This show is based on the original show "Who Wants to Be Midnight's Snuggle-Buddy?". Disclaimer listed during sponsor's commercial.
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"Hello, and thank you for joining us for the season premiere of WHO WANTS TO BE HARRY'S SNUGGLE BUDDY!" Dumbledore gleamed in his blue suede suit, motioning to the stage where a waving Harry Potter lounged on a couch.
The live audience in the studio cheered as the Rent-A-Band played "I Am The Walrus" (by The Beatles) to the tune of the opening credits.
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"I'm so nervous!" tittered one of the 18 crowded backstage.
Others were silent. They were more thinking about what Harry would think if he knew who they really were.
Some of them hailed from Gryffindor. Others of them were enemies harboring a secret longing. The rest were all adults who worried about child molestation charges.
If only they knew who each other were…
----
"Annnnnnd, here we have THE JUDGES!" The spotlight moved from Dumbledore's swedeness to the stage right entrance. The audience applauded eagerly.
"Fresh from St. Mungo's, GILDEROY LOCKHART!"
Lockhart waved and flashed his blinding white teeth. Teenage girls swooned. The rest were all holding their heads in pain.
"Somebody shake me 'cuz I must be sleeping, it's SIBYL TRELAWNEY!"
Trelawney gazed soulfully at the audience and waved. Everyone with Tylenol on hand stared in wonder at her thick lenses.
"And finally, we're just madly in love with MAD-EYE MOODY!"
"Aw, shut the crap up already!" Moody grumbled as he stumbled to the judges table.
Dumbledore only allowed himself to be offended for a moment before sliding back into his newfound element and exclaiming, "Now, Harry will deliver his task to the contestants backstage in our Rad Room!"
A video of the Rad Room appeared on the screen on the back of the stage.
"Hel-LO, contestants!" Harry simpered. "Tonight you are going to serenade me with your favorite song, accompanied by our Rent-A-Band, waving behind me."
The 6-membered Rent-A-Band waved. One of the members immediately got his hand stuck in his fro, and the others had to yank his arm out to save it from being swallowed.
"You have one commercial break! Good luck!" Harry cheerfully waved.
The video went dead.
"What will the contestants sing? Who will Harry reject? Your results and more… after the break." Dumbledore waved.
Cue commercial break.
A man with long shaggy brown hair fades in, lit by a solitary lamp and filled with darkness behind.
"You are not going to like me," he states.
He lets a dramatic pause fly by.
"No, really, you're not. I have dirty pants problems, I can assure you. If you get to know me, you'll like me even less as my story goes on. So it's probably best if you just observe my drunken staggering from a distance. Because, like I said, you are not going to…"
"JOHNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The man jumps, knocking over the chair and turning around to the darkness behind him. "What?! What?! HOW DID YOU FIND ME??????"
The video blinkers out in just enough time to see several fangirls foaming at the mouth and charging at the hapless Duke of Rochester.
"Annnnnnd we're back to WHO WANTS TO BE HARRY'S SNUGGLE BUDDY!"
The audience took their cue perfectly and cheered. Harry waved from his couch.
"Without further adieu, we will begin the task! Contestant number 1!"
Contestant 1 was barely shaking as she strode onstage.
Harry jumped. "A… Aunt Petunia????"
Contestant 1 turned away, trying not to laugh too hard at the look on Harry's face.
"Now, see here, Harry," Dumbledore laughed for the audience. "The rules go that the contestants are anonymous. Here we use the costumes from the movies! The contestants are never disguised as themselves, for the record, although they might use the same disguise more than once…"
Harry sighed in relief. "Goooood…"
Contestant 1 adjusted the mike for herself, making sure that it was positioned exactly right. She tried not to look at the crowd as the Rent-A-Band bassist and guitarists played the opening notes to her song.
"It's been awhile since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I first saw you
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile since I could call you"
Contestant 1 grew more dramatic with the chorus as the music became more intense.
"And everything I can remember
As… effed up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my needs"
The Rent-A-Band stopped playing. Contestant 1 suddenly became interested in the hair on her knuckles as the audience made their obligatory noise. Dumbledore nodded in approval at the bleeping.
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"I thought that was supposed to be a guy singing that, and you seemed a bit angry, but you did WAY COOL! Oh, wait, this is about Harry? Oh, yeah, sorry man, you seem a little too emo in this task, you might see yourself getting booted." – Lockhart
"You did wonderfully. You look absolutely beautiful. I don't see why Harry shouldn't like you for who you are." – Trelawney
"Honestly, you did great on the song. You might come off a little intimidating to be able to sing that low though. See what Harry thinks." – Moody
--
"Intimidating, huh?" replied Contestant 1. "I never really thought of myself as intimidating. I suppose sometimes I have my violent tendencies, but I'm good at keeping them in check."
