The Very Secret Diary of Mal
by Edme McCormic
Chapter Two
Note: I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.
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Day Nine Hundred Sixty Five
Totally forgot that I had this. My bad. Anyway, got a job from Badger, I hate that little man, and it should be a cake walk. Got to pick some salvage off of a ship that went... Well, not really sure what happened to it, but that really isn't my problem now is it? I don't care if it was Reavers... Ok, I do care if it was Reavers, but I don't care if whatever else happened to it... Of course if it was some disease I will care, or if there was a murderer who kill everyone else, and is now just waiting for some unsuspecting space ship captain to latch on so he can get more blood! I really should have asked Badger what happened to this ship, I am really rather paranoid now.
Later
Cargo is labeled. Every last inch of this stuff is covered in Alliance logos. Damn it! Oh well, I will still hand it over to Badger, and he can do with it what he likes. I'm not gettin' my hands on it any more than I have to. Besides it was Badger's hit in the first place, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't hand it over to him.
Day Nine Hundred Sixty Six
Ruttin' hell! Alliance spotted us (knew that already) but they sent an alert out over the system sayin' that we were harboring stolen goods, an' now Badger won't take 'em. That, an' he now knows that they were stamped with the Alliance logo. I am so humped that it isn't even funny. Really, what choice do I have now? I can't drop the goods, I can't keep 'em, though I bet they would taste damn fine after some of the stuff we have been havin'. No, bad Mal, can't think thoughts like this, must think of the money. All I want/need is the ruttin' money.
Later
Totally found my patsy. I am gonna totally pass 'em off to Patience, and let her deal with 'em. Not that I think she will be bothered by the stamp, I know she won't be, but I really am not sure I want to deal with her again. I don't really have a choice, but after last time I am a little bit cautious. She did shot me last time, a fact that the crew is sure to remind me of every time I bring it up. As the captain I can't show fear, so I play it off like I am the plucky hero, but really I almost piss myself every time I think of that damn woman.
Later Later
Had to take on passengers today. That was fun, but not really. Kaylee seems happy about it, but Kaylee is happy about everything, she really don't give a good gorram about nothin'. Maybe that is why I like the girl so much.
Anyway, we got a doctor, a preacher, an' some weird lookin' guy who calls himself Lawrence, or somethin' stupid like that. They are talkin' up space on my boat, with my illegal cargo, an' it makes me all sorts a nervous havin' so many people that ain't crew on my boat. Don't like that doctor fella at all though. Somethin' about him just ain't right. Looks all suspicious with his fancy duds, an' clean hair, manicured nails, an' soft silky skin... Not that I know his skin is as soft as a babies bottom or nothin'...
Later Later Later
Good gorram! That boy needs to learn how to hold his ruttin' tongue! Jayne, if I can even call him by his real name, made fun a poor little Kaylee at dinner this evenin', so I sent him out, then his little out burst caused the good doctor to question his role on the ship. Not that it ain't obvious, but we don't like ta show off his skills ta people that ain't a part a our trade, an' doctors askin' questions they shouldn't ain't good for business.
Later Later Later Later
There is/was a ruttin' rat on our boat! A fed rat, not a rodent rat! I hate the feds, an the gorram guy tried to get a wave out to his ruttin' superiors, lucky for me, pilot... I mean Wash, was able ta scramble it all ta hell, so they weren't able to get it. That was way to close for comfort.
Almost forgot. You know Kaylee. Sweet as sugar Kaylee, who everyone loves, and no one can hate. Yeah, well she got shot by that hwoon dahn Lawrence. Guy just up an' shot her for no other reason than she was there at the wrong place at the wrong time, an' cause he likes shootin' at girls. Bastard. Wanted ta kill him right there, but knew it wouldn't be right, an' I got ta set an example for my crew, even if they are dumb as doorknobs, an' twice as thick. Ok, they ain't all like that, but some of them are, all right, one of 'em is, an' I need him learnin' all the lessons he can.
So anyway, had to open up the doc's box seein' as that was what all the commotion was about, an' as captain it is my job to stick my nose in everybody else's business whether they like it or not. Of course if they don't like it, it makes my job one hundred times more fun.
Well, I got this box open, kicked the lid off cause I'm good like that, an' low an' behold there was a little naked girl inside. Ok, little might be an understatement, but she was/is thin, an' a girl. Real pretty too. Long black hair, an' real... I shouldn't be talkin' like this. She's young, real young, an' I'm old, real old. Also... Well... She's the doc's sis. Thought she was his wife, or something for a while, seein' as she was all froze up in that box, but nope, she's his sister. Kinda crazy though. Of course first impressions can be misleadin'.
Day Nine Hundred Sixty Seven
Crew keeps botherin' me about the fact that I got shot last time I tried to deal with Patience. I keep tellin' them to lay off it, but no one seems to take the hint! I don't wanna think about it, it makes my scar hurt, and not to mention my pride.
I hate my crew, well everyone except the hot chick.
Later
Yep, she's crazy. River, that's the doc's sisters name, is off her rocker. Completely loopy. Yep... That's all I have to say about that.
Oh yeah, we ran into some Reavers, but they didn't do nothin' to us, which I am eternally grateful. Today is not a good day for me to be eaten by space cannibals. Really not in the mood.
Day Nine Hundred Sixty Eight
Today was a good day. Dropped the goods off with Patience, got paid. Yeah, I got a little bit shot, and Zoe got a little bit shot, and Lawrence got a little bit dead, but other than that it was real shiny.
So we get to Whitefall, Jayne goes off to do his diggin' thing, Zoe and I stay back to do our waitin' on the peon thing. Then once everything is nice and dug Zoe an' I go off to get the gorram job done, an' Jayne goes off to make sure that we don't get shot full of holes. Course with him you can never really be sure. Not that he ain't a great shot, cause he is, but because he was talkin' to Lawrence, an' you never know what his price is gonna be. Price ta sell out on ya I mean. Oh, if ya were wonderin', no he didn't sell out to Lawrence, he did his job like the good little mindless peon he is..
So Zoe an' I are talkin' to Patience, an' we know this is gonna go bad, cause it always goes bad. Then there was a gun fight, we shot some people in the face cause we are just good like that. Then we took our money, headed back to the ship, gorram Reavers followed us! I hate gorram Reavers! Course we made it out all right, just like we always do.
Really, it was a fairly good day. Well, by fairly I mean not really at all, no.
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Hey guys, sorry it took me so long to get this one up. I really didn't have any motivation, and I'm in college now, so I am doing stuff all the time so writing for pleasure really doesn't fit into my schedule unless I force it.
Hope this chapter wasn't do bad. I just wrote it on the seat of my pants, so forgive me if it wasn't as funny, or was lacking in actual factage (yes, factage), but I did my best for the time being. Don't worry, I will have more soon, and I hope to get my jokage juices (yes, jokage juices) flowing once again.
Thanks for reading, and PLEASE review! They make me want to write more, and help get the chapters out faster.