Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager is property of Paramount Pictures and all respective cast, crew, and employees. I am not making a profit off this. This is simply for fanfiction enjoyment.

Summary: The Doctor is not the only one who suffered from his decision when Harry Kim and Jetal are attacked. Set after the events of Latent Image. Harry Kim struggles with being the one the Doctor chose.

Rating: PG-13

Timeline: Takes place after the shuttle attack in Latent Image.

The Chosen One

"I want no one to mention anything about Ensign Jetal or the accident that killed her, to the Doctor," Captain Janeway explained to the senior staff. All were gathered in the briefing room. The captain had just explained her intention of erasing the Doctor's memory of Ensign Jetal and the accident.

"We must have a functioning Doctor and being in the Delta Quadrant doesn't allow us the luxury of time for us or him to fix the problem in his programming."

All senior staff nodded. Ensign Harry Kim gave a slight nod, though he was staring at the table.

"Lieutenant Torres," the captain said, turning to the half-human half-Klingon chief of security, "meet me at 1400 hours in Sickbay and we'll begin the procedure."

"Aye, sir."

As the senior officers filed out of the briefing room, Harry remained in his seat.

"Something I can do for your, Ensign?" the captain asked.

"Permission to speak freely?" Harry asked, looking up at the captain.

Janeway nodded.

"I don't agree with what you're about to do; erasing the Doctor's memory. It would be like Ensign Jetal didn't exist. The Doctor also doesn't deserve to have his memory erased simply because he's running into a program malfunction."

The captain looked back at the ensign, sadness filling her eyes.

"Harry, we've tried for days to fix the malfunction in the Doctor's program and nothing has worked. He's gotten to the point where he refuses to treat people because he fears he will cause them harm. He figures that if there is a malfunction in his ethical programming, there might be other problems he isn't aware of; problems that will result in the injury or death of another patient.

"We've tried telling him there aren't any other problems, but he refuses to believe us. He's become obsessed with the decision he made, wondering over and over why…"

The captain stopped mid-sentence suddenly realizing that what she was talking about would profoundly affect who she was talking to.

"Why he chose me," Harry finished for her.

Captain Kathryn Janeway took the seat next to Harry and put an assuring hand on his tense hands.

"He had to make a choice," she explained, "if he didn't, you both would not have made it."

Harry nodded almost imperceptibly. After a few moments of silence, the captain gave the young ensign a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder before leaving.

It was several minutes before the ensign found both the physical and emotional strength to stand back up and walk out of the briefing room.

Tom Paris stretched his arms out, grinning from ear to ear as he sailed in the air, a jetpack strapped onto his back. He looked around at the black and white scene around him and shouted with great drama, "Captain Proton coming to the rescue!"

To any other person, the Holodeck program the lieutenant was running would have looked strange, even ridiculous, but to Tom, it was pure fun. No matter how many times he ran episodes of Captain Proton, an ancient TV show, he never tired of it.

In the meantime, Harry, playing the role of Buster Kincaid, Captain Proton's sidekick, stood tied with rope to a pole, hands tied around the pole and behind his back. Harry enjoyed sharing Tom's favorite Holodeck program, especially now, when it distracted him from the incident that was never far from his mind.

"You'll never get away with this!" he shouted to the evil villain, Chaotica.

The holographic Chaotica laughed, letting out the annoying classic evil guffaw.

MWAHAHAHA!

"Ah," he smiled, turning around to grab something off a table, "but I will! Once you are finished, your friend Proton-boy will sail into my lair and face this."

Chaotica turned around, his hand aiming a weapon at Harry. Harry looked at the weapon; it was an elaborate one. The weapon was a three-pronged rifle with thick barrels on each side and it reminded Harry of something he'd rather forget. His mind raced to the alien that had attacked him and Ensign Jetal; the weapon that killed Jetal and very nearly him, looked very similar to the one the fictional character aimed at him.

Suddenly, he was no longer in the Holodeck, but on the shuttle, facing the alien that had attacked him a few weeks ago. He tried to move, but his arms wouldn't budge. Harry's breathing quickened tenfold and sweat beaded on his forehead. Fear and panic gripped the ensign as the alien fired his weapon at him.

"Stop evildoer!" Tom/Captain Proton shouted as he burst through the ceiling window of Chaotica's headquarters. Chaotica whirled around towards the noise, just in time to be clobbered by Tom's descending form. Tom landed squarely on the fictional villain as he powered down his jetpack before turning it off. Chaotica was knocked out cold. Tom peered at him.

"That was too easy," he smiled. He finally looked up to see Harry his head down, eyes closed.

