I'm at Magoo's waiting for my latte to cool down when Carter sits in front of me, sighing and stretching his neck.
"You could've changed…", I remark pointing at his bloody scrubs top.
He shrugs and orders coffee and pie. I notice he's getting lines around his eyes which is odd. In my mind, Carter's always 24.
"I didn't do it", he says after a while.
I frown at him "What?".
"I didn't propose to her. I had the ring in my pocket the whole evening and I didn't give it to her".
Oh, please, not this.
"Yeah, I noticed", I reply quickly before taking a sip at my drink.
"I'm not sure we want the same… She seems distant, lately…", he mumbles, looking at the window.
I think I deserve feeling guilty like this.
"What do you mean?", I try not to sound too suspicious.
"I don't know… I…I never know what's on her mind. I don't know how to get to her".
I'm sweating, I can feel it. "Well, I think you two should talk. Why don't you tell her all this?".
He gives me an uncertain nod and I feel like a lousy friend. But I can't come between them anymore than I already have.
"Susan, I need you to cover my shift", Kerry announces coming from the lounge.
I blink at her "Excuse me? I did the graveyard shift last night! Find someone else!".
"Luka took some time off , there's no one else available", she shrugs, taking off her glasses.
"Who else is on?", I ask.
"Pratt, Chen and a handful of med students", she chirps while buttoning her coat.
I sigh "Ok, but then I won't be back until the end of the week".
"Don't push your luck. I'll see you in two days", she smirks and leaves.
"I bet she's getting laid, she was almost nice today", Jerry comments.
"Is she still with that hot firefighter chick?", Malik looks at Chuny.
She nods "Yeah, I saw them looking very in love the other day…", she says, batting her eyelashes.
"Guys, don't you have patients to check on? Let's clear the board, please…", I know I love some hot gossip, but it's making me nervous. Must be the subject.
They disperse and Gallant presents me his patient, I tell him to page Surgery. Malik hands me a chart, I sign it and when I look up there's s bunch of med students around me with more charts for me to sign.
Behind them, I see her petite silhouette entering. She takes off her beanie hat, tries to catch that luscious hair into a ponytail. Pursing those lips like there's no tomorrow.
That really tall med student is talking to me but I'm busy watching her. It takes me a few seconds to realize everyone's waiting for me to say something. When I finish explaining them the various possible treatments for toxoplasmosis, I look again but Abby disappeared.
Later on, I have to call her to help me with a trauma. Gang fight.
"That was a nice save", she says as we both discard our gloves and gowns.
After almost two hours, we stabilized a guy that came in DOA.
"You did a great job, anticipated all my moves". I smile at her as she tries, unsuccessfully, to untie the knot on her back.
"Come here… Let me…". The plastic ties break and I try to rip it off.
"We're a good team", she says quietly.
I know she's not talking about work.
"There… you're free", I say.
She turns around and gets rid of her gown, looks at me with these deep brown eyes and I know that we can't and we shouldn't.
But we want. I want.
My fingertips trace her cheeks, her neck, disappear into her hair… She rests her hand on the small of my back and our lips meet. It doesn't last more than a few seconds, the trauma room isn't the most appropriate place to engage in such activities.
"We can't do this", I say, my voice breaking. My skin tingles.
Abby lowers her eyes, turns her back to me. Then starts cleaning up all the mess, moves swiftly, stays silent. I pretend to be writing down chart notes but all I'm doing is watching her. This is so unfair.
Pratt storms in shoving another chart under my nose "Need you name in here".
"What's this?", I ask, mapping the chart with my eyes.
"Consent for the banger in 2. Ruptured spleen".
I sign it and hand it back to him, he leaves us alone again but not for long, Yosh comes in, needs the keys to the narcotics cabinet so Abby goes with him to the drug lock-up.
It's almost morning when everything's under control and I tell Randi I'm going get a coffee at Magoo's. I regret not bringing my coat as soon as I step out of the hospital doors "Son of a bitch…", I mutter.
"Don't you love it when it hits you in the face?".
