When Steve woke, Bucky was gone. Only the faintest light managed to penetrate a small crevice in the rocks overhead. The lamp had long since been blown out to conserve the precious fuel. Steve wasn't worried. Bucky had already told him he might wake alone. He knew Bucky needed to keep his body wet, and he was probably out hunting, stretching muscles that had gone unused during what had been a short night of sleep.
Steve smiled to himself at the memories as he sat up carefully, sore and tired from the prior night's exertions. Christmas morning. He had never imagined this was how he'd spend the holiday, but it was where he most wanted to be. With Bucky gone, it was a good time to get out some of his supplies.
Carefully, he stood up and made his way along the narrow ledge to open the bag closest to him. As he bent forward, he hit his head on an overhang that had been hidden in the shadows. Jerking back out of reflex, he lost his balance and tumbled head first into the water.
Sputtering, he righted himself and tried to haul his tired body back onto the ledge. The tide was low and despite several attempts, Steve was unable to find purchase on the slippery rocks. Nor did he have the strength to surge out of the water and leap to the ledge as Bucky did so easily, propelled by a powerful tail. At least he had his rash suit on so he'd stay warm, he thought to himself as he leaned his bleeding head on his arms while holding on to the rocky overhang. Hopefully, Bucky would return soon and rescue him.
"Can't leave you for a minute, can I?" Bucky said behind him some time later.
Steve roused from his stupor, desire surging through him despite the ache in his arms. "Warned you last night you'd be glad to be rid of me," he mumbled, letting go of the rocks as he sank with relief into Bucky's firm grip.
"What happened?"
"Gravity."
Bucky blew a note of amusement and moved so Steve was sitting on his shoulder. Effortlessly, he pumped his tail and lifted Steve up, holding him steady so he could crawl onto the widest part of the ledge. Steve collapsed into the bed of seaweed, moving back against the cave wall so Bucky could join him.
Bucky sank low in the water for a moment, then surged up with a powerful thrust of his tail to land easily beside Steve. He rolled over and stretched out beside his human friend.
"Show off."
Bucky just rolled his eyes and motioned for Steve to go back to sleep.
"Need help with something first," Steve mumbled, pulling Bucky closer so he could press his whole body against him. "You know the effect you have on me."
Bucky used the contact to send another image of a cozy hotel room. Concern surged through their connection.
"Nope. Not getting rid of me so easily. Now stop stalling and take care of me so I can get some sleep." Steve demanded, nuzzling and kissing Bucky's throat and gills, taking extra care to be gentle with the delicate tissues.
Bucky moaned and put a hand on the back of Steve's head, holding him where he was.
"Like that, do you?"
That earned him a low-pitched laugh.
"I think I'm going to have a lot of fun over the next few days as I explore this new body of yours," Steve said softly between kisses.
Bucky sent him a feeling of strong pleasure mixed with amusement and resignation to his fate as Steve's object of exploration.
When he woke, Bucky was brooding. Nothing Steve said as he opened and consumed a military style field ration seemed to pull his friend out of his mood. Bucky just stayed silent as he watched Steve eat, then sent a tentative image of a hotel room again, followed by images of fancy restaurants and buffets of food.
Steve jerked back angrily. "I thought you wanted me here."
"I do!" Bucky said, hurt plain in his eyes.
"Then why do you keep trying to get me to go to a hotel? If I'm cramping your style, just say so. Don't try to package it as concern if you really don't want me around twenty-four seven."
"It's not like that!"
"Then what is it like? Talk to me! Yell at me. Just do something so I understand." Steve got up and moved so he was sitting on Bucky's lap, facing him. "Am I hurting you, sitting on you like this?" he asked softly.
Bucky shook his head but didn't meet his eyes. Instead, he kept his chin lowered so his damp hair hid his face.
Steve clasped his hand. "Please, Buck."
