Episode 1: The Tropic of Cancer (Part 2)

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The shipwrecked members of Star Fox (and associates) lost all track of time. With Fox's leadership, Slippy's ingenuity, Katt's spirit, Miyu and Falco's brawn, and Fay's… well, in spite of Fay… they managed to survive.

Using a combination of bamboo shoots, palm leaves and trunks, and wood from other trees, they built an intricate treehouse to live in. It stood several meters off the ground on the edge between the beach and jungle. Inside they constructed bedrooms with hammocks they made from tarps and spare clothing from the shuttle. Slippy managed to engineer a plumbing system that supplied water for toilets, showers, and even primitive coolers.

Their latest project was a motorized boat using salvaged engine parts from the sunken transport shuttle, but at the moment it lay incomplete on the beach. The island's sole inhabitants had lost steam the more they worked, and Fox's encouragement could only drive their morale so far.

By now despair and hopelessness set in. They forwent personal hygiene, not bothering to bathe or trim their facial hair. Fox, Slippy, and Falco all developed scraggly beards. Everyone was skinny and emaciated to the point of showing their ribs. Their foodstuffs ran out quicker than expected, leaving them starved and lacking energy. They had given up hope for someone finding them a long while ago.

If they didn't do something soon, they would starve to death.

Currently it was sunset on the island; tiki torches and a campfire burned in the tropical breeze, washing the sand in an orange glow.

The members of Star Fox lay lethargically on the beach, their clothes ripped and torn, their throats dry, and their stomachs empty.

Katt and Miyu sat closest to the water, letting the waves wash over their feet as they stared across the ocean, mistaking mirages for pleasure cruises.

Falco rested on his back, cutting away at a folded piece of paper. Setting the scissors aside, he unfolded it to reveal a paper doll chain.

Fox lay on his stomach counting the sand on the beach again. He was currently on grain 12,789,468,002.

Slippy sat near the jungle, whittling away at a piece of driftwood with a knife. He was eying Falco's thighs, which was probably why he had carved a drumstick. When he was satisfied with the result he chomped down on it, but only found the briny taste of disappointment.

"Say, Katt…" Miyu's voice came out parched and dry. "What was that thing you said last chapter? About Fay?"

"Hmm…" Katt searched back in her memory. "You mean when I said she was so cute I could eat her?"

Miyu's only answer was to swivel around on the sand, facing back up the beach at the spaniel. Fay sat between them all, surprisingly happy and oblivious to their worries. She hummed pleasantly to herself while stringing colorful blossoms onto a necklace. When she finished the garland she smiled wide and held it up for Miyu and Katt to see. Her smile morphed into an :o when she noticed their cold expressions. One by one she turned to the rest of her friends on the beach. Slippy licked his chops, Fox had a crazed look on his face, and Falco's eyes sparkled evilly.

"…Uh, guys?" she squeaked.

Miyu launched to her feet, clutching her stomach. "I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE, GET HER!"

Fay screamed and made a break for the jungle, but the three men blocked off her escape. She turned on her heel but ran into Miyu and Katt, who quickly grabbed her arms and held her in place.

"No, NOOOO!"

Falco brought a thick branch and some rope with which to tie her. Fox and Slippy threw together a bonfire, lighting the dried grass with flint and steel.

When Fay's arms and legs were tied to the branch Falco and Miyu carried her over to the bonfire and placed the struggling canine across two wooden stakes. The flames crackled beneath her, dangerously licking up at her ragged clothing.

"No! Guys, what's gotten into you?! You aren't seriously going to eat me… right? RIGHT?!"

Miyu and Katt plopped down next to the bonfire, going through Fay's bags and pulling out some special seasonings she brought along.

"Hmm, let's see," Katt hummed. "Salt, paprika, black pepper, onion and garlic powder, coriander..."

"Light on the black pepper, please!" Fay begged. Miyu popped the top off and flicked some at Fay. The spaniel's nose scrunched up before sneezing.

Growing impatient, Slippy set to work turning the spit so that every side of Fay was cooked.

"Urrrgh, I'm getting dizzy!"

