Gojyo cracked an eye open. Warm sunlight was hitting his back. He'd woken up for some reason. . . what the hell was it? Hakkai, that's right. Hakkai had gotten him up at the ass-crack of dawn for something. Something important. . . he'd been too damn tired to really pay attention. Gods, why couldn't Hakkai just sleep in like a normal person? Him and that blonde dick of a monk were the only people he knew who could be up and ready for anything before the sun was in the sky. The only thing HE'D wake up for was a hot chick in his bed. Wait, women. . . that reminded him of the Very Important Thing. What the hell was it. . . ?
"Oh, FUCK!"
The baby!
Gojyo sat up, suddenly wide awake. Hakkai would do worse than kill him if that brat died! He'd throw out his porno mags. . . his toys. . . hell, he might even castrate him! Rolling off the bed with a sharp thud, he scrambled over to the basket with a soft pinky bow tied to it.
"Hey, baby, are you dead? Shit. . . don't be dead, please!"
The little baby wrinkled her eyes, fists scrunching up tightly before settling back asleep. Gojyo let out a sigh of relief, running a shaking hand through his tangled hair. Son of a BITCH! There was a perfectly good reason he didn't own anything alive! No pets, no house plants. . . the only thing living in his house was bacteria. Unless Hakkai went crazy with the bleach again. Until Hakkai had come along, he didn't even really have grass.
Leaning back enough to fish his cigarettes and lighter off the night stand, Gojyo popped one between his lips and lit up.
"I don't give a shit if Hakkai finds out I smoked around you. After that scare, I NEED this if you expect to stay here for any amount of time!"
The only response was some kind of spitty-gurgling sound before saliva bubbles came from parted little lips. Ew. . . she was almost as bad as the monkey! Shaking his head, Gojyo once again wondered why the hell anyone would want a kid. Puppies were cute, why not get one of them? After they turned about four or so, they were well behaved. Kids were never well behaved. Any parent who said so was a fucking liar and should get bent. Sighing, Gojyo blew the smoke away from the baby and stood up, stretching. Hakkai better not be all day about grocery shopping. he sure as hell wasn't sitting here the whole day playing babysitter to someone else's whelp!
"I'm making ramen. Don't wake up."
Gojyo left the room, heading into the kitchen. He knew there was plenty of ramen left. Hakkai never touched the stuff, not unless he had to. Maybe it was something about them living off of it for a few months. Naw, couldn't be that! He'd been having this shit since he was four. Pouring water into a small pan, he struck a match and lit the gas range up, shaking the match out before setting the pot to boil. That should take a few minutes. Enough time to suck down the rest of his smoke.
As he waited for the water to heat up, he found the last of the instant coffee and mixed it with cold water from the tap. Gross? Hell yes. But effective? An even bigger hell YES! He chugged it back quickly, grimacing at the bitterness of coffee without something in it. He knew for a fact he didn't have any sugar. Hakkai had used it all a couple days ago to make cookies with Goku. Bastard!
Placing his cup in the sink, he was thinking about getting another cigarette when he heard a sound. It was to most horrible sound in the world. Worse than the sound of a monkey wailing for food. Worse even than the sound of a bullet lodging itself somewhere near his head. This was the sound of. . .
"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"For the luvva the gods," he muttered, trudging back into the bedroom.
"Goddamn it, Hakkai, hurry and get your ass back here!"
The baby was wailing her little head off, face almost as red as her hair. Tiny arms were flailing everywhere, big fat tears were running down her cheeks. . . and big fat drool drops were pooling on her chin. Lovely. . . she was gonna be a reeeeeal keeper when she grew up! Gojyo stared at the wailing mass and had no fucking clue what to do.
"Oi, shut it!"
Nothing.
He poked her in the stomach.
The wailing only got louder.
Shit. . . was he actually gonna have to pick the thing up? Grimacing, Gojyo reached down with both hands, placing them on either side of the little stomach. He lifted her up, keeping her at arms length. He didn't think it was possible, but her tiny lungs sent out a new louder blast of sound that actually made his ears ring. Okay, she didn't like being held like that. Maybe just a little closer. . .
"Oh. . . WHOA! What the fuck died in your diaper?"
It was when he brought her closer that the stench finally assailed his nose. That was nastier than when the monkey had spicy food! Even Hakkai had forced him to sleep in the hall way that night. The diaper was hanging funny on her teeny hips, all saggy in the ass area. he'd heard horror stories from friends of his that had gotten married. Diaper Duty. . . not one of them had a nice story to tell of that.
