry, oh my gosh!"
"Leah…"I warn, turning Sue's truck and pulling out of the drive way.
"Shhhh…" she murmurs, still giggling. "I won't tell Embry, but if you're gay… that's fine too"
"you have to do something…" Sam says, trying to make me look him in the eye. "I mean, you need some purpose kid"
"I know…"
"if it's about your mum, you have to… you have to let that life go if you're going to have a future kid"
"I can't…"
"Embry" Sam sighs, shaking his head. "what do you want to do, run around La Push for the rest of your days, buying her wine and feeding her alcoholism while depriving yourself of a life"
Exactly. "no"
"See, I knew there was some ambition in you" he smiles weakly. "now, this Cullen thing Seth says…"
"I can't take their money!"
"kid, look… here is what I think we can do" he says, taking a sip of his coffee. "we'll get you a scholarship… hook and nail, and just ask Edward…"
"no"
"we'll ask Edward and Seth to stay with you"
"you mean you'll ask Edward and Seth if I can stay with them" I hiss.
"…well, anyway… you'll have people you know with you" he finishes and sits back in his wing back chair, visibly pleased with himself. "you'll have friends"
"I'm twenty one Sam" I sigh. "I don't need you scouting for friends for me."
"Seth has always…"
"No" I cut him. "We are just…."
I didn't have a word for Seth and I. We were just stuck in La Push with each other while everyone else went about their business. Him more so because of school. Me…well…
"Edward's not so bad" he says, scrunching up his nose like he can smell a vampire. "I mean, once you get past his know it all cockiness…"
"No"
"So you leave with Seth for Alaska this weekend. I've already asked Seth to talk to Edward." Sam says, bulldozing any pretence that I had a say in this.
"What about what I want?"
"Embry, you don't know what you want" he says, smiling warmly at me. If I didn't know better, I'd say Sam was interfering in my life more so because I looked like his son than him being my ex Alpha…
"It's just for the weekend mom"
"You never even liked Dr Cullen" she grumbles. She did like him ofcourse, to piss off all the elders…
"Jake…"
"That Black boy?" she pauses and then laughs. "That came out wrong, anyway… him I liked out of all these other tribal backward…"
"The Makah are cultural too"
"Don't talk about what you don't know" she hisses. "Well, if it's to see Jacob Black and the good Doctor Cullen…"
"I am not asking for permission"
"That's what you're always doing, Embry" she says, smiling lovingly. "Now be a good boy and make my bed…"
Dude, we are going to have so much fun! A fun filled weekend of Esme's cooking, X-box and fast cars!
Could you be any less materialistic….?
Whatever, man. Oh, thanks for driving Leah home the other night. I can only imagine what guy would have offered to 'drive her home' from that bar… Seth says, remembering some police report Charlie had shown him of a missing girl.
Bar…oh yeah.
Dude, how do you manage to stammer in thought! I catch up to Seth and grins, his tongue lolling out and he starts pushing faster… increasing speed.
Must be all the fur holding you back, Embry he snickers, weaving easily through the trees and leaving behind a billow of sand. You gotta cut your hair, dude
How does he do that? Always says the wrong right things, asks just the right questions and scarily in sync with Leah? Of course the memory of Leah pulling on my hair and turning me very much on comes rushing to the fore front of my mind and the next thing I know, Seth has crashed into a tree.
Fuck!
I catch up to him and stay a good distance away as he gets up and inspects his hind leg. The tree is completely destroyed; snapped in half and dangling by a thread of bark.
Dude, you said you went to the Bar he accuses, wheeling around and glaring at me through amber wolf eyes. his muzzle is pulled over his teeth.
I just agreed with what she told you, I guess she had been embarrassed so…
You were taking advantage…!
Seth, you clearly saw that as soon as I realised she was drunk…I say quickly, backing away from him as he stalks me…
Fuck, forget it. I get it. Thanks anyway. He huffs. Let's go… I don't want to miss another second of paradise.