Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews and follows everyone. Much love for it. I am going to use another word that might confuse people called Dwobbish. Dwobbish is half dwarf, hobbit, and elvish. Yes, this word is influenced by the infamous summaries: "Dwobbits! M-preg!"
Chapter Two: Rule Number One
Apparently, fives reviews was enough for me to continue with my swajesty. I swore Pearl Primrose needed more standards.
I was on my pony, enjoying the greenery all around us, the leaves slightly swaying in my majestic presence. For a second, I forgot the sticky predicament I was in, as I took in the sight. And then Dwalin moved beside me on his pony, blocking my vision. 'Course, Dwalin was such a mood killer. All those times he had tried to put the moves on Dis, he'd kill the mood by talking about how many orcs he'd slaughtered that day, yesterday, or last week. Damn, Dwalin, sometimes you made me―swajesty extraordinaire―look like a care bear.
"Do you believe the hobbit will show?" Dwalin asked discreetly. Why was he being discreet? Oh, no. Did he know about my secret fantasies involving Mr. Bag―
"Of course not," I snapped.
Dwalin glared. "There is no need to speak that way to me." Did he just get snippy with muah? Really, Dwalin? I was King Under the Mountain. I could talk to whomever I wanted, however I wanted. I was about to retort with, "I'm going to tell Balin," when I heard her behind us. She―the travesty―was behind us on her pony.
"I know what you're thinking, Thorin," Trixie blurted, lips quivering for some reason. All right, try me. I dared Trixie to know what I was thinking. Pretty much the entire fandom never knew what I was thinking, including all my OC love interests. Apparently, I was passive enough to accept bitches screaming at me, but aggressive enough to bruise them when I got mad and squeeze their arms like a stone giant. Didn't make sense to muah.
Dwalin growled, "Did you not know eavesdropping is rude? Leave us." Dwalin was officially back on team Thorin. Couldn't blame him. My bros could never stay mad at me for long. Five minutes was the record, held by Balin after I punched Dwalin in the nose that one time we got roaring drunk in some tavern. We started a bar fight. Yep, good times.
"Ugh, who are you?" Trixie rolled her eyes. "Nobody, duh."
Suddenly, the entire company stopped to stand stark still. It was so quiet; I could only hear the wind whistling, and Kili breathing heavily in anticipation like some puppy who'd peed on itself in excitement. Trixie had just broken the almighty Dreamboatshield Code, the rules to winning Thorin Oakenshield's heart. Rule number one: must win over the approval of Thorin's family and close friends. It wasn't like I had an abysmal amount of family and friends, either. I wondered how almost every OC broke the rule. Hello, the majority of my family was dead, and I had only two to three friends. When you had as much swajesty as me, you had to keep a tightknit circle. Never knew who was going to be jealous of me this time. Having hair like mine caused an uproar of jealousy in Dwarven clans everywhere.
Painfully, Fili mouthed to me inconspicuously, "Pearl Primrose is making us say―"
Kili finished for him monotonously, "I have never seen someone stand up to Uncle or Dwalin. How impressive." He let out a loud, irritable breath, blowing strands of hair out his face. This fic was going down the "Durin brothers want the OC" route. Was it not bad enough I had to suffer? Now my nephews did, too.
Nori snickered, not caring to muffle his laughter. Who are you laughing at? Damn criminal. Tonight, I'm going to show you why I was the one to kill Azog the Defiler―
"Is this the part where I start despising her?" Dwalin asked me, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
I nodded ruefully. Shit.
Dwalin turned toward Trixie. "You insult me because you wish you were as close to Thorin as I am. We have fought wars together, lass. Do not even try to compete." Oh, snap, you go, Dwalin, bringing up the real issues. That was why so many Thorin/OC lovers hated on BagginShield, they were always jealous of the hug at the end of the first movie. I guess they couldn't stand me and Dwalin's bromance, either. Maybe if there were more of me to go around, then we wouldn't be having these issues. I'm quite the physical specimen, you know.
Arrogantly, Trixie flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Bitch, I'm good, I'm Dwobbish." No comment.
She galloped away from us, going to stand by Fili and Kili of course. They rolled their eyes, while Bofur chuckled. Fuck Bofur and his stupid hat.
I continued to lead the group ahead, keeping my true self at bay, the person who would have banished Trixie from the group right away for disrespecting Dwalin. Did I, King Under the Mountain, really come off as "understanding of other cultures" and "sympathetic to bitches?" Hell no. How did people miss the big glaring signs that I was judgmental?
Bofur started riding next to Trixie, talking gibberish, "You know, lass, Thorin is not half bad."
"Eww! I hate him!" Trixie squealed, sticking her tongue out like those annoying Dwarflings I wanted to backhand. Some people were lucky I was a King and had standards to withheld, because if I wasn't―
"WAIT! WAIT!"
