Had to split this in two, it was getting way too long. D:
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EPILOGUE
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Sunday~
"Is wife-sitting a new trend, or something?" Toshiie asked, confused. "I mean… I've never heard of it before…"
"Eh, I figure it's one o' those damned new-age things," said Katsuie, scratching his (balding) head, "like those damn little music things…"
"iPods?" asked Toshiie.
"No, that thing that eats those flat donut-shaped things in my car! Whatever it is!"
"CD players?"
"Don't get smart with me!" Katsuie scowled. "You learn how to operate one little dinky shitty thing and then you think you own the place!"
Toshiie rolled his eyes. "Where are you going anyway?"
"Some techno-expo thing," grumbled Katsuie, "boss says I'm getting too out of touch with the times. Fuck 'im, I say, when the end of the world happens, I'll be prepared, dammit!"
"Still running that kerosene lamp in your bedroom?" Toshiie guessed.
"You shaddap!" Katsuie fumbled about in his pockets for his room key, finally finding it—"dammit, how does this thing—" He swiped the card in the slot and scowled when it made a 'PLLLLLLLLT' sound of denial at him.
"Nobunaga still has that good ol' sense of humor, huh?" Toshiie chuckled. "Try using it the other way, old man."
"I was gonna do that!" grumbled Katsuie, tugging the card out of the slot and swiping it again.
"Yeah, three hours later when you ran out of possible combinations," agreed Toshiie. "So, uh, watch out for Oichi for a few days? I can do that."
"Stupid monkey-face was blabbin' somethin' about you helpin' his wife out," said Katsuie, kicking at the door to make it open, "so I figured, you don't do anythin' all day, might as well get you off your ass and do something productive—god DAMN this infernal creation! DAMMIT MONKEY YOU'RE BEHIND THIS, AREN'T YOU!?"
"No, you just don't know how to work the door, old man!"
"…no, stupid monkey's at work, I think… so he must have done this first thing in the morning! BASTARD!"
"…wait, Hideyoshi's at work right now?" Toshiie asked, his eyes widening.
"S' what I said, isn't it!? Don't tell me you're goin' deaf too, y—HEY!" Katsuie shouted, when Toshiie sprinted towards the elevator, "y'little shit, don't you run off when I'm insulting you!"
"Katsuie?" asked Oichi, opening the door, "everything all right, dear?"
"Oichi!" said Katsuie, eyes widening, "you managed to open the door—I'm truly not worthy of such a wonderful wife!"
"I do my best," said Oichi, smiling, "…has the mail gotten here yet?"
-
Monday~
"Oh, hi, Toshiie," said Oichi, opening the door, "come in, come in, Katsuie just left…"
"Yeah, I saw him when I was getting on the elevator from the lobby, old bastard hit all the buttons too," grumbled Toshiie.
Oichi laughed. "Yep, that does sound like him~ thanks for coming to stay with me, by the way, Katsuie knows I don't like being home alone!"
"No problem at all," said Toshiie, dropping his stuff on the floor and grinning at her, "wouldn't want you to have to re-enact what you did to those burglars with that kendama a couple weeks ago…"
Oichi laughed again. "Oh, you mean that? That was nothing, they were only in critical care in the hospital for about a week!"
"Better hope they don't sue," commented Toshiie, and he noticed the picture of the handsome blonde (speaking as a straight guy, at least, this little blondie had nothing on him!) on the coffee table.
Oichi caught his gaze and smiled weakly. "I bet you're wondering who that is?" she guessed.
"Shibata better not have found a adolescent friend he likes more than me," grumbled Toshiie, "…that sounded really weird, didn't it?"
"I understand the reference," Oichi assured him, "but, uh, wouldn't advise you to say that in public…"
"Right."
"Anyway, this guy… he was my first husband," Oichi said, sounding sad. "His name was Nagamasa, Nagamasa Azai. He was wonderful, the sweetest man I've ever met, and let me tell you how long his—"
"OKAY," interrupted Toshiie loudly.
"I was going to say how long his love poetry for me was," sniffed Oichi, "get your head out of the gutter, Toshiie—but actually while we're on the subject he did measure in at a whopping 10 and a half inches—"
Toshiie made a bit of a face, looking down at his crotch a bit self-doubtingly.
"Anyway," said Oichi, sighing, "this day, two years ago, he died. In a car accident."
