Disclaimer: My friend and I don't own Weiss Kreuz or any of the music/lyrics used in this fic.
A/N: In a desperate attempt to avoid my philosophy homework, my friend and I took turns writing this. I'm breaking it down into separate chapters. This is not to be taken seriously in ANY WAY. This is basically a crack!fic and we realize that it is COMPLETELY ludicrous. Characters aren't necessarily in character, and this plot is, seriously, on something. Only thing is this came out of our brains without any help. That's why we think it's funny. Not to mention we are HORRIBLY biased to loving Schwarz, so… sorry. We mess with all the other characters. We hope you'll find it amusing, too! Enjoy!
Chapter Two: Why not the Women?
"For me?" Sakura asked, pleasantly surprised to be receiving a package. She signed the clipboard and took the package, carrying it over to the table. She looked at it, trying to figure out who was sending her stuff, but there was no name other than her own. Curious, she cut it open. There was an envelope addressed to her sitting on top of some folded padding paper. She picked it up and pulled out a sweet-looking card.
"Aww, how pretty," she said, opening it up.
'Miss Sakura,' it said. 'This is being sent to you as a replacement for what you lost. We hope you enjoy it.'
"Something I lost…?" Sakura said with a confused frown. "I don't think I've lost anything…" She pulled out the padding paper to find another, smaller box. She opened this, pulling back the flaps to reveal what looked like a plastic bag. She unfolded it, starting to feel a twinge of apprehension…
And screamed blue murder, stumbling back against the wall in horror.
"If you don't, we sure will," Schuldig said, laughing out the window as her terror twisted through his mind.
About fifteen minutes later, Weiβ arrived to Sakura's aid. The hunters of the night were troubled at this new development, staring at the deer kidney.
"Schwarz," Aya said through clenched teeth. What business did they have bothering this girl? What did they want from them!?
Schuldig turned on the radio. Singing along with the song, he proclaimed: "What you want, baby I got it. What you need, you know I got it. All I'm asking is for a little respect."
Farfarello sighed. "Your singing hurts God."
Schuldig pouted. ". . . just a little respect. I tried."
The next stop was to Magic Bus Hospital. There was only a matter of time before Aya/Ran would come to visit Aya/sister. On the young girl's bed was a box very similar to the ones both at the flower stop and Sakura's house.
When Aya/Ran opened the box, he was disgusted to find a deer's head in the box. The mouth was agape, eyes missing, and the top of the skull removed, revealing the brain.
The card amongst the tissue paper read,
'Until you wake up, you might want to borrow this. Don't worry about giving it back.'
Again, it wasn't signed.
Farfarello chuckled and Schuldig whistled a tune.
"What is that?" Farfarello asked.
"Ohhh, if I only had a braaaain…" Schuldig grinned. Farfarello smirked at him.
"Mom!" Ouka called as she entered the restaurant.
"Hello, Ouka," her mother said with a smile. "Have a seat, dinner's almost ready."
"Oh? What are we having?"
"It's a surprise. I just got it today."
"Mm, smells delicious," Ouka said with a smile.
"Oh, by the way," Ouka's mother said as she finished up the dinner. "This came for you today." She handed Ouka a letter. Ouka opened it curiously, unfolding the flowery card.
'Your wonderful meal tonight comes courtesy of our gift to your mother. It's tongue, very fresh. Please enjoy it even more than you enjoy your boyfriend's, you shameless, incestual harlot. 3'
"Here you are," Ouka's mother said brightly, setting the plate down. Ouka stared, torn between anger and a strong sense of disgust…
Schuldig nearly cackled. "Kiss, kiss me, say you miss, miss me, kiss me love, with heavenly affection…"
Farfarello made a face. "Incest hurts God…" He declared.
None of the girls could seem to figure out where the box had come from. One minute it wasn't there, the next they found it sitting on the table. And Hell was, to put it mildly, irritated. This was supposed to be a secure facility, but somehow a mystery box got into the room without anyone knowing about it. Or at least no one was fessing up. Shoen flippantly denied knowing anything about it (complete with a haughty hair-flip), Neu said nothing and Tot…well, Tot was about as much use as usual.
