I'm glad at least a few people like this. Please know that it's set during her sixth year. I'm don't know if it's going to be compliant to the HP series. Quite possibly, it will be. Also, I've noticed not a lot of people are understanding this, which frusterates me, because I want my writing to be understandable. Let's clear some things up, right now.

Venas(the spell Lily used in Chapter One) in Latin literally means to cut open your flesh/vein. She casted the spell, making her want glow, and then used the wand similarly to how a person would use a razor to cut themselves. Meaning that Lily was, yes, cutting herself, and yes, Sirius walked in on her doing it, which explains why he was so horrified. I hope that clears things up.

Self-harm is an important issue. I myself have struggled with it, as have my best friend, mother and grandmother.

NOTE: I had to reupload this, as the Life had run out without me noticing

Two.
These Are All The Things You Don't Understand.

. ... .

"This is the girl's bathroom, Black." Lily said, rather coldly, her green eyes like ice as she looked at him via the mirror. Quickly, she muttered a quick spell to seal the cut, and then set her leg down, letting her school cloak fall back down, covering all view of her scarred legs.

"What were you doing?" Sirius asked, his voice abnormally quiet.

Lily paused. "Taking ten points away from Gryffindor for you being in here. Excuse me, I've got schoolwork," Lily said in the same cold voice. She attempted to move past him, but he wouldn't move. "Excuse me," she repeated again, her voice still hard.

"No. What were you doing?" he repeated.

"Sirus! Move!" she snapped at him, raising her voice slightly. The fact that he wouldn't get out of her way was making her heart pound. She was so embarrassed. Why had he come in here? Had he been following her? The entire situation was making her want to scream in frustration. This was...this was hers.

"What were you doing?" he repeated, raising his voice as well, only his was much more intimdating then hers. She wanted to run and hide in a stall, while standing on the toilet so he couldn't see her feet.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor! Move!"

"I'm not moving until you tell me what you were doing, Evans." Sirius said, his dark blue eyes flashing as he repositioned his head to a move comfortable angle, and he casually crossed his arm, blocking her way.

Was he really going to make her say it? Though she loved it when she was alone, the shame that filled her when she faced the situation of having to tell someone made her feel physically sick.

"Lily."

"You already know what I was doing, Black. You were watching me. Don't make me say it," she said, the words coming out before she had even considered them; word vomit.

"You were cutting yourself." Not a question; a statement. Statements did not require an answer.

"Please move, now. I really do have homework," she said, as she pushed by him lightly. Much to her surprise, he stepped sideways, and allowed her to pass without another word.

She went back to the library, and looked at her things sitting there, completely untouched. Just like she knew they would be. No one would steal from Lily Evans. She was too nice to steal from. Too nice to even really notice. The weight of that truth crashed down on her, and she felt the traitor tears start to blur up her vision. Quickly, she packed her books into her bag, before throwing the bag over her shoulder and rushing out of the library.

She didn't notice the dark blue eyes, watching her rushed retreat from the library, saddened by what they had seen.

. ... .

Lily didn't know what time it was. All she knew was that it was dark, and she was the only one in her dormitory, which made her guess that it was dinner time. She probably should go eat something, but she couldn't find the will to. She would have to deal with the flirtations that made her feel even more disgusting then normal from Potter, or maybe even a look of revulsion, if Sirius had told him what he had seen sweet little Lily doing in the bathroom, which he probably had.

She was a freak. And now the one person that found her desirable would know it.

Maybe that would be a good thing. Without Potter drawing attention to her all the time, she could quietly fade into the background. Become part of the scenery, instead of the main focus. And then maybe she could fade out completely, disappearing into mist like she was never even there.

Oh, how great it would be to be gone. Be gone from magic, be gone from this school, be gone from Pettie's hate, be gone from the distance that had grown between her and her family. To be gone from...everything.

Would she really be missed?

Maybe by Breanne Slintrot, when she came to Lily with her and Xenophilius Lovegood's problems that mostly consisted about where they could possibly find a Blibbering Humdinger on school grounds. Or possibly Molly Prewett when she came crying to her after she had had another nightmare about how she feared her brothers, Gideon and Fabian, where going to die, while fighting Voldemort. Maybe Lupin would miss her studying with him the rare times she did so nowadays.

