Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight
EPOV
Mornings, probably the worst time of the day. When people have a bad day they go to bed thinking tomorrow will be better, and then comes morning and in its wake all hopes die. It will be better to not wake up at all if you're going to start the day hoping. Don't get me wrong I'm an optimistic but I can't bring myself to be optimistic. I just don't have the energy to let myself down. I'm not a child anymore. I know the truths that lie under the dark blanket of night. When you've seen the truth, you can't hope because there's nothing left in you to hope. I realized that as a child.
"Edward!" My head snapped up at the sound of name. My journal fell to the floor with a quiet thud. I blinked a couple of times and stared at the ceiling. I rubbed my hands over my face trying to wake up. Mornings. I closed my eyes and was about to fall asleep when the door to my room suddenly burst open. In walked my mother and brother. I took a pillow and pulled it over my head.
"Look at this room, it's a mess. Edward I expect you to clean this up. I'm through trying to clean up after you," my mother said in a strict voice. I'm having a quarter life crises and she's worried about the room? What's the point of cleaning it up? I will never be able to find anything and it'll end up exactly as it was now. Plus my journals need some room and I'm not going to put them away in the basement or anything. The last thing I want is my mother reading one of them and thinking I need a shrink. Like a human shrink could figure out what goes on inside the mind of a half vampire half angel teenage boy. Like I said, it'll be best to give up all hope now so no one will be disappointed later. I'm not normal, even for a vampire/angel.
When I was young everyone always said I was looking for something. Hope, maybe. Hope that everything always ends up okay. Young Edward knew that everything they said was pointless. My father's a doctor and he has lost lives. People have died in front of him. It didn't end up okay for those people or their loved ones. He saves more lives than he loses but someone's got to keep count of the lives lost. And that's exactly what I've done. Ever since I was old enough I've been keeping track of people who died while being treated by my father. 25. 25 people in 12 years. That's 25 families thrown apart but all anyone cares about is the lives he saved; which is a lot because he's a damn good doctor. But I'm not hopeful. I don't believe in being hopeful. I believe in being realistic. I know my reality and I know who I am.
"Edward, I want you out of that bed right now or there will be severe consequences," my mother said in a desperate voice. The thing is Esme Cullen doesn't really know what 'severe consequences' stands for. So at that moment I wasn't really scared but I still got out of the bed because I wasn't spending another gloomy day in the gloomy town of Forks, Washington by cleaning my room. Or worse the whole house. I sat up in bed and looked at my mother. As usual she was dressed immaculately with her hair in a loose bun, her green eyes calm but severe. Then I turned to look at my brother, looking for support. Jasper Cullen was a tall, blond, all American kinda guy with piercing ocean blue eyes. If anyone could handle our mother he could but I could see I wasn't going to get any support from him.
"I really wish to be left alone," I said running a hand through my already sure-to-be messy hair. I grabbed a T-shirt lying at the foot of the bed and pulled it over my head. Oh god, I hate mornings. Especially this one because my mother was in my room which meant something unpleasant was coming along. I wish she'd just spring it on me already. Like a Band-Aid, the longer she waits the more it's going to hurt.
"Okay, I get it. You want to tell me something that I'm going to hate but won't be able to do anything about it. So just tell me already." My voice dragged, like I couldn't wait to get away from here, which was true. Esme and Jasper exchanged a look and I realized it might be worse than I thought. God, if you're out there please make it something that won't make my life a living hell.
"I just want you to be ready when your aunt comes to drop off Emmett," Esme said. I was slowly nodding prepared for anything and everything, so it didn't register with me what she was saying. Emmett is my obnoxious, too loud cousin. He's 18 like Jasper and therefore he is like an older brother to me. So I just thought he was coming over to spend the day like he used to all the time back home. Back home. We are not in Chicago anymore. Emmett's not coming to spend the day. As soon as I realized that I glared at my mother.
"Why is aunt Lilly dropping him off?" I asked as politely as I could manage. This cannot be happening. We are forced to move to Gloomsdale and now Emmett is going to be here all the time. Every day, all day. Why doesn't someone take a knife and kill me already? Because death will be easy and they want me to suffer. Suffer until I die eventually. My mom sat down on the bed beside me and took my hand in hers. She looked at me with pleading eyes.
"Fine! I'll try to live with it but that should mean I should get away with murder for letting Emmett live here because he's... Emmett." I sighed when Esme smiled. I feel bad that my parents have to always worry about what I will think, or say. But they have Jasper which should be some kind of consolation and they tell me constantly that I'm not that bad. I kissed my Mom's cheek and got out of the bed. I thought this morning could still be saved until I caught the look on Jasper's face. This isn't over. There is more.
"What more?" I asked in a tight voice, pinching the bridge of my nose. Jasper put a hand on my shoulder, no doubt trying to calm me down but it wasn't working. I don't like a crowd. Emmett I could deal with because he's family and we grew up together but anyone else and I was ready to commit murder to get away from here.