Which still left them all wondering what the box could possibly be doing there. Finally, Hell decided they might as well just open the damn thing and get it over with. She neatly sliced off the tape and folded back the flaps to reveal a flowery card.
"What on earth…" She picked it up and opened it, her eyes narrowing.
"What does it say?" Shoen asked.
" 'This gift is for you lovely ladies and your ever so charming monster-man. Think of them as replacement parts in case something goes wrong.'"
"What the hell?" Shoen demanded, putting her hands on her hips. "Just what is that supposed to mean? Who sent it?"
"It's not signed," Hell said, putting the card aside. She messed with the packaging for a moment and stood back with a startled cry. The other three women stepped forward, reacting similarly. In the box lay the hind legs of what looked like a deer.
"Oh my God!" Shoen said, looking ill. Hell's eye was twitching and Tot was hugging her stuffed rabbit so hard it looked like it was about to burst.
"What the hell?!" Shoen continued, putting a hand over her mouth.
"What's the matter?" a voice asked, echoing through the room. "Don't you like our present?" The four girls looked around quickly, finally noticing two people standing on the balcony above them.
"You!" Hell hissed. Schuldig wiggled his fingers in a wave, leaning casually against the railing.
"Get out of here!" Shoen shrieked angrily. "You are not welcome!"
"Aww…" Schuldig said with a mocking pout. "They don't like our present, Farfarello…" Farfarello grinned and twirled his knife.
"And after we put all that effort into it, too…" Schuldig sighed. "Ah well. That's gratitude for you."
"Very impolite," Farfarello agreed.
"How dare you infiltrate our lab to perpetrate your sick jokes?!" Hell shouted furiously. Schuldig's grin widened.
"Get out!" Hell ordered. Schuldig laughed.
"Oh, I don't know about that. I'm pretty happy right here. How about you?" he asked Farfarello. He nodded, smiling disturbingly and tapping his knife against his mouth.
"I thought so." Hell clenched her teeth furiously.
"Get them!" she ordered, pointing at the intruders. Schuldig laughed again, not moving from his spot by the railing as the members of Schreient came charging towards them. Shoen swung her whip at them, but it wrapped itself harmlessly around Farfarello's now extended knife, making it quite easy to pull her forward and off balance. Schuldig dodged a kick from Neu, easily blocking her punch. Everyone in the room suddenly heard a voice very distinctly singing…
"I get no kick from champagne…" While Shoen was off balance, Tot jabbed at Farfarello with her oh-so-scary pink umbrella, but he side-stepped it, slamming a hand into her back and sending her staggering forward into the wall. Schuldig was still keeping Neu at bay, still smiling.
"Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all…" Farfarello slashed Shoen across the face, making her shriek with a combination of anger and pain. Another slash across her front sent her stumbling backwards and, with her hands over her face, it was quite simple to hit her and knock her off the railing and onto the floor below.
Schuldig caught Neu's hand as it came towards his face and twisted, spinning and throwing her into the wall alongside the now unconscious Tot. Still smiling, he turned and hopped off the balcony, landing lightly and advancing towards Neu with Farfarello dropping down behind him.
"So why should it be true…" the song continued, Schuldig singing aloud this time. Hell threw a knife, but he dodged it and it whooshed harmless by. Running a couple of steps for momentum, Schuldig leapt forward.
"That I get a kick out of you!" To emphasize the word "kick" he slammed his foot into Hell's chest, sending her crashing backwards out the window.
"Ta-da!" he said, spreading his arms and grinning. Farfarello obligingly gave him a brief clap.
"You see, ladies," Schuldig said matter-of-factly, "this is what happens when you're rude and ungrateful. See you around." He sauntered casually out of the building with Farfarello, leaving the members of Schreient in various states of consciousness.
TO BE CONTINUED!