The Lobster Files: Chapter the Second
Snape sat on his bed, flipping through the photographs. Without warning, Lucius Malfoy flopped onto the bed, scattering the photos. Snape hastened to hide the pictures, but it was for naught--Lucius grabbed one quickly.
Lucius gazed at the photos. He was at a loss for words. Finally he asked, "Is that MY bed?"
Snape blushed. "It was laundry day...I didn't have any sheets."
"What the hell happened?" Malfoy asked, "Or should I ask, how much liquor was there?"
Snape smiled mischievously. "Ever heard of filhenkelo?"
"No," Malfoy shifted uncomfortably, putting aside one rather revealing photo, "what the hell is filhenkelo?"
"Magic Weed," replied Snape fondly.
"Got anymore?" inquired Malfoy.
Snape sighed, recalling last night. "We used it all."
Flashback:
The margarita glasses went clinky-clink. James tossed back his salty beverage. The hooded man sipped his slowly.
"Just like the ocean," said James with a smile.
"I like to swish it around my mouth and pretend it is the angry tides in the ocean," commented the Hoodling.
"What's your favorite sea creature?" asked James, "I like the Chicken of the sea!"
"I favor the mighty lobster,"' said the hoodling. "The lobster!"
"I once ate a lobster," said James. "It was messy."
"I was once almost castrated by a lobster," confided the Hoodling. "That was also messy.
James nodded solemnly, "I completely understand."
The hoodling looked around the bar. "Let's leave," said the Hoodling.
"Okay. Wanna go to the moon?" quipped James. The hoodling smiled beneath his hood.
"I'll want to show you something, Intoxicated One. Come back to my "pad" and I will show you something better then the moon."
"I like the moon," commented James. "I like it so much better than a spoon...but you can't use the moon to eat soup."
"No, you have to use a spoon for that," confirmed the Hoodling. "Or chopsticks if there are lots of vegetables."
Meanwhile in the basement;
Peter rolled himself into a ball. They had found out his secret. Lily gently prodded him, "Let's go back to the common room. Come on, it's alright..."
Peter screamed, "Don't TOUCH ME! AHH!" he began chant, Circle, circle, dot, dot."
"Peter, it wasn't a secret! EVERYONE knew!" screamed Lily. After a moment of trying to convince Peter that his reputation hasn't been ruined forever, she stood up.
"Whatever. I'm going to go upstairs and leave you in the dark...where the evil wombats can get you."
"W-wombat!" Peter whispered. He had to weigh the opinions carefully. Women or Wombats. Women or Wombats. He feared Wombats more then he feared women... He scrambled to his feet and followed Lily out of the basement.
"I'm glad you came to your sense," said Lily in a friendly manner, holding out her hands. "Those wombats are ferocious."
Peter said nothing, but glared at her offending hand. She pulled it away from him and opened the door to the basement.
"Hey Lily," asked Peter suddenly. "Why did you come into the dungeon?"
Meanwhile in the boys dorm:
"Where IS James?" asked Sirius,
"He's probably at the bar, chatting up some young thing and boozing away," said Remus dryly. "You know. Like he does every night."
"This is true," replied Sirius. "But normally he's returned by now."
"Maybe he got picked up," Remus stated.
Sirius giggled, "In that case- maybe more gay sex is in order!" At that very moment the door to the boys dorm burst open.
Lily threw Peter in. Peter was mumbling about wombats and women.
There was a moment of silence. "So, does he come with instructions?" asked Sirius as he gazed at the muttering Peter on the floor. "What do we do with him?"
"Remus!" panted Peter from the floor. "I've...cough... been...cough...infected.I need the...cough
"What does he mean?" thundered Sirius. "What did you do with him?" end
"What did I do to him?" Lily thundered in outrage.
"Why does everyone always blame me!"
"Because you're a skanky whore," replied Sirius.
"This is true," said Lily firmly. "But I'm an expensive whore."
"I need," Peter coughed, "Please Remus! Need the cootie shot!"
"I'll get right on it," he said hastily. He looked pleadingly at Lily's hurt expression. "Darling, I'm sorry. He's deranged"
"Circle, circle dot dot, now you have the cootie shot. Circle, circle square, square, now you have it everywhere," chanted Remus as he fondled Peter's skin making the said designs.
Peter breathed deeply, "Thank God! I was beginning to feel itchy all over."
Meanwhile outside the three broomsticks:
James stumbled. "Whoa! Those salty oceany... things are making me see... lobsters..." James slurred. The hoodling smiled fondly.
"Lobsters," he repeated. The hoodling shook his head and pulled out of his cloak a pipe.
"Oh!" James shrieked in glee, "Let's smoke 'em peace pipe!"
"We gotta be careful," warned Hoody. "This is some strong shit. They smoke this shit in.Vietnam."
"Wow," said James in awe. "Gimme." He grabbed the pipe and he took a mighty whack. "That's some good stuff!" he wheezed."
"Come on," said Hoody, tugging on James' arm. "Let's apparate back to my swinging pad."
Meanwhile at the Zoo:
Dumbledore pulled a monkey animal cracker out of the box. He giggled. Then he pulled out a hippo cracker. "L'hippo a pique' ses pantalons." Dumbledore giggled.
Dumbledore giggled again because he did not know how to speak French.
(Authors' Note: Hi, Lindsey again. This chapter was written over instant messages, we were rather bored and it was too cold to actually get up and walk across the street to each others casa. We are rather lazy. Anyway, hope you enjoy this chappie. Um. blah.)
READ AND REVIEW YOU FOOL! CLICK THE LITTLE BUTTON TO THE LEFT!