"And Tanya Denali," Esme said in a quiet voice. I turned around to look at her sharply, she winced. I knew what she saw there. Accusation. She is not going to do this to me. I'm not going to be sharing a house with Tanya Denali. It's not possible. It's not happening.
"Not her. I can't share a house with her. It's impossible," I said in a calm voice. I tried breathing deeply. Jasper sent a calm wave towards me but it didn't do anything. I wanted to get out of here. Leave right now and never come back. I threw away the covers and jumped out of bed. Esme got up and walked over to where I was standing. She put a hand on my arm and I sighed deeply. She was doing this for me. If it were up to me I'd spend my life in isolation. And I would if there wasn't a voice in my head telling me that if I leave now, I'll be alone forever. And that's something I didn't want. So why was it that breathing in this house was becoming impossible. I knew it had something to do with Gloomsdale and not my family. But I wanted to run away from here and never look back.
"Perhaps, I can try, if Tanya leaves me alone and pretends I don't exist. I will not talk to her besides exchanging pleasantries. She can live here but she should stay away from me at all times," I said breathing in the scent of my mother. When I was young and everyone would say there was something wrong with me, I would come to my mother and hug her tightly, breathing in her scent. This just proves that God is not out there and if he is he clearly doesn't care about me.
It'll be okay. Esme sent out the thought to me.
Yeah, well I know for a fact that it won't be okay. I know Tanya Denali. She'll throw herself at me the first chance she gets. That's what she does. She likes me and assumes that I would like her too because of her looks. She's beautiful, I don't deny it but she is not who I want. And I am not about to date her because she wants it. I can't do that to her or to myself. I am sure someday she will find someone but until then she has to hold tight. I hope she stays in her boundaries for the duration of her stay.
My parents just can't help themselves. They are genuinely nice people. So I'm not surprised they asked Tanya to come live with us. But that doesn't mean I have to be civil with her.
"When will they get here?" I asked my Mom. I was rummaging through the boxes on the floor that held my clothes. I still had to unpack all of my stuff and the only thing I had unpacked was my journals because I felt incomplete without them.
"Tonight. Around dinner time, so you have plenty of time to unpack," she replied. I turned to look at her disbelievingly.
"I am the child of a vampire and angel. It would have taken me three minutes to unpack all my stuff, maybe even less. And you woke me up? Why did we move to Gloomsdale anyway? We were fine in Chicago," I asked throwing my things around. Where had I put it? I know I packed it separately with my clothes instead of among the other journals. I need it, as I'm almost done with my current one.
"Alright, since you're being remotely civil about Tanya and Emmett, I'll let you go back to sleep or whatever else you were doing," Esme replied and kissed me on the cheek.
"How come he gets to sleep in and I have to wake up before the crack of dawn?" Jazz asked, speaking up for the first time. Until that point he had been standing against the wall, observing me and Mom. This was alright for him because he's perfectly fine in the head and I'm apparently not. If I had been standing like that against the wall, they'd think I was planning something. I think my family thinks I'm suicidal. This would have been an option if killing myself wasn't another impossibility that I had to live with.
"Because you are the love child, therefore you were born before me," I replied. Although he was also the reason Mom and Dad were married because an angel isn't allowed to marry a vampire, let alone have a vampire baby. But apparently love conquers all or so I've heard. I wouldn't know because I've never been in love. Impossibility, simply because I don't think I'm capable of love.
"Because I felt alone. That's why I woke you up. The house is still new and I haven't adjusted to it yet. I'm not thrilled to be here anymore than both of you are but it's a shot at a new beginning and we need it," Esme said grimly. I looked at Jasper who was also looking grim. I stared at him silently until he finally looked at me. I motioned with my head toward Mom but he just stared at me blankly. I kept looking at him until he finally realized I was asking him to send a wave of happy emotion towards Esme. He complied immediately.
"Anyways there is nothing we can do now except settle in. Jasper let Edward sleep and you and I will unpack the living room things, and then fix the two spare rooms for Emmett and Tanya." Esme walked out the room and Jasper followed behind, smirking. Finally, this place was starting to almost feel like home. Almost. Now I had two things I could do. I could go to sleep or I could look for the journal. I decided to go to sleep. I was tired and in this state I would make an even bigger mess of the room. I got to the bed and was about to sit down when I heard something crash downstairs. I sighed and rolled my eyes. What now? Why couldn't I find peace? I opened the door to my room and went downstairs. I don't think I was going to be able to fall asleep while Mom and Jasper were fixing the living room.
"I thought you were going back to bed," Mom said when she saw me standing against the living room wall.
"I can't sleep with all this raucous," I said.
"Dude, honestly what do you want? You don't want to help us and you don't want to go to bed and you complain when we let you," Jazz said. I looked at him patiently wondering how to reply to that. He was right; I didn't know what I wanted. I was stuck in some in-between place. I knew I wanted something but I wasn't sure what I wanted.
"You know I thought that you will like Gloomsdale, I mean Forks. You two have got me calling Forks, Gloomsdale," Mom said. I smirked.
"Oh no, I like it here because you know it's not like there's a more depressing place on earth except maybe my head," I said.