Defeated, Bucky dropped his head to rest on Steve's shoulder and opened the connection between them. Steve was flooded with soul-crushing loneliness and despair, watching from afar as the humans on shore went about their busy lives, laughing and talking together. He saw couples walking hand in hand on the beach, families playing in the sand, Steve coming to visit him. But always, when the sun went down, he was alone, cut off from humanity and the life had had once enjoyed. Seeing Steve made him feel alive again, but when Steve returned to land, the loss was sharp. In some ways, it hurt more to have him visit and leave, since it only reminded him of what he had lost. At least the five years of solitude had the blessings of mindless boredom and a focus on survival. When Steve went home, Bucky wasn't sure how he'd endure the loneliness. That generated a new wave of feeling: shame and embarrassment at his own weakness, dread about the end of Steve's visit, and guilt that he was keeping Steve from living his own life.
"Oh, Buck," Steve whispered, wrapping his arms around his friend to pull him even closer. "The last few months have been awful for me, too. But we can make better plans now. Before, you were under a deadline to get somewhere warm. It's never going to be that bad again. I promise. Help me move those bags up away from the edge and I'll show you what I brought," Steve said as he got up and moved out of Bucky's way. Bucky slipped back into the water and grabbed the bags on at a time, handing them up to Steve.
He settled with his back to the cave wall with the two duffel bags beside him and lit the lantern that was nearby. He motioned and Bucky finally shrugged and planted himself next to Steve, scooting back so he was sitting beside him.
"Close your eyes," Steve said as he opened the bag and rummaged around.
Bucky rolled his eyes, but finally complied. Steve shoved a water-logged Santa cap on Bucky's head after donning his own. "Merry Christmas."
"Seriously?" Bucky grumbled in a low voice.
"Smile and be quiet. You can have me as a present later."
Bucky whistled sarcastically at him, but otherwise held his tongue.
"Okay, I didn't wrap anything because soggy wrapping paper didn't seem festive. But I have several things. If you don't want any of it, or don't think it will be useful, no problem. I promise I won't be offended. We never had much of a chance to talk about you could use, and I know you don't want to be lugging a lot of gear thousands of miles. So you have to promise me you'll tell me if you want me to take anything back and replace it with something I didn't think of. Deal?"
That got him a wary nod.
"Here," Steve said, handing him a diving watch. "It might make it easier to plan when and where to meet me if you have this. I get the impression you've lost track of the calendar a bit. You mentioned last night you've been watching the beaches for me for several weeks now."
Bucky nodded, taking the watch with shaking hands and immediately put it on his wrist.
"I set it for the time back home, just so you know. We can change it to local time if you want."
Bucky shook his head firmly, examining the dial and gently tracing the date with one clawed finger. It brought a lump to Steve's throat to see how much it meant to his friend. He hoped that his other surprises were as well received.
"Okay, the next item on the list was a bit of a gamble. But you told me how hard it was to hunt, so I got to thinking how I could help with that." Steve handed over a small, fine mesh net and a loop with a telescoping handle that Bucky could attach to the net. "There are extra nets in this bag in case they rip," he added as he passed Bucky the snorkeling bag. "I don't know if the handle will help or not. It might be worth a try, at least. I figured between the waist and shoulder strap, you can find a way to carry them without too much drag. The carabiners are from a manufacturer specializing in marine gear, so they should last you a long time without rusting even though they're made of steel.
Bucky pulled him into a hug then, sending Steve a wave of gratitude before strapping the bag around his waist and looping the second strap over shoulder and across his torso. He hooked the handle beneath one strap, clipped it to one of the dozen or so carabiners that were attached to the waist and shoulder straps, and motioned to Steve that he'd be back in a bit, raising his eyebrow to make sure Steve was okay waiting.
"Go ahead," he said, smiling. "But you might want to leave the hat here so you don't scare your dinner.
Bucky rolled his eyes, tossed his hat into Steve's lap, and flung himself off the ledge. With a flash of silver scales, he was gone.
Pleased at Bucky's reaction, Steve retrieved the thick wool blanket he'd packed along with two new camping pads. Once the pads were inflated and in place under the seaweed, he blew out the lamp, wrapped himself in the blanket, and settled down to nap while he waited for Bucky to return. Even if hunting were still a struggle, he knew Bucky felt cared about, which was doubly important now that he knew just how lonely Bucky had been feeling.