Fox and Falco meanwhile sat at the table, scraping their knives noisily together to sharpen them.

Suddenly there came the sound of voices and footsteps on the beach. Slippy stopped rotating Fay and everyone turned to look towards the shore.

They froze.

A group of tourists waddled onto the sand, full of curious adults, teenagers glued to phone screens, grandparents dressed in sandals and socks, whining brats, and of course that one couple that couldn't keep their hands off each other in the tropical heat.

The tour guide—a sky blue amphibian—came to a stop in front of Star Fox's barbeque. He turned to face the tourists and made grandiose gestures with his arms.

"And here we see a young group of natives engaged in a ritual act of cannibalism, due to the exorbitantly high produce prices in oceanfront supermarkets. Behind them you have a rudimentary dwelling place constructed of little more than driftwood. We are lucky to run into this group of primitive post-millennials tonight, for they weren't here two days ago. You, my guests, have had a special treat! Now if you all step this way, in just a few moments we'll see Frappé Island's famous dildo-shaped rock…"

"Wait!" Katt shouted before the tourists could leave. The guide stopped and looked at her. "You mean, there's civilization nearby?"

"Why, of course! You're on Frappé Island, after all. This is just a small peninsula. The mainland is but a thirty-minute hike through that jungle. Now, if you'll excuse me…"

Each member of Star Fox remained completely still for a second. Except for Fay, whose shirt finally caught fire, prompting her to frantically blow on it.

"We're… we're saved!" Katt exclaimed, raising her fists triumphantly. "Let's get out of here!"

The two felines rushed to the bonfire and lifted Fay's stake to safety.

"Fay, I'm so sorry!" Miyu whimpered. "I was possessed by hunger! I'd never eat you in real life. Can you forgive me?"

Fay rubbed her wrists after they were untied. "Oh it's fine. Sometimes I fantasize about eating you to."

"What?"

"What?"

Now that Fay was free they set off walking in the opposite direction as the tourist group back towards where the mainland supposedly was.

…All except Fox.

"W-wait a minute! Don't you think we're being a bit hasty?"

They stopped and turned back to him.

"I-I mean, aren't you proud of how far we've come? Look how long we've survived on our own! No adults, no fast food, no social media, no internet—none of that! We built the greatest treehouse the world has ever seen! We've even constructed our own makeshift boat!"

Fox gestured to the watercraft, and everyone looked just in time to see it noisily collapse into a scrap heap.

The vulpine cringed when they looked back at him. "Uh, so what I'm saying is… we've come this far, so why not continue? We can accomplish so much more on our own, without society, without poisonous junk food or bossy teachers or controlling parents or toxic social media. Isn't this the life worth living? Doing things on our own, independently? I think we should stay here! So, whaddya say? Want to continue the life you have here with good ol' Fox in command? Or go crawling back to the modern commodities that make people soft and weak?"

Falco, Katt, Miyu, Fay, and Slippy all exchanged glances.

"Wanna grab a cheeseburger?" Miyu asked.

"Alright!"

"Hell yeah girl!"

As one they turned and headed off into the jungle.

"Wh-what?! You're leaving me?! Some teammates you are! Fine. I'll stay here myself. I'll show you! I'll show you all that Fox McCloud can make it on his own, without anyone! You hear me? Anyone!"

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A few hours passed. At first Fox tried repairing the cobbled-together motorboat, but without Slippy's help he had no idea what he was doing. Eventually he dropped the tools and returned in defeat to the treehouse. There he boarded himself up and sat in a corner, his head nestled on his knees.

He sat like that for quite some time. By now it was nighttime on the island. Aquas' moon hovered in the sky, bathing the shore in a cool blue light. The only other source of lighting were the tiki torches and the smoldering remains of the bonfire.

"Foooox?"

His ears perked up. It was Slippy's voice.

"Fox! Foxy boy, are ya still here?"

Falco's this time!

"You don't think he's… dead, do you?!"

"Oh don't be stupid, Fay. Maybe fainted from hunger or in a delirium, but not dead."

One of them knocked on the wood beneath the treehouse's lowest floor. "Hey, the stairs are retracted. That means someone's inside."

