A/N: And here's the entry from CoLu Week 2016 for you all. This chapter is dedicated to my Triplets, LittlePrincessNana and Leoslady4ever. Without them, it wouldn't have been possible.

It's been edited a fair bit, but the majority of the content is still the same as the original.

I'll return with an update for this story on Day 6 (Invitation) of CoLu Week 2017. Please be aware that there will be an update in the CoLu Week 2017 story as well, but that page will only be filler to let you know that this has been updated.

2016 - Online

I Can't Even...

Cobra let out a contented sigh as he spotted the familiar navy blue door with its little, gold-plated 2B just beneath the peephole. If he never had to work with Gajeel and Midnight again, it would be a godsend. The two, separately, he could handle. Even while spending time in the bar, they were a blast to be around as a group. But put two Dragon Slayers and the Reflector mage in a team to take out a dark guild…

There wasn't even a point to the job, with the amount of damage that had been done.

And the majority of it was after they'd finished. He didn't even know how the foundation of the whole town started to collapse. All he knew was that there was no reward money.

Still, he was home. And that was what mattered the most.

He could use his new key to enter the one place he wanted to spend all of his time, and curl up with his blonde fiancée because she was stuck home on maternity leave. Well, a self-imposed maternity leave. Lucy had a habit of getting far too injured on missions, so they had agreed she wouldn't take any until after the baby was born. In another seven months.

Neither of them were willing to risk anything happening to their baby. Even though everyone said they were being overprotective already, he'd told them all to go fuck themselves, especially after Lucy had started crying because no one seemed to understand that she was trying to be a responsible parent. Half of the men in Fairy Tail had been poisoned that day, while the women ran to her side to assure her that she would be an amazing mom, and it was really endearing to see Cobra taking it so seriously that he would bear the brunt of making money for their family. He didn't tell Lucy that a few of the women still didn't understand what she was so worried about, because she had stopped crying. That's what he cared about.

Pulling his key ring out, Cobra unlocked the door and made his way inside, smiling when he saw her sitting on the couch in what he already knew were her 'comfy clothes' consisting of loose sweatpants, one of his thermal shirts with the sleeves rolled up, and fuzzy rainbow-colored socks. She wasn't writing at her desk like he would have expected, but had instead set up her laptop to sit on the coffee table. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes wide yet intense, headphones plugged in, and the pencil in her free hand flew across the pages of her notebook while she wrote down whatever it was that he already knew had inspired another story.

Sometimes, he was more than thankful that Lucy had learned how to shut out his Soul Listening magic. The shit she wrote about, on occasion, he really didn't need to hear.

Placing his bag on the floor and kicking his shoes off, Cobra made his way into the apartment and took a seat next to her. She didn't look at him, and didn't seem to realize that he was even there.

Movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention, and he turned to look at the computer screen only to draw back in horror.

The last thing he'd been expecting was hentai. That, he could even get behind sometimes. There was some really amazing artwork out there, and Cobra was all for showing an artist some appreciation for what they produced. But this shit?

The woman's mouth opened on a scream, her eyes widening as her astronaut suit was ripped from her body to bare her overly large breasts. She was pulled through a gelatinous mass that disintegrated the rest of her suit, leaving only her helmet intact.

Lucy paused in her writing to stare at the screen, dropping her pencil in the process.

She tried to scramble away, fighting desperately as long, spindling, green tendrils reached toward her flailing limbs. Spread to her limit, the woman was lifted into the air, screaming again as an oozing, green alien appeared before her with bright yellow eyes and rows of elongated fangs. The tendrils bound her in place as several shot forward to glide over her exposed sex and constrict around her breasts, teasing her distended nipples.

"What the fuck?" Cobra whispered in horror. He shuddered as Lucy mindlessly picked up the pencil again and started writing, her eyes never leaving the screen.

He'd heard her asking Gajeel for some sites to check out as inspiration for her stories, but when the Iron Slayer had told her about this particular porn site, Cobra had thought nothing of it. There were just some things you needed to see from an outsider's perspective to be able to write about, regardless of the amount of times they did the same positions and scenarios she wanted to use in her writing.

Her eyes rolled back as thick tentacles filled her mouth and core, smaller tendrils spiralling together to tease her ass.