Without warning, the sobs that had been threatening to escape from her lips all day spilled out, broken and raspy. Her hands gripped at the sheets and blankets of her four poster, and she shoved the material into her face to quiet her cries. She screamed, over and over, the sound muffled by the blanket.

She hated when she cried. She felt so much more weak and pathetic then she already did, and the feeling crawled up her throat and mucked up her breathing until she thought her head was to explode. She uncurled her fist, and ripped open the drapes that had been pulled around her bed.

Lily walked over to one of her roomate's side of the room, standing in front of the dresser that she had by her bed. It was filled with things like pictures of her and her mom, or sister, or boyfriend. Notes littered the wood, as well as shampoo bottles and perfume in glass containers.

She picked up the picture of her roomate and her roomate's sister, standing together, making multiple funny faces at the camera, before looking at eachother and laughing, the way wizard photos did. Lily used to be like this with her sister. She used to be close, and would share secrets. Now she was a freak. A miserable, disgusting freak who was a stain on her sister's reputation.

Anger, hot and frightening, ignited in her throat. She threw the picture at the wall, taking a sick satisfaction when she heard the glass break into a bunch of pieces. Lily took her arms, and ran them along the length of her roomate's dresser, shoving everything off with one angry push, sending everything to the floor in a mess of broken glass and loud thuds.

Lily stood there for a moment, breathing heavily, as she looked at the mess she had made of her roomate's portion of the room. After a few moments of staring, she realized that she wasn't angry at her roomate for having a good family. She was angry at herself for not. And with that, she walked over to her bedside table to get her wand, and flicked it at the pile wordlessly. It all went back to the dresser, repaired as if she had never touched it.

Sitting on the edge of her bed, she smiled humorlessly. If only she could fix everything she had ruined as easily as a simple flick of her wand.

. ... .

The next morning, Lily woke up smeared in her own blood from the waist down, with her stomach growling uncomfortably.

She hadn't left her dormitory the previous night after her little episode, instead choosing to carve more bloody twirls and curls into her legs with her magically-sharpened wand. She hadn't sealed them up before she went to bed because the pain helped her sleep, and they weren't deep enough to make her bleed to death, like yesterday's cut had been. Now, though, she reached out through the curtains of her four-poster, and grabbed her wand. She pointed it at the series of cuts, muttering a simple disinfectant spell on them, before closing them. She swished her wand at her body, Disappearing the stain on her porcelain skin as well as her sheets.

She kicked her legs over the bed, and stood up. Like normal, a dull ache of the pain shot through her body. She knew it wasn't anything to worry about. Her mind thought the cuts should still be there, so the nerves were sending pain signals. She compared the feeling of how a soldier could get his foot blown off in a war, and then could come home and feel like he had to scratch the very foot that got blown off.

Lily dressed, throwing on her school skirt and button-up white shirt, as well as the school cloak with the Gryffindor emblem upon it. She went to her dresser table, and picked up her hairbush, running it through her scarlett curls. This pattern was methodical; she went through them as if she were in a haze. Not quite here, but not quite able to escape to another place. She lifted her wand to her mouth, and preformed the standard toothbrushing spell that she had done everyday but the days of summer vacation since she was eleven.

She lifted up the same bookbag, and walked down the same sets of stairs. She walked through the same groups of students, and walked out the same portrait hole of the same Fat Lady.

The Great Hall was filled with chatter when she walked in. Lily had half-expected the people to stop talking and watch her like the freak she was as she walked to her table.

So maybe Black hadn't told, afterall. What was he up to?

She sat down at the end of the table, a plate appearing in front of her. Without excitement, she spooned some scrambled eggs onto her plate. She picked up her fork and pushed them around, not really interested in eating them. She was much more interested in watching the people around her laughing, talking, whispering. Having fun. Her emerald green eyes watched them in a detached kind of way, like a scientist and an experiement.

When had she stopped being one of Them? When had she started feeling as though she were an outsider?

"You going to eat those eggs, Evans? Or are you just going to push them around?" came an all too familiar voice. Lily didn't even have to look over her shoulder to see who it was that came around and sat across from her. James Potter, as well as...