"Hey, Fox! Are you up there?!"

Weak from starvation, Fox pulled himself over to the railing and peeked over the side. Below him was the rest of his team, as well as the girls they'd invited. Everyone was already looking much better. They all wore new clothes purchased in town and stood with newfound energy. They were cleaned and washed up. Even Falco and Slippy's beards were gone (which admittedly didn't make any sense in the first place).

"What do you want?" Fox grumbled.

"We've come to take you back to town!" Falco shouted, cupping his wings over his mouth. "Come down from that stupid thing this instant!"

"Away with you, and all your temptations! You have eaten of the forbidden fruit of the fast food chain, and are no longer pure! Stay away, or you might infect me!"

"Fox, you sound like a conspiracy theorist," Katt said. "You'll starve if you don't come with us. Get down from there right now!"

"N-no!"

Katt pointed a threatening finger. "Don't make me come up there!"

"You can't make me!"

Slippy wheeled a wagon out from behind the group. "Fox, looked at everything we've brought you! There's a McTaco Hut in town." He stamped his foot. "F— that already exists! Uh, I mean, there's a Long John's Kentucky Fried Subway! Ugh, dammit again! Business co-location will be the death of restaurant parody names!"

"HNGRRRRR, no! I've chosen to eat natural! I eat nothing but tree bark and palm fronds now."

"But there's the internet, Fox!" Falco reached into the wagon and whipped out a cellphone. "A working internet connection! You can check social media again, stream videos and music… and porn! Porn, Fox!" He waved the phone temptingly.

"I have seen the light, Falco, and abstinence is the only way! You'll never tempt me away from this perfect society I've built, so just give it up! In fact, I once again extend my invitation to each one of you to join me in forsaking your unnatural industrial ways. Together we can make the ultimate utopia free from the twisted machinations of the machine!"

Katt rolled her eyes. "Fox we've literally been on this island two days and we've already tried eating Fay. Cannibalism is the most basic litmus test for a healthy civilized society. Come down from there before you gnaw your kneecaps off."

"Never! This treehouse is designed to be an impenetrable fort—you have no hopes… of…"

He trailed off when he noticed Falco and Slippy brandishing flaming tiki torches and wearing fed-up expressions.

"You-you wouldn't dare!"

There was a boom in the distance. The figures standing on the ground turned just in time to see a splash of water launch into the air, right in the middle of the lagoon. The spray reached even higher than the top level of the treehouse.

"What was that?!" Miyu asked.

Fox squinted his eyes and searched the horizon again. A looming black shadow was swiftly approaching their beach from the sea.

"You're not going to believe this," Fox began, "but it's a 16th century pirate ship!"

A second boom sounded, and a puff of smoke emitted from the front of the ship. The group's eyes narrowed then widened when they noticed a rounded black projectile hurtling their way.

"Take coveeeer!" Slippy shouted, and everyone scattered. The amphibian made a beeline for the outhouse and locked himself inside.

The cannonball struck the sand like a meteor and dug a trench all the way to the base of their treehouse.

"Fox, let us in, plea-he-hease!" Miyu begged, hammering on the underside of the retracted staircase.

"Ah, so now you finally give in!" Fox chose to spare the rest of his team and lowered the stairs. Before it was even down all the way each of his friends had raced past him and cowered beneath the railing.

They made it inside just as a third cannonball sailed through the air beneath the treehouse. It missed them by a tail's width but continued on to strike the outhouse. The small wooden structure sailed off its foundation and cartwheeled into the jungle, disappearing behind the foliage.

"Slipyyyy!" no one cried because no one cared in all the confusion.

When the volley of cannonballs stopped they felt safe enough to peek over the side again. They anxiously watched the ship approach.

The pirate vessel seemed shallow enough to glide straight into the lagoon. As it approached they were able to make out more details. Galleys were characterized by having low-ridding keels, small sails, and a good number of oars as their main source of propulsion. This specific ship was painted picket-fence white, with black masts, diagonal yardarms, and royal-blue triangular sails. Black oars with similar blue-colored paddles stuck out from either side, rowing perfectly in sync. Together they looked like the exposed ribs of a serpent. A white compass-shaped sun with a spiral in the center was embroidered on the mainsail, and white ruins spelled out the ship's name on the foreword hull: Kxo Sisimroh.