Steve woke when Bucky put a cold, wet arm around him. Opening his eyes, he saw that Bucky was positively glowing with excitement, head propped on one elbow as he watched Steve. Steve held out his hand and Bucky sent him images of how he'd chased a school of fish into a tight ball, then scooped through them with the net, filling it with a single pass. By twisting the net around, he was able to close the net until he reached the surface, then gorge himself on his catch, feeling truly full for first time in weeks.
Steve brushed the tears away from his eyes and hugged Bucky hard. "I'm glad, Buck. I won't worry so much about you getting enough to eat now. Since you're full, do you think you can sit still long enough to see the rest of what I brought?"
"There's more?" Bucky was incredulous. He lay down flat, rolling onto his back as he moved. "You even brought padding for the rocks. You need to be careful with how much you spend. The plane ticket alone was a small fortune."
"Don't worry about it. I'm saving on hotel costs. The camping pads can stay here. I'll bring you others when you come back up north. The blanket is mainly for me, but I'm leaving it here for you. It will make a nice pillow, at least. But I'm eager to see what you think of this next item," Steve said, grinning in the dim light as he sat up and reached for the bag nearest him. "It's going to be really handy in the next few minutes, especially if you keep talking." With that, Steve pulled out a small LED lamp and turned it on. The light was small but quite bright. In the small space of the cave, it now looked like mid-day.
Bucky smiled sadly. "I like it, but when the battery dies, it's trash."
Steve just grinned and pulled out a small rectangular pad. "That's why you now have a solar charger that works with the battery in the lamp. I figure you can leave the lamp here when you head north. It's no big deal to get you a second one for back home. The only drawback is that charging can be a bit slow. You'll need to find somewhere to set them out in the sun for a few hours where no one will find them."
"That's easy. There are lots of small islands around here that tourists can't get to 'cause they're too rocky." He looked at Steve, who was panting hard now and doing his best to hold on to his remaining control. Bucky smiled and rolled his eyes, no longer feeling guilty about the affect his voice had on Steve. He watched as Steve looked at him in bright light for the first time.
Steve reached out to touch Bucky's delicate fins, stroking them carefully as they shimmered in the light. "You're so gorgeous, Buck. Someday, you have to let me draw you."
"Okay. Now c'mere."
"I'm really glad you're here, Steve," Bucky said as he ran his hands down Steve's back. Steve was sprawled on him like a warm blanket, his two-piece rash guard temporarily discarded on the cave floor.
"Me, too. I'm never going to get tired of hearing your voice. I don't care about the magic part. It's just that after five years…" Steve's voice trailed off, the lump in his throat making speech impossible.
"I know. I've missed you, too. Is there anything you wanted to do while you're here? Neither of us got to travel much, before. Rio has a lot to offer."
"I need to go ashore long enough today to stock up on drinks. I've already burned though the water I brought with me from the airport. Distilling enough seawater to keep me going will take too much time. But I brought snorkeling gear. I was hoping you knew of some places far enough off shore that we could make a day trip out of it without being in danger of being seen. I can take some of the food I brought with me if it's easier. But I've got some waterproof matches… if you can catch enough for both of us, surely there's a beach with enough driftwood for a small fire I can cook on."
"Not into raw fish?" Bucky teased before kissing the top of Steve's head. "You don't know what you're missing."
Steve laughed, filled with contentment that they could joke about such things without risking hurt feelings. "I'll take your word for it. Can we go? Is there anywhere that's safe for us to explore?"
"Yeah, I know a few places, actually. Even found a few shipwrecks over the years that I'm not sure others have discovered. The currents can be tricky. Don't worry, though. I'll keep you safe."
"Never doubted it. You always did." Steve sighed. "I just want to stay here forever."
Bucky squeezed him tighter for a moment, but didn't otherwise acknowledge the sentiment. "It's too bad you don't have scuba gear."
"I thought about, started researching it even. But the more I looked into it, the more I realized it wouldn't work. Between the mandatory buddy systems and dive logs, there would be too many questions. I won't put you in danger like that. I just need to learn to hold my breath longer."
"You do that. Plus, I can go down while you stay at the surface, then come show you what I saw. It will keep you from wearing yourself out as fast."