"Oh," Tom said lightheartedly, "don't tell me you let Chaotica win."

But Harry didn't move.

"Harry?"

Tom quickly closed the distance between he and his friend.

"Harry!" he shook the ensign, but he didn't respond.

"Computer, are the Holodeck safeties engaged?"

Affirmative.

"Computer, end program."

The program disappeared and along with it, the pole and ropes to which Harry was tied to. His lifeless body collapsed to the floor and would have crashed onto it if Tom hadn't gently guided him down. He checked for a pulse, and breathed a sigh of relief when he found one.

The lieutenant slapped his combadge.

"Paris to transporter room, initiate a site-to-site transport of myself and Ensign Kim directly to Sickbay!"

As Harry Kim slowly started to slip back into consciousness, his previous thoughts also began to surface.

"No!" he screamed as the alien fired upon him.

He jolted up.

"Woah, easy."

Harry snapped his eyes open to find himself in Voyager's Sickbay and not in the shuttle. His hand shook and he wiped the sweat that had gathered on his forehead. Tom was gently easing him back on the biobed.

"Wha-what happened?"

Tom had just finished administering a hypospray to Harry's neck and he scanned his friend with a medical tricorder.

"We were running a Captain Proton Holodeck program," he explained, "I had just defeated Chaotica, then I found you. You weren't getting enough oxygen and you lost consciousness."

Harry thought, absorbing what Tom had said.

"I fainted," he explained simply.

Tom nodded after a slight hesitation.

"I fainted in a Captain Proton program," Harry repeated, shaking his head, humiliated, "did anyone else see?"

"No, though I had to call a site-to-site transport."

"Great," Harry sighed, "As if I don't have enough on my mind as it is, I'm going to be the laughing stalk of the entire ship."

"I'm going to run more medical scans," Tom said, "maybe there's a physical reason for your losing consciousness, I have to rule out what I think right now."

"And what do you think it was?"

Tom looked up from his medical tools and sighed, "A panic attack. But I can't figure out what would cause that. Do you know?"

boop

"Captain to Lieutenant Paris."

"Yes, captain?"

"Is everything alright with Ensign Kim?

Tom glanced at Harry, who lowered his head, bracing himself for the humiliation.

"Yes, captain," Tom replied, "he's been working so hard the past few days, he hasn't eaten or slept enough and the exhaustion finally caught up with him. With some food and rest, he will be in top duty form tomorrow."

"Glad to hear it, Janeway out."

"Thanks," Harry said, looking up at his friend.

Tom smiled and nodded.

"Now, back to my original question. Is there something on your mind lately?"

Harry stared at the floor, still embarrassed that he had fainted, even if it was in front of his friend.

"Not really."

"Then I'll have to run more medical scans, because then it wasn't a panic attack." Tom replied simply.

"No, that's not needed."

"Then what's going on?"

Harry slid off the biobed and started towards the Sickbay doors.

"Nothing."

"Oh, come on," Tom said frustration finding its way into his voice, "it has to be something-"

"J-Just…forget it." Harry interrupted, "I'm fine."

"No you're not," Tom replied pointedly, "you're scared and it's destroying you."

His friend could only avoid the truth for so long and Tom was going to stop it before his friend suffered irreparable damage; if it hadn't already done so.

Harry stopped in his tracks and slowly turned around. He looked down at the floor, his hands fumbling nervously.

"I can't stop thinking about it," he finally started to admit, "that shuttle attack. I mean, why did the Doctor choose me?"

He looked up at Tom.

"Why did Jetal have to die? Why didn't I raise the shields fast enough and what the hell was that alien doing attacking us in the first place?!"

Tom met his friend with downcast eyes.

"I dunno," Tom said lamely.

"No one knows," Harry said defeated, "and we never will know the answers will we?"

It was a rhetorical question.

"You know," Tom started to say softly, "when you and Jetal were brought back to Voyager after you'd both been attacked. I knew it was bad. One look, and I knew both of you were in serious danger.

"It wasn't long before both your stats were critically low. I told the Doctor to talk me through the surgery, but only he could perform it."

He took a long, shuddering breath before continuing.

"That's when I told him… yelled at him, in fact, to 'make a choice.' I told him to make a choice because I knew I wouldn't be objective. I wanted to save you."

Harry nodded his mouth a thin line. He was touched by his friend's admission, but guilt invaded his mind, just as it had the last several days.

"Little did I know that the Doctor's programming would run into the same ethical dilemma I would have faced."

"Would you have done things differently if you knew what you know now?" Harry asked.

Tom thought for a moment.

