School sucks, that I know. You know all the preppy bitches that say school is amazing? Yeah, don't listen to them. Listen to me if you want to know what goes on here, and I can guarantee you that it is not amazing.
All my teachers are in a shitty mood and don't really give a fuck if we're interested or not. I've spent pretty much the whole day just staring blankly out the window, not paying any attention to the constant drone from Mr. Fare's mouth.
A knock on the door brings me from my daydreams and when I look up…well I wish I hadn't. It's him in the doorway with a note in his hands.
"Hello," Gerard starts. "I'm sorry that I'm late. I got confused as to where my classes are, but I got this note to excuse my tardy."
Mr. Fare takes the note from him and, noticeably, tries not to stand within an arm's reach of Gerard. I smile at that, even though he does that to all of his students. As he reads it his nose crinkles up and he adjusts his glasses. "Ahh, yes, Gerard," he says. "Why don't you go take that seat next to Frank? Mr. Iero, please raise your hand."
Gerard looks to me and in return I only glare. "He knows who I am," I tell Mr. Fares.
He shrugs and continues on with his drone after saying, "Very well then."
Gerard makes his way over to the desk next to mine with a small smile on his lips. "Hey again," he whispers. I do my best to ignore him like he had to me for oh so long. You ruined this, I direct to him in my mind.
I stay silent and watch children across the street play. Thank God for windows and random distractions. The two kids play cheerfully with effortless happiness, something I wish I had. They look so…innocent. They seem unknowing to the world that can be so cruel.
"Look Frank-" he begins before I shake my head and cut him off. No, I will not let him into my life again. I can't, because if I do then I'm only going to end up breaking again.
But that's impossible. I'm already broken, still broken in fact.
He chooses to ignore my rejection. "I'm really-" he starts again.
"Don't you dare say that you're sorry, Gerard," I finally say to him. "Just…don't bother talking to me."
Gerard nods, unwillingly almost, but goes out of his way to get my attention for the rest of class. Nudging me 'accidentally', humming loudly, trying to get into my peripheral view, clearing his throat excessively.
He has no right to do this, I think to myself as I walk to my locker after the bell rings. No right at all. It's true, really. You don't just let someone pour their heart out in front of you every day just to end up letting them fall behind in the end. You aren't supposed to be the reason that they break. But that's what happened, and it's not my fault.
It's not my fault that I'm gay. I didn't choose this. If I knew that it meant constant bullying and teasing, and if I had a choice, then I never would have chosen this. I mean, I'd respect those that come out of course, I'm no homophobe, but I wouldn't choose to be gay. Sadly, I didn't get that choice. It was chosen for me.
Lunch is up next. I have half of a cheese sandwich that I eat alone under an oak tree. We're allowed to sit wherever we want outside, thankfully. If we had to eat close to each other then I'd probably end up getting called fabulous names again. So far there haven't been any people coming up to me and trying to get me to engage in conversation.
The day isn't even over yet, and for no reason at all, I want to start crying. I want to break down. I want to feel the pain and comfort that only my little metal friend can provide for me. I want to self destruct.
The bell rings about half an hour after I finish my sandwich, signaling lunch is over. Apparently, my schedule is very similar to Gerard's. We have the next class with each other, then we go our separate ways, only to sit next to each other again in Mrs. Miller's class.
At least he hasn't tried to talk to me anymore. He does continue on trying to get my attention by humming, but I easily ignore it. Thankfully Amy shares this class with me as well. She sits to the left of the desk in front of me.
"Are you okay?" she mouths to me with her back to the teacher, who doesn't seem to even care. I shake my head and wonder how I must look for her to ask me this.
"I'm fine," I try to whisper back. Amy eyes me carefully and I see her eyes drift onto Gerard. I told her about what happened between the two of us long ago, around the time that we had met actually.
"Are you sure?" Concern is evident on her face. I give a stiff shake of my head and immediately feel the tears settling in. Why I feel like crying, I have no idea. My lip quivers slowly until I'm forced to bite it to hold everything back. Here is not the place for this. I will wait until I'm home to let everything loose.
Determined to keep talking to me, she gets out a notebook and a pen. Her hand scribbles words before she holds it up for me to read. "Well school's almost over. Then you can go home," it says.
That doesn't help. If anything, it makes me feel worse, because now I remember what I have to go back to when I leave. I go back to an abusive father and a mother who can barely stand up for me in fear of being killed, herself. In defeat, I cross my arms and force my head down with an audible thud.
Another thirty seconds go by, filled with suppressed hyperventilation and anxiety and fear, and a piece of paper is thrown at me. I look up and Amy's eyes are trained on me. "I'm sorry," she whispers and points to the paper. I open it and see the words, "You can always come over to my house. My parents won't care."
I look back up to her, then back to the paper. I scribble, "My dad probably won't let me," in horrible handwriting and toss it back to her. Amy reads, shrugs, and mouths, "I'm sorry."
Gerard catches my attention by nudging me again. "Oh, Frank, I'm sorry, again," he mutters under his breath.
I look at him and…well…it's unfortunate to say that I'm dazzled. This is the first time that I've actually payed attention to his face since the day started, I guess. Truth is I had a small crush on him when we were friends, but nothing serious. Nothing serious at all. But now that I look at his face, I feel as if I'm falling back into his eyes like I had so many times before.
The only difference is that I'm falling faster and much, much harder.
A/N: Hello my lovelies :) Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Stay tuned for loads more to come, same goes for To The End!
-jayL