"Oh!" Falco snapped his fingers and whipped out his phone. After glancing back and forth between the ship's name and the screen he announced, "The ship's name is The Cucumber."

"Saurian translator?"

"Saurian translator! Boo-yah!"

Fox nodded in agreement while Katt fist-bumped Falco.

The boat pulled up alongside their beach, and an anchor dropped into the lagoon. The oars raised dripping wet from the water and made an X-shape over the main deck. Eventually the oarmen stood them straight up in two rows along either side of the boat. A gangplank plopped over the side of the ship, making a rudimentary landing bridge down which a landing party marched.

Fox and the rest of the team's jaws dropped. A veritable army of beefy, azure-furred Cerinian men descended the gangplank and made landfall. They formed ranks on the beach in front of the fort, ripped arms crossed in front of their chiseled chests. They were bare-chested, and only wore white shendyt kilts around their waists. Each Cerinian had a firm-set jaw and devilishly handsome features.

"I hope they're all lifeguards," Katt hungrily panted, "because I think I forgot how to swim."

"Oh I'm gonna be wet," Miyu said, wiping her brow.

Fay merely swooned beneath the railing, falling out of sight.

Falco shook his head while looking at the crew. "Damn I need to renew my gym pass."

But the beefiest hunk of all was next to descend the deck ramp. The sailor wore a more traditional black vest and… uh…

*googles poofy pants*

…harem pants? No that can't be right. Those soft baggy pants that sailors wear in pirate films? There must be another… Well, if you say so…

Um, he wore a more traditional black vest and… harem pants… in addition to golden epaulets. Everything from his garb to the way he swaggered down the gangplank set him apart from the other crew members. Stopping in front of the ranks of Cerinians he flashed a devilish smile up at the remaining girls.

Katt fainted instantly, joining Fay beneath the railing.

"This land is hereby claimed by that brilliant interstellar emissary, the graceful Princess of Cerinia, and ruthless Pirate Queen; Kaptain Kursed!"

A new figure stepped on top of the gangplank, proudly surveying the beach.

Fox felt disappointed. "Oh, I was expecting four differentBLEUGH-BBBBB, hummina-hummina!"

The hormonal young todd found himself reduced to little more than a blithering stack of jello. Though maybe it had just as much to do with his present state of starvation and paranoia as it did with the woman's beauty.

'Kaptain Kursed', as the first mate or whoever he was called her, was a young Cerinian vixen about Fox's age, but from her regalia and the way she carried herself she seemed leagues more mature. She had long back-length violet hair that spilled out from beneath a silver coronet in a wild tangle. Her primary garment was a flowing black cloak with collars so high and pointy they could skewer a taller man's eyeballs out of their sockets from two feet. The coat rested on her shoulders and was unbuttoned to reveal most of her bare chest and midriff while still covering the essentials. Finally, she wore what amounted to little more than a swimsuit bottom over her waist, ripped black stockings, and high-heeled boots which added an intimidating number of inches to her height.

Now Fox was drooling before I even got through half of that. And when I say drooling, I mean buckets. Like, the sea levels were rising. Aquas' global warming estimates had to be recalculated. And he got the stuff everywhere. He drooled all over his clothes and on the railing… some of it got on Katt and Fay who were still passed out on the deck… he spilled some of it over the side onto an unfortunate Cerinian standing at attention… some of it congealed into a new unclassified lifeform that managed to crawl its way into the sea where it reproduced asexually and… and you get the point.

The young todd could not wait to hear what sweet words came out of those lips.

"Quartermaster, I do not see Dildo Rock."

The Cerinian officer turned and bowed to Kaptain Kursed. "Your Majesty, I swear to you the rock is nearby. But first we must dispatch these natives who possess the land."

"I see…" the Cerinian curled the claws on one of her palms while staring down her nose at Fox—which wasn't an easy task given how high above her the treehouse stood. "Well let's get this over with. I have a legendary treasure to find."