Lily stiffened slightly. As well as his best mate, Sirius Black. Oh, hell.

"No answer? Then you don't mind if I have a bite, do you?" he asked, taking her fork lightly out of her hands, and spearing a fluffy bit of egg. "Yum. Here, try some," Potter said, as he speared another bit of egg, holding it up to her mouth. Lily looked at the offending piece of egg, and then at Sirius. He was watching her, as if he expected--no, demanded her to eat it. What, if she ate the damn egg, then what happened yesterday would somehow become less important?

She returned her gaze back to Potter's dark brown one, and narrowed her eyes. She smacked his hand away, sending the fork scattering onto the plate next to her.

"I'm a big girl, Potter. I'll eat when I want to," she said coldly, as she stood up, and grabbed her bag. Hadn't she just gotten here? And yet she was leaving again.

James seemed surprised by her aggressive behavior. "I was just worried about you, Lily," he told her, sounding as though he was trying not to say the wrong thing.

"Save your worry for someone else. Someone who needs it," and then she was throwing her bag over her shoulder and leaving the Great Hall without breakfast and in a bad mood.

She headed to the owlery, deciding to write her parents a letter. She felt obligated to once or twice every month. She would have sent more, but she lied through her teeth in these letters; they made her feel filthy.

After writing of her classes and large amounts of homework, she told them that she would have to stay for the Christmas Holidays, for Prefect duties. Of course, this was another lie. She just didn't think she could be in the house for two weeks with her sister. She finished off the letter saying she hoped they were well and best wishes to Pettie.

"So this is where you ran off to to hide," came a voice from the corner, near the entrance. She looked over her shoulder to see Sirius, standing in the doorway, arms crossed and leaning against it.

Lily ignored him as she looked for a suitiable owl to send her letter on. Finally, she found one, and lured it down with some owl treats she had picked up at the entrance. The tawny-brown owl stuck out it's leg, and Lily tied the envelope onto it, watching as the bird flew off.

"Can we talk?" he asked, when she didn't respond.

"I'd rather we didn't, Sirius," she told him, as she picked up her bag that had been deposited on the floor.

"You can't expect to not give me any answers after what I saw yesterday, Lily," he said, incrediously.

Lily mashed her teeth together. So now she owed him something, did she? If he hadn't followed her in the first place, then he wouldn't have seen anything. It was his own damn fault, not hers. She didn't need to tell him a damn thing.

As she went to walk by him, he grabbed her wrist, "Lily! Do you really expect I'll let you leave without answering me?" he snapped, now sounding slightly angry.

Lily's emerald eyes flashed to him, and her mouth twisted. For a second, she felt as though she were going to cry, but the anger she felt overpowered it. "Ugh! Get your hands off of me, Black!" she said, ripping her wrist out of his grip. He looked mildly shocked, but didn't grab for her again.

"I just want--"

"You know what I expect? I expect that tonight, you and Katie Kruse will be in the spare room on the fifth floor, having obnoxiously loud sex like you always do on the night I have patrol. I expect that tomorrow, you and James will pick on Severus, and I expect by the end of the week, everything will go back to exactly the way it always was for you." Lily said, her voice leaking with venom. "I also expect that you back away from the doorway so I can go to my first class."

Sirius didn't move, instead choosing to look nonchalant.

"Why do you do it, Lily? Cut yourself? I mean, are you a masochist or something? Because I can tell you a lot better ways to get that urge out then cutting--"

"I'm not a masochist, Sirius. Move now." Lily said, with a sigh.

"Well, okay then. Not masochistic. Then why? Are you looking for attention or something?" he asked, and before she realized what she was doing, her fist came into forceful contact with his jaw, catching him off guard.

"Lily, what the hell--?!" Sirius asked, as he stummbled back.

"Screw you, Black." The words came for her lips as she shoved past him, knocking him out of the way.

"Lily, c'mon! Don't be mad! I just don't understand why--"

"You don't have to understand! Go to hell," she called over her shoulder, as she hastily hurried down the stone steps, leaving a fusterated and confused Sirius behind her.

I know some of you might not like the ending of this chapter, but next one will start to pick up. I just had to lay the groundwork. Reviews are love.