"Okay. But you need to open that connection the next time we make love. You agreed we needed to try that and you seem to have forgotten."
"I didn't forget," Bucky said, his voice low and melodic. "Just didn't want to overwhelm you."
Steve lifted his head off of Bucky's chest and looked him in the eye. "I dare you to try."
"Challenge accepted," Bucky rumbled as he rolled them both over, pinning Steve beneath his own body. "Name the time and place."
"Here. Now." Further words were impossible as Bucky kept his promise. Steve wept at the power of the emotions flooding them both. Words weren't necessary in the face of the raw devotion and love flowing between them. They lost track of who was feeling what, joining on a level neither imagined was possible, before falling into a deep sleep, still tangled in each other's arms.
Steve blushed a bit as he went into the convenience store that was open. It was nearly ten in the evening, but Copacabana beach was full of activity. He felt out extremely of place dressed in his two-piece rash suit and boat shoes, but he tried to ignore that and act like he belonged there.
He put a case of water on his shoulder, bought two more individual bottles, paid the clerk with money that looked like it came of out of a board game, and headed back to the shore. Once outside, he guzzled one of the individual water bottles down, then chased it with the other before discarding the empty containers in a nearby recycling bin. He kept to the sidewalk until the crowds thinned, then turned and headed directly to the surf, hoping his odd behavior would be overlooked by people who had more interesting things to do than observe the movements of one oddly dressed man a carrying a case of bottled water on his shoulder.
A piercing two-toned whistle reached him and he smiled, picking up the pace a bit to reach the water's edge. Once the water reached his knees, Steve stretched out in the surf, pushing the case of water ahead of him, and started swimming to where Bucky was waiting.
He put his arms around Bucky's neck and held on as Bucky simultaneously pushed the case of water and towed Steve into deeper water.
"Everything go okay?"
"Yeah. Just felt weird being around that many people for some reason."
Bucky huffed a laugh. "I'll be right back. Are you okay waiting?" He paused, watching Steve carefully.
Steve paused, evaluating how he was feeling, then nodded. "Maybe I'm building a tolerance. Go on. Just hurry, Christmas day is nearly over and you still haven't let me give you the rest of your stuff.
He could tell Bucky wanted to say more, but didn't want to risk affecting Steve with his voice. "Just go already! You can argue with me when you get back," Steve said, grinning in the moonlight.
When they were once again seated in Bucky's sleeping area, Steve dug in his bag and handed over his next gift: a diving knife and sheath. "It's a titanium blade, so it won't rust," he explained, watching as Bucky examined the rubber handle, testing the grip in his webbed hand.
"You thought of everything," Bucky said in wonder.
"Tried to." Steve said as he handed him a small sharpening stone and sheath strap to secure the blade to his waist. "It's small enough to fit in the bag if you prefer."
Bucky shook his head. "Strapped on is better. But I'll tether it to a carabiners as backup." He looked sideways at Steve. "I don't suppose you brought nylon rope, too, did you?" He smiled smugly as Steve winced and shook his head.
"Missed that one. I'll buy you some in the next couple of days. Would a thin chain be better?"
"It will just rust. Besides, rope's more versatile."
"You'll have to tell me what exactly you want. And that's going to be easier than you think," Steve said, unable to keep his excitement out of his voice. "But we'll get to that." He handed Bucky a small notebook and pen. "Waterproof paper and a pen that writes in the rain. Underwater might be a bit much, but you can try it and see."
"We're pen pals now?" Bucky gave him a sidelong glance.
Steve laughed "You get the mail service issue fixed and I'll send you a package every week. I have a larger notebook, too, with something I want to show you later. But you get the idea."
"You want me to write daily to do lists."
Steve cuffed his arm lightly. "Jerk. Keep that up and see if I give you the two things I'm most excited about."
"There's more? Seriously, Steve, you went a bit nuts. These things aren't cheap."
"I've missed you. And since someone willed his estate to me, I happen to have a bit of spare change lying around. Don't worry about it. And don't be mad…."