"Thank god I'm not the mind reader," Jazz mumbled but I still heard it. I threw one of the couch pillows at him but he caught it before it hit him.
"No fighting," Esme said. She grabbed the pillow Jasper was about to throw back and placed it in the box I had picked it up from.
"Tell me something, when was the last time someone moved to Gloomsdale?" I asked. Esme and Jasper looked thoughtful but I knew the answer. It was not in recent years. Why would anyone want to move to a town the size of a handkerchief? I mean the town ends where it began.
"I don't know, but did you ever consider that you are just being biased? We grew up in a big city, of course living in a small town is going to be hard," Jasper said.
"Of course, I have considered it, it's not true. I really hate Gloomsdale," I said. Without any intention of doing so, I was helping Esme and Jasper organize the living room. The furniture was all pastel because the living room was painted white and so was the rest of the house. Esme didn't like bright colours and neither do I. Jasper and Carlisle were both okay with whatever Esme wanted so they didn't argue. Esme had all new furniture delivered here because apparently a new start required new furniture. I didn't really care; I wasn't going to be spending a lot of time down here anyway.
"Do you think the people who live here want to live here?" Esme asked.
"Um…yeah, why else would they be living here?" I asked.
"Strictly speaking about your generation, it could be that they were born here. Perhaps, they, like you want nothing more than to leave this town," Esme said.
"Yes, but they had seventeen years to get used to it. I don't," I said.
"Since we're not exactly planning on moving back, I suggest we put this behind us and move on," Jasper suggested. Esme and I nodded. There was nothing better to do anyway. We couldn't obsess about being here because we weren't moving back. Carlisle had made that clear.
"There's something I want to show you or rather, I want you to explain to me," Esme said to me. Esme left the room for a moment and when she came back, she had something in her hand. From where I was standing, all I saw was a blank piece of paper.
"Now, I know there's a lot going on with you but who is this?" Esme asked. She held out the paper and I looked down at it. I sighed. It was her. The girl I had seen in my dream. She had been as surprised to see me as I was to see her but I didn't know who she was or what she was doing in my dream. All I know was that she was there and I felt complete for the first in my life. Her chocolate brown eyes, though surprised, had been warm and her dark hair fell around her shoulder in waves. She was beautiful. I took the paper out of Esme's hand.
"I don't know who she is, I just dreamt of her," I said.
"Edward, I am your mother, I can hear the underlying tone in your voice. This girl means a lot to you," Esme said.
"Sure, but I still don't know who she is," I said. I placed her portrait on the table.
"Look on the bright side, you started dreaming about her when we moved her, maybe she lives in Forks," Jasper said. It was easy for Jasper to look on the bright side. He didn't have a problem being optimistic. I knew for sure that even if she lived in Forks and even if she was close enough that I could touch her, something will keep me from having her. Happy endings didn't come to me as easily as they came to every to everyone else.
With the living in perfect order and the rest of house exactly like Esme wanted it, she let Jasper and I have the night off. Well, really she let me have the night off because Emmett and Tanya were bound to show up any minute. When Mom said we were free though, I ran up to my room, got the keys to my Volvo and ran back downstairs.
"I'm going to do something extremely lame, who wants to come with me?" I asked when I was in the living room. Jasper was setting up the PS3 and XBOX and Esme was reading a magazine.
"Describe extremely lame," Jasper said.
"I don't know, getting a pizza. If we can find a pizza parlour in this small town," I said. Jasper let go of the wires he was holding and turned to look at me.
"I think I saw one when we were driving around town yesterday," Jasper said. Great, pizza parlour it was then. I hoped Forks at least had decent pizza. I mean, just because I could survive on human food thanks to my Angel genes didn't mean that I could eat just about any food.
"Mom, last chance, want to come?" I asked. Esme looked up from her magazine and smiled gently.
"No, I think I should be here when our house guests arrive," Esme said. I nodded because I didn't trust myself enough to not say something terrible about Tanya. I wish she'd leave me alone. Jasper and I walked out to my Volvo and we got in. Thankfully, I was allowed to bring my car with me.
Jasper gave me the directions while I drove. The streets were mostly empty, not a lot of cars drove by but then again most of the people were asleep in their houses. The weather was humid though and it was pressing down on me. I didn't like humidity. I could barely breathe in this town. I didn't like rain any better but it was required to get rid of the humidity.
When we finally got to the pizza parlour, I parked my car beside a yellow Porche. Who in forks would drive a Porche? I got out of the car and looked over at the pizza parlour and gasped. There she was; my dream girl. Her expression of expectancy turned to shock when she saw me. But it was her. Her brown eyes were wide with shock and her brown hair tumbled around her shoulders in waves. She moved forward in her chair and placed a small hand on the window. But before I could blink or do anything, a girl with a pixie haircut walked up to her and my dream girl looked away.
But I'd found it. I'd found what I was searching for all my life. It was her.
AN: Wow, this chapter has been half written for two years now. I hope anyone who reads it likes Edward's POV. I have no idea when I will update next but it might be soon. XOXO.