Futaba hooked up the DVD player to the TV downstairs in LeBlanc as Ryuji shifted the sign on the door to 'Closed.' "Okay, we're all set up! Go home, Sojiro."
"You can't just close my restaurant, you realize," Sojiro said.
"I have to. We need a TV for important stuff, man! This is crucial. CRUCIAL!"
"And you needed to kick out all my customers?"
"First of all, you only have like, ten people who eat here," Futaba said.
"I'm sorry, Boss," Makoto said. "If it makes you feel better, we're all being held hostage. And no, this really isn't… public. We wouldn't want your clientele to see it."
"I wouldn't want me to see it," Akira muttered.
"You guys! Shut up! It's on!" Futaba squealed. "Sojiro, go home, seriously. You're too wizened and ancient to watch this sort of thing."
"I liked you better when you were shy, kiddo," Sojiro said. "Well, I guess I can… … … why don't those men have any pants."
Akira sighed, as on the screen Shakira was defeated in a 'penis duel' by Shshido, falling to his knees and proceeding to… well, apparently when you lost a penis duel there were consequences for your mouth.
"Japan! Japaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" Shshido screamed, thrusting.
"You know, kids, when I was your age, I went out and played with my friends. Went to the batting cages. Saw a movie. I didn't sit around watching gay porn," Sojiro said mildly. He then put on a pot of coffee. "Anyone want curry?"
"I don't think I'll ever be eating again, thanks," Akira said, watching as a middle-aged sociopath politician had his way with him. And you'd better believe that was something he'd never expected to have to be embarrassed by.
From there, things achieved a certain level of sanity thank God. Shakira was blamed for a horrible bruise Shshido acquired during the oddly enthusiastic threesome between him and his two victims (was it still rape if they said they were being forced but didn't actually try to get away, and in fact pinned their rapist down at one point to double-team him?) and sent to the big city. Once there, he joined his new guardian Shsojiro and was informed he'd be attending Shovedin Academy while he was on 'sexual probation.' For a long, painful few minutes, Akira wondered if maybe this was going to be less terrible than first expected.
On the first day of school, Shakira walked up the street to find a woman standing out in the rain… or more realistically, in the stream of water which was meant to look like rain, but was in fact clearly coming off a hose. Oh, and she was only wearing a white t-shirt. As in only. And judging by her blonde hair (which was actually closer to the yellow of a crayon, and was actually washing out in the water and running down her face), she was meant to be…
"Oh, curse mine vengeful beauty! Alas, for my exotic looks draw in all who see me, condemning me to an endless storm of jealousy and condemnation from mine own peers! Alas and woe is me, the wondrous beauty known only as Shann Shtakamaki!" she cried out, her tone indicating she thought she was Lady MacBeth, as opposed to mostly naked and being sprayed down in public.
"WHAT?!" Ann shrieked.
"Well. At least your actress is putting the effort in?" Akira said.
"Why, I think she's… erm… just as good an actor as you are!" Haru said, diplomatically.
"SHE'S NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET FOR NO REASON!"
"That just seems to be how people in this world are," Makoto said. "At least she isn't… oh no."
"Hey there, you two. Who wants to take a ride to school?" Asked a large, unspeakably sleazy-looking man as he drove up to them in a windowless van. He was sweating profusely and about twenty pounds overweight, but that was okay because he was also very hairy. "I, Shsuguru Shkamoshida, am always willing to get all up in the student body. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."
"Verily, for I have no choice, but to indulge thine foul lusts, knave!" Shann said, leaping into the front seat of the man's car and immediately disappearing below the window. The sound of someone's pants unzipping could be heard. "Know that though I gazeth upon thine wang and even take it into mine very own mouth, I bear thee only hate, cursed sensei! A pox 'pon thee!"
"Shit. Queen, grab her, we can't lose another TV!" Futaba said, and Makoto tackled Ann before she could get her shoe off.
"Let me go! Let me go! I'll kill them all!" Ann snarled.
"On the bright side, they actually made Kamoshida look on the outside how he does on the inside?" Ryuji pointed out.
"And I had to have weird dominance threesomes with Shido. You don't get to complain," Akira said.
Shkamoshida smiled, and the expression made everyone feel slightly worse about life. "How about you, young man? I'm a very hands on teacher, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" He paused. "I have SEX with the STUDENTS."
"Subtle, that one," Sae said.
Shakira sighed. "Well, that's not really! Appropriate for a teacher! But sure!" And took off his pants.
"For fuck's sake!" Akira snarled, reaching for his one remaining shoe. Ryuji tackled him before he could get it off.