"Thank you, Contestant 1!" Dumbledore grinned while showing her the door. Dumbledore was very proud of this skill. He'd learned and practiced it while watching Little Miss Sunshine. "Next we have Contestant 2!"
Contestant 2 stepped out from the wings, taking care to give Harry a special gaze before launching into her song. She closed her eyes, as if she was thinking about something else that had nothing to do with the competition.
"And I give up forever to touch you
And I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now
And all I can taste is this room
And all I can breathe is your light
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight"
Then, in a loud, rambunctious, and strangely poppy voice, she sang,
"And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"
"… Well then," Dumbledore cocked his head.
And now for judges' comments:
--
"You were rockin' out there man! I just LOVE the song! But you seem really distracted and disconnected." – Lockhart
"You're so darling. I love the song. I think you're perfect for Harry." – Trelawney
"Great song, but I agree with Gilderoy, you seem ENTIRELY disconnected. – Moody
--
"Do I really?" Contestant 2 shook her head. "Um… I guess… maybe I'm just a little nervous." Dammit, maybe this idea won't work after all.
Dumbledore pat her on the back before shoving her offstage. "Next we have Contestant 3!"
Contestant 3 took the form of Lee Jordan with strangely combed and slicked down hair. The Rent-A-Band bustled around frantically, trying to find a full orchestra. Finally, one of them (a guy with spiky red-highlighted hair) managed to find a recording and stuck the CD in a beat-up boombox. Contestant 3 took no notice of this, as he rarely took notice of such trivial happenings pertaining to others, crouched into a sexy pose, and sang, "Give em the old razzle dazzle. Razzle dazzle them,"
He then got up and started walking down the stage, whilst shaking his shoulders to the music. "Give em an act with lots of fashion, and the reaction will be passionate," he sang while summoning a flower and throwing it with a cheesed up grin to Harry. Harry caught it with a gleam of admiration in his eyes. Contestant 3 continued,
"Give em the old hocus pocus
Bead and feather em
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?
What if your hinges all are rusty?
What if in fact you're JUST disgusting?"
Contestant 3 shuddered at the thought, then finished, "Razzle dazzle them, and they'll never catch wise."
"Well, you've sure razzled and dazzled everyone, haven't you?" said Dumbledore with a big smile. The audience clapped, and Dumbledore replied by waving his arms in the air and generally acting like a presidential candidate trying to butter up a swarm of nitwits, ahem, fellow citizens, who don't really realize what the person is actually gaining support for.
Not that Dumbledore had anything in mind of the sort. No, really.
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"You're the best in the competition! Man, you've gotten everyone going so HOT for you!" – Lockhart
"… Who are you? I really…" – Trelawney
"Oh, great, let's all fall in love here. Now, seriously, points for coming out of your shell right away and getting Harry's attention, however this seems extremely… I don't know, superficial. You know the meaning of the word plastic? That's what I'm talking about." – Moody
--
"You mean like beauty is only skin-deep?" Contestant 3 replied. Before Moody could answer, Contestant 3's face lit up as he exclaimed, "You think I'm beautiful too? Gosh, and I thought this disguise sucked!" Contestant 3 began a happy dance until Dumbledore hooked him off the stage.
Dumbledore chuckled for the benefit of the audience at Contestant 3's antics, then announced, "And now for Contestant 4!"
"Hold up!" Harry cried. "I'm bored! I need a break! Cut to a commercial, PLEEEEEASE!"
"Huh, like we could allow THAT to happen," Dumbledore sniffed.
"Why not?" Harry whined.
"We will not be giving contestants unfair advantages."
"Oh, screw the contestants! This isn't about time and preparation anyway! It's all about me! ME! You're all trying to please ME!"
"Now, now, Harry, there'll be no screwing the contestants…" The tall Rent-A-Band drummer did a drum riff and the audience laughed. "I just had to say that," grinned Dumbledore cheesily. "And fine, everyone, we're taking a break!"
Cue commercial break.
"And now comes the record you've all been waiting for!"
The video zooms in on a bright CD cover with a NOW font and a psychedelic background.
"SAVE YOUR SOUL: AN ACCORDIAN TRIBUTE TO THE WORKS OF JEWEL"
The video starts slowing down… and down….
"Buuuuuut thaaaat's noooooot all………"
The video goes dead.
The TV gods have spoken.
"And we're back! We welcome to the stage Contestant number 4!" Dumbledore waved his arm across to where a red-eared Ginny Weasley was emerging.