Snape sat on his bed, flipping through the photographs. Without warning, Lucius Malfoy flopped onto the bed, scattering the photos. Snape hastened to hide the pictures, but it was for naught--Lucius grabbed one quickly.
Lucius gazed at the photos. He was at a loss for words. Finally he asked, "Is that MY bed?"
Snape blushed. "It was laundry day...I didn't have any sheets."
"What the hell happened?" Malfoy asked, "Or should I ask, how much liquor was there?"
Snape smiled mischievously. "Ever heard of filhenkelo?"
"No," Malfoy shifted uncomfortably, putting aside one rather revealing photo, "what the hell is filhenkelo?"
"Magic Weed," replied Snape fondly.
"Got anymore?" inquired Malfoy.
Snape sighed, recalling last night. "We used it all."
Flashback:
The margarita glasses went clinky-clink. James tossed back his salty beverage. The hooded man sipped his slowly.
"Just like the ocean," said James with a smile.
"I like to swish it around my mouth and pretend it is the angry tides in the ocean," commented the Hoodling.
"What's your favorite sea creature?" asked James, "I like the Chicken of the sea!"
"I favor the mighty lobster,"' said the hoodling. "The lobster!"
"I once ate a lobster," said James. "It was messy."
"I was once almost castrated by a lobster," confided the Hoodling. "That was also messy.
James nodded solemnly, "I completely understand."
The hoodling looked around the bar. "Let's leave," said the Hoodling.
"Okay. Wanna go to the moon?" quipped James. The hoodling smiled beneath his hood.
"I'll want to show you something, Intoxicated One. Come back to my "pad" and I will show you something better then the moon."
"I like the moon," commented James. "I like it so much better than a spoon...but you can't use the moon to eat soup."
"No, you have to use a spoon for that," confirmed the Hoodling. "Or chopsticks if there are lots of vegetables."
Meanwhile in the basement;
Peter rolled himself into a ball. They had found out his secret. Lily gently prodded him, "Let's go back to the common room. Come on, it's alright..."
Peter screamed, "Don't TOUCH ME! AHH!" he began chant, Circle, circle, dot, dot."
"Peter, it wasn't a secret! EVERYONE knew!" screamed Lily. After a moment of trying to convince Peter that his reputation hasn't been ruined forever, she stood up.
"Whatever. I'm going to go upstairs and leave you in the dark...where the evil wombats can get you."
"W-wombat!" Peter whispered. He had to weigh the opinions carefully. Women or Wombats. Women or Wombats. He feared Wombats more then he feared women... He scrambled to his feet and followed Lily out of the basement.
"I'm glad you came to your sense," said Lily in a friendly manner, holding out her hands. "Those wombats are ferocious."
Peter said nothing, but glared at her offending hand. She pulled it away from him and opened the door to the basement.
"Hey Lily," asked Peter suddenly. "Why did you come into the dungeon?"
Meanwhile in the boys dorm:
"Where IS James?" asked Sirius,
"He's probably at the bar, chatting up some young thing and boozing away," said Remus dryly. "You know. Like he does every night."
"This is true," replied Sirius. "But normally he's returned by now."
"Maybe he got picked up," Remus stated.
Sirius giggled, "In that case- maybe more gay sex is in order!" At that very moment the door to the boys dorm burst open.
Lily threw Peter in. Peter was mumbling about wombats and women.
There was a moment of silence. "So, does he come with instructions?" asked Sirius as he gazed at the muttering Peter on the floor. "What do we do with him?"
"Remus!" panted Peter from the floor. "I've...cough... been...cough...infected.I need the...cough
"What does he mean?" thundered Sirius. "What did you do with him?" end
"What did I do to him?" Lily thundered in outrage.
"Why does everyone always blame me!"
"Because you're a skanky whore," replied Sirius.
"This is true," said Lily firmly. "But I'm an expensive whore."
"I need," Peter coughed, "Please Remus! Need the cootie shot!"
"I'll get right on it," he said hastily. He looked pleadingly at Lily's hurt expression. "Darling, I'm sorry. He's deranged"
"Circle, circle dot dot, now you have the cootie shot. Circle, circle square, square, now you have it everywhere," chanted Remus as he fondled Peter's skin making the said designs.
Peter breathed deeply, "Thank God! I was beginning to feel itchy all over."
Meanwhile outside the three broomsticks:
James stumbled. "Whoa! Those salty oceany... things are making me see... lobsters..." James slurred. The hoodling smiled fondly.
"Lobsters," he repeated. The hoodling shook his head and pulled out of his cloak a pipe.
"Oh!" James shrieked in glee, "Let's smoke 'em peace pipe!"
"We gotta be careful," warned Hoody. "This is some strong shit. They smoke this shit in.Vietnam."
"Wow," said James in awe. "Gimme." He grabbed the pipe and he took a mighty whack. "That's some good stuff!" he wheezed."
"Come on," said Hoody, tugging on James' arm. "Let's apparate back to my swinging pad."
Meanwhile at the Zoo:
Dumbledore pulled a monkey animal cracker out of the box. He giggled. Then he pulled out a hippo cracker. "L'hippo a pique' ses pantalons." Dumbledore giggled.
Dumbledore giggled again because he did not know how to speak French.
(Authors' Note: Hi, Lindsey again. This chapter was written over instant messages, we were rather bored and it was too cold to actually get up and walk across the street to each others casa. We are rather lazy. Anyway, hope you enjoy this chappie. Um. blah.)
READ AND REVIEW YOU FOOL! CLICK THE LITTLE BUTTON TO THE LEFT!