Kursed strolled down the gangplank and onto a blue carpet of Cerinian males. They stretched themselves out end-to-end, forming a path to the base of the treehouse so their queen didn't have to dirty her boots.

When Kursed arrived at the base of the treehouse she drew a cutlass from a sheath on her belt and brandished it up at them.

"Listen swine! I am Pirate Kaptain Kursed, and I aim to—"

At the last second she managed to sidestep a bucket of Fox's drool. "Oh that was vile. Have ye no respect?!"

Katt managed to lift herself back above the railing. "Hey, hey Ms. Pirate Captain… Queen… person, I've got a question. How do you spell your name?"

Kursed was unfazed. "With K's, of kourse! How else would you spell it?"

Katt gave her a thumbs-up. "Finally, someone else who knows how to spell."

The captain opened her arms to the sky. "Exactly! K already makes the 'kah' sound, so why use C for both 'sss' and 'kah'? And they say we're strange for using phonetics that make sense."

"Hey, where'd you get that old-timey ship?" Falco asked, excitedly studying the vessel. "Boy I bet it's hundreds of years old! And why'd you pick a goofy name like the Cucumber?"

"The Cucumber?" Kursed exclaimed indignantly. "It's not kalled the Cucumber! Kan't you read, you scraggle-feathered knave?"

"B-but I plugged it into the Saurian translator and it said—"

Kursed violently swung with her sword. "Be warned you imbecile, you think this is normal white paint coating our ship? It's painted white from the ground bone marrow of the poor fools who thought they knew Cerinian but kould only use the Saurian translator! And it's lead-free! Never konflate our beautiful tongue with the brutish grunts of f—ing dinosaurs! 'Cucumber' my… her name is the Cerinity, and I'll see that you never forget it!"

She finished with an exasperated sigh and jabbed her sword upright in the sand. "In fact you'll remember it to the moment you die, which will kome much sooner than you expect! You don't stand a chance against the famous Pirate Queen and her army of Cerinian soldiers. You see pitiful mortals, I am no ordinary vixen. This strange planet we wandered onto has given me powers beyond komprehension! With the ability to effortlessly read the thoughts of anyone I please, no one stands a chance against me!"

Fox slapped his jaw shut, cutting off the waterworks. "Wait, really? You can read minds? Prove it woman!"

"I accept your challenge!" Kursed adopted a cocky grin. She assumed a swaggering pose, leaning on her sword with her fingers on her forehead. She closed her eyes and hummed. "Now, I shall reveal to all the shallow thoughts your simplest of minds has to off—"

The vixen nearly fell off her sword. The skin beneath her fur flushed red and her eyes stole fearful glances at Fox. She clutched her coat tighter around her chest and crossed her legs protectively.

"Oh! Oh my, I wasn't prepared for… oh dear, why's it so hot out here? It is not just me, is it?"

"My lady, what's wrong?" The quartermaster rushed to her side. "Did you finally encounter a psychic with a mind as strong as your own?"

"N-no! The scoundrel's thoughts were just vile beyond description! I kan't bother to defile my own mind with his vulgar lust!" She placed a hand protectively over her groin. "Shame on you, you lowly deck-swabber, for ever thinking you kould kommit such perverted acts with me!"

"Don't bother reading Fay's mind." Miyu gestured to the spaniel, who had pulled herself onto the railing. "It's as blank as the list of fashionable tiger-striped clothing articles."

The vixen stomped her foot. "Ugh! Quit interrupting! I kan see through your little ploy to postpone your inevitable slaughter, but it won't work. Quartermaster, put a bullet through the mouth of the next idiot that speaks! My first mate is a deadeye marksman who kan shoot a bubonic flea off a rat's flank from a hundred paces. You will be sorry to kross me aga—"

Fox cleaned an ear out. "Wait, did you say mate?"

The quartermaster sighed, loaded his pistol, and aimed it up at Fox.

"Wait!" Kursed interceded on his behalf. "What do you mean?"

Fox's shoulders slumped. "Oh, I'm just disappointed to hear that you already have, well… a mate." Then thinking on it some more, his face brightened up. "Wait, did you say first mate? As in you ditched this guy for another? And you have a whole slew of mates you go through like a high school girl goes through Nicholas Sparks novels? And I could be one of them?!"

