I love you all! mwah! Mwah! You've been such lovely little reviewish people that I'm updating! RIGHT NOW!
References: Spamalot, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Monty Python, and Paul Simon!
Disclaimer: I own this awesome new dress! (but sadly not Mortal Instruments)
Secrets and Pies
Clary: Why is this chapter called Secrets and Pies?
-gets banana cream pie in the face-
Clary: I shouldn't have asked.
Readers: -nod sagely-
Clary: -rolls eyes and continues drawing The Eggplant Prince-
Telephone: -rings-
Clary: -is supremely unobservant-
Telephone: -rings impatiently-
Clary: -ignores unintentionally-
Telephone: Yo, I'm ringing, biatch!
Clary: -blinks- Hey! The phone's ringing! I'd better go answer it!
Readers: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Clary: -answers phone- If this is another sales call, I swear to god-
Disguised Voice: Uh, hey, is this Clary?
Clary: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?
Disguised Voice: -wonders how anyone could stretch their words out like that- Uh, hey, I'm one of the knife carrying hooligans you met last night at the club? I think we got off on the wrong foot, and-
Clary: Ooh, is this Jace? 'Cause, I'd like to start over too, but-
Disguised Voice: -flatly- No. This is Simon.
Clary: Oh. Really?
Formerly Disguised Voice, Now Commonly Known as Simon: Yes.
Clary: -is awkward-
Simon: -bemoans fate-
Clary: -starts to daydream about Jace-
Simon: Hey, do you want to go with me to something in Hoboken?
Clary: What in Hoboken?
Simon: An org- wait! A poetry slam, that's it. Just a poetry slam….
Clary: I dunno… who's doing the poetry slam?
Simon: My next door neighbor. We know each other reeeeeaaaally well.
Clary: -snickers- Reeeeeally well, huh?
Pervertedness: -makes whizzing noise as it goes straight over Simon's head-
Simon: -blinks- What was that noise?
Clary: -is resigned- Nothing…
Simon: Are you coming?
Clary: -giggles-
Simon: What's funny?
Clary: The cat is licking my toes.
Simon: You don't HAVE a cat.
Clary: It's an imaginary cat.
Simon: Whatevah. –huffs-
Clary: Simon, you can't stop me, I'm coming to this poetry slam!
Readers: -blink- Whaaaat?
Simon: Oooookay! 'Cause, you know, I love you like a rock and-
Interference: -cracklecrackle-
Readers: Ooh! Onomatopoeia!
Clary: Someone's coming! I hope they don't have deep dark secrets and turn out to be a werewolf that's in love with my mom!
Simon: -dryly- Me too…
Clary: -hangs up-
Simon: Well, that was mighty rudey dudey!
Clary: We randomly interrupt this little message to introduce a very important plot point!
Readers: -lean forward in chair-
Clary: My father is dead.
Old Sick Person: He's not dead yet!
-gets slapped with a fish-
Readers: -roll eyes- Everyone's father is dead! I mean, come on! The Very Important Plot Point would be more interesting if she had a big family with bunches of cousins and aunts and uncles! That would be really weird.
Clary: My mother keeps a picture of my dead father on the mantelpiece!
Readers: Cry me a river.
Clary: And she has a box that says J. C. on the outside!
Readers: J.C…. Hmmm…
Clary: And she has a lock of hair in the box and she takes it out and pets it and cries! It's blond.
Readers: Back away slowly….
-key turns in lock-
Clary: -stands frozen in the middle of the room, talking to invisible people-
-Enter Mysterious, Deadly, but not Hot man-
Clary: Oh my gosh, Remus Lupin? You have got to be kidding me!
Remus Lupin: -kindly- You must be mistaken, I am Luke, your almost father!
Clary: Riiiiight….
Lupkin: By the bye, Clary, why is this chapter called Secrets and Pies?
Clary: No!-
-but it was too late-
Lupkin: -banana cream pie to the face-
Readers: -snicker-
Banana Cream Pie: -is annoyed to be splattered all over a complete strangers slightly scruffy face, so gets up, walks away, and joins the Death Eaters-
Lupkin: -gazes after retreating pie- I should have known.
Clary: Yup. So, what's in those boxes?
Box: -is a box-
Readers: That's not redundant at all.
Lupkin: Boxes? Oh, nothing…. Yet.
Clary: Wha?
-enter Jocelyn-
Jocelyn: Heyyyyy. I'm beautiful and mysterious. Just like all the other characters in these books. I'm notable for my absence and my looooong red hair.
-hit pause button while Jocelyn soliloquizes-
Jocelyn: I have a deep dark secret!
Readers: Take a number.
Jocelyn: I don't actually appear at all in this book except for this scene and a scene in the end! Yay! Yo, Clary, we're going on vacation!
Clary: Whaaaaat? But my art classes! My tomato plants! My favorite scrunchy! The refrigerator! Decent food! My pokemon collection! My- -rambles on-
-ten minutes pass-
-everyone leaves-
Clary: Aaaaand my best friend!
Simon In Absentia: Thanks for remembering….
Jocelyn: -turns into Godzilla- You're going and that's that!
Clary: meep.
Simon: ARRIVES!!!!!!!!!!
Simon: Hey Clary, you- Am I interrupting something?
Clary: Yes. No. Maybe. I'm leaving mother! You always ruin everything!
-stomps out-
Simon: -lingers- Bye Mrs. Fray! You look lovely! Have a nice evening!
Clary: Sometimes I wonder if you are sleeping with my mom.
Simon: -blink-
CLARY AND SIMON ARRIVE!!!!!!!!!
That's all for now, folks. People who spot the references get a sneak peek at the next chapter 'cause you're enlightened! Aaaaand...
REVIEW! 3