"Well, uh, comrades," Soldier started, a nervous chuckle jumping out of his throat as he came out from under the chair and rose to his full height. He spread out his hands in a failure of a sign of peace. "I was smiling because I, uh…" He paused, grasping for the right words to say. "I just thought it was funny."

Demoman had hardly moved his jaw when Sniper snapped out.

"Funny!? You thought me bein' a bloody dog was funny?" His ears flattened and a low growl, deeper than Heavy's normal voice, rattled out from his clenched teeth. He rose to his feet, his ears flat and tail lashing, the end of the leash lifting slightly off of the floor. "I'll give you bloody funny when I slice yer head off durin' ceasefire and we play ping-pong with it."

Soldier backed up, panic tugging at the corners of his lips while Sniper stepped menacingly towards him.

"NO!" Demoman hollered, causing Sniper to swiftly turn his head while Soldier trembled. "No hurtin' 'im, even though he's a bloodeh fuckin'—" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in an attempt to relax. "We jis' need his help, Sniper, if we wanna know wha' happened. We all know 'e's lyin'."

Sniper's brow was furrowed angrily, and he continued to analyze Demoman with his eyes even when the Scotsman had stopped talking. Finally, he just snorted and turned away from the fretful soldier, flicking his tail and going back to lean against the wall where he had been sitting.

"Well?" Demoman continued, raising his eyebrows and folding his arms. He glared expectantly at the moronic warrior.

"Alright, alright," Soldier gave in, bowing his head and lifting his hands up. "I'm sorry. It's not my fault you're all fruit-fucking, scum-sucking—"

Sniper cut in with a ripping snarl.

"—gentlemen of fine taste," Soldier finished. Demoman just rolled his eye. "Ahem. Well anyways… It wasn't me. It was Merasmus."

Demoman nearly choked. "Your roommate? Th'bloodeh 'wizard' who took me EYE!?" He was pointing vigorously at his eye-patch.

"Y- Yes," Soldier conceded. "Well, uh… You see, Demo… I was framed."

"What—what d'ye—"

"Oh, for Christ's sake," Medic—or Scout—or both—who really knows—butted in. He shuffled quickly up to the tall American dressed in red before slapping him violently. "You vere not framed, you imbecile," he grumbled. "Oh yeah? Vhat if he vas? Vell you know vhat, he doesn't even have a reason to be framed, so—"

"They're right," Soldier interrupted. The half-pint shut up. "It was just Merasmus. He had a weird little box that looked like a T.V. but had buttons like a robot." Everyone in the room except for Engineer and Pyro looked genuinely disbelieving, but Soldier continued. "I asked him what it was. Said it was a 'kung-pow-tour', or something. He said it was from another dimension, in the future, and there was a thing beyond all his power called the 'intern-ed'. I think it's for helping college kids find dumb jobs, instead of being real men and women of America." Everyone remained silent, and he coughed. "And, uh, he showed me pictures of you guys, sort of the way you are now. Merasmus thought it was cute." He shrugged. "I don't even know. Anyways, he started doing his magical hoopla and I asked him what he was doing and he said he was trying to make the intern-ed closer to reality and—"

"So you just let him turn me into an ABOMINATION!?" Spy shrieked, leaning over from the sink for a few grand moments of fury, before having to retire to go back under the stream of tap water. He still continued to glare, though.

"Well, no," Soldier shrugged. He swallowed. "I was gonna hit him with my shovel, but he did a little tap-dance thing and disappeared."

The entire room was entirely silent, save for the trickling of sink water and the light hum of the fridge.

Heavy was the one who spoke. "What?"

"I don't know!" Soldier cried out, flinging his arms to his sides. "I have no idea! You know what—I bet that dumb Merasmus went back to that boring place he used to stay with the old ladies everywhere, and they were knitting, and he was really bad at knitting so he tried to use his magic but—"

"Alright, nobody cares!" Demoman spat out before Soldier could continue. "Innyway—we're goin' ta have ta find tha' fuckin' witch an' make him fix e'eryone, alright?"

Medic and Scout cheered and Sniper grunted with a nod. Spy raised a hand with a thumbs-up, but Heavy spoke first.

"Demoman—we cannot all go to find wizard. Pyro is stuck in fridge, probably. Spy needs water and Engineer can't do anything."

"Ohh," Demoman grumbled, slapping his forehead with the base of his palm. He sighed. "Fine. Heavy, yer comin' with me an' Soldier. I need someone sane comin' with me. Everyone else, stay here," he emphasized, "Or I'll kill the lot a' you." He turned to Sniper. "I'd take ye wi'me, but the combined shrimp-midgets over here are gonna need some supervision." He gestured to the pouting Medic and Scout. "An' if Spy can't even leave the sink, Engineer can't talk for shit, an' Pyro's stuck in the fridge, well. Someone's gonnae have ta stay behind."

"Right-o, boss," Sniper said curtly, a nod included. He mocked Soldier's American salute. His tail lashed with pride when he heard Soldier grunt in irritation.

"Alright, here we go," Demoman sighed, beckoning Heavy and Soldier to the door with a wave of his hand. "I'm gonna pu' on the rest o' my uniform an' I'll be with ya in a moment. Heavy, watch him." Heavy nodded agreeably and clasped Soldier's shoulders tightly in his hands while Demoman trudged upstairs, moaning.