Moolie: Greetings, mortals!

Aggie: Happy late Easter!

*Ginny tackles Aggie to the ground, both start fighting to the death.*

Moolie: Oh, don't mind them, they're just-

*Donald comes rushing in, looking very frightened.*

Donald: Haroo!!!!

Translation: The toilet's screaming!!!!

…………

Chapter Two: Men at Work

Legolas and Gimli were told to stay at the back of the group for fear that Gimli's flatulence might spook the horses. As they neared the pile of Orc corpses, it became apparent that the hobbits' chances were very slim.

They circled the burn site on their horses.

"This doesn't look too good," Aragorn sang.

"I'll check it out," said Gimli.

"Wait a minute," said Legolas. "What are you gonna-"

Without warning, Gimli leapt into the air and boosted himself with a magnificent honk from his rear end. He then dove headfirst into the pile.

It was quite a site to see. His stubby little legs were sticking out as he searched for any sign of the hobbits.

Meanwhile, everyone else was dismounting their horses. Azimah gagged at the smell of the rotting corpses mixed with Gimli's gaseous perfume.

Nora was looking pale. Azimah, being the awkward Elf she was, gave her a manly pat on the shoulder.

Suddenly, Gimli's legs began kicking frantically. There was a muffled yell from the pile.

"Do you think we should pull him out?" Legolas asked.

After a few minutes of contemplating, Aragorn shrugged and they all went to dislodge Gimli.

"Heave, Men!"

"We're not Men."

"Heave…everyone…" Aragorn trailed off. "But that doesn't sound as cool."

The group finally pulled Gimli out of the pile. There was a burnt piece of leather hanging from his mouth.

"I fw'n shmth'n!" he mumbled.

"What?" Aragorn said.

Gimli took the piece of leather from out of his mouth. "I found something. It's one of their wee belts."

Nora took the belt from Gimli. Azimah noticed that her hand was shaking.

"We failed them," Gimli whispered.

Legolas began praying in Elvish. Azimah joined him.

Aragorn kicked aside a helmet and shouted in anger, "RAAAAAAWR!"

After finishing her prayer, Azimah looked over to see that Nora was crying.

"Nora...?"

"S'nothin'…" Nora sniffed.

"Do…do you want a hug or something?"

"No, no, I'm cool…" She gasped for air, trying to hold back another set of tears.

"Were you and Pippin…?"

Nora sniffed again. "No."

As Aragorn knelt on the ground, he noticed something that anyone else would've merely passed by. "What's this?" he asked as he did a gratuitous tumble set. The rest of the group watched curiously.

"A hobbit lay here. And another." He did a cartwheel.

"Aragorn?"

"Quiet, I'm working. Now…" Aragorn scanned the ground. "Their hands were bound." He then did a hand spring over to a different spot where he picked up a length of rope. "Their bonds were cut." He then attempted to do a sideways somersault, but unintentionally tumbled into the pile of Orc corpses.

"I'm alright!" he said quickly as he stood and brushed himself off. "Don't worry."

"We weren't," Azimah said blankly.

Aragorn ignored her. Instead, he pointed dramatically at the ground. "Their tracks lead away!" One last cartwheel. "Into Fangorn Forest!"

"Fangorn? What madness drove them in there?" Gimli muttered.

"What're we waiting for?" exclaimed Nora, sprinting full-head into the undergrowth.

Aragorn gave a melodramatic sigh. "Let's go, then."

***

"That stick looks awfully familiar," Fado stated. "So does that little plant. It smells funny. I think Sam had to go potty over there behind that boulder." Sam went hot pinkish purnurple.

"And tha-"

"Enough! Alright, I get it!" Frodo shouted.

Sam started to cry. "Oh, Mr. Frodo! We're lost!"

"Ugh, thank you, Captain Obvious," Fado muttered, rolling her eyes.

"We've been going in circles!" Sam went on, not hearing her.

"Shut up!" Fado yelled, glaring at the fat hobbit.

"Fado's been real moody today, Mr. Frodo," he whimpered.

"AGH!!!!!" Fado screamed. Frodo hushed the both of them.

"Do you smell that?" he asked.

"Do you mean Sam's…business?"

"No, not that!" Frodo said, a disgusted look on his face.

"Well, what is it, then?"

"Something…fouler…"

"I don't reckon that's possible."

Frodo hushed her once more. As they listened closely, they heard a garbled noise that sounded as if someone was strangling a cat.

"Never gonna give you up, Precious…"

"What was that?" Sam asked, holding onto Frodo.

"Never gonna let you down, Precious…"

"It appears we've just gotten Rick Roll'd," Fado stated.

"Never gonna run around and desert you, Precious…"

Frodo turned to Sam. "We're not alone."

Later that night…

Frodo's chest rose and fell softly. Fado lay curled on her bedroll. Sam was snoring Handel's ninth symphony. Everyone was asleep. Or so it seemed…

Well, actually, Sam was asleep. It was the only way this plan could work without him ruining it.

They heard a small voice getting closer. "Stupid hobbitses. Nasty little thieves. Stole the damn Precious."

Fado was nervous. It was hard to keep her breathing steady, but she had to for the plan to work.

"Rip their little throatses out, take their innards and prance around the May pole…"

She grabbed Frodo's hand and squeezed it.

"Remember to follow the plan…" he breathed quietly.

"Curse them, we hates them, it's ours it is, and we wants it…"

"NOW!" Frodo yelled.

***

"We didn't mean to, really! It was an accident!"

"You accidentally tried to kill us?" Frodo asked.

"No, no, it was the Precious. The Precious made us do it! We swears!"