"Yeah, porn in my day wasn't nearly this violent," Sojiro said mildly.
"WAIT! YOU SHOULDN'T GO IN THAT CAR! HE IS SEEKING TO EXPLOIT YOU!" screamed someone who had maybe the loudest voice in the history of time. It made Shakira's general shouting and improper pacing seem like minor concerns, an atom bomb against a firecracker. It was so loud, honestly, that it seemed to be coming from an entirely different film, one that was playing on a giant movie screen with speakers the size of trucks.
"Oh, no," Ryuji said, mournfully as he twisted Akira's arm behind his back to keep him from struggling for his shoes.
"I thought the fact he openly said he has sex with his students was a hint of the exploitation without all the screaming," Haru said. "And the fact Ann is actually… you know… doing stuff."
"HSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Ann said.
"Sorry, I meant to say Shann."
"You guys, stop talking. It's getting better!" Futaba squealed as…
The student who walked into the scene was, as with Shann, not wearing exactly the standard uniform. He struck a striking figure to be sure, but Akira doubted that an open leather vest and assless chaps were anything you would traditionally see at any Japanese school. Or if it was, that school would be a really odd one. But he had the blonde hair (if even more obviously fake than Shann's, to the point it was almost green) and he-
"I'M SHRYUJI SHSAKAMOTO, THE DELINQUENT OF THE SCHOOL! HELLS YEAH!" he screamed. "LET ME SHARE WITH YOU THE TRUTH OF THE SCHOOL, BEEYATCHES! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!"
"Ow," Yusuke said mildly, plugging his ears. "I continue to be confused why we watch this. The sets are poorly made and the video is clearly not professional film quality."
"Greetings to! You, Shryuji! I am Shakira, the sexual warrior! Tell! Me what you know of! That teacher!"
"Um, maybe they shouldn't talk right next to him? He seems like a man of poor morals," Haru said.
"I think he's a bit distracted," Makoto said dryly, as Shkamoshida moaned under Shann's totally unwilling but oddly enthusiastic efforts.
"I'll kill him! I'll kill everyone!" Ann snarled.
"She doesn't seem to be enjoying the film," Sojiro said.
"Is anyone?" Sae asked. "You got anything a little stronger than coffee behind that bar? I got a feeling I'm going to need it before the end of the day."
"ALLOW ME, SHRYUJI, TO FUCKING EXPLAIN!" Shryuji screamed, his voice tearing through the conversation like the claws of a falcon. "I USED TO BE THE STAR ATHLETE OF THE SCHOOL'S ELITE BLOWJOB TEAM!"
"What." Ryuji said, ironically probably the quietest he had ever been.
"I… hehehehe… I didn't realize that was a c-competitive sport," Futaba said, trying really hard not to break down laughing. Then she stopped trying and began laughing more loudly than it seemed like her tiny frame could have managed. "Oh God! Oh God! It's a cum-petitive sport! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Sae did not laugh out loud, but she did kind of snort behind her hand. "T-that's not funny, young lady."
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Makoto said.
"Little sister, you're making this much harder on meeeeHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!" Sae said.
"I hate you guys so much," Ryuji said. "Akira, bro, I'm totally with you when you claim revenge."
"I SUCKED SO MUCH COCK YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE. BIG COCKS! SMALL COCKS! COCKS OF EVERY SIZE, SHAPE, AND COLOR! I PRACTICED EVERY DAY, AND WHEN WE WENT ON TOUR I COULD SUCK A MAN OFF SO FAST HIS BRAIN CAME OUT HIS CROTCH!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Akira said.
"Effin' traitor."
"I, RYUJI SAKAMOTO, WAS THE CHAMPION COCKSUCKER OF THE WHOLE DAMN COUNTRY!"
"Oh come on, they didn't even pretend to disguise my name that time!" Ryuji whined.
"BUT ALL THAT CHANGED WHEN SHKAMOSHIDA CAME TO OUR SCHOOL! HE TOOK OVER THE BDSM CLUB AND TURNED THEM INTO THE BEST CLUB IN THE SCHOOL, RUINING OUR REPUTATION! SUDDENLY WE COULDN'T FIND A DICK TO SUCK NO MATTER HOW HARD WE LOOKED! AND I LOOKED FAR AND WIDE, UNDER EVERY ROCK!" Shryuji screamed at the top of his lungs. Someone walking by, who may have been an extra or may have just been a poor soul who wandered onto the set, looked at him in undisguised terror.
"I don't think this school is an accredited educational institution," Haru said mildly.