Contestant 4 was not very happy about his disguise. He found it extremely embarrassing and by dressing this way he'd learned more about Ginny than he cared to know.
Also, the song he was singing contrasted very much from Ginny's voice.
"I wanna be there when you call
I wanna catch you when you fall
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe
Today's the day we'll fade away, ohh
Today's the day we'll fade away, ohh
Today's the day we'll find our way grown
Today's the day we'll find away, oh"
And now for the judge's comments:
--
"… That was weird. Your voice sounded EXACTLY like Shaun Morgan's, but it was weird to just watch Ginny sing in an extremely low and gravelly voice. I think Harry might be a little turned off by that." – Lockhart
"I love the guitar…… oh wait…." – Trelawney
"I'm rolling my eyes at you two. It's a great song, so I don't see why Harry wouldn't like it." – Moody
--
Contestant 4's face went red again. Before next episode he was DEFINITELY going to have a word with the costume lady.
"Up next we have Contestant number 5!" Dumbledore grinned (of course).
Viktor Krum pranced out onstage, waving and smiling at everyone like a mini-Dumbledore. Contestant 5 started singing in a low voice:
"Can you feel it crush you?
Does it seem to bring the worst in you out?
There's no running away from
These things that hold you down
Do they complicate you
Because they make you feel like this?
Of all the colors that you shine
Is it showing out your best?
But you should know these colors that you're shining are…" Contestant 5 switched voices suddenly to a higher one, "Shutting out the place…. Colors that YOU" (the note caused Dumbledore to twitch) "shine… Shutting out the place….. Colors that YOU shine…."
"That's enough!" Dumbledore quickly cut Contestant 5 off.
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"Do you have a split personality or something? How is that supposed to work if you win and become Harry's snuggle buddy?" – Lockhart
"That high note was amazing…" – Trelawney
"Gilderoy, for your information, that song has two voices singing it, one lower pitched guy part, and another higher pitched guy part which in this case sings the chorus. So no, he doesn't have a split personality. You must have quite a lot of talent to be able to have that range." – Moody
--
"Excuse me…" Contestant 5 glared. "I'm a girl."
The audience and judges went silent. "She's a bass?!" Dumbledore exclaimed incredulously.
"Yes, I am," Contestant 5 huffed, then quickly changed dispositions back to her usual charismatic self, blowing kisses at the audience and prancing offstage.
Dumbledore recovered himself quickly, because all aspiring politicians tend to have that capability (not that Dumbledore was an aspiring politician). "Up next… Contestant number 6!"
Harry knew that it was all costumes from the movies, but he still could not help jumping as Rita Skeeter tripped over his heels and fell onstage. Apparently Contestant 6 was not used to heels. In fact, it looked as though if Contestant 6 were handed a pair of heels any bigger than the ones he already had on he would probably not be able to walk at all. Standing up would be the big issue.
It took a lot of generosity on his part (because the Rita Skeeter outfit was still scaring him), but Harry shyly offered Contestant 6 the other end of the couch. Contestant 6 took the seat gladly, and gave Harry a genuine smile. Harry couldn't help feeling warm inside. He began thinking back to Cedric before the first task of the Triwizard Cup, but immediately stopped himself because he had no wish to break into tears in front of the camera.
But Contestant 6's song was very enjoyable.
"You say yes, I say no
You say stop, and I say go, go, go
Oh, no
You say goodbye, and I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
You say bye, I say hello
You say why, and I say I don't know
Oh, no
You say goodbye, and I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello"
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"Cute." – Lockhart
"You're such a lovely person." – Trelawney
"What the other two are trying to say is that you were completely and totally bland." – Moody
--
Harry admired how Contestant 6, though flustered, kept himself together as he went offstage. Nobody else noticed Harry's flash of a smile.
"Let's take another commercial break," Harry said as he inwardly laughed at everybody catering to him.
Dumbledore wrung his hands. "But we aren't even halfway yet!"
"Do it," Harry glared.
Dumbledore sighed.
Cue commercial break.
A man sits down at a desk.
"Good evening, I am Sir Crapinthrote III, and I am the owner of this network channel. I would like to apologize on behalf of the station for the previous commercial, of which product we shall not say the name of, out of fear for the powers which overthrew us to begin with. To make up for that inconvenience, we will personally entertain you ourselves." He clears his throat. "And now for something completely different."
The camera zooms in on a different scene, consisting of a sidewalk deserted of all save a man with a black suitcoat, briefcase, and hat. He grins. He nods his head. Then he begins dancing some sort of weird dance which involves putting his knees together, kicking his legs up high, and squatting down low.
