A/N: A huge thanks to Alf, Haleigh.l and Boy-o for editing and support! Thanks to Rosa for helping with all things British! Since this is Lula speaking British a la Harry Potter via books, movies and fan fiction, in some instances I went against Rosa's better judgement. Crap, okay I also couldn't resist a cheap laugh. Sorry Rosa! A special ginormous thanks to bluzkat—fellow Potterhead—for helping with all things HP and BlackBerry.
xx Not mine, not making any money xx
. . . .
Stephanie Plum and the Deathly 'Hallos'
. . . .
Chapter Two - Friday, August 16
5:32 AM (Dialing) Ringing.
Yawn. "Hello?"
"The only question I have Lester is…do I make your death quick and painless or slow and prolong your suffering while you are writhing under my torture."
Snigger. "Chiquita, I love it when you talk dirty! But seriously, what are you doing calling me at this hour? Do you know what time it is?"
"Yes, damn it. Thanks to you, I know exactly what time it is, since you decided to program the alarm on my phone to wake me up at five fricking thirty in the morning!"
"Steph." Yawn. "Every RangeMan employee was sent an email about my workshop, Textual Intercourse: A Hands on Approach for BlackBerry Virgins, but you chose not to attend. I even offered you a private lesson to show you how to work the features of your phone but you weren't interested. I believe you said and I quote, "Oh Lester, how hard can it be. I mean you're teaching the workshop. I figure any idiot can figure it out. And if memory serves, you then let out a very undignified snort."
"Lester, your imitation of a girl's voice doesn't sound at all sexy. In fact, at five thirty in the morning, it's downright unattractive. Just thought you'd want to know."
"Beautiful, maybe next time you won't ignore my emails. Anyway, now that we're both up why don't we hit the gun range before heading into work?
"…"
"Steph?…You there? Okay, I'll spring for coffee."
"…"
Grudgingly, "Fine…and breakfast."
Growl. "I've had four and a half freaking hours of sleep, Les. Aaaah...what the hell. The day can only go down hill from here, right? Pick me up in an hour."
Click.
9:30 AM ('That's Amore' ring tone)
"Hello?"
"Stephanie. È una bella giornata, no?"
"Um, yes it is beautiful day." Laughs. "My Italian's a bit rusty Bobby, but you're doing really well. It sounds like you're going to be ready for your vacation next month but I wonder if the single woman in Rome are ready for you and Lester?"
"Grazie, but forget Lester. Those Italian beauties won't be able to resist my smooth moves. They'll be practically throwing themselves at my feet when I whisper sweet nothings to them...in Italian of course."
Snorts. "Yeah, right…well good luck with that."
"So Steph, have you been taking those vitamin supplements I gave you?"
"Yes, dad."
"Don't get smart with me bambina." Snickers. "I just wanted to let you know that the First Aid, CPR course scheduled for tomorrow will have a change of venue."
"Oh. Okay."
"It seems a lot of guys can't make it to the session after all. They were really interested when I first told them we would be practicing Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation on each other."
"In English, Bobby."
"You know, mouth to mouth? Anyway, the guys were practically fighting over themselves to sign up when they saw your name on the list but when I let it slip this morning that I had orders for you to be Hector's partner, they suddenly all had prior engagements. So anyway, it's going to be down in my office instead. It'll just be you and Hector."
"No problem Bobby, so I'll see you tomorrow morning at nine thirty."
"Oh and Steph…Hector said, and I'm doing air quotes here and translating into English, 'If you love your family and want to see them come to no harm you won't tell your crazy friend Lula where you're going tomorrow morning and who you'll be with'." Pause. "Do I want to know what that's all about, Steph?"
"I think Hector's got a new best friend…whether he likes it or not."
Snickers. "A domani. Buona giornata!"
"You have a great day too. Oh hey Bobby, wait a sec…you said you had orders for me to be Hector's partner?"
Snickers again. "Ciao bella."
"But—"
Click.
10:17 AM ('Muskrat Love' ring tone) Aaargh!
"Yo Ranger."
"Back at ya, Babe."
"Just confirming the job for tonight. Did Tank give you the file?"
