Chapter 2
Eddy looks a bit disappointed by that explanation. "Fawlty Towers? Huh, what a pity. Because 'Low Fat Twyster' sounds like some East Asian wellness centre. Or like a local food specialty. You know, some sort of health food. I definitely would have ordered a dozen low fat twysters straight away."
"Yes, that would have been exactly your type of thing. Sounds good, too: twelve low fat twysters for Eddy Monsoon," Patsy agrees and they both chuckle conspiratorially, knowing about Eddy's obsession with anything trendy and/or detoxifying.
"Fawlty Towers?" June Monsoon asks confused. "What's faulty about them?"
"It's got nothing to do with the state of the building," the cab driver reassures her. "The owners are called Fawlty."
"Maybe they should really change the name to Low Fat Twyster," Patsy muses.
"It has been pointed out to them on several occasions that it might not be the most convenient name," the cab driver explains, "but Mr Fawlty always dismisses the idea of changing the name."
"That's understandable if he's trying to continue an old family business," Mrs Monsoon says sympathetically.
"I think his exact words were, 'I will not have a bunch of bloody peasants tell me how to run a first-class hotel,'" the cab driver informs her – not quite as sympathetically.
Eddy and Patsy do not catch that last, illuminating remark because they've already got out of the cab and are on their way to the hotel entrance, leaving their luggage and Eddy's mother for both their driver and the cab driver to take care of. Only their voices can be heard as they walk away: "Do you smell that salty breeze, Pats? That's nature." – "Yeah, it's disgusting. Let's walk faster and find an air-conditioned room as soon as possible."
As Eddy and Patsy enter the lobby, Basil Fawlty (in his usual brown plaid suit) is standing between the front desk and the way to the hotel bar and is busy giving Manuel (in his usual black and white combination) an earful for distributing sherry in whisky tumblers.
"No, no, no, smaller glasses. Smaller! As in pequeño!" And he gestures wildly in front of the Spaniard's face who tries his best to keep the tray in his hands away from Mr Fawlty's flailing arms.
"Sí, I understand. Son demasiado pequeños. I will change."
At that moment Basil notices Eddy and Patsy who are looking around with amazed expressions on their faces. Manuel seizes the chance to disappear back into the hotel bar where he had probably been busy waiting tables until Basil decided to give another one of his infamous lectures on how to run a hotel.
"Ah, good evening, ladies," Basil says in honeyed tones. "Welcome to Fawlty Towers! How can I help you?"
Eddy and Patsy are standing right in front of him and Eddy actually has to tilt her head back to look him in the eye because he is so much taller than she is.
"'evening. We're looking for a room for the night and we were told you still had some vacancies."
Basil's moustache twitches at Eddy's way of speaking and even more so at her unconventional apparel which reminds him of a hippie's. And Basil deeply despises hippies because, as everyone knows, they undermine the moral standards and British society. Patsy's appearance, however, seems to pass his test. "Yeees, you must be the ladies about whom Torquay Taxi called."
"That's right," Patsy and Eddy confirm his fear.
"Goood. We've been expecting your visit and have prepared your rooms for the night, although in this part of the world we really consider night to have fallen some hours ago."
"Well, you don't really have a choice when it comes to car breakdowns," Eddy replies, following Basil to the reception desk. She scans the room as Basil digs up a registration form and says, "I like that retro style you've got going here. It's way too conservative for my taste; but it's cool in a warped way. Time warp way, do you know what I mean?" And she chuckles and winks at Basil who looks at her blankly. Eddy does some dance moves from the Rocky Horror Picture Show and intones: "Let's do the time warp again… Anyway. But have you ever noticed electronic devices to stop or act funnily around here?"
Basil is still looking at her, every inch of his being mortally offended, as he hands her the form and says icily: "If you would please fill this in…"
"My, you do have a cheerful disposition, don't you?" Eddy murmurs and starts writing.
"Excuse me if my humour is a little more on the sophisticated side," Basil snaps.
"Oooh," Eddy hoots and Patsy, who has been inspecting the taxidermied moose head on the wall, cackles and finally joins Eddy at the desk, taking a deep drag of her cigarette.
"Did you hear that, Pats?"
