A/N: Hey guys! I have to admit, I was overwhelmed by the response that the first chapter got! The fact that so many of you took took the time to read this and give me your thoughts and opinions really means the world to me. Every new comment made me smile, so thank you all for that. I'm also glad to see that some of you guys are still with me. I know I said that I was only going to update when I wrote a new chapter, but I thought you guys should get a reward for the awesome response so far. This next chapter deals with Emily and where she has been. I hope you guys like it. Again, thank you for taking the time to read this! See you at the bottom!
"Emily, how are you feeling today?"
Emily sat in the black leather chair and looked across at the doctor in front of her. In the eight months that she had known him, she had gone from absolutely hating him to completely admiring him. He had helped her through so much. He had pushed her to confront things that she never wanted to confront. Things she didn't even know she needed to confront. At first, she was extremely closed off to the whole process, the anger she felt within her soul consuming her. When she first started her one-on-one sessions, she did everything in her power to not trust in the process and let it work.
The tick, tock, tick, tock of the wall mounted clock was slowly driving her insane. That was the only sound in the room. She sat across from the doctor, with his pen and pad, waiting for her to begin the session. But Emily didn't want to talk. She didn't want to be here, but her life had spiraled so out of control that she didn't know what else to do. She had held so much anger and resentment towards Alison that it had all spilled over and now her life was a complete mess. And she blamed it all on Alison. Alison was the one who hadn't appreciated everything that Emily did for her and Jessica. Alison was the one who laid in bed all day while Emily cared for Jessica, cooked and took care of the house. Alison was the one who completely shut herself off to the brunette. It was Alison's fault that Emily had to make the gut wrenching decision to take her mother off of life support. Emily wasn't ready to make that decision, but she felt forced into it. All because Alison couldn't take care of herself, let alone an infant.
Emily felt hot, angry tears welling up in her eyes, but she turned her head so the doctor couldn't see. She just wanted a drink at that moment to dull the pain. She wanted to feel the burning of the liquor hit the back of her throat and fill her with warmth. She was so angry that she felt like she couldn't grieve for her mother, because she needed to be strong for Jessica, and for Alison. She felt like the world would crumble along with her if she did. So she pushed everything down inside, until one night about a month later, she found herself sitting at a bar, drinking three fingers of scotch and feeling the amber liquid warm the coldness that she had been feeling within her soul. She just wanted to feel that warmth again. But no, because of Alison, she was sitting here, in this squeaky leather chair in a stuffy office staring across from some man she didn't even know and was supposed to be talking about her "feelings". She laughed to herself, thinking back to all those months ago on that bus ride when she and Alison had their first night together. She remembered how Alison had made her feel alive again. Now all she wanted to do was not feel. Fuck all of this, I need a fucking drink, Emily thought in her head as she watched the clock for their hour to be up.
But in only a few short weeks, he had helped her dispel that anger. He had helped her to let go of the things in the past that were weighing on Emily's soul. He made her see that she had been bottling up her feelings for much longer than she had even realized. He made her see that she was displacing all of her anger onto Alison, the woman that she loved more than anything in the world. He made her see that what the blonde was going through wasn't Alison's fault. He explained to Emily that women who have a history of depression and anxiety are much more likely to suffer from Post-partum Depression.
"But Alison doesn't have a history of depression…" Emily looked at the doctor, confused because she had never known Alison to be truly depressed before. She had seen her feel bad for her past and get upset for how much she hurt Emily and everyone else in her past. She had seen her in a state of shock after the accident when they had found out Elliott had purposely caused it. But Emily had never seen her like she had in the months following her giving birth.
"From everything you've told me about her, I beg to differ. I believe she has a long history of depression, along with an anxiety disorder." Dr. Leonard uncrossed his legs and placed his pen and pad down on the table next to his chair. He leaned forward slightly and stared straight into Emily's eyes. "That night of your first date in Philly? That was a panic attack, triggered by the anxiety of her feeling like she wasn't good enough for you. That time when she went silent for two days following the accident? That was a bout of deep depression brought on by the fact that she thought you were in danger by her being in your life. She loved you so much, that she would have much rather have lived without you to make sure you were safe. That thought of losing you was too much for her. Outside of that courthouse, when she told you that she felt like she was drowning in quick sand? That's very common for people who have anxiety. They feel like they can't breathe if they struggle too much, so they attempt to shut off and shut down, as a defense mechanism."