"Yep Ranger. Sounds like it'll be a quickie. I should be able to slip in and out of there no problem."
Almost imperceptible groan. "Babe."
"I was thinking College slutty for the distraction. Is that okay?"
Another pants tightening, almost imperceptible groan. "Mmmmm…"
"Ah, um…fine…well then good, so I'll see ya tonight then."
"….."
"Ranger? Was there anything else I need to know about the job?"
"Job? No. I was just thinking we should go out for a drink after. Interested?"
"Yeah."
Click.
"That'd be…" Sigh. "…great."
10:28 AM
Text Message Sent To: Lester Muskrat Love? That's low, even for you Les.
Text Message From: Lester lol
Text Message Sent To: Lester I was born and raised in Trenton Les. I know places to hide your body no one would ever think of looking…assuming of course, there's enough left to hide, if you know what I mean.
Text Message Sent To: Lester Excuse me, while I go watch 'Silence of the Lambs' now and make… 'dinner' plans.
Text Message From: Lester lmao. Be right there. I love that movie and I get all tingly when you threaten me with bodily harm.
Text Message From: Lester Shall I'll bring the fava beans and a nice chianti…or would you prefer popcorn and diet Coke?
Text MessageSent To: Lester Ugh.
(Ten minutes later) Text Message Sent To: Lester Sooo…um, is there popcorn and diet Coke in the Break Room?
12:38 PM ('Bootylicious' ring tone)
"Hey Lula."
"Hey yourself. Is Hector around? I've been trying to call him all morning but he's not answering his phone. I've left him tons of phone and text messages but he hasn't gotten back to me."
"Um, I don't know Lula. I've been pretty busy this morning.
"Harry, does Accio only work on objects or can it work on wizards too? I mean, if the Hogwart's Express won't come to Hogwarts, I thought maybe Hogwarts can come to the Hogwart's Express, yeah?"
(Mumbling heard over the phone, 'Accio Hector...Accio Hector...ACCIO HECTOR!) "Oh bollocks, it's not working. I think something's wrong my 'swish and flick'."
"Unk. Hold that thought, I'm feeling a headache coming on and I'm out of Tylenol.—For the love of God, would someone please get me some freaking Tylenol NOW!"
"Sounding a little stressed there Harry. You really should take some Calming Draught. Works wonders. Sooo, about Hector...?"
Sigh. "Let me take a quick look around the office."
(Muffled conversation as a hand has clearly been placed over the mouth piece.)
"No Lula, he's not here and I don't know when he'll be back. Can I give him a message?"
"Damn, I wanted him to go to the shops with me. They're having a great sale on knickers at Victoria's Secret today."
(Muffled conversation as a hand has clearly been placed over the mouth piece…again followed by the sound of struggling to get control of the BlackBerry.)
"Gimme the damn phone, I said I'd take care of it."—"Oh, hey Lula you still there? Yeah um, Hector, he's not around. Nope, not here…at all…and I have absolutely no idea where he is or when he's getting back. In fact, maybe Ranger sent him on a secret mission to another country and he'll be out of touch for a while."
"Bloody hell.—Oi Connie, Hector's not there." (Connie's voice heard in the background, "Language, Lula.")
"Oh, is Connie going shopping too? Sounds like fun. Hey, I'm available; I was just finishing up here. You know I'm always up for a good sale."
"…"
"Lula?"
"No offense Steph but I really wanted Hector's opinion on these nighties they have in the clearance rack."
"Lula, just because Hector's gay, doesn't mean he's got great fashion sense and likes to go shopping. You're just reinforcing a stereotype, you know."
"Well, I suppose if Hector's not available, you could come instead."
"Jeez, be still my heart. Nothing like making a girl feel welcome…"
"No problem. Send the lift down for us when we get there, yeah? We'll come up and visit with the guys while we're there. Maybe Hector will be back by then. I'm sure he wouldn't' want to miss a good sale. Besides, we could really do some quality bonding."
"NO! DON'T! Come up to the fifth floor, I mean. Um, wouldn't it be easier if I just met you in the parking garage? You know, get to the sale faster? Beat the crowd."
