I stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror regretting my harsh words towards Peeta. I had always had a problem with my temper when it came to this subject. I drop my head when I notice the shame I felt reflected back at me. What was I doing? I was an expert at saying something to harsh during one of these arguments and sending him into an episode. I spin when there's a knock on the bathroom door.
"Come in." I say softly and watch as Peeta walks in. I bite at my lips trying to get rid of the gnawing feeling of regret inside of me. The pain in his eyes is palpable, which causes my heart to break a little. "Peeta, I'm sorry I shouldn't have reacted like that it's just -" He cuts me off.
"No, Katniss. I understand, I shouldn't be pushing having a family on you. It's not fair." I stare at him in bewilderment. Where was this coming from?
"Peeta, what are you talking about? It's my fault for reacting that way. I hurt you, and I can't express how sorry I am." He gives me a sad smile and loops his arm around my waist pulling me closer to him.
"Katniss..." A sigh escapes his lips. "How is it we go from being playful and happy to this so quickly?" I bite my lips at his words and rest my forehead against his.
"Because of me." I reply and he gives a breathy chuckle, that contains no traces of humor.
"We're both at fault. I'm not perfect, you know Katniss." His words almost sound accusing, but at the same time they sound like a joke. I purse my lips trying to figure out what he meant. I give my head a slight shake not exactly sure what was meant.
"I'm the reason you have episodes, because I react like that. I react without thinking. It's stupid of me, it really is." My hand lays gently on his cheek. "And the pain in your eyes is clear, I know how badly you want a family. I just, I'm so terrified." His blue eyes lock with mine the pain in his eyes replaced with concern.
"What are you so afraid of?" His tone is gentle, and colored with concern. He truly doesn't understand. I close my eyes taking a deep breath before pulling away.
"It's just, I had a family. My mother, my sister, and me. I became the mother to my sister when my mother tuned out. I did everything I could to keep her alive, and it failed. I volunteered, for her at the reaping. I only managed to cause a mess of everything by doing that. Except, I got one thing out of it." I pause taking his hand in mine and holding it to my cheek, indicating he was the one thing.
"I hurt people, and I hurt you so many times in the process. I got so many people killed. I don't deserve to have a family at this point. I failed my sister trying to take down Snow. I was so blind. I only cared about taking down Snow. I lost sight of what was important. In doing so I lost my sister. She died. I don't even know how I deserve you after everything." I stop talking my voice catching at the end.
"Katniss, I think if someone doesn't deserve any of it here it's me. I tried to kill you, and I did kill others in the process. I'm a Capitol mu-" I cut him off, placing my hand over his mouth.
"No. None of that is your fault, everything that happened was beyond your control. I had choices. If I would've just eaten those berries in the games you would've lived, and my sister would still be alive." He places a kiss on my lips brushing away a tear I hadn't even realized had fallen.
"If you had, the games would still be going, and not to sound selfish but my life would be nothing. You always have been, and always will be my life. Without you I'm nothing." He whispers gently pulling me in again. "So, that's why you're afraid? Because you don't think you deserve it?" I shake my head. No, I didn't deserve a family, but that's not why I was afraid. It wasn't beneath me to take what I don't deserve. I married Peeta didn't I? Haymitch's words ring in the back of my mind You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him. His words ring true, but I loved him unconditionally and vise versa.
"Peeta, everyone I love ended up hurt, or taken from me. You got the worst, all because I fell in love with you Snow hijacked you. He realized you were - are my weakness. I loved Prim, and she was taken from me. My mom, she doesn't even live here anymore. My father, dead. Finnick, dead. Gale, my best friend won't even speak to me. How do I know if I were to bring a child into this world that he or she wouldn't end up dead."
Peeta looks over my face and gives a sad sigh. He couldn't argue that everyone had been taken from me. No one could, because it was true.
"I may be hijacked, but I'm not going anywhere. I promise. I can't promise you that if we bring a child into this world the Hunger Games won't be reinstated, or that something will happen during the pregnancy and there'll be a miscarriage. But, I can promise you I'll be by your side the whole time, I'll help you through it. I can also promise the chances of anything happening are unlikely. Not impossible, but unlikely."
He was so good words, and so convincing. I just wasn't sure if he was convincing enough. His words though cause a smile to creep on my lips without my permission.
"Peeta, I love you more than anything but I can't. Even if I wanted to, I don't think I could. I'm just too afraid." He leans down kissing me deeply and gives a resigning sigh. He takes my hand and leads me out of the bathroom. You've hurt him again, I think to myself. Why did I keep doing this to him? I didn't mean to. I wanted nothing more than to make him happy, but the one thing that would make him the happiest man in the world is the one thing that terrifies me.
He picks me up and carries me to the couch where I find he has started a fire. I eyes him suspiciously then let it go. I knew him well enough to know he wasn't going to push it any further, and neither was I. We were stuck in a stalemate, both too stubborn on the subject to give in to the other. I curl up next to him on the couch his arm wrapping around my shoulders firmly.
As we watch the fire in silence I start thinking about what he said, about a family. I wasn't going to lie a family with Peeta sounded beyond amazing, if only I could get past my crippling fear that I had built up over the years. Stop being so damn selfish I think to myself. I've put him through hell and back, maybe I could find it in me to overcome my fear and give him the one thing he wants more than anything.