"Oh," said Toshiie, feeling bad, "I'm sorry, Oichi…"
"And ever since then there's been a black cloud of misery floating over my head," sniffled Oichi, "he was so young and wonderful and and and—"
"I guess it's true about only the good die young?" offered Toshiie.
"Was that supposed to make me feel better!?"
"…yes?"
"You're terrible at this sympathy thing, you know that?"
Toshiie groaned. According to Keiji (who used to come wailing to him every time Okuni broke up with him (happened every other week, nowadays)), he had the sensitivity of a blunt axe when it came to dealing with sad things. Because it was no good to dwell on sad things! Look towards the future!
"Well… at least you found Katsuie?" Toshiie offered.
Oichi burst into tears.
Toshiie groaned. Oh, man. He sucked. "Don't cry!" he said quickly, "uhh—I mean—well, uh, Nagamasa would want you to be happy?"
"How do I know he wanted me to be happy? He never said he would be! If he had said "Oichi, if I were to die in some sort of a freak car accident three feet from the house we share, I want you to be happy!" then okay, but he never said something like that!"
"And why would he?" agreed Toshiie, admittedly having no idea what to say to cheer up the miserable crying woman, "uhhh…"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," said Oichi, wiping her eyes, "you're right, it's no good to dwell over the past—"
Toshiie had absolutely no idea how Oichi had read his fucking mind, but he just smiled and nodded. "What… happened to him?" he asked, looking at the picture of Nagamasa again, "car accident, you said?"
"Yeah," sniffled Oichi, "and it wasn't just any car accident, some moron was—oh, I'll just tell you what happened…"
-
Two years ago~
Nagamasa Azai cheerfully jogged down the sidewalk of the street he lived on with his darling wife Oichi, waving to all the neighbors, saying hello to all the birds~ everything was just wonderful in the life of Nagamasa~
He inhaled deeply and exhaled, a giant smile threatening to overtake his handsome face. "Hello world and all who inhabit it! What a beautiful day~ the sun is shining, the birds are chirping~ I look good, I feel good, and I'm wearing a smile that says 'Nagamasa Azai, you're a winner!' Nothing could possibly make this moment horrib—"
SQUISH.
Katsuie looked in his rear-view mirror to see what the hell he ran over, and recognized a familiar blonde head of hair. He grinned, evilly.
"Well. I certainly don't regret that," he said, resisting the urge to burst out laughing. Maybe he'd make a call to Oichi a bit later… after he stopped driving on the sidewalk, of course…
-
"I don't like to talk about it," Oichi wailed.
"I'm sorry," said Toshiie, wide-eyed, "…that's terrible, but… at least you got the old man out of it?"
"Oh, yes," said Oichi, smiling weakly, "Katsuie is a wonderful man…"
"He is," said Toshiie, smiling, "as good as a father, in my case!"
"…and a terrible husband he doesn't satisfy my needs at aaaaall," wailed Oichi, dissolving into tears again, "he's fifty-eight years old and although he's such a sweet man he can't—and we don't—aaaaaaaarghhhh!" She wailed into her hands for a moment, and then finally just flung herself right into Toshiie's arms, crying into his shirt and making Toshiie reaaaaaally hoping she couldn't read minds.
After about a good hour of Oichi sobbing into his chest, Toshiie was really regretting bringing the subject of Katsuie and his awesomeness up. Well, then again how was he supposed to know Oichi's rather tragic past—"come on, Oichi, please don't cry—" He tried patting her back a bit.
"I can't help but cry! Do you know what it's like to live a life with no sex!?" whined Oichi, "it's awful! Ever since Nagamasa died I just—" And she broke off in more wails.
"You—you haven't had sex in two years!?" squawked Toshiie, "how long have you been married to the old man again!?"
"Like six months!" sniffled Oichi, "we have to wait for his shipment of Viagra to get here!" She sobbed messily, wiping at her eyes. "And it keeps getting delayed!!" She burst into more tears and was back at it again.
Toshiie made gagging faces over Oichi's head. EW.
-
Tuesday~
"Oichi, someone coming over?" Toshiie asked, noticing Oichi fluffing up pillows.
"Oh, yes, my stupid bitch of a sister-in-law," grumbled Oichi, sighing loudly. "I recommend hiding. Now. She's—"
"Oichi, my dear, how long to you intend to keep me standing out here waiting?" came a voice at the door, a familiar voice that made Toshiie's blood drop a couple hundred degrees in temperature. Oichi sighed, smoothing her pink blouse, and went to answer the door.
"Nō," she greeted with no enthusiasm, "looking well, as always."