Then a question arises: where is that strange music coming from? The camera turns to reveal a man in a suit with a tape recorder stuck up his nose. The song finishes with an applause track, and Sir Carpatad Jr. says, "Thank you. Now you may proceed with your show."
"And we're back!" Dumbledore grinned cheesily. He just kept getting better and better at it. "Contestant number 7, we welcome you to the stage!"
Contestant 7 didn't come.
The Rent-A-Band guitarist with the fro began playing a guitar solo, and the spiky haired pianist/track mixer joined in with a flute voice on his keyboard.
Then the audience saw where Contestant 7 was. A silhouette appeared behind the set, where Contestant 7 was doing poses as if warming up for something. From the greasy longish hair, it looked like he was going to be a big rocker and it would be a big number.
Then the main music started and the back set rose. Severus Snape began rocking out to the music and dancing with his microphone.
"Now if I help you it matters that you see
These sordid kind of things are coming hard to me
It's taken me some time to work out what to do
I weighed the whole thing out before I came to you
I have no thought at all about my own reward
I really didn't come here of my own accord
Just don't say I'm…" Here Contestant 7 swung around a little bit to the guitar before the next lines. "Damned for all time." Here the audience joined in with his dance. It was so amusing to watch Snape dance. And Contestant 7 was happy that he could get away with this sort of thing in someone else's body. If he was actually him it would be so undignified.
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"… um…" – Lockhart
"Well…" – Trelawney
"You're a man after my heart, you know that? You chose a song from MY generation! I LOVE that song! Okay, I don't know about Harry… to tell the truth… aw, never mind, you were great." – Moody
--
Of course I know what you like, Moody. Of course I know how to please your kind, Contestant 7 thought with distain. "Oh yes, thank you," he said in a silky voice before disappearing offstage.
Contestant 8 didn't wait for Dumbledore to call her. She seemed driven by something.
"Harry, this is for you." Alicia called behind her before she began to sing:
"Everybody's talking but they don't say a thing
They look at me with sad eyes, but I don't want the sympathy
It's cool you didn't want me, sometimes you can't go back
But why'd you have to go and make a mess like that?"
Contestant 8 looked behind her at Harry again before continuing:
"I just have to say before I let go
Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Where you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold
Cuz what you did was low?"
After that Harry didn't listen to the judges' comments. The only thought that occurred to him was, She knows! How does she know about that? He couldn't possibly think of any of his friends who could possibly know about what happened between Cho and Cedric. It was one thing that had haunted him since he and Cedric began going out. Unless… no, the blackmailer… he'd sent the blackmailer money, how could he send the information out? Harry's feelings of guilt came back.
It never occurred to him that the identity of Contestant 8 was staring at him right in the face. It had nothing to do with blackmail.
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"I'm sure ANYONE will love you after that rendition!" – Lockhart
"You're so pretty…" – Trelawney
"Okay, diva." – Moody
--
"Is that supposed to be an insult?" Contestant 8 placed her hands on her hips defiantly.
Dumbledore pulled Contestant 8 backstage while announcing, "Contestant 9, the stage is yours!"
Contestant 9 rose up on a trapdoor below the stage. Madame Maxine had her back to her audience, booty shaking to the music. When the music picked up, Contestant 9 jumped around and pulled a Natalie (being of Charlie's Angels). He always wanted to do something like this, but people made fun of him so much that he was never able to. He sang:
"Fold your dollar bills
And leave your thrills all here with me
Speak but don't pretend
I won't defend you anymore you see
It aches with every bone
I'm tied alone, but not for pleasure
My eyes don't need to see the ugly thing
I know it's me you feel"
"If you want me hold me back!" Contestant 9 sang, accompanied by new arm-whirling moves.
"That's enough!" Dumbledore smiled cheesily, willing himself not to take out his vaudeville hook and pull him off the stage.
Contestant 9 sagged. He was only just getting started.
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"Wow, you've just put it all out here, man! You looked like you were having fun! Maybe you could pull Harry out of his shell." – Lockhart
"You put me to shame." – Trelawney
"To put it lightly, you might be a little too much." – Moody
--
Contestant 9 was extremely surprised. Usually he was exactly the opposite.
"Up next, we'll see what Contestant 10 does… but first a word from our sponsor."
A woman sits on a recliner, deeply absorbed in a book called "Honestly Fake".
She looks up. "Oh, hello!" she smiles. "I'm here to talk to you about all of the things our sponsor does not own and is not responsible for!"