"Hmmm." A suspicious pause. " 'Kay…well I'll…call…you…when I pull up."
"Bye Lula…" (Angry male voice heard in the background over the receiver… "Su amigo está Lula loco grande—")
Click.
1:02 PM
Text Message From: Lula We're downstairs.
Text Message Sent To: Lula OK. Be right down. Let's take one of the SUVs. More room.
Text Message From: Lula I understand. You don't like small spaces. It's from all those years of living in a cupboard.
Text Message Sent To: Lula Ugh. For the last time…I'm not Harry Bloody Potter!
Text Message From: Lula SILENCIO, half blood!
2:42 PM ('The Bitch is Back' ring tone)
"Hi, Mom."
"Stephanie, this is your mother." Frustrated pause. "You enjoy tormenting me don't you?"
"Yes?"
Angry silence. "Your Grandmother wants to go to the Dickinson viewing tonight at seven o'clock. Can you take her?"
"Sure. I've got a date but it's not until later."
"You've got a date? Who is it? Do I know him? Is he employed? It's not one of those criminals you take in for your job is it? Well, I guess it would be okay as long as he wasn't charged with something above a class E felony. Beggers can't be choosers. Oh, I've got to make some calls…"
"Shit…Mom. Stop! It's not an actual date, date. It's more like two business associates getting together after work for a drink?"
"You're going on one of those distractions tonight aren't you? You know how I feel about that. I always have to disconnect the phone the next day because of all the phone calls."
"Okay, good to know. So I won't expect to be hearing from you tomorrow then? Great. Tell Grandma I'll see her at six thirty."
"Stephanie, I—"
"—om your br—king up —alk later,"
Click.
3:39 PM ('Snuffle Bunny - Sweetest Love' ring tone) Sigh.
"Yo."
"Back at ya Babe. How's the phone?"
"Great Ranger. Still trying to figure out all of the buttons."
"Reception?"
"Perfect, no problems at all…but don't tell my mother that." Pause. "You're smiling…"
"You psychic, Babe?"
"Possibly."
"Tell me something psychic."
"Mmmm okay, let's see…you're wearing black boots, black cargos, a tight black t-shirt and a weapons belt."
"Smart ass."
"You like my ass."
"Possibly."
(Mumbling to herself, "ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod.") Pause. "Ranger, you're smiling again…"
Chuckle. "Pick you up tonight at nine thirty."
Click.
3:46 PM
Text Message Sent To: Ranger You have terrible telephone manners. Didn't your mother ever teach you to say 'Good-bye'?
Text Message From: Ranger Babe
Text Message Sent To: Ranger I'm going to sic my mother on you.
Text Message From: Ranger Should have read the fine print when you signed on at RangeMan.
Text Message Sent To: Ranger RANGER! There was a clause about my mother in the contract?
Text Message From: Ranger Actually, it was a blanket clause to include your entire family. There's a special section specifically for Grandma Mazur.
Text Message Sent To: Ranger WHAT!
Text Message From: Ranger lol, wear your hair down tonight?
Text Message Sent To: Ranger Um…sure.
Text Message From: Ranger Later
Text Message From: Ranger And Babe…you're smiling.
To: Laughing Boy Lester
Sent: Fri Aug 16, 2008 4:11 PM
From: Bugs 'How'd you like a carrot shoved up your...' Bunny
Subject: Hardy har har
'The Snuggle Bunny Song' is you just being cruel now. Your fate is…hmmm, how should I put this so your juvenile brain can understand? Think Wile E. Coyote splattered at the bottom of a giant ravine…and then a huge boulder landing on him, crushing him beyond recognition. Oh stop sniggering, I can hear you from here!
Seriously though, Grandma Mazur's been asking about 'that blonde studdly hunka-hunka that filled out his speedo so well'. Should I set up a lunch date? If you're worried about being alone with her, I'm sure some of her friends from the Senior Center would gladly come along. They're a very touchy feely group. Yep, just love to pinch cheeks…on the face too.
Not interested? Well, I'm going to be in the office early tomorrow for Bobby's CPR thingy so I expect you to fix the ring tone then. And Les…I'll have Grandma Mazur keep lunch free, just in case you're a no show!