"Yes, yes… and I see your husband isn't supporting you, as always," said Nō, looking around disdainfully, "still running on kerosene lamps?"
"Well, perhaps if Nobunaga didn't work him to death, he could figure something out," said Oichi with a bright smile, her eye twitching (urge to sink fingernails into Nō's neck and rip it out RISING). "Nō, this is Toshiie, he's—"
"Toshiie Maeda?" Nō asked curiously.
"Yes?" said Oichi, blinking, "you know Toshiie?" She looked around for him, and frowned. "He was just here—Toshiie? Where'd you go?"
"Sent him running for the hills already, have you?" Nō asked, shaking her head.
Oichi was quite tempted to smash the front door into Nō's face, and then rip it off the hinges and smash Nō with it until she was nothing more than a puddle of purple condescending ooze, but instead swallowed her Oda wrath and settled for smiling. "Well, I think the mention of your name is what sent him running…"
(Toshiie was currently hiding in the bathtub.)
Nō smirked, sitting in the recliner and crossing her legs, licking her lips. "I can wait for him to surface," she purred, "I'd like to get as much… quality time… with Toshiie as I can get, you see…"
"And what does that mean?" Oichi asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies," answered Nō.
Oichi just rolled her eyes. Stupid sister-in-law.
-
Friday~
Toshiie had actually been a bit reluctant to rebound so quickly from Nene, who had potential of being the absolute love of his life were she not married to Hideyoshi.
But now that he was fucking Oichi up against the living room wall, with her legs wrapped around his waist, one hand running through his hair crazily and her other groping his ass, with her loud squeals filling up the house, well, uh, yeah. Awkward.
Not really. Oichi was moaning in his ear, Toshiie wasn't paying attention to anything but Oichi and giving her the best sex she'd had in her entire life, and both of them were so wrapped up in their own little world of horny—heck, their whole little week of horny, considering they'd been at this since Tuesday night when Oichi'd jumped him when he was asleep—that neither of them noticed the front door swing open, and a cheerful Katsuie enter the house with a loud "OIIIIIIIIIIICHI~".
Katsuie frowned. Hey, what was—and then he heard the moaning, and turned to see Toshiie fucking his beautiful wife against the wall—"TOSHIIE!" he bellowed, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?"
"I would think that's fairly—SHIBATA OH FUCKING HELL," gasped Toshiie—"you—what—"
"KATSUIE!?" gasped Oichi, picking her head up from Toshiie's shoulder—"uh, hee hee, I can explain—why are you home early!?"
"I decided to come home early to see my wife, rather than spend another lonely night in that blasted hotel—TOSHIIE GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY WIFE YOU LITTLE SHIT!"
"B-b-b-but—you said to take care of her! And—and give her what she wanted! And—" Toshiie was caught red-handed—and, uh, boob-handed; "I'm sorry!?" he offered, and winced for a punch anyway.
"SORRY DOESN'T FIX YOU FUCKING MY WIFE," Katsuie raged, "you little shit, where the hell do you get off—"
"That's exactly it, Katsuie!" complained Oichi, speaking up, "I don't get off! Unless I'm in the bathroom, alone, because you never have sex with me!"
"I'm fifty-eight years old!"
"Then stop being so cheap and go for the expedited shipping on the Viagra!"
Katsuie made a series of unpleasant-looking faces and mimed at Toshiie—"not in front of him!" he hissed, "dammit, Oichi I got an image to maintain in front of the little—"
"He already knows everything," said Oichi tauntingly, "even the topography of my boobs!" She stuck her tongue out at her husband.
Toshiie would personally rather be punched in the face rather than listen to any more tales of Katsuie and Oichi's erectile dysfunction-induced marriage problems, and tried to make a grab for his pants discreetly.
Except since it'd been a good three days since he'd put a pair of pants on, so he didn't know where the hell to actually find a pair. He tried to slink over towards the bedroom all ninja-like, but since he was over six feet tall and nearly 200 pounds of muscle, therefore not ninja-like at all, Katsuie grabbed him by his hair and dragged him back, getting in his face.
Ew. Angry Katsuie was an ugly Katsuie.
"I'M STILL NOT DONE WITH YOU, YOU NAKED LITTLE PIGLET—how the hell could you possibly think 'watch out for her' meant have sex with her!? Didn't anyone ever teach you any manners!? You don't tread on a man's territory and touch his wife!" Katsuie hollered, gushing hot air into Toshiie's face.