The sponsor of this show does not own anything but books, CDs, and DVDs pertaining to Harry Potter, Linkin Park, The Beatles, American Idol, Staind, The Libertine, Pirates of the Caribbean, Johnny Depp, Little Miss Sunshine, Goo Goo Dolls, Chicago, Jewel, an accordion, Seether, Crossfade, Spaceballs, Monty Python, Jesus Christ Superstar, Kelly Clarkson, Charlie's Angels, Nirvana, 3 Doors Down, Clay Aiken, Kill Bill, Rent, Evita, Escaflowne (TV series), and The Exies.
"However, since we are sponsoring the show, we are proud to add the beat-up boombox. So enjoy!"
The audience was captivated by the stage, upon which was Narcissa Malfoy in grunge attire headbanging to the beginning chords on the guitar. Then Contestant 10 began singing/slurring, "Sell the kids for food. Weather changes moods."
Apparently the first mic bored him, because he all of a sudden caught another mic in the air, backed up to avoid feedback, and sang more intensely, "Spring is here again, reproductive glands, ANNNNNNNNNNNNNND…" Contestant 10 sang/yelled before Dumbledore could stop him, then continued, "He's the one who likes all our pretty songs, and he likes to sing along, and he likes to shoot his gun, but he knows not what it means, DRUM INTERLUDE, knows not what it means, and I say yeah." He finished quickly instead of repeating the chorus because the audience was giving him mixed looks. A group of Nirvana fans cheered, oblivious of the look from a sullen man with long blonde hair sitting in the back row.
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"Dude, man, that just wasn't good at all!" – Lockhart
"I like spring." – Trelawney
"I think you did the song perfectly, but I don't think that you're right for this competition." – Moody
--
"Guys, you should seriously be careful!" Dumbledore waved his hands. Contestant 10 gave him a look, as did the rest of the audience. Dumbledore continued, "We hafta refrain from using sexual language, references, and demonstrations because our sponsor can't afford censors so we don't wanna get sued!"
"There's demonstrations?" Harry jumped. Contestant 10 shook his head mournfully. Harry sighed and laid his head back down.
The audience waited through three period punctuation marks before Dumbledore broke the silence and announced, "Contestant 11!"
Hermione sauntered out to the opening trumpet playing on the beat-up boombox (because this music was from the same source as Contestant 3's). Harry stared. It could have been just the lights, but her hair seemed to change colors every other measure of the song.
Then Contestant 11 belted:
"Ask any of the chickies in my pen
They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen
I love them all and all of them love me
Because the system works! The system calls reciprocity!"
Contestant 11 started shaking her boobs as the music started up while Harry stared. Back and forth… back and forth… "That's enough!" Dumbledore shouted nervously as he sensed the connotations. It disturbed him to see Hermione singing about sharing mutually and her being the "biggest hen".
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"Well, I liked it." – Lockhart
"What a marvelous spectacle." – Trelawney
"On the contrary, I think it was completely off. And your hair is especially creepy." – Moody
--
Contestant 11 ran off, seething about the hair comment.
"Up next, Contestant 12!" Dumbledore hoped the style would be different. These last couple were just weird to him.
Peter Pettigrew brought out his own stool and acoustic guitar with him. Yes, the style for Contestant 12 was VERY different. He strummed a few chords and began singing in a light and clear tone:
"Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly
Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday"
Everyone in the studio was enticed by his voice. Whoever he was, he was obviously a very good singer. It sounded as though he had had a lot of time to practice, and that he used his singing voice a lot in whatever profession he had. Dumbledore wiped a crocodile tear from his eye as he pat Contestant 12 on the back to congratulate him.
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"I changed my mind. You're obviously the absolute best out here tonight!" – Lockhart
"You're so beautiful… handsome, I mean…" – Trelawney
"Honestly, you seem like the most delightful one here in this competition. If you don't make it into the finals, I swear I'll… I'll… think of it later." – Moody
--
"And I suppose we hafta go to a commercial break now…" Dumbledore sighed.
Harry nodded happily.
Cue commercial break.
"And now an album you REALLY will regret not buying!"
The camera films a girl with long brown hair, mascara, and a flowered skirt sitting on a wooden chair. The girl holds an acoustic guitar in her hands, and she plays and sings in a lilting yet strong voice.
"Wow, you're really good!" exclaims the announcer.
"I'm a Baron, what do you expect?" the girl laughs.
The cameraman nods in agreement, only to accidentally drop the camera and let the video go back.
"Now, after that pleasing interlude, let's welcome to the stage Contestant 13!"
"Too late now," Contestant 13 muttered to himself as he hurried onstage as Parvati Patil. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't brush off the feeling that he would seriously regret entering this competition.
