Chapter 2:
A/N This is entirely all Olivia's thoughts directly after the shooting leading up to her return to work
Olivia looked up just in time to see her partner walking out of the squad room, his head down, shoulders slumped. Elliot stumbled slightly as a paramedic rushed passed him in a vain attempt to administer first aid. Olivia looked around; they should have just called the coroner first & saved the hassle. There were no survivors.
She tried to call out his name but nothing would come out of her mouth. She was in shock, her whole body was shaking. Except her arms, they felt numb. She slowly looked down and realised she was still applying pressure to the chest wound Sister Peg had suffered. Olivia slowly pulled them away; her hands were covered in blood. It had been a useless attempt to save the nuns life; she was already too far gone when she hit the ground.
In the space of five minutes the squad room was covered in blood. Three people lay dead having been gunned down by the fourth person, a 15 year old girl. Two of the dead really were scum of the earth but Sister Peg, that woman had devoted her life to helping the less fortunate, how the hell did she deserve this.
Olivia doesn't remember too much, she remembers showing Jenna they had got the men who killed her mother but then it's all a bit of a blur. She can see Jenna pull the gun and shoot; two of the men went down in an instant. Then she heard another bang and saw Sister Peg fall, Oliva went to her immediately and applied pressure to the oozing wound knowing that she couldn't do anything to save her life.
As Olivia looks to find Elliot she can see Jenna aiming the gun at her this time. Everything slows down; she swears all the crap about seeing your life flash before your eyes is true. She thinks her last thought will be of Elliot and how she never told him how she felt. Then she hears the shot and she slams her eyes shut. All she can hear is the loud thudding of her heart against her chest. She feels no pain, she hasn't buckled. Slowly Olivia opens her eyes to find Jenna dead, she looks around anxious to find Elliot, hoping like hell it wasn't him who had to take the shot. She finds him; crouched over the desk, gun in hand. Their eyes meet, both in shock.
She is now siting alone in her dark apartment hours later. Many phone calls and text messages to Elliot are still unanswered. Olivia has spoken to Kathy, she didn't go into much detail, and it wasn't her place. Kathy said to give him some time; he would call when he was ready.
Cragen has her on stress leave for the next 10 days. He said the orders have come from higher up but he will make sure they are enforced. He also said Elliot is on leave until IAB have completed their investigation into the shooting. She knows they will both have to see a shrink, someone from the pre-approved list sent from 1PP. Cragen said he will text her the names and numbers to make an appointment. Olivia knows that Elliot's sessions will be a lot harder than hers will be. They will put him through the ringer before he is allowed to come back.
The time off moves surprisingly quick. She rearranges her apartment and had even bought some new cookery books. It was nice to be able to cook a meal from scratch, even if she had nobody to share it with.
The therapy sessions were bearable. Obviously she had said the right things because she had spoken to Cragen a couple of hours ago and her return to work had been approved. She had also received calls from Munch & Fin, but not from the person she wanted to…no needed to hear from the most.
Olivia had called him a few times over the week; it went straight to voicemail each time. She had called the house phone again, Kathy answered and gave her the same spiel, he will call when he is ready. The next time her call went to the home answering machine she half expected the message to say "Leave your name and number, unless you're Olivia in which case just give up."
She spends most evenings the same way, sitting on the couch with a glass of wine going over her relationship with Elliot. He has come up a lot in the therapy sessions, usually at the insistence of the counsellor. She figures he is fishing to see what is going on between them, to see if he needs to make a recommendation about their partnership. How can she explain her relationship to a therapist when she can't even explain it to herself?
She was looking back at her past relationships, trying to remember the last serious one she had, was it really Kurt? It seemed a lifetime ago. Most of her boyfriends didn't last more than a month, six weeks tops.
She knows why, no one can ever live up to him, to her Elliot Stabler. In her eyes he is the perfect man. For Christ sakes, the man mortgaged his house for her. She also suspects that it was he who paid for Langhan to represent her but she never asks and he never tells.
She has always had feelings for him. The second Cragen had introduced them she felt sparks. He was so handsome, rugged, those blue eyes you could just get lost in. His wedding ring had always been a deterrent though. Plus she actually liked Kathy. They never had a conventional friendship but Oliva respected the woman. Admittedly their relationship seemed to become strained the longer her partnership with Elliot lasted.
Kathy had to put up with a lot of crap over the years. In the end Olivia saw the separation as inevitable. Elliot had shut down and would go days without speaking to his wife or even going home, preferring the uncomfortable beds in the crib. So no, it wasn't a surprise.
What did surprise her was the way she found out about it. A lawyer blurted it out in Cragens office in attempt to enrage Elliot. Olivia was shocked, he hadn't told her anything. She suspected things weren't fantastic at home but not to this point.
She could hardly look him in the eye after that. Not because she was angry he didn't tell her but because of the guilt she felt. Olivia had actually thought they had a chance. Looking back on this she scoffs at how naïve she had been.
Gitano, fucking Gitano, had screwed everything up. When he had that gun to Elliot's head she couldn't focus. She didn't want to lose him. He expected her to take the shot, he told her so. What the hell as he thinking, she could never do that.
That was the first time she ran from him. She told Cragen she needed a break, he saw right through her but trusted her enough to come to him if she needed.
She didn't tell Elliot, she just let him show up for work only to hear it from their captain. She felt like such a coward, but what would she say to him? "Hey, Elliot just a heads up, I'm now in computer crimes cos I have fallen head over heels in love with you. Anyway, have a great day". Yeah, that would work. Their relationship, their partnership was just too complicated.