I almost jump in surprise, narrow my eyes until I see her sitting in the dark at the other far end of the ambulance bay.
"What are you doing here? Trying to catch pneumonia?", I shiver, burrowing my hands into my lab coat pockets.
"Just having one of these", she says, wobbling her cigarette.
"I thought you quit", I smirk.
Abby rolls her eyes, "Oh well, I unquit. The damn patches gave me a rash", she whines, rubbing her shoulder.
"You overused them…".
She shoots me a pseudo-glare. Then stands up, nods at me "Come on, you're buying me coffee".
Magoo's almost empty, just a few med students getting their caffeine fix. The heat from the cup warms my hands, Abby's staring at the window.
"So… Carter and I had a little talk…", I begin.
She looks at me, expectant.
I nod "He says you seem distant".
She shakes her head "He's not really supposed to go to you…".
"I guess he doesn't know that…". I take a sip at my coffee.
She stares at me "I don't know what to do".
I look at my hands. I'm exhausted. I don't want to discuss this right now.
"Carter and me… I mean, I care about him… I do love him. But… I don't think I'm in love with him. I think he thinks he's responsible for me, I don't know…", she trails away.
"Well, I think you should tell him that. He wants to marry you", I blurt out.
She looks at me in silence for a long time. "He told you that?".
I nod.
"Well, he never told me that", she looks at the window, again.
The sun's rising.
"What do you want me to do, Susan?", she asks quietly.
"I can't answer that question". It's true.
"I need to know what's going to happen with us if I break up with him".
"Look Abby… I don't want to be the one that breaks you up!", I reply, exasperated. "If you break up with Carter it can't be because of me. I shouldn't be in that equation".
She crumples up her coffee cup "You are in the equation. Obviously".
"What I'm saying is that if you break up with him it has to be for your own reasons. If you think there's a chance for you two to work things out together…".
That's what reason tells me. My heart, otherwise…
"Will we be together if I break up with him?", she asks, again.
"I don't know. And I think that's not the point. Look, if you're afraid to be alone…".
She cuts me off "Excuse me?! Do you think this is what, my plan B?". She's pissed off.
"I think you're not sure about what you want…", I stammer.
"Oh, now you can read my mind, too?", she snarls.
I frown at her "Just do what you want, then! What do you want, Abby?".
"I want you!", she whispers out loud.
I look around to reassure myself that no one heard her.
"And you're gonna be my girlfriend?", I smirk.
"Maybe", she snaps back.
"I don't think that would work", I sigh.
Of course in my own little world, everything would be perfect. Just the two of us… but in real life, things are not that simple. I don't even know what kind of relationship we'd have.
"Why did you kiss me earlier, then?", she's not accusing me, just asking.
I feel my cheeks reddening "Because I'm a fool".
That brings a smile on her face "Oh, you're blushing…".
Then she goes serious again. "Susan?".
I raise my eyes and look at her. She's fidgeting, her fingers tapping the table top.
She looks so fearful "You're really important to me… I…".
I never get to hear what she has to say because my beeper starts dancing and blinking along the table. I think we're both frustrated, Abby just nods at me "Go, I've got this", she says, gesturing at the waitress to get her the bill.
A buzzing sound startles me. I sit up, turn on the lights. The doorbell rings again. I look at my alarm clock, it's one in the morning. I drape my robe around me, storm towards the door, pissed off. I'm gonna kill the creep.
It's Abby.
"What you doing here?", I answer the door bleary eyed.
She waves her hand in the air "Oh, I was in the neiborhood, decided to drop by for a visit!". Giggles.
"Abby, you're drunk", I say, pulling her inside, stating the obvious.
She stands in the middle of the hallway "Just had one drink…", runs a hand through her hair, leaves it messier than it already was.
"Sit down, I'm gonna make you coffee", I tell her. She trips down on her way to the couch, I hold her by the arm just to be sure she doesn't trip.
"I don't want coffee. Just let me enjoy my buzz", she says and I sit next to her.
I run my hand through her hair, she opens her eyes.