Dr. Leonard leaned back in his chair and let his words sink into Emily's head. The brunette sat there, letting the words slowly wash over her. Suddenly, she felt nothing but pain and regret deep within her soul. "What have I done?" she asked, more so to herself than the doctor. She felt her eyes well up with tears at the hell that she caused Alison, at all the anger she had been spitting at her, and all the blame she placed on the blonde regarding Pam. "She's never going to forgive me." Emily covered her face with her hands and sobbed into them. By the time she was finally done crying, their session was up and Emily left there feeling worse than when she came in. She went back to her room and cried more tears than she ever thought possible. The thought of losing Alison and her daughter caused her unbelievable pain. She eventually cried herself to sleep, but when she woke up, she felt just a tiny bit lighter. She vowed from that day forward to do anything in her power to earn Alison's forgiveness and gain the blonde's trust once again.
"Honestly, I'm feeling nervous today." Emily was playing with her fingers, wringing them and pulling on them, which was a nervous habit she picked up while she had been here the past few months.
"I can imagine you would be. It can be hard to readjust to life outside of here. In here, you're in a bubble, those things that trigger you aren't thrown in your face all the time." Dr. Leonard leaned back in his seat, waiting for Emily to continue. When she sat there in silence, he leaned forward, the leather squeaking as he shifted his weight in his chair. "Have you talked to Alison? Does she know that you're leaving here?"
Emily looked down at her hands fidgeting in her lap. "No."
"Why not?" Dr. Leonard asked, trying to make his tone sound curious, but Emily knew that he already knew the answer to his own question. They had been through this numerous times during their countless sessions.
"I don't know what to say to her." It was true. As much as Emily wanted to talk to Alison and earn her forgiveness, she didn't know where to start. She was so overcome by guilt each time that she thought about Alison that she felt her chest start to constrict and the air wherever she was always seemed to shoot to 100 degrees.
"We've rehearsed this, Emily. We've been through all the scenarios that she could give you and how you are going to handle each one."
Emily continued to stare at her hands and her voice came out timid. "But what if I'm not strong enough? What if she doesn't forgive me and won't let me see Jessica? I don't know if I'll be able to stop myself from walking straight to the first bar I see and drinking myself into oblivion."
Dr. Leonard reached forward and placed a reassuring hand on Emily's knee. "Then you call me. Day or night." Emily gave him a halfhearted smile. Dr. Leonard decided to change the subject off of Alison. "Do you know where you are going to be staying when you get back to Rosewood?"
"Yeah, one of my best friends, Hanna, she said that I can stay with her for a little while until I can get on my feet. She'll kick my ass if I step out of line. I'm sure she'll probably kick my ass anyway for the things I did before I left." Emily thought back to the last time she saw Hanna and she shuddered. She wasn't sure exactly why Hanna was allowing her to stay with her and Caleb, but she knew that she would be forever grateful to her blonde best friend. She also knew that Hanna would definitely keep her in line.
"Emily, listen to me." Dr. Leonard paused until Emily finally made eye contact with him. "You need to forgive yourself for what you did. Just like you forgave Alison once you realized that her behavior wasn't under her own control. You need to realize that addiction is a disease, meaning we can't control it. We can control it by staying away from it, but once it's in our systems, it makes us do things that we don't have control over. The Emily that is sitting here in front of me, the healthy Emily, would have never acted that way at her daughter's birthday party. If you can't find a way to move past that and forgive yourself, I'm afraid you're going to end up right back here. And as much as I've loved seeing you grow these past eight months, you were a real pain in the ass when you first got here." Dr. Leonard smiled a crooked smile at Emily as she just laughed at her behavior when she first got to the treatment facility. "I don't want to deal with that Emily again."
"Yeah, I don't want to be that Emily again, either." Emily smiled an appreciative smile at Dr. Leonard. He really had grown on her so much that she even considered him to be a friend, now. I guess seeing someone almost every day for eight months will have that effect on you, Emily chuckled to herself. She really was going to miss him when she finally went home, but she was ready to get back to her life. She missed Jessica more than she ever thought possible. All those things that she had promised Alison that she would be there for, she had missed. She had definitely missed her first steps, and probably even her first words. She missed out on sharing the joy of those moments with Alison. She missed out on helping Alison through the sleepless nights of teething and fevers and the messes of teaching Jessica how to feed herself. She didn't want to miss out on anything else, with either of them. She hoped that Alison would be able to one day forgive her for everything, at least enough to allow her to be back in Jessica's life. But Dr. Leonard was right, she needed to forgive herself before she could expect Alison to forgive her.