Durin's beard, could that be―
Mr. Baggins awkwardly waved his arms about, running for us with the contract in hand. My heart was pounding. I was not distressed over the fact that Mr. Baggins had refused to come. Must try to disguise my glistening eyes and the urge to smile as though I'd just seen Thranduil eaten by wargs. The corners of my lips were this close to pulling up. All right, it was time to be a fun sucker and ruin everyone's honky dory time. The company looked too excited. I didn't like that smile on Ori's face. Or on Balin's face as he examined Mr. Baggins's contract. And―Mahal―was Dwalin nearly smiling? Could he see how great this hobbit was, too? Nope. I didn't think that. Note to self: bite down on your coat tonight to get the hobbit out of your mind.
"Get him a pony," I said deliberately, loving the feel of reminding everybody that we were on a fucking quest, to take back my kingdom, and to slay that atrocity, Smaug. It didn't hurt I was going to be richer than Thranduil, either.
Bilbo―I mean Mr. Baggins since first names were too personal for muah to use―started ranting on about how he had some hobbit walk-a-thon, and how he would be fine on his feet. The hobbit's naivety was kind of endearing. Bleh. Stop it, Thorin.
Kili and Fili left the travesty's side, leading both of their ponies next to the hobbit. They scooped him up, lifting him on a pony. Mr. Baggins seemed completely out of his element, his cute nose scrunching up as he awkwardly held onto the reins at a safe distance.
Gandalf, with that naughty twinkle in his eye, collected his money for the "bet." Hmm. Interesting, wizard. You see that us, dwarves, have nothing, and are willing to take whatever money you could get in a moment's notice. Well, if I thought Gandalf was a man of respect and blah, blah, blah, then I was wrong. He was taking from a bunch of homeless dwarves. The nerve.
As we rode out, I heard Gloin talking gibberish―you know, since if yours truly wasn't speaking, then it was gibberish―from the back of the company.
"Aye, the lass will be nothing but trouble." Maybe it wasn't gibberish.
"She has a strong heart!" Ori exclaimed. Man, Ori, when were you ever going to grow a pair and stand up to the big bad bitch, Pearl Primrose, and tell her you weren't going to follow her "instructions" to defend the travesty?
Dori rolled his eyes.
Trixie whined, "Ugh, I saw you roll your eyes."
"That was the point." Sass attack from Dori. GTFO, OC. Waiting to see if Pearl Primrose deletes the futuristic slang. Nope. What a bitch. At this rate, she might compete with Dreamboatshield's Legendary List of Most Hated: Thranduil, Smaug, the Kraken―that monster stole my personality, my "Thorin's clone" love interests, all elves, and Nori―don't ask, I just despise secretive people since I was the only one who had any right to keep secrets.
"OMG, you are not one of the attractive dwarves so you don't matter!" Trixie squealed. Say what? Did Trixie ever look in a mirror? Snort.
Nori glared defiantly at Trixie for a few fleeting seconds before composing himself once again. I didn't like that look. Thranduil gave me that look before he turned his back on my burning kingdom. Damn tree shagger.
Since this was out of character, Ori merely blinked, completely silent. I mean, if we were keeping it canon, I was positive Ori and Nori probably would have knocked that ho―
"Dori, be nice," Ori murmured. Shit. Why the fuck did nobody understand the Ri brothers were the closest siblings? Everybody thought "Kili and Fili" because they're "cute," but let's be realistic. Who was always standing together? I heard crickets chirping in response. All right, I think that settled my theories on The Hobbit fandom.
I had been thinking about my last stash of cheese the entire day. It kept me sane after listening to Trixie talk gibberish: "OMG! I can't live in the Wild! I have to take a bath! I have to stay clean! You guys are so disgusting."
Seriously contemplating throttling Trixie with Bombur's braid. I could hang her from a tree from that thing, and break her scrawny neck. It was these happy thoughts that kept me going. Besides my cheese.
We set-up camp near this outcropping of rock, me being "emotionless" and "cold" as I leaned against a rocky wall, keeping a safe distance away from the group. Hmm. Why did people always mistake this for coldness? Hello, it was more like annoyance. Try listening to Bofur laughing like a hyena that smoked too much pipe weed, and tell me you wouldn't be ready to throw yourself over the side of a fucking cliff. You know, seriously wishing Dain were here so I could punch him in his big ugly nose. I couldn't believe we were cousins. Obviously, he was a part of the ugly side of the family. I think he was jealous. Always suspected it. Wasn't my fault I was a physical specimen.
I was going through the pockets inside my coat, searching for my cheese. I hadn't touched the damn thing all day. I kept searching, red spots filling my vision. It wasn't here. Where was my fucking cheese? I was going to murder all these dwarves if I didn't find my cheese. And then the answer dawned on me.
Fili and Kili were sitting together, closest to the fire, laughing at something. Oh, you think my lost cheese is funny, do you?
"FILI! KILI!" I roared, standing up to my impressive height.
They jumped, Kili scared by the doe-eyed look on his face, and Fili calmly taking my demeanor in.
Right away, they walked toward me, Kili hanging his head low. Damn right, you should be ashamed. One of the rules in the Blue Mountains was to never take Thorin Oakenshield's cheese. And I mean never.
"Yes, Uncle," Fili spoke first, staring me straight in the eye.
"WHERE IS MY CHEESE?" I bellowed.
