AN: This was originally just going to have one part, but I kinda wanted to show what was going on on Dean's side, so I added this. Hope you like it!
Dean woke to the sound of a rush of wings. He fought the urge to open his eyes. There had been many a night when he had woken with the feeling that Castiel was there, but soon he had realized that the gentle woosh of his wings were nothing but a figment of his dreams. As long as he kept his eyes closed, he could convince himself that this feeling was real, that he wasn't alone. As soon as he opened his eyes though, he would find his room empty. His gaze would flicker to the chair facing his bed, and it would be empty. Empty like the feeling in his chest. He lay there, absorbing the artificial feeling of Castiel's presence.
But then he heard something stir at the foot of his bed. Strange. He was wide awake now. Nothing should still be leaking out from his dream world. He slowly opened his eyes his breath catching at the familiar silouhette with it's back to him. Castiel stood at the foot of his bed, observing the chair that had been empty for months now. It all seemed so unreal, Dean suddenly wondered if he was still dreaming. He wanted to call out Castiel's name, but it felt as if the slightest disturbance would shatter this vision. If he was going to say something, it had to be something meaningful, something that would make him stay. He swallowed, trying to to smooth out his dry throat.
"I put that there for you." Shit. Not exactly what he had wanted to say. But, he had never been good at this sort of thing. He watched Castiel stiffen and turn around like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He didn't move, if this was a dream he didn't want to shatter the illusion, but if it was real Castiel could fly off at any second. Every time he had seen him lately, he had taken off without warning. He had to keep him there, keep him interested.
"For me?" Castiel asked, as if he was confused, but it was obvious that he understood. Maybe he wanted Dean to say it out loud.
"Yeah since," he allowed himself to shift just a bit, "I haven't gotten you to break that habit of you watching me while I sleep. So, I thought if I gave you a place, maybe you would..." he went no further, but knew that Castiel was perfectly aware of the unspoken words that hung in the air. Maybe you would come back.
"Oh..." Castiel mumbled, "Well... thank you." Dean watched him sit down in the chair. He felt some of the tension in his shoulders relax. Something about Castiel sitting made Dean less afraid that he would be vanishing any time soon. By now he had decided that he wasn't dreaming, and if Castiel wasn't planning on leaving, it should safe for him to move a bit more. He leaned over and clicked on the lamp next to his bed. Light flooded over Castiel's face, who still wore the face of a child expecting a harsh scolding. Of course, Dean was a bit aggravated, but he had been more worried than angry at Castiel for flying off without warning.
"Where have you been Cas?" Worried sick, to be exact.
"I'd uh, rather not say," Castiel nearly flinched, obviously expecting Dean to yell at him. But Dean didn't do that, the last thing he wanted was to chase him away, and if that meant not asking any questions, he would keep quiet. Castiel observed him for a few seconds.
"Dean, you're not going to scare me away. You don't have to worry about me flying off." Dean chuckled, of course the angel saw right through him. It was nearly impossible to get a lie through that intense gaze.
"Can't blame me for expecting it."
Castiel's face twisted with guilt, "You're right," he lowered his head, "I'm sorry."
Now that Castiel had assured him that he wouldn't be leaving, Dean was comfortable swinging his legs over the side of the bed. "It's all fine," he smiled reassuringly. Castiel simply stared. Dean didn't know what else to do besides simply stare back for a while.
Come on, Dean. Just tell him.
How am I supposed to bring that up?
It's not that hard!
What am I gunna say? Oh hey Cas, missed you while you were gone and by the way I'm in love with your stupid feathery ass.
Come on Dean! Be a man!
He cleared his throat, "So, how do you like the new place?" Nope. He just couldn't get it out.
"I haven't really looked around," Castiel said, "But your room is... very suitable for you." Dean tried to wrap his head around what that could possibly mean. Was it good or bad? There were a lot of weapons, and he had left one side of his room completely bare for anyone who might perhaps move in...
"I'll take that as a compliment," he smiled, afraid to let the silence stretch out for too long.
Castiel's mouth quirked a bit in what Dean took was a smile in return.
"How is Sam?"
Dean didn't want to talk about Sam. He wanted to talk about them.
"He's fine, nothing worse than coughing up blood."
"And Meg? Where is she?" Shit. He looked down at his hands.
"Uh Cas... I'm sorry but, Meg is dead."
He didn't look up as the room was filled with the silence of his words sinking in.