~XXXXX~
Emily was in her room, packing all of her belongings she had accumulated over the past eight months, although it wasn't a lot. After she packed the rest of her clothes, she went to the bathroom and collected her toiletries before packing them in their spot. As she walked past her nightstand, a picture frame caught her eye. After setting down her toiletry bag, she sat on the edge of the bed and took the frame in her hands. It was a picture of her and Alison from when they first started dating. Alison looked so full of life and they were so in love. The smile on Alison's face made Emily's heart melt every time she saw it. When she first arrived at the treatment facility in California, she had been so mad about everything that she didn't even bother bringing any photos of Alison or of Jessica. That was a decision that Emily soon began to regret after only a few short days of her stay. Thankfully, she had photos on her phone that she would scroll through daily. One day, after one of her breakthrough sessions with Dr. Leonard, she was allowed to go to the local drug store and print out copies of some of the photos from her phone. She printed out one of Jessica's baby photos, along with their "first official family photo" from the courthouse the day they adopted Jessica. To the unknowing eye, they looked like a happy family, but Emily could see the void behind Alison's eyes. She wanted another picture to remember Alison by, so she printed out this one, taken on a crisp fall day while walking through the woods. They had such an amazing time that day, just laughing and talking while enjoying each other's company. Emily lightly brushed her fingers over Alison's face and smiled, tears collecting in her eyes. "I love you, Ali," Emily whispered before bringing the photo up to her lips. She let her tears fall, something that she had been learning to do with the help of Dr. Leonard, until the bitterness had subsided and she was left feeling hopeful that one day, her and Alison could get back to that. She gently tucked the frame in between her clothes so it wouldn't break in the flight and zipped up her suitcase.
She wheeled her suitcase out into the common living area and began to say her goodbyes to the other residents of the facility. She had seen quite a few come and go since she had been there, and now was excited, yet nervous, that her time had come to finally spread her wings on her own and take what she learned here and put it to use in the real world. Finally, she stopped in front of Dr. Leonard. She gave him a watery smile and wrapped her arms around his waist. He quickly embraced her back, cradling the back of her head with one hand and running his other hand up and down her back, much like a father would do to his daughter. In that moment, she thought of her father, Wayne and how much she missed him. But because of the man holding her right now, she could look back on the good memories they had shared as a family and smile. "Take care, Emily. Remember, I'm only a phone call away."
Emily pulled out of his embrace and took a step back. "Thank you, so much for everything, doc."
Dr. Leonard put both his hands on Emily's shoulders. "I'm proud of you, kiddo. And your family is, too."
Emily nodded, unable to form words past the lump that had formed in the back of her throat. She took one more look at the doctor and her temporary home before turning on her heel and walking down the drive to the cab awaiting her at the curb. She placed her suitcase in the trunk and climbed in the taxi, headed to the airport to get back on a plane headed to Rosewood, Pennsylvania. Emily didn't know what to expect when she got there. She didn't even know if Alison had even moved on or not. She hoped that she didn't and would have waited, but Emily wouldn't have blamed her if she didn't wait. It's not like the blonde had heard anything from Emily for the past eight months. Suddenly, Emily felt extremely nauseous. The thought of Alison moving on with somebody else had never come up in her sessions with Dr. Leonard. Emily closed her eyes and tried to breathe through her anxiety while Dr. Leonard's voice spoke softly in the back of her head, "She's waiting for you, Emily." A sense of calm washed over her as they pulled up to the airport terminal. She paid the driver and grabbed her luggage from the trunk. She still didn't know what she was going to do once she got back to Rosewood, but she knew that she needed to see Alison and fight as hard as she could for her family.
A/N 2: Ok, please don't hate me! The next few chapters will give you insight into what happened in the months following the adoption party until Jessica's 1st birthday. That's about 8 months of stuff to cover while also dealing with Emily and Alison once again being in the same city together and Emily having to be back in the "real world" around her triggers. I will warn you guys there will be talk of substance abuse and mental health in this book. Please, let me know what you guys think. Have a great day guys!