On the other hand, Contestant 13 thought, in a year it won't matter, now, will it?
He banged his head to the cool guitar intro then sang:
"They blazed the trail I dared to run
They built this road and I have come
I need another like a brother
For a crying shoulder
This could be the last time
You will stand by my side
And I can feel my soul, it's bleeding
Will you fly with me this evening?"
Harry was scared. What atrocities had this contestant gone through to need a crying shoulder? And how did he know he was going to die so soon?
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"You were attractive out there at least." – Lockhart
"Yes, I would." – Trelawney
"I honestly think the best thing about that song was the guitar." – Moody
--
If only they knew, Contestant 13 sighed. Unlucky 13. He wished he hadn't gone online to read stories about himself.
"Now, we have Contestant 14!" Dumbledore announced. He was starting to have a rough time being creative about announcing people. I can't wait until eliminations, he thought.
Contestant 14 took the form of Vernon Dursley… only he had no facial hair and his hair took on a dorky spiky look (as opposed to cool). The Rent-A-Band groaned at the music that appeared in front of them.
"I vote we go on strike!" the bald bassist cried.
"Aw, come on!" Contestant 14 stomped his foot. "I like Clay Aiken!"
"Oh my god," Moody groaned as Harry, Trelawney, and Dumbledore all jumped with joy.
"He's soooooo dreamy!" Trelawney cried.
"I loooooove his invisible skills!" Harry grinned.
"I wish I had hair just like him!" Dumbledore's eyes went sparkly as he absent-mindedly tried to rub his long hair into dorky spikes.
"Am I the only sane person left in this world?" Moody hit his head on the table.
"Please play it!" Contestant 14 pleaded.
"Nuh-uh!" The band held their ground.
"Oh, please, spare us all!" Moody exclaimed as he hopped up from the table and personally escorted Contestant 14 off the stage.
Dumbledore pet his hair in sadness. "Contestant 15? I guess it's your turn…" he announced without enthusiasm.
Cornelius Fudge elegantly and gracefully glided out to the microphone. The keyboardist muttered as he set his keyboard so that half of it was organ and half of it was piano, and wondered if she was really going to try to pull this song off.
Try she did. She started in a high-pitched voice:
"My man got a heart like a rock that's in the sea
My man got a heart like a rock that's in the sea"
There was a loud snore from the couch as she switched to a lower-pitched voice:
"Well no one told me about her
The way she lied
Well no one told me about her
How many people cried"
She looked around at the audience, who were all snoozing. "Was the song too quiet for everyone?"
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"Zzzzzzzz… wha? Huh? Oh! Wonderful, quite wonderful!" – Lockhart
"I personally stayed awake through the entire thing and I thought it was lovely." – Trelawney
"The song sounded weird coming from one person, and judging by the couch I think the subject wasn't paying attention. I wouldn't be surprised if you got eliminated." – Moody
--
Contestant 15's face fell. "But you said we had to sing our favorite song!"
"There, there…" Dumbledore led her offstage, grinning to everyone in the audience as he did so. "We'll go ahead and have a commercial break then."
"Izdezongofer?" Harry slurred as he stirred from the couch finally.
Cue commercial break.
A blad (as opposed to bald) man smiles at the camera. "Hello," he says, "I'm here to talk to you about O'Harmony. O'Harmony is the leading owl dating service in the world, and now you can be a part of the experience by joining for free today!"
A woman appears sitting at a dining table. She catches an owl and reads aloud, "Winnie, I saw your profile on O'Harmony and I would like you to marry me. Oh!" she exclaims dramatically. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
The blad guy smiles again, "See how O'Harmony can change your life! Apply now to get your profile form owled to you today!"
"And now we have our last 3 contestants, beginning with… Contestant 16!"
Charlie Weasley came out with another acoustic guitar. Harry sat up. He liked these guitar players, guitar players are so much more talented than lazy people who don't know how to play an instrument.
He strummed a couple of notes and then sang dramatically:
"Your eyes
As we said our goodbyes
Can't get them out of my mind
And I find I can't hide
From your eyes
The ones that took me by surprise
The magic came into my life
When there's moonlight I see your eyes"
When Harry thought he could not get any more dramatic, the tall drummer started a slow beat in the background, and Contestant 16 closed his eyes and threw his head back for an extremely dramatic effect.
"How'd I let you slip away
When I'm longing so to hold you?
Now I'd die for one more day
Cuz there's something I should've told you
There's something I should've told you…"
Contestant 16 sighed dramatically, then softly sang, "When I looked into your eyes…" The audience cheered, giving the effect of a concert by some Idol contestant. Harry was enchanted.