Steph
P.S. Binkie was kind enough to show me the cool GPS features on the BlackBerry. You have a BlackBerry right? Mwah ha ha ha. Now there's nowhere to hide…
P.P.S. Um…I guess there would be no place to hide unless you didn't have your phone will you. Crap.
P.P.P.S. Well, don't worry…I'll still find you!
6:38 PM
Text Message From: Lula Knock, knock
Text Message Sent To: Lula Um…who's there?
Text Message From: Lula Who
Text Message Sent To: Lula Who…who?
Text Message From: Lula Oh, look the owl post is here with the mail.
Text Message Sent To: Lula That was beyond corny. Don't quit your day job :P
Text Message From: Lula Knock, knock
Text Message Sent To: Lula Stop!
Text Message From: Lula Knock, knock
Text Message Sent To: Lula Seriously, stop! I mean it!
Text Message Sent To: Lula Ah shit…who's there?
Text Message From: Lula Sara
Text Message Sent To: Lula Sara who?
Text Message From: Lula Sara a mediwizard in the house?
Text Message Sent To: Lula …Groan
Text Message From: Lula Blimey Harry, that one was funny! You're a right miserable sod today.
Text Message Sent To: Lula …Aaaaargh!
9:38 PM Turning off, saving information.
11:46 PM Turning on. Please wait. Connecting…
Missed call. You have one new phone message.
Message 1: Fri Aug 16 at 9:46 PM Beep. "It's Lula. Go on 'That's Magic' Messenger when you get home."
11:28 PM Signing in to Yahoo Messenger.
all slytherin is now online.
Save a Broom, Ride a Seeker: Ugh. The way I see it Lula I'm already going to kill Lester, so what's one more body to dispose of? And after I hide the evidence of your untimely demise…
Save a Broom, Ride a Seeker: …I'm going to strangle Silvio for showing you how to hack into my account!
Save a Broom, Ride a Seeker is now offline. Stephanie is now online.
all slytherin: Don't' be a git, spill it. I want all the juicy details. Tell me you got in some decent snogging!
Mafia Princess has joined the conversation.
Sherman Tank has joined the conversation.
Don Giovanni has joined the conversation.
Mare has joined the conversation.
Lester, God's Gift has joined the conversation.
Lester, God's Gift: What did we miss? You didn't start without us did you?
Stephanie: Oh my god! Does everyone know Ranger and I went out for a drink after the distraction tonight?
Sherman Tank: Well, everyone who checked their email. Junior was working the Com Room tonight so he was in charge of passing along info to all employees re: 'drinks after distraction intel'.
Sherman Tank: Bombshell, if it makes you feel any better he probably didn't forward the email to the Boston, Atlanta or Miami Offices…at least not to anyone below Senior Management.
Sherman Tank: I don't think.
Mafia Princess: Hey, how come I'm not on the mailing list?
Mare: Or me! I have to wait for the Burg Grapevine to hear anything juicy.
Don Giovanni: Did anyone get photos?
Lester, God's Gift: Screw pictures...Did anyone get video?
all slytherin: Would you guys belt up and let the girl talk already?
Stephanie: Well…he took me to—
Yahoo Messenger service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later.
11:59 PM Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Call Answer Engaged.
"Hi, this is Stephanie. I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message after the 'Beep'. And don't even think about driving over here tonight to try to pry details from me. I'll be sleeping with my gun under my pillow. Loaded…Um, if this is someone from the Trenton PD—ha-ha-ha—you know I was just kidding about the gun, right?"
To be continued…
A.N: Is Lula finally on her way to driving Steph loopy? Will Steph ever learn how to adjust her smart phone's alarm so she can get a decent night's sleep? Will Lula track down the elusive Hector? Does Lester taste better with a nice chianti or Diet Coke? Oh, erm, um okay that last one didn't come out just right...though my money's on a nice chianti. Or chocolate sauce.
I'm taking total blame for the lame Knock, know owl joke but the Mediwizard one was found on the internet as was the term 'Texual Intercourse'.