May 30, 1983
Dear Diary,
It's been awhile since I've written. My life has seen its share of drama since I married Robert; the latest not being the least of it. Things have been up in the air since Luke's return. I can't believe he's alive and waited so long before making an appearance. Why did he stay away so long? Didn't he know I wouldn't have cared about his injuries? I loved him. If he had come back two days sooner, I wouldn't have felt as torn as I was. My deepest regret, though, would have been that I lost Robert. Robert. What can I say about him? He has been my rock these last four months. Sure, he had to bring me to my senses, not once, but twice. And both times it was due to missing Luke. But since that second time, we began to learn about each other, and really cared about each other's needs. I did my best to represent him well in any social function, and even though we had agreed that we didn't have to keep tabs on each other, it became a habit to let each other know our plans for the day. And I love Robert's wry wit. Sometimes he has me laughing so hard about some prank he played on his favorite partner, O'Reilly, and how she would invariably turn the tables on him, that my sides would hurt. We also respect each other's privacy. It amazes me that Robert instinctively knows when I need time alone. These past few weeks had to be nearly as hard on him as it was on me.
I believe we both started falling in love with each other shortly after my miscarriage. He had asked Bobbie to come over while I was still in the hospital to remove the baby items so I wouldn't have the reminders of what could have been when I returned home. After what I can only describe as "my return to the land of the living," I resumed helping Robert on the Susan Baldwin murder case. I was so pleased that I found the clues that eventually led to solving the case. I had to tease Robert that he was planning on naming the murderer at the Quartermaine party which was being held in honor of the engagement of my longtime friend, Celia and her fiancé, Grant Putnam, as in an Agatha Christie novel; it turned out that that wasn't far from the truth.
One day while Celia and I were having lunch, Celia persuaded me to hold a housewarming party. She had ulterior motives I believe, but I agreed. Robert thought it would be a good idea and probably boost our image in town. I bought a dress that I hoped would get Robert's attention. I couldn't have been more pleased to see him stealing glances my way when I was across the room, and how he placed his arm around my waist when we were saying goodbye to guests. I blush thinking about how the evening ended. Robert had to practically carry me up the stairs. Even though I was well past tipsy and told Robert I'd probably sleep for the next twenty-four hours, I didn't sleep at all that night, thinking of him just across the hall. I'll wager, based on the look he gave me as we said goodnight, neither did he. Just a few short days later, on April Fool's Day no less, after a rather uncomfortable dinner with Celia and Grant, Robert surprised me with a wedding ring. It is the most beautiful, exquisite ring I ever laid eyes on, and it fits perfectly. It must have cost him a fortune. He noticed how uncomfortable I felt and told me he bought it to ease my embarrassment around others due to our arrangement. He also told me he couldn't see me with anything less. The look in his eyes when he said that made my insides melt.
A few days later while Bobbie and I were having lunch, she suggested we go away together to chase away the winter blues. As there was a lull in crime in the city, Robert was home more often and earlier from work. Needing a distraction from where my thoughts were heading, I agreed. Pretending I didn't know of a great vacation spot, I suggested that I call Robert for advice. When he suggested the Caribbean, I was secretly wishing it was he with whom I'd be travelling; and when I returned from my impromptu trip to New York, I began to seriously wonder why his opinion of my appearance mattered so much to me. Then there was my secret joy at his obvious delight when I told him that Bobbie and I might have to cancel our trip, which is indeed what happened. That man had me rethinking why I was holding him at arm's length.
Then came the night of Brian and Claudia's wedding; a night that will forever be burned in my memory. I had arrived earlier to their reception than Robert, as he had a late meeting with the mayor and a government official regarding the waterfront development. When he finally arrived, he had just missed Scotty's surprise gift to the newlyweds. I asked him to dance as I explained what it was. I couldn't get over how right he felt in my arms, how well we fit together. I was so surprised at the feeling that evoked, that I beat a hasty retreat to my bedroom when we arrived home so Robert wouldn't suspect. However the novel I chose to read was one of the worst I ever read. Hoping Robert had already retired for the night, I thought I would go see if there was something worthwhile to watch on television. As I started down the stairs, I realized my mistake, but unable to find a plausible excuse to escape without it seeming peculiar, I chose to join him. It turned out he was getting ready to watch one of my favorite movies, Rebecca. I was so wrapped up in the movie that I didn't realize that I inadvertently let it slip that I would like for us to own a home like Manderley one day. I thought I dodged a bullet as Robert let the comment slide. After the movie was over, Robert deftly brought the conversation around to my admission, even as I tried to avoid it. When he asked me directly if I was happy being married to him, I could no longer deny it. I knew he wanted to kiss me and I quivered in anticipation of that kiss to the point of actually returning the kiss. Unfortunately, at that precise moment memories of Luke returned, and I pulled away in my guilt. I could feel Robert's eyes follow me as I returned to my room. Realizing that we had crossed a point of no return, I slept very fitfully that night.