He got out two satellite phones, each encased in waterproof cases. "I'm not going to be cut off from you again if I can help it," Steve said softly, handing Bucky his phone. "You can use the solar charger on it. We need to test them while I'm here to see if your voice has the same effect over the phone or not. It won't be pleasant if I'm trying to swim a few thousand miles to get to you—"
"Don't even joke about that," Bucky snapped, concern plain on his face as he handled the phone reverently.
"Which is why we'll test it here. But the thing is, even if your voice is a trigger, we can still send emails and texts. Those use less battery power, too. I know typing on the small screens can be a bit of a nuisance. It's not ideal, but at least this way we can be in contact no matter where we are on the globe. If you need me, you can let me know and I can fly down to wherever you're at. You don't have to be alone any more, Buck."
"These are really waterproof?"
Bucky's voice was filed with more emotion than Steve had ever heard before and he put his hand over Bucky's in silent acknowledgment.
"Up to about twenty feet or so. I know it's a gamble. The tech may fail. But I want to try. If I end up getting you a couple of backup units to stash, that's okay. No, they're not cheap, but it's a small price to pay for peace of mind for both of us. I just need to know I can talk to you sometimes. We can spend some time over the next few days getting you up to speed on how to use them. I've set them up, but I haven't had a chance to test them in the field."
"Even if I need you, I won't always be able to tell you where I'm at. Rio had a distinctive landmark."
"They're satellite phones, Buck. They track our positions. And before you worry, I figure anyone bored enough to go looking at the data will assume you're on a boat. Chances are, no one will even go looking. The companies that run these services have too much information to manage to go digging up individual users' data unless they get a warrant from the police."
"If I power I off, it will save the battery," Bucky said, thinking aloud. "If I turn it on once or twice a day, will I still get messages from you?"
Steve nodded. "The only thing you'd miss would be live calls, which we can always schedule ahead of time. These phones do suck down power, so anything you can do to save the battery is a good thing. But I think we can make this work. If daily messages are too frequent, it's okay. I don't want to chain you to technology." Steve wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, refusing to admit he was crying. "I just can't go through the next few months feeling like I did during the last three."
"We'll figure it out," Bucky promised.
Steve nodded, and reached into the duffel bag again.
"More?" Bucky was incredulous.
"This is the last thing, I promise," Steve smiled. "At least until I buy that rope. Oh, I forgot to tell you: the sat phones have internet access, too. You can surf the web and go shopping on Amazon. I've already set up the login, but I also wrote my username and password down in that notebook I gave you. If you discover something you need, put it into the cart and I'll get it to you. We can test it out with the rope and have you find exactly what you want. I'll take my phone with me when I go to the store tomorrow and they'll be able to make sure I get the right thing since I'll be able to show them the picture even though I don't speak Portuguese."
"Steve…" Bucky whispered, putting his arms around him and tucking his head onto his shoulder.
"Love you, too, pal. I'm just glad to have you back."
"When I'm with you, I forget I'm a monster," Bucky whispered sadly.
"We're back to that again? The only monsters are the ones who changed you without your consent. I know you have avoided seeking them out and I understand why. I'd be leery of what else they might do to you, too. But you, Bucky, are not a monster. You're just a guy who swims better than he used to."
Bucky shook his head. "Not even human anymore."
Steve pressed his hand on Bucky's chest. "Yes, you are. You're still the same man inside. They took your legs, not your humanity. Once you understood the effect your voice had on people, you isolated yourself rather than risk harming them. You wouldn't even talk to me, though I know that must have nearly killed you. I know you, Bucky, and you are not a monster. Don't you see how beautiful you are?"
Bucky just gazed at him, wanting to believe but unable to see the truth in Steve's words.
"It's okay. I'll believe it enough for both of us until I convince you I'm right."
That earned him a familiar huff of amusement and disgust.
"Seriously, you're bringing down the mood, and that's not okay, not on Christmas. I have one more thing for you."
"I don't have anything for you."
"You already gave it to me, back in the fall when you let me close enough to know it was really you. You're back from the dead, Buck. There's nothing I can ever do for you that will top that. Now stop arguing and take a look at this," Steve said, shoving a Kindle, protected in a waterproof case, into his hands. "Ever see one of these before?"