In the end she couldn't stay away, she kept telling herself that it was the cases, the victims that drew her back but deep down she knew the truth. It was Elliot, always Elliot, who brought her back. She couldn't bear not seeing his face opposite her every day. She was addicted to him.
She left him again, Oregon, undercover with the Feds. God, she wanted to say goodbye but as luck would have it, he was unconscious. Dana Lewis had a lot to answer for, every time she showed up Elliot was injured. They didn't even let her leave him a note, something to explain. She had missed him so much.
When she finally returned she told herself that she would speak to El, tell him how she felt. But then she saw him with his new partner, Dani fucking Beck. They looked so comfortable in each others presence that Olivia snuck out the back door so he wouldn't see her.
She did rejoin the squad a few weeks later; Dani apparently couldn't deal with the living victims. Things felt strained for a good few weeks, she knew he was pissed with her leaving. True to their nature though they never discussed it, hoping the issue would just disappear without having to confront their feelings.
Olivia took another long drink, finishing off the wine in the glass. She thought about getting a refill but decided against it. She hated thinking of all the incidents that changed them. She was so pissed that she never took a chance. If she had, who knows it may have been her giving birth to that 5th Stabler baby and not Kathy.
She tried so hard to be supportive of him, supportive of his decision to go back home to Kathy. She was pregnant again, apparently a one night thing but it got her knocked up once again. Olivia was even there to take Kathy to appointments if Elliot was unavailable. In the end it was her who was there when Eli was born, her who held the child for the first time.
The time at the hospital is burned into her brain and her heart with the same intensity of being stuck in the warehouse with Gitano. Elliot walked out of Kathy's room and Olivia thought he was going to walk straight past her but suddenly he turned. He pulled her into him and hugged her, she held onto him for dear life. The feelings that she had been trying to repress, push away came flooding back.
She missed the early days of their partnership, there was no hidden meaning (on his part anyway) to their little touches. Hell, they even used to flirt. The two years from when the Stabler's split to when they reconciled seemed to mirror her & El's partnership. Except they never really reconciled. Things never went back to how they were.
Looking back she realised things had started to change again. Elliot was spending more time at work, sleeping in the cribs. She remembered when Cragen spoke to them all about the training course in Quantico with the FBI. Elliot jumped at the chance to go. When their Captain told him it was a 10 day trip, El had just shrugged his shoulders and said the time wasn't an issue.
He hadn't lasted the whole 10 days. That whole case is still a blur in her mind. One minute she is talking to him on the big screen in the squad room, the next she is running into his arms.
She had just walked out of the bathroom here she had tried to save the life of Sonya Paxton, the pain in the arese ADA who reminded Olivia of her mother.
She saw him come around the corner, the look of concern covering his whole face. He broke into a run towards her and she couldn't help but mirror his actions. He grabbed her and she couldn't help but tell him she was really glad he was back. It was true; she hated being apart from him. It felt as though he was nuzzling into her neck when he told her he should have come back sooner.
Olivia didn't want to let him go, his voice sounded so gravely. Almost as if he had been crying, or was about to, she wasn't sure. She knew though if she didn't let him go they would head into very dangerous territory.
Olivia goes to bed that night longing for the morning, the first day back. Hoping like Hell she would see Elliot's face across her desk. As she falls asleep she swears she can feel his arms wrapped around her and as she closes her eyes she is sure she hears him whisper in her ear "I love you Liv".
NEXT MORNING:
Olivia walks into the squad room, two coffees in hand and is brought to a standstill. It looks different, new computers, new big screens. Shit, there is even new lighting, it looks too bright.
The can see one thing hasn't changed; their joined desks are still there. She observes nothing is out of place there. She sets his coffee down and walks to her side, boots up her computer to check her email.
She looks up to see Cragen walk in, he calls her into his office. After a general catch up to make sure everything is ok, she asks about Elliot. Her Captain looks at her, as if surprised she doesn't know, he informs her that he hasn't been cleared yet. He also tells her they have a new detective helping out, a Rookie, Amanda Rollins.
Olivia nods her head, stands up, and walks out of the office. She stops at Elliot's desk, her eyes landing on as photo of him and Eli, picks up the now cold coffee and throws it in the bin.
The guys all ask how she is doing, did she get shrinked much. They also introduce her to Rollins. Apparently because Munch is no longer in the field as much she is partnered with Fin. She seems nice enough, Olivia thinks. She also thinks that she is quite happy with going solo until her partner is cleared and comes back.
The next few days blend into another. She goes to anther therapy session, this time Seaview is mentioned. Olivia surprised herself by bringing it up. She had seen a counsellor after the assault but had stopped about a year ago. She now figures maybe she isn't completely over it, she cant be if she volunteered that information. It had helped a little bit though; she is actually considering finding a different therapist after these work mandated sessions are completed.
She had given Elliot his space and hadn't called or sent a text since she returned to work, Last night though, after finding the Vodka in the back of the fridge, she had seriously debated getting into a cab and trying to bang his front door down. She felt embarrassed by the thought. She missed him, but she wouldn't demean herself by doing that. He will call when he needs her.
She walked to her desk the next morning, looking longingly at the empty desk across from her.
Cragen calls her into his office, he motions for her to take a seat but she refuses. The next thing out of his mouth completely shatters her heart.
"Elliot put his papers in. There was nothing I could do."
All she could think to say was he had earned it. Cragen continued to talk to her but she tried to listen but couldn't. She told him she would be fine, he didn't believe it, even offered her a day which of course she refused.
Olivia walked out of his office holding in the tears that so desperately wanted to fall. She walked into an unoccupied interrogation room, slid to the floor and just cried.
Elliot was gone, he really isn't coming back.