Kili was open-mouthed, shaking his head. "What cheese―"
I interrupted, "DO NOT PLAY GAMES WITH ME! YOU STOLE MY CHEESE, TRYING TO PLAY A 'JOKE' ON ME. I KNOW IT!" I stomped my boot in the ground, Kili jumping back in horror.
Fili sighed calmly, "Uncle, we were not aware you even had cheese."
My nostrils were flaring, body shaking, and temperature rising fast. I was about to go "Kraken" on them. An animalistic growl was torn from my throat as I clenched my fists, but then―
"Thorin."
It was Nori, hands behind his back as he slowly approached us. What business of it was for a low-life criminal to come prancing into Durin family matters?
"What?" I snapped.
"May I have a word with you in private?" No!
"Yes." I nodded curtly, trying to control myself, but all I could imagine was Kili stuffing his fat face full of my cheese and Fili laughing, cheering Kili on like they were in some ale drinking contest.
I stormed away from the group, Nori behind me. We stood as far away from the company as we could, the rocky wall behind us.
"Speak," I ordered, tempted to call him a "peasant." My swajesty didn't have the time for this. I needed to find my cheese.
"My King," Nori started reluctantly, eyes flickering toward the group, "I saw something today that will explain your missing cheese." Now this was interesting.
I could hardly control my eagerness as I asked, "What did you see?"
"I saw―" Nori broke off, eyes honing in on Trixie, who was forcing herself between Fili and Kili― "the lass steal your cheese. Under other circumstances, I would have thought she only stole because she was starving, but she clearly is not. We are well-stocked in food, which means she was stealing for the―joy in it or to be malicious. My majesty, I do not want to speak out of term, but I suggest―" Nori took a step closer, whispering― "we banish her from the company." Of course, he would be an expert on the different motives and types of thievery.
I clenched my fists tight, resisting the primal urge to strangle Trixie. I leered at her, rage burning through me. Just as I nodded, deciding it was time to "oust" the travesty, I got a memo from upstairs, you know, from Pearl Primrose. Trixie waved at me one second, and then looked like a banshee the next when she did this strange gesture with her arms. She sent one forearm over the crook of her elbow, one arm shooting upwards, while the other shot right. What the hell was that?
"If we were not in a fanfiction, I would oust her this very second," I growled dangerously.
"Of course, my King." Nori bowed. "I will give you much-needed privacy to ponder your decision." He walked away, heading over to Dori and Ori. I saw him sit between his brothers, fleetingly leering at Trixie before his face transformed into neutral territory.
I went to leave my spot as Fili and Kili were attempting to "scare" poor Bilbo, battling my confrontational canon characteristics that Pearl Primrose was moderating. Dwalin suddenly stepped in front of me, suspiciously venturing a glance at Nori. Did he notice the dwarf was creepy, too?
"I saw something fascinating today," Dwalin began cynically, crossing his arms over his chest. "Nori had cheese crumbs on his beard."
I was open-mouthed, feeling as though my hobbit had just told me he―nope, stop thinking of Mr. Baggins's bountiful back―
"He did now, did he?" That piece of vile filth. I would banish him away to live with elves, and show him never to cross King Under the Mountain ever again. Nori could hold Thranduil's manhood while he shagged trees.
"Yes, which means―"
We both fell silent as we peered from the Ri brothers to Trixie. Dwalin and I were bros who didn't say much. We could just read each other's minds half the time. That drove millions of girls into insane jealously, and to write fanfictions where Dwalin was a "rapist" or "bully." But we had stumbled upon the same conclusion: Nori had tried to trick me into thinking Trixie was a thief, so she could be banished. I was torn between patting Nori on the back and tossing him off the Carrock―wait, I was not supposed to be aware of the Carrock. The nerve of him to make petty attempts to deceive muah, King Under the Mountain. Nori holding Thranduil's manhood was starting to look better and better.
As I watched Nori, though, I hated the sense of pride I felt. This Dwarf was undoubtedly loyal to his kin no matter what, even capable of defying Pearl Primrose. Damn Nori for making me feel wishy-washy. It was time to start being Big Bad Kraken, and to squash Kili and Fili's "hee-hees" and "ha-has" like a fucking boss. I left the rocky outcrop, thundering toward my nephews to bring the war hammer down.
Author's Note: Thank you for the anonymous reviews! I wish I could respond over PM. Also thanks to Borys68, Laora, and the awesome CeffylGwyn. I will be attempting to include the other dwarves of the company in this story, to encourage others that it's okay to play with them, too :) I usually notice people shy away from Nori because they don't know what to make of him, but that's the fun of it: he seems unpredictable, you know? So for this update, I will recommend Anna Dressed in Blood by Kendare Blake. It is YA horror; I repeat horror, about a ghost-busting dude named Cas, who moves to this new town to hunt down the infamous Anna Dressed in Blood ghost. It has a Buffy the Vampire Slayer feel for Buffy fans. I'm going to try to do a different YA genre from my last recommendation, which will probably be hard for me, but I'll try my best :) Now for song, I'm going with "Come on Eileen" by Dexys Midnight Runners. Kili would so like this song.
I hope you peeps review, follow, or favorite. Every time you review, a new Dwobbish will be born.