Bucky shook his head. "What is it?"
"A library's worth of books. It's called an ereader. I think they were just coming out when you shipped out. The only time it uses power is when you turn the page or use the built-in light. Yes, you can charge it with the solar charger. You can also connect it to the satellite phone and download more books. I can even get you a newspaper subscription if you want. Not everything on Amazon is available in this format, but there's enough that you'll always be able to find something you like."
"You can't afford to keep buying me books, Punk."
"I don't have to. You also have access to the Free Library of Philadelphia. I bought us an annual library card. They let out-of-state residents do that.[1] The log in is all set up on the phone and written down in that book I gave you. They have a ton of electronic books you can load to this device. When the checkout time is up, they just expire and disappear. I figure if you don't have to spend every waking moment hunting for food, I'd better do something so you don't go crazy from boredom. Tell me what you're reading and I'll read them too."
"A book club?" Bucky's eyebrow shot up, amusement plain in his voice.
"Just for us," Steve agreed, nodding. "I do draw the line at Tolkien. Him you can read all by yourself. I bought you the set, so they're already loaded. I'm willing to listen while you read aloud to me, but I'll be enjoying your voice, not the story."
Bucky laughed heartily, pushing the hair out of his eyes again. "You never did like Tolkien. It's one of your biggest flaws."
"No one is perfect." Steve leaned against his friend, broaching the next subject carefully. "I'd go nuts if my hair kept getting in my face like that. Isn't it even worse swimming?"
"In case you haven't noticed, most barbershops cater to people with legs. Until you gave me that knife, I haven't had anything to even try cutting it with." Bucky lay down, pulling Steve with him so Steve lay with his head on Bucky's chest.
"I brought a comb and scissors with me." Steve said softly. "Or I can get you some hair ties and barrettes if you want." His voice was gentle, even teasing. "Maybe we can braid some seaweed in, too. Start a new fashion trend."
"Remember how we used to cut each other's hair, before I joined the navy?" Bucky asked, sending him a memory of Steve perched on a kitchen stool while Bucky gave him a mostly-even haircut.
"The price was right. You were always better at it than I was, though."
"Who's going to criticize your work now? Get your scissors." Bucky slid into the water, motioning for Steve to join him. "I'm not sleeping in clippings," he explained.
"This might get tricky with me trying to tread water while getting it even."
"Stand on my tail," Bucky told him, curling the appendage so Steve could rest his feet on it. Bucky sank lower in the water, almost to his ears, then slowly rose until his shoulders cleared the water even though he was supporting Steve's weight.
"How'd you just do that?"
"I don't know. I just know it works. I guess we can use one of those phones to look up neutral buoyancy in fish and get some ideas." He glanced over his shoulder at Steve. "You going to gawk or get to work?"
"How do you want it?"
"Like we used to do it, but shorter," Bucky smirked at him. "The price is right, but my barber is hard to get to in the winter."
Bucky stayed quiet while Steve worked on the back and sides, adjusting his tail to hold his friend. But when Steve was in front of him, there was a mischievous look in his eyes that was all too familiar. "What?"
Bucky didn't say anything. Instead, he closed his eyes while Steve combed out the long hair covering his forehead.
"You're not fooling me, Buck. What are you planning?"
"I'll tell you when you're finished. You're distracted enough," he said, running his hands along Steve's torso.
"I'm almost done. I wish I had a mirror so you could see."
"Haven't seen myself since I shipped out," Bucky said softly, his eyes still closed.
"You haven't… I'm an idiot," Steve muttered.
"Tell me something we didn't know."
Steve cuffed him lightly. "Behave. I'm getting you a hand mirror tomorrow. You've been judging your looks based on the changes you feel, and that skews your perception. You probably felt the new sharp edges of your teeth and visualized fangs bigger than a T. rex had."
"Doesn't change the facts."
"The fact is, you have no idea how good looking you are because you haven't seen yourself in a mirror. I'm gonna fix that. You're too thin right now, but you haven't changed as much as you think."
"Not that you're biased."