The next morning, even though I tried to avoid the subject, Robert was determined that we confront our feelings for each other. I was thankful at the time that we were interrupted and he had to leave, but not before he made it clear that we would talk about it later that evening. Proving he knows me so well, he allowed me to believe he would let the subject drop. He turned on the radio, and began to slow dance by himself. After I laughed at him and told him he looked like an idiot dancing by himself, he invited me to join him. That turned out to be a big mistake. He slowly drew me closer to him and began giving me pecks on my cheek. He then placed his hand under my chin and kissed me soundly on my lips. I can still remember that his response to my saying that that wasn't fair was a challenge that "all's fair in love and war," as he made his way up the stairs blowing me a kiss. Another sleepless night.
I was determined to avoid any further attempts to address the issue. Robert caught up with me jogging the next day, but I left him frustrated and tried to make other plans before he returned. Unfortunately, he caught up with me as we both decided a sauna would relax our tensions. Out of options and excuses, I finally had to make a decision I knew would forever change our lives. If I wanted a future with Robert, I would have to put Luke in my past. Intent on persuading me to choose a life with him, Robert gave me a kiss full of the promise of the future and underlying passion.
Things got complicated when I returned from the mountains ready to start a new chapter in my life, a life that included Robert. I discovered I was jealous! And the ironic part was that I was jealous of Connie, a former partner and lover, a woman I practically threw Robert at just a few weeks before, who made no secret of the fact that she would like to pick up where they left off. Then I came down with the flu. I was in no mood to listen to reason. When Robert discovered my jealousy he laughed, telling me I was adorable when I was jealous. That was the last straw, or so I thought. He insisted I allow him to explain. When I learned how wrong I was, I was elated. He drew me into his arms as we committed ourselves to one another. The night of lovemaking that followed was unlike any I had ever experienced. Robert is such a sensitive lover, expressing concern that I was all right while declaring his love for me. I wanted to repeat the words back to him, but I was afraid it was all too good to be true and that I would wake up and find it was all a dream. We spent most of the next day in each other's arms. Robert had to leave to take care of a security matter, but promised to return quickly so we could continue to acquaint ourselves with each other. We never had the chance.
Robert had been called away to Boston for the night. I was deeply disappointed, but was in no way prepared for what was to happen not more than ten minutes later. When the maid informed me I had a guest, I stood in shock at the top of the stairs to see Luke looking back at me. When he realized that I was the Mrs. Scorpio he was told would see him, he turned around and walked out without another word. I could do nothing but collapse in despair; my finest dream and my worst nightmare coming true at the same time. Looking back now, I don't know why I made my choice more difficult than it needed to be. The difference between Robert's and Luke's behavior towards me was striking. While having a few moments of insecurity, Robert was sensitive and supportive, whereas Luke was boorish and churlish. In the end, it all came down to trust. In fact, Robert specifically mentioned his trust in me to make the right decision on the day I met with Luke. Even so, I almost chose Luke until he admitted he still didn't trust me.
It's been a couple of days now since I returned home to Robert. Home. That has a nice ring to it. I didn't even realize until now how much I missed having a home. Much of my adult life has been living in apartments during scams or on the run. This morning, I hope I laid to rest any insecurities Robert still had over my choosing him. I wanted Robert to know without a doubt that I was coming to him, not running from Luke. I know we can build a good, strong marriage, because we love and trust one another. It won't be easy, as I still need to regain balance and order back in my life, but I know in the end it will be worth it. He is a patient man, but one day soon, he'll not have to wait for me to fully express my total love and commitment to him. Until then, I'll show my love in the little things I do for him every day.