She tried, she did, but tonight wasn't one of those where she could lie still. Beside her Jean was snoring softly, brow creased as it always was when he dreamt, and hands fisted in the sheets. On his worse nights he would shout and murmur, but mostly he just muttered and curled up, rigid against himself. She didn't know where to begin to approach him like that.

She slipped out of bed, smoothing down the light cotton pyjamas. Their room was small enough, that she could tip toe to the door in five short strides, though a titan stomp wouldn't have woken him really.

He was on his way. The thought swam around and around until there was nothing but that and a small tremble deep in her gut. She walked by instinct down to the training yard in her bare feet, careful of the stones and debris that stuck out of the dirt. The moon was high and in a few days would be full, and by its light she could make out the guards at the gates, and past them the jagged angles of rooftops painted black by shadows.

The training dummy looked sad, there was no other description. It was patched with twine and straps of leather, and the straw had been stuffed back in but one good wack would splinter him in to ten or more pieces. She ran a hand over the rough wood of his arm. 'Seen better days, haven't you.' She sighed. She wasnt sure what she was training for still.

'Mikasa.'

She spun around to spot Hange, more and more gaunt these days, limping across the courtyard. Like Mikasa, she had slung her cloak over her pyjamas, and the pair looked more or less ready for battle. The thin white cotton would do nothing for the bite of the harness, but it couldn't be any more restrictive than the white shirt.

'Out for a stroll?'

The young woman shook her head, glancing back to the dummy. 'Afraid I can't sleep.'

'Ah.' Hange smiled, tapping her chin with a lithe finger. 'The old love returns.'

Mikasa's pale cheeks flushed red as she spun to face the commander. 'It wasn't like that!' Her protest rang in her ears, loud and dumb.

'No? What a shame.'

'Tch.'

'Oh come on Mikasa, youve been wound up all week waiting for him to stomp back in to your life.'

The younger woman gave a sad smile. 'I don't hate him, Zoe.'

'You can love and hate someone, Ackerman,' Hange sighed. 'But you'd have to be mad to think it wasn't love.'

Mikasa groaned, leaning back and pinching the bridge of her nose. 'It wasn't... God Hange, it wasn't like that and you know it.'

After a moment of scrutiny, the commander let her shoulders drop in a shrug. 'Alright, Mikasa. I believe you.'

'Good.'

'But lying to yourself is unhealthy.'

Eren's hands on her elbows seem suddenly too tight as his lips hover too close to hers. She ignores the pinch and leans forward, brow furrowed with determination. They pull apart and blink at each other, both wide eyed and pink at the cheeks.

They are in a dusty corner of the barracks, and the occasional voice flits past but no one comes in to the surplus room, that contains nothing but empty boxes and a few research papers. Unless they're trying to work out kissing, that is.

His lips break in to a grin, and he leans forward again, only this time it's not as brief or rigid. She moans as he pulls away and grabs on to his shirt, but he only laughs breathlessly and shakes his head. 'Kissing is weird.' He whispers.

She nods, but weird doesn't make her stomach flip like this does it? 'It was better than I expected.' She admits, reaching to touch her own warm lips. 'Have you done it before?' Her tone is conversational, but inside her heart is ticking unevenly.

'No.' His green eyes narrow. 'Have you?'

She laughs softly. 'No, Eren. I haven't.'

He nods and moves his hands down to her waist, watching her expression carefully as he licks his lips. 'Good. Is this okay?'

She blinks once. Twice. 'Yes, that's okay.'

'Good.' He frowns at nothing in particular, and then he kisses her agan.

When he finally rode through the gates, the sun was almost setting. A young man was rushing forward to take his horse while an equally eager girl was rushing to fetch Commander Zoë. He was as pleasant as needed to them, but his attention fixed on the man at the steps, who's gaze narrowed and darkened with Eren's every move.

'Jean,' he nodded once his boots were firmly on the ground.

They stared at each other for a few moments, before Jean clasped Eren's forearm with a grin. 'You look like shit.'

'You're no better. Spend all night at the whore house? Bags under your eyes are bigger than my saddlebag.'

A huff slipped through Jeans lips but he only shook his head. 'There are some things you need to know Eren.'

He had no doubt. He also had no doubt that what kept Jean awake was the same thing that kept all of them awake, the memories and regrets, the lives lost at a bad decisions, or the people who still couldn't be saved by a good one. 'Later. Where's Armin.' It felt strange not asking for her since he'd thought of little else on the ride, but his tongue kept still.

All the same Jean waited, and when he realised there would be no question he gave his prepared answer anyway. 'She's as broken up as you about it, you know.'

'Oh I'm sure she is.' Eren snapped. 'Armin?'

'He's in with Hange at the moment. Mikasa's there too.' Jean would be lying if he said Eren's flinch at her name wasn't rewarding.

'Where?'

'The Western hall. Hange's quarters suffered some fire damage a few weeks back so she's taken up residence...'

'Fire damage?'

'Dont ask.' They smiled, and for a moment any shadows under their eyes seemed lifted. They could have been two boys again, laughing at anything, arguing about things that didn't matter. It didn't last.

Something hard and fast clomped on to Eren, and it took everything in him to stay upright. His muscles tensed and he swung it off, but just before he could strike Jean had intercepted, grabbing Sasha by the arm and pulling her out of his way. 'Can't you just say hello like everyone else you twit?' He laughed, dropping her hand and smiling apologetically to Eren.

Sasha beamed. Her skin was toasted at the cheeks and nose, and she was all teeth and giant eyes as she seized him again around the neck, squeezing him tightly. 'Oi, Eren! We're so glad you came!'

