The clubhouse looked the same as ever, same ditch, same stream that ran through the middle, it was the same, the same little clearing in the wood. I was choking on all the tears, all the tears and memories, all the happiness, all the innocence, all of my friends… Only Nick, Alexis, and me left to share these memories though, to drown in the pain… I can't think like this, no I really can't. We promised to cry, or to think of what we had lost, but of what we had had… And I will keep that promise. I must, for Alexis' sake.
"Alexis, you don't have to hold back, we're here again. We're home. And you don't ever have to hold your tears here. Remember?" I told her, and pulled her again into a tight embrace and cradled her as she let it all out.
"I-I-I can't believe they're g-gone, they're not coming back are they?" She was crying softly.
"No, no I don't think they are Alexis." Not crying was becoming almost painful as I said what I had been dreading to say.
"WHY? WHY? WHY ARE THEY GONE? WHY AREN'T THEY HERE WITH US? GOD! WHY THE FUCK DID THEY DIE? WHY THE FUCK DID WE LET THEM? AND NOW THEY'RE ALL FUCKING GONE! NO!" She screamed, her voice was filled with pain as she let out feelings that she could only trust me with.
I just held her tighter, hoping that maybe one day she wouldn't hurt, one day she wouldn't cry when she's alone because she couldn't hold out the memories that haunted her. I knew there was no hope for me, so I hoped for her. My best friend, my sister, one of few people who I would give everything to without holding back. The only other is Nick, but there used to be more. There used to be five of us, five best friends. All of us thought that it was forever, and it would have been too. We had even sealed it in blood, a contract of a sort, on a large oak, the only in the forest, and it was right in the middle of the clearing/clubhouse.
Alexis was no doubt remembering the day it happened, for she was now curled up in my arms holding her head as if in physical pain. I looked at her with pained eyes and bent down closer to her. I needed to get her home, and, as if on cue, a rustling from just behind me sounded and out came Nick. He took one glance at Alexis and understood, picking her up bridal style and we started walking.
"Alexis, c'mon, it'll be alright. They're in the next world, they're in the happy one, without any pain, you don't have to worry. And until you leave this one to join them you'll always have us two." He murmured, and her sobs became slightly less and she leaned against his chest.
"I know Nick, but they were part of us, they were our best friends. They were killed in front of us, how can you pretend that it doesn't hurt? How can you even try to convince yourself that everything will be OK? We were all in the same boat together, no parents, no family, no friends! Not until each other, you guys were my life, you still are! Losing Em and Jake was too much for me! I never even got to tell Em happy birthday, or tell Jake that him that that ass of a girl Brit wasn't worth his time… He died dating a girl who didn't give a shit about him, and Em died before she ever even knew what it was to feel love in any way other than what you would feel for your brothers or sisters. Don't you remember all the things that we left unsaid, all the things that we had held inside and never even knew were there until they were gone, and all the things that they would never know, it was all too late! I'm sorry that I miss them! I'm sorry that I loved them! I'm sorry that what should have come out I-I'm sorry, please don't leave me!" She whimpered, her sobs were almost nonexistent now, she knew what she felt, but she couldn't feel it.
She was numb to her pain, numb to her happiness, numb to the world, and she couldn't help it, no matter how much she wanted to, it was just there. Nick was in tears now, not crying just tears, he was breaking down, I knew it, while Alexis grew numb he grew weak, and letting the tears fall and his hurt take over he fell to the ground where he held Alexis tightly and started to cry. It was soft, and it displayed his hurt better than any avalanche of tears would. They were hurt, and I couldn't do anything, anything but hold them tightly and keep my face emotionless, because the only emotion I could feel right now would let my walls crash down, but I couldn't. No I couldn't.
I felt what Alexis and Nick felt tenfold, but I couldn't show any of it because I was the backbone of the friendship that kept us alive, I was the only thing that stopped them from dying inside completely, I smiled when they hurt and made the days bearable, I numbed their pain, and I was the one who stood steady when their walls were crashing down on them. It hurt to keep it to myself, but these two needed me right now, more than ever. They always had needed someone, they were open, and strong, and brave, and used to be the strongest people I knew, but they hurt like everyone else and they'd both come to me for as long as I could remember, everyone always did.
I felt the memories flood back and I felt an almost physical pressure on my head as they exploded in my head, I remembered Em, the only person that had ever understood me.
"Lynx, you don't ever have to hide yourself from me. You know I can see right through you." Em told me as I faked a smile.
"Em, I'm fine, really. You don't have to worry about me, but anyways, what is it you need me for? I know it's not school, you know I have the worst grades ever!" She laughed as I said that.