"Every word, darling. You seem to be a funny man, mister. Do you know what happened to the last man who tried to get funny with me?"
Basil swallows visibly (unfortunately that includes some of Patsy's cigarette smoke which she blew into his face) but he barks back: "I – will not – be threatened – by – you!"
At that moment Mrs Monsoon and the two drivers barge into the lobby, the men carrying half a dozen suitcases and panting under the heavy weight.
"What a darling décor," Mrs Monsoon remarks.
"Good evening," Basil says wearily. "Welcome to Fawlty Towers. How can I help you?"
"We are here for the bridge championship," June Monsoon explains brightly.
"No, no, we're not," Eddy corrects her in a rather loud voice. "We're nowhere near the bloody bridge championship, Mother! We're still stuck in the middle of nowhere and if I don't get a room or at least a bathroom very soon, there will be another accident tonight!"
"You all belong to the same party?" Basil asks weakly. "Oh, God. I mean, good. So how many rooms will that be?"
"Four," his guests cry in unison, making Basil jump.
"Very well, then, I need each of you to fill in these forms." He hands out the sheets to everyone and falls silent afterwards.
The cab driver puts down the last piece of luggage with a thud and says: "All right, if that's all, I'll be off."
Since no one seems to have any objections and is writing away diligently, he touches his hat and says, "Cheerio, Mr Fawlty."
Eddy and Patsy look up from their forms, recognising the name.
"So you're the owner of Low Fat Twyster, I mean, the hotel," Eddy states, comprehension dawning on her with whom she and Patsy just picked a fight.
"Do you have a wellness area?" Patsy asks and the two of them snort, remembering their private joke from the taxi.
Basil looks quite perplexed, not getting the joke, but he is saved by his wife Sybil who appears at his side behind the registration desk and smiles professionally at the new arrivals. Her hair is extraordinarily big tonight.
"Good evening, everyone. Welcome to Fawlty Towers."
"She must be that sophisticated side of his he was talking about," Patsy whispers to Eddy who tries to keep a straight face this time since the woman seems to be nice enough.
"I'm Sybil Fawlty. I presume my husband has informed you that we have prepared your rooms and also saved some dinner for you?"
"Actually, dear, we are still dealing with the registration so we haven't got to discussing the dinner arrangement yet," Basil admits.
"I see. Well, when you have all refreshed yourselves you can take your meals in our dining room. It is over there, right across the hall."
With sweetness in her voice and a crocodile's smile on her face she turns towards her husband and asks: "Why has our guests' luggage not been moved up to their rooms, Basil?"
"Because, as I was just telling you, we are still busy with the paperwork," Basil answers, equally honeyed.
"But I suppose Manuel has nothing to do with the paperwork, so he could have started taking the luggage upstairs…?"
"That may be true, dear, but Manuel is presently waiting on the guests in the bar," Basil says triumphantly, hoping to have outsmarted his wife for once.
"If that is the case, then you will have to carry the bags up to the guest rooms," Sybil retorts placidly.
Basil shoots her a nasty glance and says: "Sure. I'm glad you remember that the guest always comes first."
With this he stalks over to the pile of luggage and picks up two suitcases. His face goes red with strain and his arms seem to become even longer as he moves towards the staircase and slowly climbs upstairs.
"God, this is worse than Korea," he mutters under his breath.
"Please excuse my husband, he is a bit under the weather," Sybil Fawlty tells the Londoners. "Actually, he has been for years." She giggles and Patsy and Eddy chuckle appreciatively and poke each other in the ribs.
Sybil collects the forms and stows them away safely before saying, "If you would please follow me now."
She shows the four guests to their rooms on the first floor. They almost get knocked down by Basil who comes shooting out of one of their rooms on his way to get the rest of the suitcases. He dodges them at the last moment which makes June ask surprised: "And what are you running from?"
"In general, that would be the Sisyphean boulder behind me," Basil says sarcastically.
"Don't be silly, Mr Fawlty, rockfall in a house? You must be daydreaming." With this, June marches past him towards her room while Basil looks as if he is about to argue with her but then thinks better of it. With a sigh he decides to go and get the last suitcases while the guests go on to inspect their quarters.