"I don't know. I still don't think I would have made an objective decision, and that's what bothers me."

"You wouldn't be human if you behaved any differently," Harry explained, "this is why doctor's don't operate on their friends or family, they're too emotionally involved. You told the Doctor to make an objective decision; one that you knew you couldn't make. This is not your fault, Tom."

Both stood in silence for a moment.

Suddenly, the floor of Voyager dipped down before righting itself. B'Elanna explained from engineering over the combadge that it was a power surge, one that could easily be fixed.

Tom looked at his friend, who was shaking and looked as if he were bracing himself for an all-out assault on the ship. It took several moments for Harry to gather himself.

"The slightest jolt on the ship causes me to jump a mile," he said. He sighed heavily, turned around, and headed back to the Sickbay doors.

"I don't know what I'm going to do the next time I'm assigned to an away mission."

Tom looked at Harry's back.

"You know no one can make you a victim without your consent."

Harry stopped mid-stride, paused, then continued to walk. His voice was barely above a whisper, but Tom still heard him.

"A part of me wishes I were a hologram, just so I can forget about what's happened."

Harry Kim slowly stepped into the Holodeck, his feet still unsteady and his hands still shaking. Voyager had just fended off yet another hostile species and it took all of the ensign's strength just to keep it together. Every time Voyager rocked, he felt as if he were back on the shuttle. Every time a phaser shot at the ship, his skin crawled as he recalled the pain he endured when the alien attacked him; and every time someone was sent to Sickbay, he hoped that no two patients had equally life-threatening injuries.

Voyager had just begun repairs and the senior staff was released to recuperate from the last several days. It was only Harry's tenacious resolve and his desire to never let his fellow crewmen down that kept him from collapsing; both physically and mentally.

However, it was clear to him now that something must be done. He held onto a wall to steady himself and breathed deeply several times.

"Computer," he commanded, "begin program Kim Delta Theta Alpha."

The Holodeck was immediately replaced with the shuttle incident that had haunted his dreams and thoughts for the past several weeks. The shuttle rocked as it was hit with a phaser blast. Harry watched as the alien attacker materialized on the shuttle and aimed its weapon at the holographic representation of himself and Ensign Jetal. But this time, the real Harry Kim was armed. He had programmed a phaser, which he held in his sweaty palm.

As soon as the alien aimed, Harry fired. All turned to look at the other intruder.

"Mr. Kim?" the Doctor asked, looking confused at the real ensign. He looked at the holographic Harry, which shrugged his shoulders. Ensign Jetal had the same shocked look on her face.

But Harry paid no attention to the rest of the characters in the holographic program; he was solely focused on the alien attacker. As soon as the alien slumped over, unconscious, Harry advanced towards him. All the emotions that he had bottled up inside him; the frustration of being unable to react as he just did, the anger at the alien for killing Ensign Jetal and nearly him, the agony over choice the Doctor made, exploded. He grabbed a phaser rifle stored in a compartment behind him and was about to fire it on the unconscious alien, when the holographic Ensign Jetal spoke.

"What're you doing? He's already unconscious. You fire that, he'll die."

Suddenly, the pent-up anger seemed to dissipate as Harry looked at his hands; at what he was about to do. His mouth suddenly went dry and he stumbled back.

"Computer, delete characters."

The Doctor, Ensign Jetal, the holographic Ensign Kim, and the unconscious alien all disappeared.

"AAUUUGHHH!"

Harry yelled, the frustration, anger, and agony finally spilling over. He slammed the phaser rifle on the side of the shuttle. The rifle crunched loudly as it violently connected with the shuttle's hull. Again and again, Harry slammed the rifle at the shuttle's hull, until the energy casing finally dislodged and broke. Finally, Harry dropped to the floor on his hands and knees, breathing heavily. He moved away from the phaser rifle, horrified at what he was about to do, even if it were a hologram. He thought about Ensign Jetal, and the emotional tightrope he had been walking ever since she died.

He leaned against a sidewall of the shuttlecraft and hot tears began to well in his eyes. Although he had grieved for Jetal, a part of him had been holding back… but he could only keep his emotions inside for so long. He started to cry and his body shook with each sob as he grieved, truly grieved for his friend. Ensign Jetal's parents would never have the closure of knowing their daughter's attacker or even why she was killed.

Although he was in tears, a part of him was relieved. Relieved that he could finally have this emotional release. Tom was right, by not acknowledging the incident or wishing it would go away, he had volunteered to be a victim. He had let the alien, whoever-the-hell he was, destroy him both physically and mentally. He swallowed hard as the tears finally subsided.