"Oh, trust me, it has nothing to do with that! Actually I was wondering what's wrong, I'm not stupid Lynx, I can see how you look at Conner and I know that he's hurt you. What happened?" She looked right into my eyes and I felt see-through, like my skin didn't exist and there was a little note right inside my heart that said, 'I'm hurt and I need someone right now.'
"Em, I was talking to Virginia and she said to me 'Guess what?' I was like, 'What?' Then she said, 'Conner asked me out today! He's sooooooo sweet! OMG I can't believe it! Hehe!' Then she giggled that annoying little preppy giggle of hers. I kept on talking to her but I ran home the second she left! But he's going out with her! Her! I can't believe it! Maybe I should tell him how I feel? No I couldn't do that, what if he doesn't like me back and he tells everyone! Em I really like him and I don't know what to do now!" I couldn't help it I just started crying, letting the tears flow and I felt Em's arms wrap around me and she murmured words of comfort into my ear.
"Lynx, don't worry about it, he's just a crush, just a boy. He's not worth crying about, cuz the one who is won't make you cry, remember that? Remember that he would never let you hurt, and he wouldn't be going out with Gin would he?" I shook my head, she looked at me contentedly and my tears stopped as suddenly as they had come. She was right, he wasn't worth it, no way! Conner my boy you are definitely not the guy for me! You've made me cry one too many times, and I'd rather give my heart to a boy who actually cares about me!
I gave Em the tightest hug ever and shouted into her ear "THANKS EM! YOU'RE THE BEST!"
"Ouch! No need to deafen me! I CAN HEAR YOU OK?" She screamed back and we laughed together.
"Lynx, let's go home." Alexis told me, I smiled lightly and helped her up, then surveyed her and Nick. Red, puffy eyes, white streaks down her face where her foundation used to be, and on Nick, just puffy eyes, and heavy breathing. They weren't a pretty sight.
"Are you OK? We could camp out here for the night? The sleeping bags and tent are still hidden in the oak stump?" I offered, we weren't that far from the clubhouse, and though this all started while trying to get away, sometimes just being next to your memories can stop the hurt, or at least quell it to a bearable level, and let you think about the good things, rather than all the bad… It always turned out that way anyways for Alexis and Nick.
They nodded in consent and we started to walk back, taking our sweet time as we passed over the dewy ground. I tried to start a conversation, but they were both too gone to really be able to talk. By the time we made it there it was well past second period, the sun was actually coming close to touching the horizon, spreading the most beautiful pinks and blues through the skies. Me and Alexis gazed in awe at the sight while Nick spread out the sleeping bags.
He looked at us and chuckled quietly to himself, "What?" I asked him.
"Nothing, it's just you two actually seemed all peaceful and innocent for a second!"
"What you're saying we're not innocent?" I aimed a scowl at him at the same time as Alexis butted in.
"Sorry to break it up, but you two better shut your gabs so that I can watch the sunset in moderate peace!" She told us sternly.
"Hey, Alexis, I thought we were just taking off like one or two periods? Not the whole day? I mean I'm fine with bunking and all, I gots nothing to lose, but what about you and your boyfriend?" I asked her, curious that she would put breaking down in front of her friends in front of having an awesome lunch date with her boyfriend.
"Well, he can wait, anyways us three don't get out enough!" She exclaimed happily.
"Yeah you're right, it's already taking a toll on Lynx here." Nick said, gesturing to me, for my ass was planted on the ground and I was making werewolf noises.
"I see what you mean." Alexis said, laughing soon joined by Nick.
"Stop laughing at me! I'm VERY sane, and I DO get out enough! Hmpf! All I'm doing is trying to attract werewolves so that they can bite me and I can join them! Mwahahahaha! Then I'll bite you two in the dead of the night, all very stealthy like, then you'll join me on our quest for human blood!" I laughed maniacally again as Alexis and Nick gawked at me.
"Oh my god! Someone help us! Lynx has lost it and she's trying to kill us! Nooooooo!" Nick screamed into the air, and soon him and Alexis joined me on the floor laughing their asses off.
After a while I guess we sorta calmed down and made dinner (yea we used to keep food at the clubhouse, and even though it's been a good five months it was still good cuz we only kept canned things, and stuff that would last for a long time there). Everything that happened from the laughing to dinner was a blur, but it was all pretty normal stuff, reminiscing, joking around, just talking, and sometimes that uncomfortable silence that only a fart or belch can break in a satisfying way. But being content like that is never a good omen, for all good things can only come with an even or larger amount of bad things, and in our case this was the calm before the storm, the calm before our whole lives turned upside down, inside out and were all together messed up. Are you ready to hear what happens? Well, either way, I don't care, getting all this down is really helping me cope right now, so let's get to the beginning of the storm.