AN: . I don't speak Japanese, yet I've done my best to research the words I've used, and to use them properly, or as they are used in the anime-manga. If I've used anything incorrectly please let me know. I hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think of this story. Feedback always makes me write faster. Thanks to danielitar89, gab Hyatt, and Arwey for telling me that they liked the first part, I hope you'll enjoy this one as well. And to Arwey, I totally know what you mean about all the AU fics. A lot of them are good stories, but it's just not quite the same as fanfics set in the world the characters were created for.
Oh, and I forgot to say this in the first part. This is set after the Kyoto arc of the series (after season 2, season 3 has not started), and refers to events in the series only. Although I've started reading the manga and in some ways like it more, I'm fairly certain most people are more familiar with the series so I will be using that.
This fic is rated M for mature themes, and will probably end up with some lemon stuff. If you are underage please go enjoy some of the other wonderful stories on this site.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters.
Chapter 2 –Fumeiyo (Shame)
They walked side by side, but there might as well have been miles between them. Kaoru coasted slowly forward, her face a blank mask, her eyes never straying left or right. Kenshin attempted to speak to her once or twice, but she never even acknowledged that he was there. They walked for nearly an hour, but with the sun already set it was growing too dark for them to safely navigate through the forest, and they were still several miles from the dojo. Although not a great distance, it would take a long time to navigate the dark forest, and one of them could easily be hurt.
"Kaoru-dono, we need to stop for the night." Kenshin said quietly as they approached a small, grass-covered grove. A small creek ran through it, and it was the best place to spend the night he had seen so far. "It's too dark to move safely through these woods, that it is."
Although she still didn't speak, Kaoru stopped walking.
"We can stay here for the night, and head back to the dojo at sunrise." Kenshin continued, concerned by her behavior. "Sessha is sorry the others will be worried all night, but there is no other way."
Kaoru turned her head slightly to face him and nodded. He could see pain in her eyes, yet her face remained blank and she still didn't speak. He couldn't imagine what had happened during the day to turn his normally bubbly, happy Kaoru into this empty shell. He walked into the grove quietly, hearing her following him, and sat down near the center of it, setting his sword on the ground beside him.
A moment passed, and Kaoru knelt a few feet away from him. "Arigatō." She whispered after a moment. "Thank you for saving me."
"Sessha is glad he could find you." Kenshin said just as softly. "Do you want a fire? Or anything else?"
"A fire would be nice." She said after a minute. It was as if it was taking her brain a very long time to process things. "And I'd like to clean up some, in the creek."
"That should help you to feel better, that it should." Kenshin replied. "Sessha will go to get some wood, and there will be a fire when you get back."
Kaoru nodded and rose, walking to the creek at the edge of the clearing as Kenshin went to get wood. Despite the previous night's rain, he found enough dry wood to keep a fire going until sunrise. Kneeling with his back carefully to the creek, he made a small circle of rocks, pulled out the grass within the circle, and built a small fire.
Kaoru returned just as he finished, kneeling across the fire from him and staring into it.
"Kaoru-dono should try to sleep." Kenshin said after a few minutes had passed, "Sessha will watch over her."
Kaoru looked up from the fire then, into his face. Their eyes locked for a moment, and he thought she was about to say something, but then she simply nodded, moved a few feet from the fire, and lay down. She curled onto her side, back to him, and cradled her head on one arm.
Kenshin cast his senses out, alert for anyone who might be near, but he sensed no one. Drawing his knees up in front of him, he rested his forehead on them for a moment, letting out a sigh of relief. He'd never been more panicked than when he'd realized she'd been kidnapped, and although some of that had faded when he found her, he was still alarmed about how she was behaving.
He'd thought about Tomoe just a few days ago, his mind comparing her and Kaoru as he tried to sleep. They were the only two women he'd cared for in his life, and it amazed him how different they were. Tomoe had cooked and sewn, rarely raised her voice; basically she had been the type of woman men were told they should want. And he had. She'd been exactly what he needed at that time in his life.
Kaoru did little of what was considered women's work, practiced martial arts the way men did, and was often loud and difficult to understand. Compared to the quiet reserve and calmness of his first wife, who had been like a gentle breeze most of the time, she was more like a hurricane. One that could change paths for no predictable reason, and could change in an eyeblink.
Yet he didn't like her despite that, but because of it. She was always so full of energy, always ready to do anything for her friends, and her seize the day way of living was part of what allowed him to smile each day, rather than sinking under all the guilt piled on his shoulders. She was one of the most amazing people he'd ever known, and her acceptance of him brought him a little closer to forgiveness and had also become a driving force in his life, because he couldn't imagine ever letting her down. Yet she was so far from being that person at the moment that he felt he didn't know her.
Kenshin's head whipped up as he heard Kaoru sob in her sleep. She'd rolled onto her back, and now began to shake back and forth, obviously in the grip of a nightmare. Moving to her quickly, Kenshin laid a hand on her shoulder. "It's alright, Kaoru, you're safe." He said quietly, preparing to wake her.
Yet at either his touch or his voice, he wasn't sure which, her body stopped quivering and her whimpering stopped. She was still asleep, yet he could swear she whispered his name. "Everything is fine now, Kaoru-dono, that it is." He kept his hand on her shoulder as he spoke to her, and felt her relaxing.
Yet as he went silent and started to move away, she let out another cry that sounded like his name, and rolled onto her side into a little ball.