"What?"
He braced himself, "Crowley killed her." And all he had done was watch from the safety of his car. Guilt shot pain through his stomach like a vice. Even if he hadn't really cared about her, he knew that Cas did, and he didn't even try to save her.
Castiel stood up abruptly, and Dean finally looked up at him.
"No," his deep, gravelled voice rumbled with denial.
He stood and put a hand on Castiel's shoulder, as if to steady him, "I'm sorry man, I saw it myself."
Castiel's eyes widened, panic painted all over his face. "I'll, I'll have to-"
"Have to what? What can you do?" He tighted his grip on Castiel's shoulder, trying to keep him grounded.
"I'll bring her back," Castiel's face flashed from panicked to determined.
"Come on Cas, you know you can't do that." He must be losing his marbles.
"Yes I can, I'll go back to purgatory and I'll-" Yep, definitely lost them.
He grabbed Castiel's other shoulder and swung him around so that they were facing eachother, "Cas we barely even made it out the first time! Are you crazy?"
"You don't understand. I have to," Castiel protested.
"You're right, I don't understand." Not one bit. Before, Meg had disgusted him in the beginning. "Why do you wanna risk so much for some demon b-"
"Don't." Castiel interupted angrily. Dean stopped, caught completely off guard. He couldn't think of anything to say. He wasn't used to a Castiel who had strong feelings for someone like this. At least, not towards anyone but him. He didn't like it.
"Is it that hard for you to believe that I care deeply for someone other than you?" Castiel's voice was quiet, but rumbled like the thunder of a far away storm.
Deeply? Was Castiel saying that he liked Meg? Of course not. Meg was a demon and Castiel was an angel. Surely he couldn't.
"Cas, you gotta be kidding me." Please let him be kidding.
"I'm not Dean." Okay. He was serious. Dean needed to take a new approach.
"Okay, I get it. You guys spent some time together and now you're a bit sweet on her but it's not worth it!" He could feel something inside him starting to cry out.
Please Cas, don't leave me. I need you. Don't leave.
"No Dean, it's more than that."
Dean felt as if he had been punched in the gut. "Are you telling me you're in love with her?" Castiel didn't answer, he just stared. Dean slowly let go of him and turned around, trailing a hand down his face. It felt like the ground had disappeared beneath him, the falling sensation wracking through his body. He sat down on the edge of his bed and looked up at Castiel. This was just his luck, he finally got the fucking balls to overcome his damn masculinity complex to admit to himself that he was hopelessly in love with this trenchcoat wrapped baby, and it turned out that the feeling was completely one sided. It was so... typical. But if there was something he had learned in all these years, it was that when you loved someone, you put your problems and feelings aside and you help them out, because you're not worth a damn anyways.
"Cas, let's talk about this. What makes you think you're in love with her?" He patted a spot next to him on the bed. Castiel sat down hesitantly.
"It's not necessarily that," he said slowly, "She's just the only person I've ever met and shared a mutual sort of interest with..."
Oh God. Did he know how Dean felt? All this time? Had he been aware, even when Dean wasn't? He tried to play dumb,
"What? You've had a bunch of girls crushin' on you that you never told me about?"
"No, it's not that," Castiel looked down, "It's kind of the opposite."
Relief was quickly followed by more panic. There was someone else who had earned Castiel's affection. Someone that wasn't Dean. It was already hard enough to deal with the thought of losing to one person, but the idea that two people had been chosen over him hurt him in ways he didn't expect. He wasn't used to this, losing. He wasn't stupid, he knew perfectly well that he was good looking. He'd never had trouble getting the girl. It was usually keeping the girl that got him, but that was the life of a hunter. There wasn't room for an apple pie life, as bad as he wanted it.
"You like somebody then?"
Castiel nodded, still refusing to look up at Dean. Who on Earth could it be? There weren't many people around for him to choose from. Then again, he never really knew where Castiel went when he disappeared.
"Well, did you tell them? Maybe they just don't seem interested because they don't know that you're into them."
"I'm not their type," Castiel muttered. What on earth could that mean? Since when did Castiel have a grasp on the idea of "types?" He did like a demon after all.
"Well who is it?" Dean found that he was dying to know. He needed to know who had managed to snag Castiel's heart, when he couldn't. Castiel just kept looking down silently. "Come on Cas, you can tell me." I won't kill them I swear... probably.
