Chapter 2: In

When the spotlight fades and the curtain falls

I can still wear the smile and keep faking

I step into the night, as true nature calls

And ignore that my heart is breaking

Leave behind the thrill, the chase and the friend

With an abnormal taste for danger

Back into the darkness, away from the light

Slip away from my brother's minion –

Alone at the station, at the long journey's end

Approach me, you promising stranger

Be the merchant ship passing me in the night

And bring me my sweet oblivion

Push down the plunger (oh the blissful sting!)

And let's pretend happy ending

Sweep away all the pain, bring the snow down in spring

And cover what's beyond all mending

Like the heart-shaped hole, still in my side

Close to where he used to stand

Or the fears and the needs and the truth and the lies

(The muddied hurt of our tangled skeins –)

I can run from it all but I cannot hide

From the things I feel but don't understand

I can turn my back and close my eyes

But I'm bleeding out, leaving heart-shaped stains

– Still:

I'll pretend that the guilt and the jealous dreams

Will not close in for the kill

Or the heat in my head, coming apart at the seams

Are only effects of this re-found thrill

Or the ice through my veins, filling me with the rush

Could save me from the loss of blood

Or the strange growing things deep down – hush hush!

Could still be nipped in the bud

I'll keep walking on, still embracing my lies

And forget the heart-shaped hole

I know what it means, but I'll close my eyes

And believe it won't swallow me whole

Bravely put up the collar on my coat

And forget how everything swirled

How the air escaped, constricting my throat

No more you and me against the world –

I know I can't deny what I feel

Until the world stops turning

And that shutting out what is real

Won't protect my heart from burning

– But:

What more could I do, what else could I say?

Heartache is bad for thinking

So I'll try to move on, there's no other way

Than pretend that my world isn't sinking

The irony is, I can finally see

That love is higher than reason

To prove it to him, who knows where I'll be

Dead? Exiled? Or tried for treason?

But no matter what happens, I have made my vow

To which I'm bound until I breathe my last

Even if it hurts, can't fail him now

Must somehow redeem the past

So even though I feel like letting go

There's a promise for me to keep

There are still other things to do and show

Even if I am in too deep

With the fire in my head, with the snow in my veins

And the heart-shaped hole in my chest

Despite all the questions and growing pains

I have promised to do my best

I'll ignore all the doubts running through my brain

There's no time for bitter interventions

Keep them happy and safe, and myself still sane

– The road to hell is paved with good intentions