Ronald Weasley had been having a bad year. His jealousy had reared its ugly head once again and he had been estranged from his friends since the first week of school. All he could focus on was the attention Harry received. Being hailed the Chosen One, the people bending over backwards to help him, and the girls! Nearly half the girls in Gryffindor had propositioned Harry while he was in earshot, and he was sure that half again had done so when he wasn't. To say nothing of the letters he had been getting.

It was the mail Harry received that signaled his split with the former trio. On their first week back, his former friend had gotten nearly 40 letters from witches around the country. He had been offered chances to get into the knickers of the senders, or their daughters, sisters, and in one odd case mother. Ron had been helping his friend open all the mail on the weekend (Dumbledore had a separate collection so as not to overwhelm the Great Hall) when he came across a package containing nude
wizarding photos of Gwenog Jones from the Hollyhead Harpies, along with matching bra and knickers.

When Hermione noticed him ogling and not working, she had a fit. Harry had come over to see what the problem was and noticed the pictures. He pulled them out of Ron's hand, double checked there were no more in the envelope, and incinerated them before vanishing the ashes. He then shrunk and sealed the undergarments in an envelope before labeling the name and placing it with the rest of the gifts.

When Ron protested, Harry told him to leave. With a huff, he grabbed his things and stormed out of the empty classroom they were occupying, slamming the door on the way out. It took him a few days, but he cooled off enough to approach Harry again. He was about to round a corner when he heard it. Ginny, his little sister, was offering herself to Harry, who refused like he did with all the others. Ron's emotions warred between protecting his little sister's innocence and indignation that Ginny wasn''t good enough for Harry. He settled on anger and started shouting the moment he rounded the corner. They hadn't spoken since, and although Ron missed his old friend, he was glad to be away from Lord Potter gloating over his superiority like a Malfoy.

Ron had just sealed his bed hangings for a little alone time when the dorm opened and he heard Harry come in. The sounds of Harry digging through his trunk filled the room only to be offset by the running self commentary.

"I get to shag a Veela, bloody hell. Once in a lifetime opportunity. Gotta get nice and clean, she'll like that."

'So Harry bloody Potter gets a Veela too. Bloke gets offered more birds than should be fair.'

"Hmm, haven't worn these yet. Perfect occasion to break them in."

'Bloody show-off. Flaunting his fancy clothes around while the rest of us have to make due.'

"Let's see, where did I put that virility potion? I was going to use it with Hermione tomorrow, but I think she'll understand."

'Bastard is shagging MY Hermione behind my back!'

"Whoops, nope, that's not it, that's the polyjuice I was going to use with the Patil twins. The Patil Triplet orgy is going to have to wait until I can get some more."

'Damn, that sounds hot. Lucky bastard. Wait, polyjuice?'

"Ah, there's the virility potion. I'll be going long and strong with this baby. Just have to remember to brush my teeth after I take it so she doesn't know I had to cheat to keep up."

'I'll have to remember to brush my teeth then.'

"Okay, I'm meeting the Veela in 45 minutes in Dumbledore's office so that no one can accidentally interrupt us. Just got to remember the password is Chocolate Frog."

'Bloody Dumbledore! He's pimping out his golden boy. No wonder Harry turns down the girls at school, Dumbledore must be keeping him in the experienced ladies! I thought it was strange that Gwenog Jones was at Hogwarts for a Quiddich game. Bastard must have written her back after I left'

"All right, shower time!"

Ron quietly removed the charms from his curtains (he couldn't silently cast yet), and peeked out into the dorm. Harry had his back to him and was grabbing his shower toiletries. A whispered Stupefy and Harry fell face first into his bed. Moving quickly, he pushed Harry fully onto the bed, removed a few hairs and his glasses, then pulled the curtains closed before sealing them. Glancing around he quickly found the emerald green dress shirt and black slacks, as well as two vials of potion. He recognized one of them from his second year, and deduced that the other must be the virility potion. Gathering everything up, he ran to the showers.