Katt pursed her lips. "Sorry Fox, I doubt Nicholas Sparks would ever write a novel about—"

"It is a long story," the quartermaster began. "I mean about how we got here, not the Queen and I having an affair, which we haven't. I'm her first mate as in the ship's first mate. Gods and goddesses, you'd think you've never sailed on a ship before!"

"I have a confession. Sometimes I pretend to be stupider than I really am to make jokes."

"Well sit down, young fox—"

"Wow, you knew my name!"

"—for this will be a long and arduous story. Especially if you interrupt every two seconds like that."

"Grrr!" Kursed snapped her fingers, and several of the nearby Cerinians formed a living chair. She sat down and crossed her legs. "Fine. We might as well fill them in on who we are and what is happening across Aquas before flaying them alive. But make it fast!"

The quartermaster bowed while Kursed took out a file and began sharpening her claws. "It started about a month ago on our home planet, Cerinia. Kursed was the daughter of a Cerinian noble, back when she was still named Krystal."

"Also spelled with a K?" Katt risked.

"Yes, spelled with a K. As I was saying, we, her soldiers, were out on a hunting trip with the Princess when suddenly a portal opened and swallowed us whole. We found ourselves stranded on an island with no one else in sight. But the Princess took charge and guaranteed our survival. We built a mighty warship—the Cerinity, which you see before you—and sailed between the islands. After pillaging numerous seaside villages and capturing a number of shipping vessels, we tortured the individuals into telling us where we were and what was going on. Beings from other planets and star systems have stumbled into similar portals leading to Aquas like ourselves. Something called a fake 'shell corporation' has been luring people from your own star system to this hell-hole of an ocean planet. They posed as a travel agency and promised a vacation paradise to unwitting victims around this system. Little did they know they were donating themselves as test subjects! Test subjects for chemical evolutionary manipulation on a mass scale."

"Mass… evolution?" Katt repeated. "That's impossible!"

A foghorn interrupted their conversation. In the distance was a monstrous-sized barge that slowly made its way across the waves. It stopped in front of the island long enough to upend a number of vats over its side, spilling sickly colored liquids into the ocean that steamed and bubbled.

Growing impatient, Kursed continued on her own. "The more you eat of the island's fruit or drink from the springs, the more you will mutate. Across our voyages we have seen Lylatian monsters twisted beyond recognition after being marooned down here for months."

The quartermaster stepped between Fox and Kursed. "We are trying to escape this water-logged planet and return to our own, but unfortunately Aquas has been isolated. It seems we are trapped down here for the foreseeable future. That is, we would be…"

"…If not for the legendary treasure," Kursed finished, her mouth twisting in a wicked smile.

"A… treasure?" Fox asked.

"Yes. Old sailors' songs tell of a mystical treasure hidden somewhere on this planet. It is said to be so powerful it kan open gates to anywhere across the universe, much like the one we ourselves fell into. But, only the most ruthless pirate king—or queen—kan ever hope to find it. That is why we are sailing the Aquas world ocean; to find that treasure before anyone else kan, and escape!"

Kursed lifted her sword from the sand and aimed the pointy end at Fox. "Now, relinquish your fort and surrender! We will torture you for information before feeding your mangled corpses to the shark tornados."

Fox crossed his arms. "You can torture me any day babe, but unfortunately I'll have to decline. I have my teammates to think about. If they came all the way back here to save me from starvation and loneliness, I can't very well abandon them either in their time of need. No, we have to stick together! Listening to you talk has cemented into my head exactly what to do. We will become the most ruthless, the most blood-craven, the most sea-worthy band of pirates to sail the Aquas World Ocean! And we will put you and your blue pretty boys to shame! The race is on, Kursed. I'll make sure we steal the treasure first!"

"You tell her Fox!" Falco slapped him on the back while the girls cheered.

Kursed descended her throne of brawny Cerinians and planted her feet. "Then you leave me no other choice. Alright lads, attack!"