"Why did you only decorate half of your room?" Castiel said suddenly.
Dean spluttered for a moment, completely thrown by the inquiry."I uh-" The answer didn't matter though, the original purpose had lost all point now that it was certain that Castiel would not be moving in with him. Ouch. "Damnit Cas don't change the subject."
Castiel stood, turning away from him. "I think that if you haven't figured it out already then it may be best to keep it that way." So it was someone he knew then? Who on earth could it possibly be? It couldn't be Sam. He wracked his brain, but came up completely blank.
"How am I supposed to figure it out if you've never even given me any sort of clue that you even liked someone?" Castiel was always so distant with everyone, and he certainly wasn't the most expressive person either.
"I've been told that my body language could be taken as more than platonic."
Dean started to protest without thinking, "Well I've never seen you get up close and personal with anyone but-" then something clicked in his brain. Castiel had always had a problem with the idea of personal space. But, now that Dean thought about it, it seemed that the only person who he had developed the habit for was... him. I'm not their type. Dean had made it very clear in the past that he was strictly heterosexual. He could see Castiel's fists clenching tightly, his body expanding as he drew in a deep breath.
"Cas?" Something seemed to swell from Castiel. It was as if Dean could feel his wings unfolding and preparing themselves for flight. God no, don't leave. Dean lurched forward and placed a hand on Castiel's shoulder, trying to convey as loudly as he could with that one touch, stay.
Castiel turned to face him, looking defenseless and hurt. All this time, he had been hurting Cas by not coming out and just saying that he loved him. All this time, Castiel thought that he was the one who held one-sided affections. He was such an idiot.
"Cas I-"
"Do not apologize," Castiel interupted, "I would never expect you to return-"
"Cas stop." Dean said firmly, "I uh..." Come on man, spit it out! "I didn't decorate half of the room... because I was leaving it for you."
"Now you're changing the subject," Castiel muttered. God he really was clueless.
"No, I'm not. I'm just not good at this. Chick flick moments, you know?" He smiled half-heartedly.
"No, I don't know why you keep expecting me to get all of these references." Castiel seemed to be losing his self control, his lower lip starting to tremble. It would heart breakingly adorable if it weren't for the frustration Dean was feeling.
"Damnit Cas! I'm saying I left space for you in my room! Surely you get what that means." How idiotic could this angel get?
"Seeing as I don't sleep I don't really know why that would-"
"Christ Cas." Something snapped inside Dean. Losing all patience with his lack of eloquence and the angels utter obliviousness, he decided to communicate the way he knew best.
He dug his fingers into the angels trench coat and pulled forcefully, cutting off any sort of protests with his lips against Castiel's. He could feel the angel's surprise beneath him. But that didn't matter now, a new rabid hunger that he didn't even know he had possessed for the angel was clawing up in his stomach. He worked Castiel's now pliant mouth open and latched onto his lower lip. Castiel started to go from compliant and unresponsive to more excited. His lips began to move in time with Dean's, and his hands slid up to his chest, fingers tangling into his shirt.
"Dean," he said weakly against Dean's lips.
Letting Castiel talk, but not wanting to take his lips off of him, he trailed them down to his neck. "Yeah Cas?"
"I uh," the angel was breathing heavily, "I thought you didn't-"
"Is talking about this really necessary?" He didn't know how well he would do with the discussion part of his confession.
"Yes," Castiel nearly squeaked. Dean sighed, summoning a great amount of will power to extract his mouth from the angels skin and look him in the eye.
"Fine, I didn't think I did either. But apparently I was wrong. Or maybe... maybe it's just you," he looked down at the ground, feeling the heat rising in his ears. All of these years, he had been so sure of his sexuality. He was Dean Winchester. He banged chicks and didn't look back. Then Castiel came around and flipped his world upside down.
"Dean." Castiel cupped his hand under Dean's chin and lifted his face back up. Dean's tongue flicked out over his lips, a nervous habit. "You're my exception too."
Dean felt his cheeks warm as suddenly his world was set right-side up again. He felt a smile creeping up onto his face, just before Castiel pulled him down to his lips again. Dean was more than willing to follow. Castiel had a completely unique taste, something that no description could possibly be pinned to except that it was Cas. It was almost as if he was being saved again. For the first time in a long time, Dean almost felt whole again. For the first time ever, Dean felt at home. In this moment, he didn't regret going to hell, because in the end, it had led him here. To Cas.
Cas.