15 minutes later saw a dressed up Harry Potter walking through the common room at a brisk pace, a heart-shaped box of chocolates under his arm and a rose. Ron had found them in Harry's trunk while looking for the after-shave Harry used that seemed to make all the girls want to sniff him. He was so focused on what was to come that he didn't notice the portrait hole staying open longer than it should have.

Finally, he reached Dumbledore's office. The hike seemed to take much longer than it had previously. He gave the password and practically ran up the spiral staircase. Opening the door without knocking, he strode into the room only to stop at the vision of beauty before him. 'Damn that's fine. Ron Weasley is finally getting his due!' He walked over to the Veela and presented the box of chocolate. "For you, sweets that are no where near as sweet as yourself, and a beautiful flower for an even more beautiful..." He didn't get to say anymore because the Veela was kissing him. As he was led towards a side room, he made a mental note to thank Fred and George for that book on Wooing Witches.

As they fell onto the bed in a tangle of limbs the Veela began to tear hungrily at his clothes. In a matter of moments he was naked. A soft voice whispered in his ear to lay on his stomach. He rolled over and
soft hands began to work their way down his back, pushing and kneading all the way. As they got near his buttocks, his hips unconsciously raised and the gentle hands coaxed him onto his knees. The caressing hands started again and he relaxed his body into it. The hands left him and he moved to turn around when one hand pressed on the small of his back to hold him in place. Just as he was about to ask what was going on, pain and a flash of light filled his senses.

-ooOoo-

A very sweaty and very naked Harry Potter leaned back on the impressive bed. Cuddling into his sides were two equally sweaty and equally naked young witches. All three were basking in post-coital bliss.

In one arm he held Hermione Granger, soon to be Hermione Potter. After Ron, the two of them had spent a rather long time alone and he had sussed up the courage to ask her out. They had never been very open in their relationship with the public, not wanting wanting to give Voldemort or the media any clue as to the true depth of their feelngs. She was already high on the Dark Lord's hit list, and they didn't feel like making her number 3, right below Dumbledore and Harry.

In the other arm, Gwenog Jones, soon to be Gwenog Black, was almost dozing off. When Harry had written her his 'thank you but no thank you' letter, they had started a frequent mailing. After he began seeing Hermione, the witches began their own correspondence. Finally, the day of the Ravenclaw/Slytherin match, she showed up with the excuse that she was scouting potential talent. After the game she had hung around and the three of them discussed the future.

The summer previous, Harry had been named heir to the Black family. In accordance with pureblood customs, he was permitted to take one wife per Ancient and Noble House to continue the respective lines. Between the letters and now the face to face, they offered her a chance at the position of Lady Black. She had been entering the grounds through the Shrieking Shack and using polyjuice to look like Hermione, and together the three of them would retire to the Chamber of Secrets.

Harry had cleaned out the rubble and stripped down the Basilisk corpse. With the help of Dobby, they had constructed a large flat in the chamber flush against the door. Hermione supplied charms on the windows similar to those at the ministry, while Gwenog brought in shrunken furniture. Both women had a charmed necklace that would hiss the password when touched with a wand.

As they basked in the afterglow, Harry started giggling, a very non-Harry thing to do.

"What's so funny, Harry," the voice on his left, Hermione, asked.

"The ultimate prank. I got Ron laid."

"How is that a prank? Was it with someone horrid, like that Bulstrode girl that's rumored to prefer equines to equestrians?" This time it was the voice on his right.

"Oh no, they're very attractive, from a certain point of view," Harry said, finally getting his giggles under control.

"Oh, and whose point of view might that be, Mr. Potter." Voice from the left again. It was starting to remind him of a tennis match or the Weasley twins, which set off his giggles again.

"Why, the female point of view, of course!"

"You set him up with a man!" And right returns the volley.

"What man might that be, Mr. Potter." And left hits it back hard and fast.

"Draco Malfoy." He didn't even try to stifle his giggles, which were quickly turning into guffaws.

Silence met his answer. Ball out.