The ranks of Cerinians drew curved scimitars and flintlock pistols before rushing towards the base of the treehouse.

"Hey-hey! Great speech and all, Fox," Katt said as she shook his hand. "But now what are we going to do?!"

"Well I don't know about you Katt, but I think if we climbed high enough and threw ourselves off the tree we might be able to paralyze our nervous systems so we don't feel pain, thus escaping torture. Now who's with me?!"

Suddenly a chorus of blood-curdling screams rose from the Cerinians below them.

"What in the world…"

One of the sailors threw himself at Kursed's feet. "My Queen, there's a foul demon creature coming from the jungle! We've never seen anything like it before!"

"It's probably nothing. Have the men stand firm!"

The Star Fox crew ran over to the side of the deck and looked down. A familiar monster was oozing its way across the ground towards the Cerinians, dripping bilge and brown-colored muck.

"It-it-it's the creature from the black lagooooon!" another of the Cerinians screamed.

The men ran past Kursed in a blind terror.

"Wh-where are you all going? Hold your ground! Reform your ranks! You kowards!"

Fay giggled from atop their fort. "Haha, aw don't worry, that's just Slippy again. He's covered in goop from the outhouse."

"Your… outhouse?" Kursed looked back to Slippy, who continued to stumble his way towards her. "Gods and goddesses, he's kovered in s—t!" She turned tail and raced across the carpet of Cerinians back towards the Cerinity.

This time the Star Fox team cheered Slippy on, shouting words of encouragement as he rolled his way down the beachhead. By the time Kursed climbed aboard her ship it was already leaving the shore—as well as several desperate Cerinians—behind. They sat down on their rowing benches and tried to position their oars, but could never manage to row in sync with one another, leaving the deck a jumbled mess of paddles.

"We'll be back!" Kursed screeched, shaking her fist at the occupants in the treehouse. "No one thinks degenerate thoughts about me and gets away with it! You kan have your stupid Dildo Rock!"

She stuck her nose in the air and turned her back on Fox. Then, growing curious, she turned her head a little and searched his mind again.

"Unh…"

Her knees grew wobbly and she collapsed on the deck.

Falco's eyes widened. He turned to Katt. "So that's why you took so long coming back from searching the west coast!"

Katt's face flushed beneath her fur. "I-I don't know what you're talking about!"

"And that's also why you never circled the island to meet with Miyu and Fay! If you'd kept going you would've discovered the neck of the peninsula and the way to the mainland! But noooo, you had to stop for a ride on—"

Katt clamped her paws over Falco's beak, locking it shut.

Once the Cerinity sailed out of the lagoon and into the distance Slippy turned back to approach the fort.

"Well guys, I did it! I saved us! Boy I sure scared those blue-furred—"

"Ew!"

"Gross!"

"Stay away!" everyone shouted down at Slippy.

"But I literally just—"

They began to hurl coconuts and building materials down at the poor amphibian.

"Don't come any closer!"

"Stay away from this tree!"

"Slippy, as self-appointed captain of this crew, I order you to take a bath!"

The disheartening comments and projectiles continued to fly at Slippy until he had once again retreated back into the ocean.

Miyu clapped Fox on the shoulder. "Well Fox, you did it! You took charge and fended off both a telepath and an army of strongmen! I for one am proud to be a part of your crew."

"Thanks, Miyu! I promise you all that we will find that treasure before anyone else! Now, please get me something to eat before I start gnawing on your thigh."

"N-now Fox, don't come anywhere near—AAH leggo!"

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A/N: This marks the first installment of my new episodic comedy series. In a way it's the spiritual successor to Misadventures, as it continues with the same setup for Star Fox and the same characterization of the team, but will be more formally organized and keep the same through-line. I intend for it to have more continuity this time around, as well as a developing plot. I'm slowly planning out a much larger story, but that's gonna take a lot of time until I'm ready to start publishing or even start writing it. In the meantime I'll add a new episode to this every once in awhile.

That's all for the first episode. Leave a review and tell me what you think, even if it's just pointing out a joke you like; I love knowing that someone out there is laughing or at least cares enough to tell me when something makes them absolutely barf.

-Elarix