"I should just leave you for Hakkai to clean up!"
He should. . . but he knew the screams wouldn't stop. And that was about the only thing he really wanted right then. Glancing around for a place to put her, his eyes fell on the perfect spot. An evil smile crept onto his lips as he took in the perfectly made bed, pillows fluffed up and not a crease in the blanket. Moving quickly, he plopped the baby down on Hakkai's bed, unfastening the snaps lining the bottom of her sack-outfit-thingy to reveal kicking legs with the most tiny toes he'd ever seen. They were almost cute. . .
Unfortunately though, that thought lasted about two seconds. Unsnapping the outfit had only made the smell worse. Gojyo turned away, gagging at the overwhelming scent of feces and urine. GODS! That was just so wrong, so very wrong! Hakkai was buying him booze for the next damn month for this! Reaching down hesitantly, he undid the over sized clothing pins on either side of the cloth diaper. He carefully unfolded one side, and then the other before peeling the front down.
"GODS ALMIGHTY! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EAT? AND HOW DID YOU MAKE IT INTO THIS MESS?"
Gojyo backed away, waving a hand in front of his face. Hakkai complained about his cigarettes smelling bad. Yeah, and a kid was such a bed of goddamn roses! She'd eaten something kind of brownish-greenish, and when he found out what it was, he was gonna make damn sure she didn't get it again.
He didn't give a shit (no pun intended) if the diaper was reuseable. He gathered it together, pinching the edges into a tight knot to keep the stuff in, and made a mad dash for the door. The baby continued to scream and cry inside as he dumped it into the garbage can before sprinting back into the house.
"Okay, okay, I'm here. Most of the time girls don't scream until I'm in bed with them!
"Great, the diaper was off and in the trash. What next? Wipe her ass.
"Aw, fuuuuuck! Hakkai's gonna go nuts when he sees what you've done to his bed!"
By removing the diaper, her ass (still smeared in crap) had landed square on Hakkai's sheets. He'd just washed them yesterday.
Throwing his arms up in frustration, Gojyo went into the bathroom, grabbing the roll of toilet paper from the wall. Unrolling more than he could hope to ever use in a week, he began wiping the nearly-liquid shit off the baby, face twisting into a look of utter disgust. As the toilet paper got used, he threw it into the trash can by Hakkai's bed. He'd dump it later. Right now, he had to clean her off.
Once that was done, Gojyo let out a long breath.
"Damn, are you high maintainance! And why the hell are you still crying?"
This was ridiculous! He never signed on for anything like this. At best, he hated kids. So why the hell did he get stuck watching one? Staring at her, half naked and screaming as loud and long as she could draw breath, he realized he was forgetting something. Like a diaper. Great, what the fuck was he supposed to use for a diaper?
Another horrible idea came to him and he quickly pulled the top drawer to Hakkai's dresser open, rummaging around the neatly folded t-shirts, boxers, matched socks until. . .
"Haha! Here ya go."
He unfolded the green bandana that was a little faded and stained from travel. Tucking the sides in and folding the top into place, Gojyo quickly pinned the material onto the baby, pleased with himself for his first diaper. not too bad, either, he had to admit. He finished dressing her and picked her up off the soiled bed, leaning her head against his shoulder. As soon as he did that, she stopped crying. A tiny little thumb found it's way into her mouth and. . . she closed her eyes.
"I'll be damned," he muttered, carrying her out of the room. He went into the kitchen and turned the rolling water off. No way he was gonna be able to eat anyway after that odor. Taking a seat on the couch (the futon had been replaced recently with it), Gojyo patted the baby's back gently, flicking his hair out of the way. Now that she was quiet, she was actually REALLY cute, he decided.
"Bleuuup."
"What the. . . you've gotta be shittin' me!"Gojyo glared death at that Product Of Hell before setting her down on the sofa, still fast asleep. Little bitch threw up all over his bare shoulder! He stomped into the kitchen and grabbed a dish cloth, not really caring if Hakkai threw a fit about him using it for anything but dishes. He finally took a seat at the small kitchen table, lighting a cigarette. The minute Hakkai got home, he was out!
"Hi, I'm back! How is- oh!" Hakkai, eyes wide in surprise, quickly grabbed the baby thrust at him, balancing it between an overwhelming amount of groceries and baby paraphernalia.
Gojyo walked on by, swinging his jacket on.
"Have fun with the little shit demon." he called back. "And change your sheets!"
"Change my. . . Gojyo, what happened to my sheets?"
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