"What! That little death eater piss-ant?" And right serves.

"Harry, what's Ron going to do to you when he realizes he shagged Malfoy?" Left fires it back.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure that Malfoy shagged him. I want to know what his reaction is going to be when he finds out they're married" His guffaw's were quickly turning into cackles.

"Wh-wha...married?" And right barely makes the save.

"Yep. Dumbledore should have cast the marriage bonding spell on them by now, so they're Mr. and Mr. Draco Malfoy, with most likely a little Malfoy on the way."

Hermione sat up and stared at him. "Harry, you just ruined his life!" And left backhands it into the ref. Game over.

Almost instantly, Harry's humor died. He looked his fiance in the eye. "No, no I didn't. Ron ruined his own life. I just provided the rope to hang himself with. Lay back down Hermione and I'll tell you the whole story."

And so he did, recapping how the Slytherin Daphne Greengrass, a friend of Hermione's from Ancient Runes and Arithmancy, had pulled him aside the previous day. She had told him of Draco's not-so-secret secret and how she had overheard his laments as he used Crabbe and Goyle as a sounding board. Daphne had been in the running for Lady Black at first, but after several long talks and a few trial kisses, they had both agreed that friendship was for the best. As it stood she was going to be Maid of Honor for the Potter wedding and an attendant at the Black.

He told them of how it had taken all the will he had to keep his laughter and disgust off his face using the occlumency Gwenog had taught him during the meeting in Dumbledore's office. He got a kiss from each of them when he revealed pecking Malfoy's cheek, to help him 'cleanse his palate'.

Both women were baffled at how gullible Ron was. They both knew Harry never talked to himself, and he for sure didn't let his guard down enough to be stunned by a vocalized spell. They finally came around to Harry's side and the giggles it entailed when he told them of the final part to the prank. The laughter subsided as Harry got his second wind, to be replaced with more appreciative noises.

-ooOoo-

Ron was having a horrible night. First, that bastard Potter tricked him and he ended up getting bum-shagged by Draco bloody Malfoy. The night was made worse when it was revealed that the flash of light was not him seeing stars, but a bonding spell tying him permanently to the aforementioned Malfoy. He didn't think it could have gotten worse before Snape shows up and tells him that he hadn't drank a virility potion at all, but one that would have made him pregnant...with Malfoy's baby. Dumbledore examined the glasses he had worn, and discovered a mild confundus charm on them, as well as a heavily modified glamour. When looked through, they made Draco appear to be a beautiful female, and the confundus kept him going with the flow.

But the real kick in the pants of the night came when the non-descript owl flew into the room and dropped a package at his feet. He opened it warily, not trusting his luck that night, and was surprised to find a Gringotts draft for 50,000 Galleons. Digging in greedily, he pulled the rest of the parchments out. The topmost one was the deed to Number 12 Grimmauld Place. The bottom was a letter, penned in the chicken scratch of his ex-best friend Harry Potter.

Dear Mr. and Mr. Malfoy,

I want to be the first to offer you heart-felt congratulations on your new marriage. I feel this is a large step in mending the bridge between the Malfoy and Weasley houses.

The bank draft is my wedding gift to the two of you to take a honeymoon wherever you'd like to go.

Consider the house as a baby present. I've already had Dobby go through and clean and decorate for you.

Before you get mad at me Ron, just remember that I didn't make you stun me. I didn't make you drink polyjuice. And I sure as hell didn't make you take a male pregnancy potion. You let your jealousy get in the way of common sense.

Enjoy your new life.

Love,

Lord Harry Potter-Black

Ron could only guess what his mother would say as his new husband drug him towards the floo to check out their new home. As the pair stepped out of the fireplace in London, their eyes were assaulted by the most garish and bright mis-matched furnishings either of them had ever seen. A note taped to the side of the couch read:

I let Dobby pick everything out. He claimed to know just what Old Master Draci and Harry's Wheezy would love, so I let him at it. Ta Ta!

-ooOoo-

Peace Out

Lord Retro