'Sasha.' He patted her about the shoulders and tried not to push her off. 'Where's the hubby, huh?'

'Oh, him?' She let him drop and stepped back, looking around the courtyard before shrugging nonchalantly. 'I don't know. Making the most of his last few days of freedom I guess.'

'Like you, eh?' Jean nudged her playfully, and before she could retort he held up his palm. 'Kidding.'

'Good. I'd rather Mikasa didn't murder me a few days before my wed...' She stopped, colour draining from her face as her head turned to Eren. 'Ding.'

He blinked, looked to Jean, then blinked again. This time Jean seemed to hold himself taller, jutting out his chin. He held his gaze, unflinching, but the little sigh was not unnoticed. Carefully, Jean spoke. 'I would rather have told you myself, but...'

'Yeah. Yeah I suppose...' Eren shrugged. 'It's fine.'

'Good.'

They turned to Sasha, who was eyeing them both as if they might explode any second.

'So, Potato girl.' Eren smirks. 'Fancy telling me all about it over food?'

'About...' Sasha raised an eyebrow.

'You and Springer.' He felt exhausted, and they'd only been speaking for a few moments.

'Oh. Sure. Hope you brought your appetite Titan boy.'

Jean winced, but Eren seemed to take it in his stride, sparing the other man a sly smile as he was walked off by Sasha in the direction of the kitchen. He found himself gritting his teeth when a young boy with blonde curls and a gap between his two front teeth big enough to fit a thumb told him Captain Ackerman wanted to see him in her quarters.

She is bloody from head to foot, but she's standing tall, and her face gives nothing away even as she walks over body after body. Ahead, he stands with his back to her, blood across his back steaming in the evening haze. His fists are at his sides, but his knuckles are white and his whole body is trembling. She doesnt speak, just stops a few yards away, bracing herself.

Some of the faces scattered around are familiar. Most belong to strangers, civilians or soldiers stuck in the wrong place, but one or two stir her memory, a snatch of conversation at the beginning of the day, or a scouting legion rookie who would look at her with pure adoration or seething jealousy as she trained. The three of them were humanities greatest weapons, and all they had managed to save today was rubble.

A few feet from Eren, a woman lay glassy eyes and staring at the pink hued sky, blood trailing down her chin, from her ears nose and mouth. She had been crushed, trapped from the waist down, and it was their fault. Their plan that had killed all these people.

'Eren.' She is surprised when her voice doesn't waver.

He looks back over his broad shoulder, eyes fixing her with clear hostility. Without turning he speaks. 'Where were you, Mikasa?' The venom in his voice is slightly masked by the Tremor.

She knows it's not an answer he needs. He is aware of where she was. 'My orders were to protect you, Eren.'

He turns then, and fury does not describe it. 'So to do that you let hundreds die? You abandoned Sasha and Krista. You abandoned your post...'

'Don't tell me what I already know.' There's a shake in her own voice but false calmness masks it. 'Erwin relieved me of my...'

'He's dead, Mikasa. He's fucking dead.'

The sounds of the wounded carry on the wind, and even though she is still, her skin prickles with goosebumps. 'I would be too.' She swallows, because it's hard to express regret when she knows it was the right decision. 'If I wasn't with you the plan would have failed.' And all this would have been for nothing, she adds mentally.

Thats part of the reason, he thinks, that he's so angry. If he hadn't needed her their friends would still be alive. Sasha and Krista were lost somewhere in the rubble, though Erwin had been found already. The bulk of their squad, mostly rookies, were gone too. If she had been with them and not him...

'I'm sorry I didn't leave you to die Eren!' She finally shouts, and it's unlike her, but the day has been long and he should be happy, this is everything he's ever wanted but he doesn't see it for the rubble.

He turns, green eyes fierce and teeth bared at her. He's bloody, the marks are still red around his face and his nose is leaking. 'You've no heart if you think my life's worth all of theirs.'

She sees them moving before he does, three figures leaning on each other, three friends who have sought them out, but he's too busy trying to hurt her that she can't even speak.

'And what was the point of me saving you if you're already dead inside Mikasa? If you've always been dead inside...'

'Eren!' Armin's voice cuts through the air, and he helps lower Krista to the ground. At the other side of the unconscious princess, Sasha Blouse, bloody and dusty but very alive, is panting heavily.

Armin straightens himself up, and God he looks tired, but he's still got the energy to look furious. 'Mikasa followed her orders. She's the only reason you stood long enough to finish this, so you...' His eyes narrow, and he looks less like himself than ever before. 'You shut the fuck up and thank her.'

She supposes she should be thankful, but she only feels worse as Eren's shoulders sink and he turns his back to her again. It's entirely possible she has damaged his spine, even with his titan blood it's not healing. She feels numb, or like every nerve in her body is on fire. It's difficult to tell.

Jean let his cloak drop before stopping her, catching her by the wrists and trying to push her away. 'Mikasa...' He tries but she shakes him off, and her lips, soft and needy, are on his again, fingers pulling at his shirt. 'Stop!' He grunted and she stumbled back, touching her lips as if she's been burnt. 'Just stop alright.'

She stood there for a moment, dark eyes glazed and cheeks flushed, until finally she met his gaze.

'I told you when this started I'm not going to be your distraction. I'm not a replacement.'

She nodded, letting her tense shoulders drop.

'So tell me, should I be worried?'

'Jean?' She frowned, stepping forward to reach for his hand. 'It's not like that.'

'Okay, Mikasa. I trust you but...' He paused, only to smile and press a kiss to the corner of her mouth. 'You've been kind of crazy, so can you see where im coming from?'

'I understand.' She nodded. 'And you have nothing to worry about.'