I wake, and for a moment I can't remember where I am. I see only the words "Fear God Alone" painted on a white wall, and all the memories come flooding back to me. I am in Tobias's apartment. As I roll onto my side, I feel his arm around my waist, hear him snoring gently. I press my back into his chest and hope the warmth from his body will fill the icy hole that seems to be eating away at my insides. Lynn's face pops into my mind again, and even though I promised myself I wouldn't, I push it away. I'm tired of crying.
Tobias stirs and grips me a bit tighter as he awakens.
"Hey," he says sleepily. His breath tickles my ear and sends a shiver down my spine, despite my current mood.
"Hey," I say back.
He sits up, and must be able to read my feelings on my face, because he doesn't ask me how I am. He simply says, "Let's go to dinner."
"Dinner?"
"It's almost five o'clock," he says.
As we walk across the Pit floor, I notice that Dauntless headquarters is considerably more crowded than it was the night before.
"More people came back," I say.
"They probably didn't want to be called cowards," he says. I can't blame them. It's about the worst thing a Dauntless person can be.
Just before we enter the dining hall, Christina appears and hugs me. I don't even stiffen at her touch anymore. She takes my hand and leads us to our normal table. Zeke and Uriah sit there already, their plates of food untouched.
"Where were you last night?" Christina says, looking at me gently. "I was worried when you didn't come back to the dormitory."
"I didn't…" I begin. I was going to say that I didn't want to be alone, but I know she and Uriah were both there and that I wouldn't have been alone.
"I needed to talk to her, and she fell asleep in my apartment," Tobias says, rescuing me. I glance up at him, thanking him silently with my eyes. Honestly, Tobias and I fell asleep the moment we returned from the net a few hours after dawn, but the others don't need to know that. Christina seems to have other ideas about my being in Tobias's apartment, but she doesn't say anything.
I notice that Zeke and Uriah both nurse dark bottles, from which they take frequent sips.
"I'm out again," Uriah says as he stands unsteadily. "I'll be right back."
"Uri, don't," Christina says. "You've had four already. Please don't."
"Oh, let him go," Zeke says, slurring his words. "If he passes out, he'll feel better."
"Just one more," Uriah promises, then stumbles off toward the beverages window near the kitchen.
"He can't stop drinking," Christina says to us.
"Can you blame him?" Zeke says. "He lost his girlfriend, his best friend, and who knows how many others in the past few weeks. His life has gone to shit. I know how he feels." He glances a few tables away, where Shauna, Lynn, and Hector usually eat. The table is empty.
"How's Shauna?" I ask.
"She still can't feel her legs. The doctors don't think the feeling will come back, but she's trying. Or, she was, until Lynn…" Zeke trails off, taking another swallow. "She won't leave her parents' apartment."
I don't know what else to say, so I just stay silent.
Uriah returns with two brown bottles, and sets one in front of Tobias.
"Thanks," Tobias says, twisting off the top and taking a long gulp.
"I would have brought something for you two," Uriah says, gesturing to Christina and me, "but I know it would have gone to waste."
"Honestly, I think I could actually use one right now," Christina says. "Tris?"
"I'll share yours, if you don't mind," I say. I could use to feel the warmth the bitter alcohol offers. Maybe that will fill the hole in my stomach.
After sharing several bottles with Christina, my head begins to swim. Tobias decides to take us to an unused apartment to sleep off the inebriation.
"This floor was meant for you all after initiation was finished," he says as we climb into the elevator in the Pire, and he punches the button for the 8th floor. The motion of the elevator combined with the amount of alcohol I have consumed without eating make me feel suddenly awful.
I follow Tobias down a hallway and into an apartment with the number 806 on the door, with Christina on my tail. I don't even stop before heading straight to the bathroom where I become so violently sick that I wonder if it's possible to actually turn myself inside out.
Christina seems to be feeling better than I am, because I don't have any company in the bathroom. When I can finally breathe again, minutes or hours later, I lean over and turn on the shower, but when I try to stand, my legs buckle beneath me. A bullet wound, countless bruises, and severe emotional trauma couldn't keep me off my feet, but a few bottles of that dark amber liquid can.
"Tobias," I call, hoping he hasn't left. "Tobias!"
He bursts into the room like he expects to see me dying on the floor. Instead, he smiles when he sees me.
"Stop it," I say. "I feel horrible. Don't laugh at me."
"I'm not," he says. "But I've been there. Drinking when you're sad can do that. And you haven't eaten anything."
"How's Christina," I ask. "Is she sick too?"
"She lost what little bit of food she ate into the garbage can around an hour ago," Tobias says, smirking. "She's asleep on the couch now."
For some reason, I feel strangely better knowing that I'm not the only one who got sick.
"Can you help me?" I ask, gesturing toward the shower.
Tobias looks confused. "What do you mean?" he asks.
"I can't stand up, but I want to take a shower."
This time he laughs out loud. "I don't think that's exactly a good idea. How about this?" He reaches into a drawer in the vanity and pulls out a washcloth. He runs it under the shower, wetting it, and then kneels in front of me. He gently wipes the sweat and sick from my face with the warm towel, then turns off the shower.
"How's that for now?" he asks. "You can take a shower once you've had some sleep."
"Okay," I say, beginning to feel dizzy again. "My head hurts."
Tobias is clearly having a hard time not laughing every time my mouth opens, but he keeps himself together as he goes to the kitchen and returns with a bottle of aspirin and a large glass of water. I take two of the pills and sip from the glass, since he threatens to take it away if I drink too quickly.
"Come on," he says. "Let's get you into bed."
"But I'm not tired," I complain as he lifts me as easily as if I were a child. "And I don't even know who lives here."
"You do," he says as he carries me into the hallway. "You and Christina were meant to be roommates, so this place is hers too."
We walk into a bedroom with white walls, white curtains over windows that overlook the swamp, and a white bedspread. I can't believe any place in Dauntless headquarters has this much white, I think. Tobias gently places me on the cool comforter, and I am asleep before my head hits the pillow.