"Why did you leave?" you shout abruptly, causing a few surprised heads to perk up at the sound of your voice. You don't care, too busy trying to keep the hot and angry tears from spilling out, "why did you have to leave?!"
Your voice sounds crazed and manic, which is just fine, because you are starting to doubt your own sanity.
Alec doesn't seem to react, just sits there staring at you, expression blank, like an empty canvas. You feel like ripping it apart, the silence is killing you. You can't believe it, it's been more than ten years, you are pretty sure he has had enough time to at least reflect on his decision. Instead, he looks like it has never bugged him before, like it didn't occur to him before, like there weren't some nights when he would look up into the sky and think of you like you have thought of him.
That kills you inside.
"Didn't you love me?" You voice wavers, and you feel like crying. You already know the answer, but that doesn't stop you from fearing it.
Alec looks up, his eyes boring into you, "of course I did."
You are surprised, but that quickly turns to confusion, "then why did you leave me?!" That's the third time you have screamed it out, and you can see some older couples in the restaurant shaking their heads. Somewhere, distantly, you hear the sound of an old man, muttering, "Young, simple, foolish love. Teenagers talk too easily of love."
The old man has no idea, how truly old the both of you are, how what you felt for him was anything but simple. Foolish maybe, but never simple.
He ignores the mummers' all around, able to hear better than you, "does it still matter?"
His indifferent tone makes you want to slap him
"Of course it matters Alec! Of course it matters!"
"Why?"
You take a deep breath.
"Because I need to know why I lost the love of my life."
Alec looks startled for a while, the only reaction he's given since your outburst, "you never lost me, Renesmee, you can't truly lose what belongs to you."
You fear that if you open your mouth, you just might cry, so you keep quiet.
Alec stares at you, and he smiles. The smile is so gentle, so comforting. You remember, it was the smile you used to receive all the time. Whenever you saw him, you would receive that smile. It looks exactly the same, but it no longer makes you feel any better.
"I've always been yours Renesmee, but the only problem was that I could never allow you to be mine."
You feel so hopeless and defeated, because you realize, that at the end of the night, both of you will be walking away from each other, yet again.
"Then why come back? Why meet me once more? Why make it harder?"
Alec expression is slightly pained, but his smile is still present. He is still trying to reassure you, make you believe everything was okay even though he himself wasn't. It was just like before, always trying to protect you in his own twisted way.
"Guess I was selfish," Alec ponders this for awhile, "it would be wrong to say that I wanted to see how well you have been doing, I've already made sure you would be okay."
It depends on your definition of okay, you want to add, but of course, you don't. "What do you mean you made sure?" You ask instead.
Alec ignores your question, "I just needed to hear it from you, that you are happy."
"But I'm not, Alec," you whisper back immediately, "not without you."
His smile drops completely and he moves to reclaim your hand, you give it to him without hesitance.
"No, you are, you just don't realize it. You have what we've always dreamed about, what we've always planned for."
You remember now, the nights both of you would lie on the ground, staring up at the stars, planning your lives together. Getting married, having a house of your own, being together. Your tears start to well up yet again, that was all you ever wanted, all you ever asked for, was that so much to ask?
As if sensing your thoughts, Alec grips your hand tighter, "you have it with Jacob. You have a family, you have someone to be there for you, and you have that enchanting house by the cliff. Wasn't that all you ever planned for?"
You feel so frustrated you pull your hand away, "I planned that with you Alec! Damn it! It was always supposed to be you!"
"It was, for me and for you," he says, tone level, "but sometimes life doesn't turn out the way you want it to be."
You can't hold it in anymore, so you start to let loose the tears that have been building up all these years, pushing your chair away and hastening your steps to leave the restaurant, its glaring fluorescent lights painful to look at. You don't have to turn around to know he is following you.
Outside, you both sit in the car, you remember Jacob driving it home one day, said it was a present for your tenth anniversary together, you also remember the lodge in your throat when he kissed you and told you he loved you. You hug Alec tightly, and all the while, he just quietly strokes your hair, humming a soothing lullaby.
You already know of his intentions, you knows he wants for you to fall asleep so he can drive you back and leave you once again, so you cling on tighter and force your eyes open.
"Why does it have to be this way?" You ask, one last glimmer of hope shining through.
"Because of circumstances. It isn't complicated, actually pretty simple. You will go back to Jacob at the end of the day, and be with him for the rest of your life, like you were supposed to. You will kiss his cheek, like you are expected to, and not speak a word of our meeting to anyone, like you are smart enough to do. And I, I'll go back to the Volturra and continue serving them, like I was made to. We are just puppets in the show called life, puppets that ended up with the wrong lines.
That's the way it was supposed to be. And you and I could never have stopped it. Do you get it Renesmee? I love you, but I can't do anything about it."
You and Alec were meant to be, but not supposed to be.
At the end of the day, you understand.
You park the car and you enter the house. On the couch lies Jacob, waiting up for your arrival.
"So where did you go?"
"Nowhere, Jacob. Nowhere at all. I'm staying right here."
Jacob looks confused, but you just smile, brushing aside the images of the beautiful man you love but can never have, stowing it away for the nights when it get particularly lonely.
i was kind of sad.