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"That was very romantic, man! Good going!" – Lockhart
"I can't see why anybody wouldn't fall in love with you on the spot." – Trelawney
"Welcome to the world of pop stardom. Beware of fangirls." – Moody
--
Contestant 16 was used to that kind of fawning. He was a star back in his days at Hogwarts.
"Next we have Contestant number 17!" Dumbledore announced, then motioned his arm towards where workmen were pushing in a huge piano for the keyboardist to play instead. Draco Malfoy was sitting on top, demurely smiling and waving at everyone. In her sparkly short dress, she looked like a 20s bar singer… with short blonde hair.
The keyboardist looked up at Contestant 17, shook his head… and then turned on the beat-up boombox instead.
Contestant 17 glared at the keyboardist for a moment, then turned to Harry with a seductive smile and began singing (in a sweet, high-pitched voice):
"It seems crazy, but you must believe
There's nothing calculated, nothing planned
Please forgive me if I seem naïve
I would never want to force your hand
But you really should know
I'd be good for you"
Harry was scared. Draco Malfoy in a shimmering dress smiling seductively, sitting on a piano, and singing in a little-girl's voice was something out of a nightmare. Contestant 17 got off the piano and began shimmying towards Harry's couch, singing:
"I don't always rush in like this
Twenty seconds after saying hello
Telling strangers I'm too good to miss
If I'm wrong I hope you tell me so
But please understand
I'd be good for you
I'd be surprisingly good for you." Contestant 17 finished whilst stroking Harry's face. Harry's forehead beaded up.
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"That was scary." – Lockhart
"I love the dress." – Trelawney
"Do we need to get you a fan up there now, Harry?" – Moody
--
Contestant 17 laughed. She was actually talking and singing like herself, but her disguise made her look and sound like a cross-dressing Dilandau. Not that she minded. Dilandau was a pretty cool villain.
"Finally! Our last contestant, Contestant 18!"
The Rent-A-Band was relieved that this song was not a boring slow song, and so the keyboardist (now strapping on his guitar), guitarist, and drummer were very obliged to play the catchy opening. Even the blonde lead singer, who had had nothing much to do the entire time, was nice enough to sing backup. Maybe it was only because the backup was so fun to sing.
The fact that Contestant 18's disguise was of Madame Maxine did nothing to kill the catchiness of the song. He began singing:
"Ohhhh, reckless and indiscrete
I'm hypnotized beyond belief
Listen to my battle song
Cuz it's dissin' you all night long"
Harry cheered. Finally someone was not singing something with special meaning!
At least he hoped not.
Contestant 18 continued:
"New disasters at my feet
Of abuse and things I can't repeat
Desperate and givin' in
I don't know where to begin
It's hopeless, I'm cavin' in
Hopeless"
The music paused, and Contestant 18 sighed, "I can't win." Then the music started up again, and now that the lyrics had gotten depressing it was insane how the background stayed so catchy and even happy.
Contestant 18 sang:
"I'm going out of my head
I feel like I'm dead
I'm feeling lo-fi
I'll bottle up and explode
My angels have flown
Some things I can't hiiiii…yide…
I'm feeling lo-fi!"
Contestant 18 grinned. The lyrics only seemed to apply to him once every month, but he still loved that song.
And now for the judges' comments:
--
"Looks as though you were… having… fun…" – Lockhart
"You were amazing." – Trelawney
"The song seems to contradict itself. What EXACTLY are you doing? Next week come in with a purpose." – Moody
--
"Well, I figured Harry would be sick of everything else," Contestant 18 shrugged.
The audience murmured agreement.
"Wow, that was a smart decision then," Dumbledore pat Contestant 18 on the back and grinned cheesily, looking directly into the camera, "but we'll hafta see who Harry picks now… after the break."
Cue commercial break.
A person lying in bed with his arms crossed pouts at the camera. A jingle starts in the background.
"If you're feeling quite alone
And turning cold and blue
If you've got a lot of time
And got nothing to do"
All of a sudden a Spongebob Squarepants action figure magically pops up on the guy's lap. His mouth drops open in surprise and awe.
"Spongebob Squarepants is there for you
Spongebob Squarepants is there for you"
Then the scene switches a hand holding the action figure over a table. It demonstrates the possibilities.
"You can make its eyes pop out
Or hit it on the head
You can throw it at your wall
To hear it laugh instead"
"SHUT UP!" the guy screams, throwing the action figure because it will not stop laughing.
A screen pops up with the logo, price, and ordering phone number.