At least the alien would not claim another victim.

Five months later (after episode Latent Image)….

The Doctor sat in the Holodeck on one of the two seats, the only furniture in the cavernous bay. His program ran over his decision for literally the ten thousandth time, but he was no closer to a solution than when his program ran over it the first time.

The Doctor had had his memories of the incident that killed Ensign Jetal restored, causing his program to run into an ethical feedback loop; and thus, forcing the near breakdown of his programming.

This time, instead of deleting his memories yet again, the captain decided to help the Doctor sort out his emotions, but it was proving to be a difficult task.

The doors to the Holodeck parted and Ensign Kim stepped in.

"Mr. Kim," the Doctor said, looking up; his usual cheery voice was replaced with a dismal, disheartened tone.

"Hey, Doc," Harry greeted softly.

He sat down in the other chair and faced the Doctor.

"Is it your turn to come supervise me so I don't go insane?" the Doctor asked, bitterness thick in his voice.

"No," Harry replied ignoring the Doctor's acidic remark, "I wanted to apologize for lying to you earlier."

"You mean when you said you didn't remember my giving you an operation?"

It was a detailed physiological picture that first tipped the Doctor off to his missing memory engrams. A scar at the base of Harry's neck was the first domino to be knocked over that eventually led to the Doctor discovering the entire truth.

Harry nodded, "It was a half-truth really, because who remembers being unconscious and in surgery? But I was still lying to you. I knew what happened to me; both before and after the surgery. I was ordered by the captain to refuse any acknowledgement of the attack."

The Doctor nodded slightly.

"Apology accepted. You can go now."

But the ensign didn't move. He continued to face the Doctor.

"I never got a chance to thank you for saving my life."

The Doctor scoffed, though not in response to Harry.

"I know what you're going though right now." Harry said softly.

"Really?" the Doctor looked up at the ensign in disbelief, "How could you? You weren't the one who had to make the decision."

"But I was the one who had to live, knowing the decision you made." Harry said softly.

He continued to explain the days that followed the shuttle attack; his struggles with coming to grips with the fact that he had lived and Jetal had not. He left out no detail, including his fainting.

"Don't tell anyone that, by the way," Harry warned.

"I won't," the Doctor responded, "I can't break doctor-patient confidentiality."

Harry gave a slight smile and nodded.

The two fell into silence as sadness and regret descended on the both of them.

"Why did you choose me?" Harry suddenly asked, breaking the silence, "that's the question I've been wanting to ask, but I never got the chance to before your memory engrams were erased."

The Doctor paused, processing the ensign's question.

"Because you are my friend," the Doctor replied simply, "I barely knew Ensign Jetal."

"Hardly an objective decision a doctor should make," the Doctor continued bitterly.

"As much as I was angry," Harry said, "a part of me was glad. I was glad that you chose me; and I felt guilty for feeling that. I mean, what would I say to Jetal's parents when we get home? 'I'm happy to report that the Doctor chose me to live and not your daughter?'"

"What would I say?" the Doctor asked, "I'm sorry, but I made the choice to kill your daughter?"

"You were trying to save me," Harry said softly.

"I don't think Jetal's parents would take much comfort in that," the Doctor replied.

Harry picked at a piece of lint on the seat absentmindedly. He had avoided the Doctor since his memories were restored, knowing the emotions and anger he had fought so hard against several months ago would resurface. But he also knew the Doctor might struggle just as much, if not more, with the decision he had made.

"This is getting us nowhere," Harry finally said, facing the Doctor, "agonizing over a past we can't change.

"Maybe we should concede on something."

"And what's that?"

"That it sucks that you were forced to make a decision. It's not your fault Ensign Jetal died; it's the alien that attacked her. For the longest time, I felt guilty that you chose me instead of her. I started to become terrified of away missions because of what might happen. Then, I began to realize that the alien had claimed another victim… me."

The Doctor nodded slowly.

"And I might be his next victim."

"I'm sorry you were forced into a decision like this," Harry said.

"And I'm sorry you have to live with my decision," the Doctor replied.

"Actually, don't be," Harry said, "Tom tells me if you had hesitated just three seconds longer, both of us would have died."

"I wish both of you were here," the Doctor said softly.

"You're not the only one who feels that way."

Both fell into another silence, but this time, it was not burdened with as much sadness or regret. Amazingly, the two that had suffered the most from the attack on the shuttle had found the fist step of healing; from each other.

Over time, the sadness and regret would dull, but it never completely disappeared. But somehow, both the Doctor and ensign found reason to move on; they had refused to become victims of the attack.

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