"Jesus fucking Christ! What the shit are you watching?!" Cobra shouted.

Lucy screamed in terror as a hand was placed on her arm. She smacked his hand away, flailing wildly while she lost her balance and toppled to the floor. The headphones were wrenched from her ears as her foot caught the cord, ripping it from the computer.

Slosh. Slosh. Squish.

"No. No! Please stop! What's this monster doing to me? Why is this happening? I'm going to break!"

Slosh. Squish. Squelch.

Cobra stared in horror at the furiously blushing blonde on the ground. Their eyes locked.

Slosh.

"I'm breaking! My… mind is going… blank…"

Neither mage moved a muscle.

The door to the apartment opened, revealing Gajeel and Midnight as they chuckled and made their way inside.

"No! Don't cum in me! I'll get pregnant! I don't want to have an alien's baby!"

Squish-squish-squish.

"No! I'm cumming! I'm cumming!"

Midnight looked at the screen as a thin trail of blood dripped down from his nose.

Her stomach was distended as several overly large tentacles writhed around within her. Thick white puffs of fluid dripped down her thighs. The tips of three tentacles pushed out of her mouth, wriggling wildly and forcing the glass faceplate of her helmet to shatter outward as her body bowed backward.

"Fuckin' shit, Bunny," Gajeel snickered.

Lucy reached over and slammed the computer shut to put the stupid thing to sleep. 'This is so mortifying!'

Sploosh. Squish.

"Yes! Fuck me harder! Give me your sticky alien baby milk!"

Lucy squeaked in alarm as the sounds from the video continued playing through her speakers. Detangling herself from the headphone cord, she flipped the laptop open again and typed in her password as quickly as possible.

Incorrect.

She typed again, a little slower, but with trembling fingers.

Incorrect.

Cobra blinked as Lucy whimpered, reaching forward and stopping her quivering hands. Slowly, he typed in her password - he still didn't understand what made her think twinkle-twinkle was a secure password - then hit enter and closed the godforsaken site down. Only to find another page open.

Gajeel's head was tipped back, his lip curled in a snarl as Pantherlily in his Battle Form speared into him from below. A large black paw was wrapped around the Iron Slayer's overly large cock lined with piercings.

"What the fuck?" Gajeel growled, his laughter dying down in an instant while he stormed further into the apartment. Disgust coiled in his stomach and he dropped to his knees, his head in his hands. "Fuckin' fanart… Why…?"

Cobra closed the tab, then gagged.

Jellal knelt on the grass, his tongue dragging over Midnight's throbbing, veined length as cum spattered across his tattooed face.

Midnight choked and collapsed just inside the door.

Lucy closed the tab, her cheeks flaming when she realized that her chat with Cana and Angel was still open.

KeysAndStars: Wait, Jellal died?!

Swan_Booty: you said Cobra was gonna kill him =P

Bikini-Baby: No, I said Cobra was gonna kill him LOL

KeysAndStars: LMFAO!

Swan_Booty: oh hahahaha

Bikini-Baby: And Erza really is gonna die first

Swan_Booty: LMFAO… OMG whoops sorry!

Bikini-Baby: YAY! I won't have to kill her first... Cobra will in Lucy's fic

Swan_Booty: Sorry I don't mean to laugh my ass off at your reaction… but I totally am lol

KeysAndStars: LMFAO! Dick.

Swan_Booty: wad… you forgot the wad

KeysAndStars: I still love you.

Bikini-Baby: Lucy has a nice dick

Swan_Booty: *hands over the wad*

KeysAndStars: -suckles your wad- O.o

Swan_Booty: I always wanted my wad suckled

Bikini-Baby: LMAO! I was going to put -licks the wad- Angel's wad is getting all the love tonight apparently… Lucy's dick and Angel's wad

KeysAndStars: -pulls out a wobbuffett-

Bikini-Baby: I hope the Council is reading our conversations

KeysAndStars: LMFAO

Swan_Booty: hahahahahhahah… Probably the most interesting things they've ever seen *waves*

Bikini-Baby: Exactly... they won't know what to make of it

Swan_Booty: See my wad?

KeysAndStars: *picture of Lickatongue eating his trainer*

Bikini-Baby: LMFAO!