"I'm so much happier when I'm drunk", she chuckles.
"Yeah, well tomorrow all your problems will still be here. Plus you'll be hungover".
We both stay quiet for a moment, then she asks "Did I wake you?".
I nod "Yeah".
"I'm sorry", she says.
"It's okay. So, are you going to tell me what's going on?",
She shrugs her shoulders, stares at the wall in front of us "Do you know why I couldn't reach my brother?".
Eric's being missing, she's been on the edge for days "Did they find him? Is he okay?".
"Yeah. He just didn't want to talk to me".
She looks so sad. "I'm sure it's not that…".
She shakes her head "He was the only person I knew I could always count on! He hates me".
"He doesn't hate you, he has an illness. You know that. And so do you, I thought you were in the program".
She glares at me and tries to stand up "Oh fuck you, I can't even talk to you anymore! I'm feeling like shit and I come to you for comfort and you blow me off…".
I cut her off "Stop it, Abby! You're worried about Eric and I understand that, but I'm not gonna let you guilt trick me! You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, you're so much better than that".
I don't like being so harsh, but I can't let her fall into that spiral of self-pitying. She's so strong. Even if she doesn't see it.
Her shoulders tremble, she tries not to cry. I pull her to me and hold her close and she collapses in my arms.
I don't say anything, just let her cry. The last couple of days have been tough on her. Her tears run down my skin and the feeling of her breath on my neck is making me uncomfortable.
"Abby…", I call to regain her attention. She looks at me and I dry her tears with my thumbs "It's late… let's go to sleep, ok?".
She's lying in a fetal position, looks so small in my bed. I spoon behind her. I think I'm lulling her to sleep with the warmth of my body against her back, but I feel her shifting, turning, until we're face to face and even in the dark, I can tell she's looking at my lips.
Abby kisses me. So very softly.
The internal debate starts. I know I shouldn't. But this woman that just drives me crazy is in my bed and she's kissing me and pushing her body into mine. Her hands pull down my pants and my mind forgets about what's right and what's wrong.
I pull at her top until her smooth skin is all I can feel under my fingertips. I roll us both, float above her. I pull her bangs back with my hand, let it caress her cheek. She closes her eyes for a moment and in that very instant, I know I'm making her feeling better.
I kiss her properly, my tongue tasting her, my hands stroking her breasts. She moans low in her throat and I feel her hands slipping inside my pants, grabbing my butt. I pull back for a moment to peel down the rest of her clothes, she wriggles out of them so willingly and pulls me back to her again, her lips peppering my neck all over.
When I first touch her clit, she goes really taut and pulls me to her even closer, my lips at the crook of her neck, her thighs hugging my hips.
"Oh my… I missed this", she half whispers. I smile and leave little pecks all over her cheek and chin.
She's so wet. I mean, I am too but it's so amazing to know that I'm the one that makes her so excited. She arches up and I let my lips close around her nipple, my teeth scrapping just a little. She loves when I do it and I love it when I make her hot like this.
Abby shifts her hips and I know what she wants. My hand goes lower and I enter her with two fingers. Nice and slow. She tries to conceal it but lets out a really deep moan, I feel little tremors all over my skin.
"You're so sexy…", I say more to myself than anything and she just laughs. It's the first time I've seen her laughing in days and it enchants me.
I feel her toes curling against my calf, she's close. Her skin feels moist against mine and my fingers dig into that liquid warmth. We've done this enough times for me to know what to do next and when I stroke that little ripple, her voice echoes in my room, in the apartment. I'm pretty sure the neighbors can hear her. I don't care.
Sometimes I think we could really work together. When we're like this, just senses and flesh, everything is so clear.
Her breathing is slowing down, I lay behind her, my face against the back of her neck. My hand goes around her waist and I feel her fingers curling between mine.
She's sleeping soundly soon after but I can't seem to fall asleep. I rarely sleep well when I'm with her, I can't avoid the thoughts that raid my mind.
And I think the fact that I don't regret what we just did makes things even more complicated.