"You winked!" Toshiie explained feebly.
"SINCE WHEN DOES A WINK MEAN FUCK MY WIFE!?"
"Well when said wife is completely unsatisfied I think it's in order!" huffed Oichi, "Toshiie, you're welcome here whenever you're in the neighborhood!"
"NO HE IS NOT!"
"YES HE IS! Toshiie's my new friend now! Don't be mad just because he likes me more than he likes you!"
"HE DOESN'T LIKE ANYONE MORE THAN HE LIKES ME!"
"Actually—"
"YOU SHUT UP! Nobody likes you, wife-stealer!"
"But—"
"Don't worry, Toshiie, I like you!"
"Would you stop it already!? Dammit Oichi—"
"Would you stop it already!?" Oichi mimicked, "you're just not the man you thought you were if Toshiie could come in here and steal my heart just like that!"
Toshiie had to speak up at that—"You jumped me!"
Oichi glared at Toshiie, giving him a 'PLAY ALONG' look, and Toshiie was actually more inclined to follow the orders of the guy with the death grip on his hair—he offered Katsuie a sheepish smile. "I'm sorry?" he offered.
"You're lucky you're my damn protégé or I'd kick you outta my house so hard you'd be tasting my boot," Katsuie growled, "now get, or I'll beat your ass to the heavens and back!"
All right, Toshiie had had quite enough of this abuse—he waited until Katsuie finally let him go ('letting him go' should more accurately say 'threw him into the coffee table') and got up, finally finding a pair of his pants.
"You know, Katsuie," he began, ignoring Oichi who was miming all sorts of dirty activity at him, "I reckon I've already been to heaven."
"Hmph," grumbled Katsuie. "I don't wanna hear about whatever bullshit PCP dreams you're goin' on about!"
"LCD," corrected Oichi, rolling her eyes.
"LSD," Toshiie corrected them both, sighing—"no, actually, it wasn't on an LSD-induced hallucination, thanks." He looked around before grinning. "It was inside your wife."
Oichi was shocked. Toshiie was proud (that came out just like he wanted it to!). Katsuie had an odd expression on his face. And then he grinned. Not just any grin. That was Katsuie's special grin.
"Let me respond to that in the following way," he began.
-
Kunoichi sighed, kicking a rock across the street. Finding out her longtime boyfriend Yukimura Sanada had been cheating on her with the guy she'd been cheating on him with had been awkward, needless to say. Stupid Mitsunari and his dumb suggestions for a threesome.
Heck, she'd thought Yukimura had been The One, until she'd gotten bored with him; she'd met Mitsunari at Yukimura's birthday party, and after the two of them had gotten thoroughly wasted, their hungover and naked selves were kicked out of the back of Kanetsugu Naoe's 'Pickup Truck of Honor' (laugh if you must, but Kanetsugu had to beat women off his 'Sword of Honor'), had decided they were made for each other, and proceeded to have sex they could remember.
The affair had continued for a good four and a half years until she walked in on him and Yukimura, err, having naked time, and the shit hit the fan when they both saw her at once and exclaimed "Kunoichi, join the party!" That had gotten some rather odd looks.
ANYWAY… Kunoichi made a face, looking up at the night sky. When was she gonna get her rising sun!?
Well, pun not intended, since it was nighttime and all that, but—damn it all, but was it too much to ask for? That a ridiculously attractive naked guy is going to fall from the sky and be held completely at her mercy? And like it?
As if the gods above were answering her prayers, a window broke on the 10th floor of Oda Towers, and a naked Toshiie was promptly kicked out of the Shibata apartment by a furious Katsuie and sent flying through the air like some sort of attractive naked screaming projectile.
Kunoichi was too busy not paying attention to notice, but when Toshiie hit the ground with a loud "OOF!", she spun around, and her eyes widened. A lot.
A huge grin spread across her lips, and she mouthed a quick 'thank you!' at whatever higher deities who liked her enough to grant her this, before grabbing Toshiie's arms and hauling him up.
"Where am I," Toshiie asked groggily (apparently having had hit his head upon impact).
"You're safe, don't worry," said Kunoichi, a perverted, evil grin plastered to her face. "Can't make any guarantees for later, of course…"
-
I got ideas for this one all over the place; Koei Wiki mentioned that Toshiie had a crush on Nene historically, or something, which is where I got the idea for that a while back. And according to the same Koei Wiki, Toshiie was also an admirer of Oichi too (get in line, buddy). Guy gets around! XD