"Freddie" I say, tears beginning to flood into my eyes. I didn't think he was going to come. "Celia I…" he pauses cautiously edging closer "I'm sorry." it's so quite I can barley hear it. He looks like he's in pain, suddenly my blood goes hot and I fill with anger. This is his fault. "You're sorry" I shout. "YOU'RE SORRY" my emotions are getting the better of me. The nurses start to do worried glances into the room "Look at me, you knew I didn't know what I was doing, you knew." The words are spluttering out of my mouth so fast I can't control them. My thoughts just spill out. "I'm a mess, I could have died, was this some kind of sick plan? Did you want me dead? Why didn't you jump? Why didn't you tell anyone? You left me there to die you heartless freak." This is the first time I have been allowed to speak my mind since the accident and it almost feels good taking all my rage out on Freddie. "I'm sorry" Freddie utters again. "IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY… I'M FUCKING SORRY" I want to scratch his eyes out but I can't. One of the nurses finally enters the room; it's the Australian one with the big eyes. "Are you ok honey? Do you want him to leave?" She says her voice laced with calm. "No" I answer; I breathe letting my rage slowly sink out of my body. I turn to look at Freddie; a horrified expression still lurks on his face. "Have you talked to the police yet?" he says softly, it's the first words out of his mouth that aren't I'm sorry and I suddenly understand why he came.
Freddie is not here because he cares about me. Freddie is here because he does not want the police to know that he gave me illegal substances and that he witnessed what happened to me. He doesn't want the police to add another reason to the list of reasons that they have for locking him up. "I haven't talked to the police yet" I say, staring him in the eyes. He takes a small sigh of relief "Listen Celia, you can't tell them that I was there, you can't tell them I was involved." He looks desperate. "Why shouldn't I tell them after what you've done?" I ask, even though I already know the answer. Freddie's tone changes "What I've done… it was you who jumped- I didn't push you." He sounds bitter. My rage begins to come back. "I didn't know what I was doing- you knew that was my first time on drugs I could see it. You knew that I would follow you like a headless puppy." Guilt fills his eyse as I know he realizes what I just said is true. "What can I do to make it up to you?"
He sits down on my mattress and I wince as the movement hits my battered body. I don't know what I want from him. "Tell me why I shouldn't tell the police." I say keeping my voice low to avoid being over heard by nurses. He pauses and looks at the ceiling uncomfortably "I'm in love with a girl" he mumbles softly. As much as I hate him right now my heart still feels crushed, I should have known that no boy like Freddie Mclair would go after a girl like me. He continues "I hope you'll understand, but I love her and there's no way I can be without her. Please don't give her a reason to leave me." I don't think that he's ever admitted that he loves her before because he seems uncomfortable and his words stumble out awkwardly. "Who is she?" I ask. "Effy Stonem." He says making eye contact with me and not the ceiling for the first time in awhile. I can tell he's telling the truth.
I should have known. Effy was the silent but deadly boy hoarding goddess of our year. She was stunning; I didn't blame Freddie for falling for her and not me. It only made to much sense- she was the reason he didn't jump, I wasn't the person he wanted to fall for. I absorb this as Freddie goes and sits down on the other side of the room. We sit in silence for a good ten minutes while I think things over and then as if on cue a smarty dresses police women shows up at the door. I'm still torn.