"BUT THEN, THE RUMORS BEGAN! THAT EVIL TEACHER, IN AN EFFORT TO LORD OVER THEM AND FEED HIS OWN SADISTIC LUSTS, HAS BEEN… … … … TORTURING THE BDSM TEAM!"
"Gasp!" Shakira said. He did not gasp. He said the word 'gasp.'
"How can you… torture the BDSM team? Isn't that what they do…?" Sojiro asked.
Futaba grinned terribly. "I bet he got into some weird stuff with them. Like, there's all kinds of stuff you can shove up a person's butt that you wouldn't think would fit there."
"I'm seriously starting to think I need to limit your time on the internet."
"BUT ALAS!" Shryuji continued, and once he got started, there was really no way anyone else could talk. "NONE CAN PROVE IT! SHKAMOSHIDA MAINTAINS HIS DOMINANCE OVER THE SCHOOL FOREVER MORE!" He paused. "SEXUALLY!"
"All of that is true!" Shkamoshida said, essentially confessing to a thousand crimes in the middle of the street. "Also you're both expelled!"
"Curse you, demonic shatterer of souls! Vile beast! Monster from the pits of Tartarus! Never shall I forgive you! Never shall the star of my hate stop burning! One day, we shall all be free of your cursed slavery, and soar into the sunset like a falcon!" Shann said, climbing into Shkamoshida's lap with a wide smile, to ride his dick as he drove off.
"I feel like this is moving a lot faster than it actually did in reality," Akira admitted.
"DAMN THAT SHKAMOSHIDA! FIRST HE STOPS ME FROM SUCKING DICKS—WHICH IS MY ONE AND ONLY PASSION—"
"For Christ's sake, dude!" Ryuji screamed.
"—BUT NOW HE WANTS TO GET US EXPELLED!"
"If only there was! Some way to… … … line!" Shakira said, staring just slightly the wrong direction to be facing the camera.
"Hey, everyone. What are you all doing?" Morgana asked, poking his head into the room through the cat door.
"We're watching porn of us," the team said in unison, their tones feeling slightly dead at the admission, except for Futaba, who sounded happier than she had ever been, and Yusuke, who had stopped paying attention to stare at a stain on the floor.
"Does it ever bother you that they can talk to that cat?" Sae whispered to Sojiro.
"Every goddamn day. Whiskey?" Sojiro replied. "Good stuff. Imported. I was planning to save it for a special occasion, but I think maybe today would be worth it if the alcohol poisoning could kill me during this movie."
"What?!" Morgana squeaked. "How could anyone do something so base and disgusting?! Pornographic material of us, the noble Phantom Thieves? We're heroes! Legends!"
"Current theory is that it was made by the worst person in all history to destroy all happiness," Makoto said. "But that's just a theory."
Morgana drew himself up, offended dignity rolling off him. "Tell me they at least captured us properly?"
"Hey, everyone! I'm Schmorgana the dog, and I'm here to help you!" said a large golden retriever that had been painted black and white. Or rather, someone off-screen said it as the dog walked by, ignoring Shakira and Ryuji entirely to go sniff a wall.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" said the room.
"…" Morgana said. "What."
"W-we're… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Akira said. "We're… weeeee're… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!" Ann said.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!" Makoto said.
"Help us, magic dog! We need your help! To become! SEXUAL THIEVES!" Shakira said.
"I sure can do that, because I am in fact a magic dog!" Schmorgana said, peeing on the floor. "As we all know, only magic dogs can help people become thieves!"
"Erm, sorry, Mona. They, uh, did not capture us properly, I'm afraid," Haru said.
"Oh God, someone's going to end up having sex with that dog at some point," Sae said in abject disgust. "Pour me another drink. A big one. I need to kill as many of my brain cells as I possibly can."
"They wouldn't," Haru said.
"That isn't something anyone would want to see, right?" Ann asked desperately.
"Is that dog supposed to be me?!" Morgana yowled.
"That's not really what we're worried about here!"
"HELL YEAH! I LOVE BEING A MAGIC THIEF AS MUCH AS I LOVE SUCKIN' A WHOLE MESS OF DICK!" Shryuji roared.
"God, I fucking hate that guy," Ryuji said.
"Well, we'll need to make a contract," said the voice off-screen that was doing the speaking for Shmorgana. "Both of you, take off your pants."
"Called it!" Sae said, draining her third shot. "Man, this is some *hic* good stuff."
"But wait, how are they going to…" Makoto began, only to have her eyes widen in abject terror at what was happening on the screen. "Oh. Um… apparently Shmorgana is a female dog. That… that explains th—"
And that was when the team took their second intermission, as Morgana leaped straight up the wall and, with unusual power for a cat, tore the TV off its wall mount.