KeysAndStars: Omg the timing.

Swan_Booty: OMG wtf is that? my wad!

KeysAndStars: LICKATONGUE!

Swan_Booty: LMFAO

Bikini-Baby: That was brilliant

KeysAndStars: So anyway… Lucy's naked. Midnight has a nosebleed…

Cobra blinked slowly, smacking her hand away to scroll down a little further. Never in the time they'd been together had he questioned just what Lucy talked about with the girls while she was online. They were good friends - he was still extremely thankful that she was so close with Angel, even though they hardly got to see each other - and she was nearly always smiling while chatting with them. But this? He'd never expected this...

Swan_Booty: also, I loved the moist thought lol

Bikini-Baby: LMAO! I had to... I know so many people that get creeped out by that word. I don't get it, personally

Swan_Booty: me either lol

KeysAndStars: I love that word.

Bikini-Baby: Me too

KeysAndStars: Because it's so awkward to say when you mention it in regards to your vagina... during an otherwise normal conversation.

Swan_Booty: it's a word that makes you envision all sorts of interesting things hehehe

KeysAndStars: "I had some great french toast for breakfast." Then… "Fuck, that shit makes me so goddamn MOIST!"

Bikini-Baby: LMFAO

Swan_Booty: there is that… because French Toast should always be loved like that… it should always get the Cobra treatment

Bikini-Baby: A lot of things should get the Cobra treatment O.O

KeysAndStars: I love you guys…

Lucy reached forward and closed all of her windows, then slammed the laptop shut and tossed it on the couch.

"Bright Eyes," Cobra whispered.

"Don't say it…"

"No, I know you and the girls are batshit fucking crazy," he sighed. "But, um…"

"Why are they always making me and Lily fuck?" Gajeel whimpered. "We're just friends. And not even the same goddamn species! I'm not a fuckin' furry…"

"... What?" Lucy was completely ignoring the fact that Gajeel was in tears by that point.

"Why the fuck are you taking notes on tentacle porn?"

She gulped, giving him a sheepish smile. "Um… Fanfiction…?"

Cobra shook his head, staring sightlessly down at the pad of paper Lucy had been writing on. "Fanfiction," he said.

"Yeah."

"Fanfiction about… About the guild."

"Well, yeah," she winced.

"Fanfiction about the guild we're a part of, involving people who are your friends, and involving you…"

"You're in it, too," she pouted. "I super ship us together, even though everyone says we're a crack ship."

"Where the fuck do tentacles… I… I can't even…"

"Coby?"

He stood up and stared at the ground. "I'm gonna just… go and shoot myself in the face…"

"I don't even get a kiss?"

"Gimme a few minutes," he whispered shakily. "I've got some shit to assimilate."

"At least you didn't see the bestiality!" Lucy called after him. "That was the first site Gajeel gave me…"

He paused in his trek toward their shared bedroom, gulping audibly. "You didn't…"

"No, I didn't take notes… But, I'll never look at a horse the same way again…" Really, Lucy couldn't close that window fast enough. It was the stuff of nightmares.

"I fucking hate you…"

"Hey, it could've been futanari!" Lucy shot back while watching the Poison Slayer wobble away on unsteady legs. "Chicks with dicks, Coby! So many dicks!"

"She's never using the internet again," Cobra muttered to himself. He made his way to the bathroom and hopped into the shower with the water still freezing. Maybe it would get rid of the sickening churning in his stomach from what he'd just found out about the woman he was going to marry.

Or maybe he would just gouge out his other eye so he'd never see anything again…

That was sounding more and more appealing by the second.

The conversations between Lucy, Angel, and Cana were copied from a couple Triplet Skype conversations. That's the kind of insanity that happens when we talk… The first conversation was actually when I was talking about what I was planning for 2016's Who Says Fairy Tales Are Normal prompt. Hence Lucy being naked and Midnight having a nosebleed. And the second is from a conversation concerning chapter 10 of LittlePrincessNana's Laxco fic, Soulful Fugue. If you haven't read that, I highly recommend it.

I hope you guys enjoyed it. Like I said, some weird humor for you. Short, sweet (lol), and a tad creepy. And yes… Lucy writes fanfics about her own guild lol.