*Disclaimer: We own nothing! We do not own the characters of Twilight or the plot. Stephenie Meyer has all ownership. This is intended to make people laugh hysterically until they cry. No copyright infringement intended.

Chapter 2: Itching For Love

As Edward yanked on his pants, Bella pulled up her pants while creepily watching him put on his pants.

Edward walked over to the bathroom mirror and smiled at his reflection.

"I'm so hot," mumbled Edward.

Bella overheard this and rolled her eyes. As she was heading toward the bathroom door, she turned to him and said, "I CANNOT believe I just did that! What was I thinking?"

"I know what you were thinking," Edward said.

"What," Bella asked.

"You were thinking of my genitals," Edward said with a grin.

Bella slapped his arm lightly and said, "Oh, you."

They walked out of the bathroom and Edward stared at her as she stared at him.

Silence passed between them for some time.

Edward cleared his throat. Bella fiddled with her keys.

Then some more silence happened.

"Well," Bella said.

"Well," Edward replied.

"Thanks?"

"Uhh….you're welcome?" replied Edward.

Bella starts to walk out of the hardware store and heads toward her truck. She gets inside and starts the truck. As she's driving away toward her apartment, Edward watches her leave.

"I wonder what I should have for supper," he said. "Oh, wait. I'm a vampire. I drink the blood of humans."

The old man with a cane who walked in on them having sex narrowed his eyes at Edward and shook his head. When Edward noticed that the old man was staring at him, he winked at him and walked out of the hardware store.

The next day, Bella is going for a jog in the park. She is listening to some music by Handel for inspiration for her next recital as she looks at her surroundings.

As she is running, she spots a familiar face reading a newspaper. The newspaper slowly lowers as Bella comes to a halt. Edward's face peeks out and says, "Oh. Hello there."

Bella looks shocked and says, "What are you doing here? Are you stalking me?"

Edward says in a low voice, "Do you want me to stalk you?"

Bella laughs nervously and says, "I don't know. Would you like to?"

Edward giggled and said "Maybe."

Bella decides to ignore him and starts jogging again. Edward puts down his newspaper and starts jogging beside her.

Bella looks over and says, "What are you doing?"

Edward says, "Going for a jog."

Bella says, "Yeah, but why?"

Edward says, "I felt like it."

"Well, go away. I'm busy."

Edward says, "I'd rather be busy in your pants."

Bella blushes and starts jogging faster. As she realizes her shoe lace on her left foot starts to get loose, she stops to bend down and tie it.

Edward stops jogging and stands to where his crotch is right by her face. "Don't mind if I do," says Edward.

Bella looks up and see his crotch. "Pffffftt."

Edward says, "Well. I'm waiting."

Bella screeched, "NOT HERE! We're in public! I'm not going to do that. What am I, you're harlot?"

Edward says, "Oh. Well, I was hoping you're going to tie my shoe as well."

Bella smiles and says, "Oh. …..Right."

As she stands up, she turns to walk away and trips over a random branch in the middle of the sidewalk that somebody put there to trip somebody up.

Edward quickly catches her with each hand on each of her breasts.

"Are you okay," Edward asks.

"I don't know," Bella said, as she removes his hands.

"Well, what can we do about it if you don't know," Edward asked.

Bella looks at him and then looks at a bush. Then she looks at him and looks at the bush again. She smirks and Edward says, "Oh! What happened to "we're in public! I'm not going to do that."

She said, "Well, life is short and your penis is long."

Edward giggles softly. Bella jogs over to the tree where Edward then holds her hands above her head and kisses her hard.

She returns the kiss with a moan as he attacks her neck with his lips.

"Yessssssssss," hisses Bella like a snake.

Edward mutters, "MINE!"

Bella starts to pull down her jogging shorts and panties as Edward unzips his zipper, revealing hard member.

She looks at him and says "Wait."

"What?"

Bella glances up at the tree and says, "I think you know what I'm thinking."

Edward looks at her and says, "Oh. What?"

Bella whispers, "Follow me."

Bella starts to climb the tree as Edward stares at her confusingly and does the same.

As they reach the top, Bella straddles the branch. Edward sits down in front of her and puts his member in her.

They both rock like they are in a rocking chair.

"Oh yeah! Rock out with your….with your penis out," cries Bella.

Edward grunts in reply.

As they continue rocking, Bella realizes she's about to climax. As Edward ejaculates inside of her vagina, Bella moans and follows suit.

As they finish, she looks down at the ground and gets scared.

"How are we supposed to get down," she said in a small voice.

"Don't worry about it, babe. I got this," Edward replied. "Hop on my back."

"What," Bella asked.

"Just do what I say."

"Okay then…"

Bella climbs on his back, wraps her legs around his torso and holds on to his neck.

As Edward jumps, Bella screams. They fall at lightning speed. Edward lands on his feet with kitty-like reflexes.

"What…what just happened," Bella said shakily.

"I'm a vampire," Edward said.

"Oh, okay. That's cool!"

As Edward redresses himself, Bella puts on her undergarments and shorts.

They start to walk off toward Bella's truck. Bella starts itching her buttocks and said, "Oooo! Why am I so itchy?"

Edward starts to itch his legs and says, "I don't know."

Bella starts itching as she's walking and says, "I can't take it anymore! Pull down my shorts and look at my buttocks."

As Edward pulls down her shorts in the middle of the park parking lot, he sees a red rash on both of her cheeks.

"Oh," says Edward.

"What is it?"

"Ivy of poison," says Edward.

"Ohh nooo," Bella says. "Scratchhh me!"

"All righty then," Edward said with a grin.

He starts to scratch her buttocks with his vampire nails. She gasps in surprise. She realizes that she likes to be scratched.

"Ohhhh," Bella moans. "That's. Awesome."

"Yeah, you like that?"

"YEAH BABY," Bella cries out. "HARDER."

"As you command, m'lady."

Edward scratches her harder with his hands and starts to make her have another orgasm with his itching.

Bella's legs start to shake where she feels as if she is climaxing, but without her genitals were being stimulated.

She releases a long moan as her walls start to contract with pleasure. As she finishes her orgasm, Bella sighs in relief.

"What just happened," Bella asked.

"Well, because I'm a vampire, I can make anyone orgasm by doing anything."

"Oh," Bella said. "Okay."

A/N: Readers, a few updates have been made to chapter 1. Be sure to add this story to your story alerts so you can be notified when a new chapter is posted!

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With Love,

Faded Galaxia & BroadwayNightOwl