"Spongebob Squarepants is there for you
Spongebob Squarepants is there for you"
"Annnnd we're back, for the final moment of this episode!" Dumbledore announced, sounding slightly relieved. The contestants were all lined up on the stage, Harry standing upstage-left of them all.
"I'm going to sort you guys into groups of four, but before I do that, I'm going to make this a divisible group." Harry walked in front of everybody with a microphone.
"Contestants 6 and 8!" he suddenly called out.
Dumbledore cut in, "Contestant 6, you sang "Hello, Goodbye", by The Beatles. Contestant 8, you sang "Low", by Kelly Clarkson."
"Both of you are safe." Harry smiled. Those two contestants had been on the very top of his best list.
Both contestants grinned and sat down stage-right. Harry turned to the rest. "Now…"
A couple minutes later, Harry had sorted all of them into groups of four on different parts of the stage.
Group number 1 consisted of Contestant 18, Contestant 1, Contestant 16, and Contestant 12.
"Contestant 18," Dumbledore went across to them, "you sang "Lo-Fi", by The Exies. Contestant 1, you sang "It's Been Awhile", by Staind. Contestant 16, you sang "Your Eyes", from the musical Rent. Contestant 12, you sang "Yesterday", by The Beatles."
"Guess what, you guys are all safe!" Harry announced.
And then they moved onto the next group, which consisted of Contestants 4, 2, 14, and 7.
Dumbledore moved across again. "Contestant 4, you sang "Fade Away", by Seether. Contestant 2, you sang "Iris", by the Goo Goo Dolls. Contestant 14, you didn't sing "Invisible", by Clay Aiken. Contestant 7, you sang "Damned For All Time", from the musical Jesus Christ Superstar."
"I'm hurt by the boycott, so all of you guys are safe too," Harry glared at the Rent-A-Band.
Harry and Dumbledore moved onto the next group, Contestants 5, 3, 17, and 9. The other group began getting scared.
"Contestant 5, you sang "Colors", by Crossfade. Contestant 3, you sang "Razzle Dazzle", which was in the movie Chicago but actually came from a different Broadway show… I bet you didn't know that. Contestant 17, you sang "I'd Be Surprisingly Good For You", from the musical Evita. Contestant 9, you sang "Remedy", by Seether."
"You guys are safe tonight." Harry grinned.
"Which leaves us with this last group. You! Are! Our! BOTTOM FOUR!" Dumbledore boomed. The audience gasped. The four contestants jumped and began trembling (even though Contestant 10 NEVER trembles...).
Dumbledore stared down Contestant 10 as he announced, "Contestant 10, you sang "In Bloom", by Nirvana."
"Well, congratulations, you're safe." Harry shrugged, and Contestant 10 dashed off to the side in relief.
The remaining three looked up at Dumbledore, eyes emitting a plea of mercy. Dumbledore rolled his eyes and decided to give the results all in one. "Contestant 11, you sang "When You're Good To Mama", from the musical Chicago. Contestant 13, you sang "By My Side", by 3 Doors Down. Contestant 15, you sang "About Her", which is by… by…" Dumbledore looked up in disgust. "You didn't even know the artist??? Kill Bill doesn't count as a musical or an artist!" Contestant 15 cringed at the onslaught.
Harry looked at all of them. "Contestants 11 and 15, you guys are eliminated."
Cue dramatic music.
"Now show us who you are." Dumbledore went back to smiling the politicians' smile.
"What?!" yelped Contestant 11. The other contestants looked equally scared, because there was nothing in the sign-up sheet that said they had to reveal themselves.
"It was the stuff in 5-point font at the bottom," Contestant 1 whispered.
"Well?????" Dumbledore glared.
Contestant 11 reluctantly took off her frizzy brown-haired wig, and Contestant 15 looked both ways before removing her bald-cap.
Nymphadora Tonks (11) and Narcissa Malfoy (15) stood on the stage in the rest of their disguise apparel. Nobody was surprised about Tonks (because she liked doing these wild kinds of things), but Contestants 3 and 10 were shocked at Narcissa and Contestant 7 was going through a range from dark red to pale white in facial expressions.
Dumbledore smiled inwardly. He was going to get so popular with this show. Outragious scandals! Unfair eliminations! He wondered when he would begin his campaign.
Harry stared at the eliminated contestants. He wondered if all of the contestants were as crazy as these.
"Tune in for next week's episode of… WHO WANTS TO BE HARRY'S SNUGGLE-BUDDY!" Dumbledore exclaimed.
Roll credits (to the song "Breed" by Nirvana).
----
Plushies to rekahneko for guessing from the first chapter both Narcissa AND Tonks... I thought she'd finished the chapter at first and then she came back and surprised herself.