"Of course I'm biased. But I'm also an artist and I can tell you that I'm just itching to draw you. I want to take some pictures tomorrow. People will assume they're fake if they see them, so don't worry about that. But even so, I'll encrypt them on a portable drive and delete them from my phone before I leave. I'm not looking to put you in danger, but I want to draw and paint you when I get home," Steve got out in a rush, trying to convince Bucky to agree.
Bucky ruffled his hair and nodded. "If it means that much to you."
"All done. You want me to leave the scissors here?"
"Leave me the comb. The scissors will just rust. Now get your mask and snorkel. I want to make sure you can breathe while you're low in the water.
Steve looked at him, his brow furrowed for a moment as he tried to think despite so much talking from Bucky. When his clouded brain figured out what Bucky was planning, all he could say was, "Oh," before hastily putting the scissors back in his bag and digging for his snorkel and mask.
"Keep your shirt on so you stay warm. I won't let you go too far under. This okay?"
Steve just put the mask on, placed the snorkel in his mouth, and nodded as Bucky pulled him close and tugged at the waistband of his pants. After a quick kiss on the chin, Bucky's head disappeared under the dark surface. Steve leaned his head back on the rocks behind him and tried to breathe. When he felt Bucky hesitate, concerned he'd gone too far, Steve gave him a thumbs up-trusting Bucky could see his hand in the dark water-before he put his hands in Bucky's hair. He felt Bucky's body rumble with amusement for a moment, and then all rational thought became impossible.
Much later, Bucky boosted him to the ledge and then hauled himself out beside him. Steve stripped off the two-piece rash guard he'd been wearing and pulled on a pair of woven wool pajamas. He turned out the LED light and lay down beside Bucky, covering them both up with the wool blanket. When he saw Bucky's raised eyebrow, he explained, "I figure I'll get a fungal infection if I wear that all the time and never get dry. The wool will keep me warm and let my skin breathe. But I should probably bake on a deserted beach a bit tomorrow just to be safe. Besides, it will give you a bit of a reprieve from me.
"You're not getting away that easily. You can work on your sunburn all you want. We're gonna take that blanket with us. I'll cover up with it and stay wet while we both bake.
"I will need help putting sunscreen on my back. I bet it will work on you, too."
"One way to find out." Bucky pressed a kiss to the crown of Steve's head as he held him pillowed on his chest. "Thanks for the best Christmas ever."
"Even better than the time we were both sick with that horrible stomach virus and we both managed trips to the store to get comfort food for a gift exchange?"
"Yes, even better than that." Bucky clasped Steve's hand and dredged up the memory to share. He remembered feeling smug for successfully at sneaking out of the apartment on Christmas Eve day. He'd staggered on weak legs to the nearest convenience store for crackers and ginger ale without Steve knowing. The next morning, he'd discovered Steve had done the same thing, only Steve had brought back a fresh loaf of bread for toast, a box of tea bags, and a bunch of bananas. They'd both stumbled to the living room on Christmas morning and exchanged their meager gifts, feeling more loved and cared for than they ever had before.
It was then that Bucky had known with certainty that Steve was his forever love, not just a buddy. Not realizing Steve returned his non-platonic interest, he'd kept that knowledge to himself, resolving to be content with friendship. He'd shipped out for his first tour with the Navy two months later.
When Bucky let the memory fade, Steve lifted his head from Bucky's chest so he could look him in the eye. "We wasted a lot of time, Buck. Part of me wishes I'd known how you felt back then. I wish I'd had the courage to speak up sooner myself. But what happened got us here, so I'm not going to complain. If you hadn't gone overboard, we might have kept on pretending forever. All things considered, I think I'd rather have you for real, even if it has to be in small doses, than live the lie every day that you were only a friend to me."
Bucky hesitated, then nodded. "I love you, Steve. No matter what happens, don't ever forget that."
"And I love you, as you are now and as you were before. I'm going to keep telling you that until you start to believe it. And then I'll keep telling you that just to annoy you. We'll figure this out. I promise."
[1] This is true. Go to their website and check it out. Library cards are free to residents of Pennsylvania who have a library card for their local library. If you are in another state, you can still access the collection for a modest annual fee. I love that library!