"Morning, all!" Sam yawned. "How did you guys- What is that!?"

"Sam, this is what we call a Gollum," Fado said. "It's native to the Misty Mountains, lives on a diet of fish and small insects, and mates periodically during the winter months."

"Well, he needs a tan," Sam said, placing his hands on his hips.

"You need to go eat a salad!" Gollum hissed.

"Everyone shut up!" Fado yelled. Frodo, Sam, and Gollum stood at attention.

"Now, if we're going to get through this trip, we're going to do it in a civil manner," she said. "Sam, be nice to your little brother."

"Wait a minute, he's not my-"

"And Gollum, no more naughty words, or else you're going to owe a nickel to the Potty Mouth Jar. Now, we're all going to at least pretend that we like each other. Is that clear?"
"Yes ma'am," said Sam.

"Yes, Mum," said Gollum.

"Good."

***

Nora led the way into the forest. The rest reluctantly followed.

"Did you see that?" Aragorn asked Legolas, beaming. "Did you see all those tumble sets I just did?"

Legolas didn't seem too impressed. "Yes, Aragorn. I saw."

"I bet the last king couldn't do all that!"

"I'm sure he couldn't, Aragorn."

Nora led on into the thick woods, looking and listening closely for any signs of hobbits. But the forest was quiet. To her, anyway. Behind her, Azimah was having a difficult time concentrating. The forest was quite loud.

'What are you five doing here?' one tree asked.

'These are our woods!' another one shouted.

'Yes, get out!' the first one said.

'The blonde one's a bit attractive,' another tree stated.

Azimah giggled quietly.

There was a quick rustle of leaves, as if a tree was slapping another tree with its branches.

'Give it up, Dan,' the first tree said. 'He'll never go for a tree!'

Dan remained quiet. The second tree snickered.

'Have you seen any hobbits around here?' Azimah thought to the trees.

'What's a hobbit?'

Azimah sighed. 'Have you seen any children around here?'

'Ah, yes, children. I think I saw a pair running away from a rather nasty Orc. They seemed quite distressed.'

'Did the Orc get them?'

'We couldn't see that well, y'know, it being dark and all,' the tree paused. 'Why do you ask?'

'Friends of yours?' another tree butted in.

'Yes.'

'Oh, they're dead.'

'Shut it, Kenneth!'

Kenneth's sudden outburst caught Azimah by surprise and she stopped walking. Legolas accidentally bumped into her.

"Azimah-"

"Oh," Azimah mumbled, turning around. "Sorry, Legolas."

Legolas watched her curiously. "It's fine… Come on, we have to keep up."

Azimah turned around and started to follow Nora again, who hadn't even stopped to see what the problem was. She continued to lead to group deeper into Fangorn Forest; not exactly sure of what she was doing, but refusing to admit it. Aragorn seemed a tad bit annoyed that he wasn't leading the way.

'How do you know they're dead, Kenneth?' Azimah asked.

'Children can't defeat an Orc,' Kenneth said. 'Your kids were probably eaten, Miss.'

Azimah's heart sank and she looked at Nora, who continued to dodge tree roots and mud puddles. She couldn't bear tell her what the trees were saying.

"Uh, Nora...?" she began, but was suddenly interrupted.

'The White Wizard!' a tree hissed dramatically.

'What?' Azimah was quite confused.

'He's heeeere!'

'Who's here? Saruman?'

'Why is he heeeeere?'

In all of this confusion, Azimah started to yell.

"What? Who is it?"

The rest of the group stopped to watch her little meltdown in confusion.

"Azimah?" Legolas called out. When she didn't look at him, he reached out to touch her shoulder. His touch seemed to calm her down, but she seemed to still be listening to something.

"Who is it?" she repeated. Gimli started to laugh, but Legolas quickly shushed him.

"Is it Saruman?" Azimah called out. "Where is he?!"

The group got uncomfortably silent.

"Is he here?" Azimah yelled.

"Who is she talking about?" Gimli asked.

"Saruman…" Aragorn said slowly.

Gimli nodded. He then started to scream.

"Shut it," Legolas said and quickly pushed the Dwarf. Gimli stopped screaming, eyeing Legolas suspiciously.

"Don't push me…"

Aragorn finally placed his hands on Azimah's shoulders. "What is it?"

Azimah blinked and looked at him. "Oh, uh…" She looked around at the faces of her companions. Legolas stood close, watching her worriedly. Nora scanned the surroundings impatiently. Gimli stood nearby with a serene smile on his face.

Azimah grimaced. He only made that face when he farted.

"What about Saruman?" Aragorn asked seriously. Finally, he could be leader again.

"The trees…" Azimah started. "They speak of a 'White Wizard' in the forest."

Aragorn's eyes widened. "Saruman."

"Yes, that's what I was saying…" Azimah said, but Aragorn quickly turned away.

"Do not let him speak," Aragorn said quietly. "He will put a spell on us- Really? Is this the best the writers could do? I mean, come on! It's like we're talking about a fairy godmother here!"

"Aragorn…?"

"What?"

"Turn around…"

Aragorn turned and his eyes widened. "Damn."

…………

Moolie: Aggie, grab the shampoo! We have to perform an exorcism before it spreads to our other appliances!

Aggie: How are we gonna perform an exorcism…?

Moolie: Just do it! Ginny, do you remember any of the Latin you learned in high school?

Ginny: Um…

Moolie: Good enough!

*Moolie starts beating the toilet with a cleaning brush while dumping the contents of the shampoo bottle into the bowl. Ginny starts chanting in the background.*

Ginny: Pater noster, qui es in caelis…

Aggie: *sigh* I'm gonna go watch television.