"Kaoru, what happened to you?" He breathed, so quietly he knew she wouldn't hear him. His heart broke as he watched her continue to shake, and he ignored the dozen objections in his head and lay down behind her, putting an arm tenderly around her waist. Propping himself up on his other arm, he began speaking gently, telling her a story that he'd read to Ayame and Suzume just the other night. His voice and his presence comforted her, and she slept calmly.
After he finished the story, he lay there quietly, listening to her breath. He kept telling himself that he should move away, that she was fine now, but he couldn't make himself move. Telling himself it was because he didn't want her nightmares to start again was true, but only the beginning.
He wanted to hold her. He needed to hold her.
He wanted to breath in the sweet jasmine scent of her hair and know that she was safe. And, as always, her presence comforted him, and he drifted gently to sleep, his arm still around her waist.
Kaoru awoke as the sun rose, yet couldn't open her eyes. There was a presence behind her, and fear and panic began to rise. She stayed frozen for a moment, inhaling the scent of sandalwood. Kenshin. A part of her mind realized this was Kenshin, his scent a comforting, familiar thing. His arm was around her waist, his breathing soft in her ear, and for an instant she let everything slip away in the safe feeling she always had when around him. Then her memories of the previous day came flooding back, and she remembered what she had to do.
She slowly, quietly eased out from under his arm, all the while telling herself that this was impossible, there was no way she could slip away from the legendary samurai and his excellent senses. Yet somehow she did so, and she stood just as carefully. "Aishiteru, Kenshin." She said in a voice lower than a whisper, then moved towards the creek.
Kaoru stood for a moment looking down into the slowly flowing water, then gradually knelt down and reached her hand into the thick grass and pulled out the dagger she'd taken from the hermit's house the night before. After what had happened there, her heart was so full of shame that she could do nothing but raise it.
Kenshin had awoken the instant she'd begun to move out of his arms, but feigned sleep. Something in her chi was different this morning; there was a kind of dark purpose he'd never sensed in her before. He heard her whispered words, and a single tear slid silently down his cheek. He'd never thought he'd have anyone tell him they loved him ever again. He heard her move away then, and strained his ears as he heard to move towards the creek. There was silence for a moment, and then he heard her voice again.
"Father, mother, I have brought shame to our family. That which was most precious to me, which should have been mine to give only to the man I loved, has been taken from me. I cannot live with this. I cannot tell the man I love of my shame. I ask that you take me into your embrace." Kaoru closed her eyes, pictured her parents face's in her mind for a moment, and prepared to bring the dagger down into her heart.
"Sessha would be sad if you did this."
Kaoru's eyes flew open, and she spun around to see Kenshin standing a few feet away, a few tears trailing down his face. "How long have you been there?" Her voice sounded like a lost child's.
"I heard everything Kaoru-dono said." Kenshin quietly replied, kneeling beside her and putting his hand over hers on the knife. His heart was both breaking and burning. It took everything he had to not charge back to the hermit's hut and kill the man for what he'd done to her. He now understood every move she'd made since he found her. "But you should not do this, that you should not."
"I don't have a choice." Kaoru replied. "I cannot live with this shame in my heart."
"You wish to die?" He asked, curiously calm.
She looked puzzled. "Well, I don't want to, but…there is no other choice."
"I have a choice right now." Kenshin said quietly, a flash of gold briefly coming into his eyes. "I can go kill the man who ra…" He couldn't even say the word, "who hurt you, or I can stay here and be with you. You are more important to me than anything, so I am here with you."
Kaoru's eyes widened that he could say that, even knowing what had happened to her. She didn't see how any man could understand how she felt.
"You also have a choice, Kaoru-san." His voice turned tender, his eyes locked on hers as he saw tears begin to slide down her cheeks. "You can hand that yarō your life, or you can go on living. You can let him steal your life as he stole your innocence, or you can show that you're stronger than him. If you choose living, I would share a story with you. I should have told you before, but I never wanted my past to touch you. I never wanted cruelty and betrayal to be something you learned about. I'm certain that you don't think I can understand how you feel, and in a way you are correct, for none can truly understand something they haven't experienced. Yet I think you understand me better than anyone, and there is much you don't know about the events that made me who I am."
Kaoru could only stare at him as he spoke. He'd never opened up about anything in his past, and now he was offering to tell her everything. Yet to hear it, she would have to choose shame over escape. She looked deeply into his eyes as he spoke, and when he went silent, watching her quietly, she stared at him for a bit longer before her gaze trailed down to the dagger still in her hand.
Live with shame, or escape into death. Neither actually appealed to her, yet she had to make a choice. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
Glossary…Aishiteru : I love you
Arigatō : Thank you
-dono : Kenshin's overly polite way of addressing women. Although the dubs and subs always translate it as simply Miss, it's much more formal than that. It was most commonly used to address a liege lord or lady.
Konnichi wa : Hello
-san : Mr., Mrs., or Miss., this is the form friends would use with each other.
Sessha : A very humble way samurai spoke of themselves. The best translation I've found is "this unworthy person." It's a word used instead of simply saying "I;" at some times it can translate as I, yet at others it translates only as a third-person noun. In the series, Kenshin almost always refers to himself this way, except when he's being the Battousai.
Yarō : Bastard, sort of. (AN: This one is weird. When you look up "bastard" in the English part of the dictionary, you get two words. One for an illegitimate child, and another, yarō, which is says means a despicable person. Yet if you look up yarō in the Japanese language, it says it's slang for a guy, with a secondary meaning of "rascal." If anyone could clear this up I'd love to learn.)